Lips Close to Mine (Wherever You Go)

by Bielman, Robin

  It’s not like I have a choice. This feeling chewing a hole in my chest is only going to get worse the longer I think about what could have happened to Levi today. I climb onto the bed beside him and gently comb the hair off his face. I am so terrified of losing him that I’ll cut my losses now.

  His eyes blink open. “That feels nice.”

  I keep doing it. “Is there a bump I need to watch out for?”

  “If you go lower there is.”

  “Levi.”

  “I love all the ways you say my name.”

  “I’m here to watch you tonight, that’s it.”

  “And talk,” he murmurs.

  “What?” Did I say we needed to talk out loud and not realize it? My thoughts are definitely a tangled mess, so it’s possible.

  “You want to talk. I saw it in your eyes. I scared you today and…” He sinks deeper into the bed.

  I stop rubbing his head. “And what?” He doesn’t answer. “Levi?” I give him a little shake. “And what?”

  His gaze is fleeting when he says, “And you want to run away from me.”

  My heart caves in.

  “But don’t,” he whispers. “Don’t do that.” His eyes are closed, his breathing peaceful. He’s almost asleep. “Stay.”

  Tears roll down my cheeks. He knows me so well. But does that make these emotions inside me okay? Can I live with this fear just because he understands it?

  No. I don’t think so. I prop my head in my hand and watch him sleep. He deserves someone who isn’t afraid, someone who will love him with wild surrender and her whole heart.

  I keep a watchful eye on him throughout the night, waking him three times to give him sips of water and make sure he feels okay. When the sun rises, so do I. I kiss Levi’s forehead and take the coward’s way out. I’m not proud of it, but I can’t imagine an actual conversation with him where I don’t fall apart. I leave a note for him on his bedside table.

  I’m sorry.

  Two words that signify my heart is breaking for a second time.

  October 4th

  Dear Harper,

  The only thing I remember from my kiteboarding accident is you. I know that sounds insane, since you weren’t there. But you were. Right before I was yanked underwater, I saw your beautiful face. Your soft, pillowy lips were puckered in a kiss, and your warm hazel eyes were sparkling with love. It wasn’t a good-bye kiss. It was hello. And it’s the reason I didn’t drown.

  No way in hell was I missing out on kissing you.

  They tell me the first word I said when I woke up was hamburger. I’m pretty sure I meant Ham and they misunderstood. Who asks for ham after an accident? But a hamburger? Maybe.

  When I found you in my room when I got home from the hospital, I told you I loved you. The back of my throat was raw, though, and the words scraped out in a whisper. Also, your back was to me. I wanted to say it again, but I was so tired, and you looked like I might break you, so I made a joke instead.

  The rest is a little hazy.

  Did I tell you I loved you while we were sleeping? Is that why you took off? Because I can take it back if it means being with you. We can do this your way. I know you’re scared.

  I am, too. But I’d rather be scared with you than without you.

  Give us a chance, Ham. Be the bold, outspoken, caring person I know you are, and I promise I won’t let you down.

  Love,

  Levi

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Levi

  I throw my phone at the wall, only for it to be caught one-handed by Elliot when he enters the room. “Aw, still no text or call back?” he says in a tenderhearted tone that pisses me the fuck off. It’s his new strategy to get me over Harper. He knows I hate the baby talk.

  “No,” I grumble from the couch.

  He takes a seat across from me and tosses the phone. I let it land in my lap. Fucking piece of technology. What good is it if the girl I love won’t communicate with me?

  It’s Saturday morning. She’s ignored me for the past three weeks. I take that back. She sent me one text after I practically begged her to meet me: I can’t.

  I know why she can’t. Because she’s a chickenshit. A beautiful, gorgeous, smart, funny, amazing chickenshit. She thinks because I had an accident in the water she can’t be with me. I get that she’s afraid. I do. But is drowning in loneliness and fear any way to live a life?

  “We’re going out tonight,” Elliot says.

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Too bad. We’re meeting some people at Boardners.” He picks up the remote for the TV and flips the channel from Animal Planet to a college football game.

  “Some people?”

  “Mateo, Teague, Madison…”

  The way he says Madison’s name raises my suspicion. “Madison? Why?” She’s tight with Mateo, so we’ve known her for years, but she doesn’t usually do the bar scene with us.

  “She likes you.”

  I choke. “Sorry?”

  “You heard me. I’m making it happen.”

  “Nothing is happening with Madison and me.” She’s nice. Pretty. But I’m not giving up on Harper.

  Elliot rubs his chin. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but I saw Harper with some other guy.”

  My stomach sinks. “What? Where?”

  “Last weekend at Donahue’s. They looked pretty cozy sitting in a booth.”

  Donahue’s is the restaurant where Colleen’s rehearsal dinner was held, and I think there’s a family connection there. “What did he look like?”

  “I don’t know. Dark hair, business suit. I heard the bartender call him Landon when he grabbed a couple of beers to take back to the table.”

  I laugh, and my stomach resumes its normal position. “That’s her brother, you ass.”

  “Really?” He pulls a face.

  “Yeah. He’s helping her with her foundation. He’s an attorney.” A foundation I sent a donation to with congratulatory flowers and from which I received a very nice thank-you letter in return. Yeah, it was a standard reply, but Harper signed it.

  “It’s still a good idea for you to see Madison.”

  I study my best friend. He’s full of shit. Madison is friendly with Harper, and a nice person. She might like me, but there’s a girl code I don’t see her breaking, unless Harper threw me at her. I rub the back of my neck. Shit. Is Harper in on this, too? Is this her way of saying she’s not good enough, but Madison is?

  No. I refuse to believe it.

  “Why?” I say. “Even if I were over Harper, Madison is a friend, nothing else. She’s also friends with Harper, you know.”

  “Oh yeah. Shit. There went that idea. Well, there will be other girls there, too.”

  I scratch the side of my head. The mere thought of going to a bar to meet girls makes me uncomfortable.

  “Look, you’ve been holed up in the house for weeks. You’re leaving next week for Australia. Don’t make me get sappy and tell you how much I’m going to miss your ugly face in order to get you to come out tonight.”

  He’s got a point. We haven’t hung out except for at home, and I’ve been shit for company 99 percent of that time. “Fine.”

  “Good.”

  He reaches for the PS4 controller. “Call of Duty?”

  “Sure.”

  We play for a couple of hours, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess where my mind is. Am I an idiot for sulking around, waiting for Harper to…to what? Continue to keep me guessing about our relationship?

  I’m out of my goddamn mind if I keep pining away for her. I don’t need drama like this. I had enough of it with Kayla. There are plenty of other girls out there, and Harper’s silence makes it clear she’s done with me, so it’s time I move on.

  Only I can’t. I can’t get her out of my head. Or my heart. If I can get over my past, she can get over hers. We need to talk like two mature adults and work this out together. If she needs outside help, we’ll get it. We. I’m ready to be all-in.

&nbs
p; I tell Elliot I’ve got an errand to run and drive straight to Harper’s.

  Confession. This is the third time I’ve driven to her house since I had my concussion. The first time she wasn’t home. The second time, I swear she stood on the inside of her door and held her breath until I left. I pictured her palm on the other side of the wood, lined up perfectly with mine. I talked through the inches separating us, telling her I missed her. I asked her to please call me. She didn’t.

  I park my car, then let myself into the backyard through the side gate. The yard is quiet, but there’s a wrinkled towel on one of the lounge chairs by the pool and an open magazine on the wood-slatted table beside it. I can’t help myself. I detour to take a peek. It’s Cosmo. We read it cover to cover together in Big Bear. Laughed. Kissed. Tried some crazy position. (No anal, in case you were wondering.) Made love. I’m smiling for the first time in a while when I knock on her door.

  She doesn’t answer. I knock again. This time when I get no response, I glance down at the doorknob. It’s worth a try. I turn the handle. The door opens.

  “Hello? Harper?” In deference to her silent treatment, I’ve only got one foot inside the door. The house is quiet. She isn’t here.

  My body deflates.

  When I get back to my car, I shoot off a text. Stopped by to see you. I’d really like to talk. If that doesn’t sound good, how about I buy you a drink? I’ll be at Boardners tonight. Meet me there. 9PM. I’ll be the guy with eyes only for you.

  I tell myself not to get my hopes up.

  On the drive home, it occurs to me that I caught sight of something in my periphery when I rounded the pool to leave. I didn’t think anything of it, but the flash of red came from the direction of the large windows of the main house. Harper had been home. Well, in her aunt’s home. Had she seen me?

  Fuck. I squeeze the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white. That’s it. This is her last chance. I’ve got my pride, too, and if she doesn’t meet me tonight, then I’m done trying. I’m off to Australia in six days, anyway.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Harper

  “…I was broken for a long time, and thought I deserved to stay that way. I’m still not entirely whole. It’s hard for me to get close to someone. But recently someone did knock down my walls, and he made me realize how lonely I was. He saw through my self-loathing and helped me remember who I’ve always been. And that’s a person who is willing to share her deepest secret and shame in order to help others. I hope my story gives you the courage to share yours. Thank you.”

  Applause rings out from the group of high school students seated around me in the library. I never imagined being back at my alma mater to talk about Joe. But when I decided to open myself up, I knew this was the place to start. It’s where I met Joe, where we spent a lot of our time together. And it’s where I struggled to get through the days after he drowned. Being back here today, I feel like I’ve lifted a dark cloud from over my head.

  “Thank you,” a girl says as she passes me on her way out.

  “Thank you for having the courage to share your story,” another girl says.

  “Thank you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Thank you.”

  I’m hit with several more acknowledgments, not one of them said with pity.

  “Miss McKinney?”

  “Hi,” I say to a girl standing before me and chewing her bottom lip.

  “I just wanted to say hearing you talk made me feel better about some things. My boyfriend drowned last year.”

  My stomach lurches. I didn’t think I’d hear something like that my first time speaking. “I’m so sorry…” I trail off, hoping she fills in her name.

  “Kaitlyn.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Kaitlyn. Do you want to sit down and talk about it?” I gesture toward a table and chairs nearby.

  “No, thank you. I just thought you’d like to know you’re not alone.”

  The back of my throat burns with appreciation and admiration for this young person who is way more together than I was at her age. Maybe more than I am now. The thought is sobering.

  “Right back at you,” I say.

  She nods and files out with the rest of the students.

  “That was a wonderful speech. How are you holding up?” Mrs. Harris asks.

  “I’m okay,” I tell my high school counselor. Mrs. H. helped keep me on track after Joe died. She’d insisted I check in with her often and let me hang out in the counseling office when I needed a place to be alone.

  “For the first few minutes, I thought I might throw up, but then my stomach settled down when I noticed no one was looking at me like I’d done something wrong. It was more like they could relate.” In the back of my mind I also heard Levi’s encouraging voice, whispering I had this. Even though we’re not together, he’s still with me every day, giving me strength.

  “Your sincerity and friendly disposition make you very relatable, Harper. I see good things in your future.”

  “That’s nice of you to say. Thanks.”

  “Have you spoken to Joe’s parents?”

  I hang my purse over my shoulder, ready to walk out. “I haven’t. But I sent them a letter and told them all about JAMF. We’ve emailed since then, and I hope next year when we do our first big fundraiser that they attend. Joe’s sister is here, though, and”—I pause for a moment to gather myself—“she’s agreed to be on my board of advisors.”

  Mrs. H. opens the library door for me. We face each other outside under the awning. “That’s great. I’m really proud of you,” she says, and gives me a hug. “Can I get you to come back sometime?”

  “For sure.”

  I’m so sure that on the drive home I stop and pick up cupcakes to celebrate this small victory with Teague. My first talk went well. Better than well. I didn’t hyperventilate. I’m not freaking out over anything I said. My heart is beating a steady rhythm. I haven’t perspired through my shirt. And best of all, I have no regrets.

  “Hey Tea,” I call out when I walk through the door.

  Teague spins around on the couch. “Hi! How’d it go?”

  “Fantastic. I brought us cupcakes to celebrate.” I put the Sprinkles boxes on the kitchen counter. “It’s the least I could do after the pep talk you gave me.” Slipping off my shoes, I walk over to my best friend.

  “Congratulations! But you shouldn’t have. I knew you’d do great.” She settles back into the couch with her head down over her phone.

  “What the hell?” flies out of my mouth the second I see what she’s looking at.

  She spares a glance over her shoulder. “Problem?” she asks sweetly.

  “What is that?” I say, pointing to the picture of Levi and Madison looking way too chummy. I loom. Loom over my roommate because all sorts of unfriendly emotions are suddenly rioting inside me.

  “Levi and Maddy?” Her innocent tone is infuriating.

  I round the couch and angrily sit down. “Yes, I can see that. What are they doing?”

  “You didn’t think he’d pine away for you forever, did you?”

  “No, but…” I wanted to think he would. I sag against the cushion, the weight of what I’ve done sinking into my muscles.

  Saturday night, everyone went out to have a good time with Levi before he leaves for Australia. Everyone except me. I was invited, of course, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I still miss him too much.

  “Here’s another good one.” She turns the phone so I can see a picture of Madison and a girl I don’t know with their arms around him. He’s smiling.

  I’m too upset to say anything. I want to claw those girls’ eyes out—and Madison is a friend! My stomach churns. Now I think I may be sick.

  “We missed having you there,” Teague says. “I wish you would have come. Oh! Look at this one.” She flips the phone again. This time it’s Levi and Elliot with Madison in the middle. I look a little closer. Is that Elliot’s hand on Madison’s boob?

  Teague wa
tches for my reaction. Why is my best friend torturing me like this? She knows I’m still in love with Levi. She makes me talk about shit I don’t want to talk about on a weekly basis.

  “Oh, and there was this girl there visiting from Australia! She was super nice and super cute. I think I have a picture…here it is.” Once again she flashes me a picture I don’t want to see. “She said Levi’s name with the best accent.”

  “Stop!”

  Teague flinches in surprise and tucks her phone away. She’s not ashamed, though, or mad that I yelled. No. She’s smug.

  “You wanted me to see those pictures on purpose.”

  “Of course I did! You’re being a butthead.”

  I want to go to my room and curl into a ball on my bed. I know I am. I know I’ve screwed up the very best thing to ever happen to me. But I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve ignored all of Levi’s attempts to get in touch over the past month, thinking we were both better off.

  “I know,” I mutter.

  “Then do something about it.”

  I want to. I want to so badly. The thought of never being with Levi again kills me. But I can’t get my brain to coordinate with my body. It’s like I need to step over hot coals to get to him. All I have to do is take that first step, and then I can run across the rest and fall into his arms. If only I could gather the courage to do it, and know he’d still be there to catch me.

  “He misses you, Harp.”

  “It’s too late.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Even if it isn’t, he’s leaving. And leaving to be in the ocean day in and day out. I don’t want to think about that.”

  You will anyway.

  “I’ve got to get ready.” I jump to my feet, done talking about it. “I’m meeting Chad in an hour.”

  “You’re really going on a date with him?”

  “No. I’m meeting him for drinks.”

  “That’s your version of a date.”

  I pause before walking down the hall to change clothes. “It’s my version of getting my mom off my back.” She thinks meeting her best friend’s son is a great way to get me out of my funk. And maybe she’s right. Chad may be just the guy to get my mind off my troubles. I’m willing to give him a shot.