Forbidden Desires

by Jenna Hartley

  I couldn’t avoid Ollie, especially once he and my uncle talked me into family therapy. But that was all I could manage at that time, and then it became my new normal. Once I started dating Nate, I focused on him.

  He elbows me gently in the side. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I swallow and nod. Leave it up to Carter to see right through me. “So, this is temporary then?”

  “Definitely not forever. The lease on my apartment in LA ran out a few weeks ago, so your brother offered to let me stay with him until I find something permanent. The two-hour commute here to Malibu was killer, and we’ve been super busy with our company downtown. And you know, time is money and all that.”

  “Makes sense. I’m surprised Ollie didn’t mention it more.” I wonder if there’s a reason for it.

  “He’s been more forgetful than usual about things since he started seeing Cora. She’s been preoccupying his mind.” He chuckles once.

  I let that sink in, placing my fork on my plate. “Sounds like it. He’s mentioned her before, but I didn’t realize they were that serious. I mean, you don’t just go on a two-week vacation with anyone.”

  Carter shrugs his shoulders. “He likes her, and she seems nice, so we’ll see.”

  “Nice, like the one you went on a date with?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and I want to groan in frustration. I’m not even sure why I brought it up, it just kind of slipped out.

  He puts his empty plate on the coffee table, keeping his gaze in front of him. “You know I’m not looking for anything serious, Jules. Nothing’s really changed for me in that aspect.”

  I nod, silently acknowledging his statement. But as usual, I can’t keep quiet for long, my tone gentle. “You know you’re not your parents, right?”

  That gets his attention, and he turns to fix me with his gaze. “Don’t. You know I don’t believe in relationships, so I don’t see the point in even trying. Why should I set myself and another person up for something that will only fail and end in heartbreak anyway? We don’t need to discuss that and you know it.”

  He doesn’t sound mad, maybe a little irritated, but I hold up my hands in surrender anyway. “All right, all right.”

  “Sorry. You know I hate talking about this topic. I love my parents, but talking about this crap makes me feel like I’m in therapy again, and we all know how much I enjoyed that time in my life.” He’s turned away again, focused on cleaning up the table.

  I touch his shoulder. “Sorry I brought it up.”

  He shrugs, the muscles effortlessly moving under my hand, and I let go, not wanting this to be awkward.

  “No worries.” His shoulders rise and fall before he finally faces me. At least, he sounds normal again. “So, have you thought some more about your plans for the week? Do you think you’ll be okay here by yourself? I have to fly to Vegas for the weekend. One of our clients has a new deal he wants to talk about. He’s rather old-fashioned and refuses to do video chats, which means I have to see him in person.”

  “Vegas?”

  He rakes his hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face. “Yeah, just for a night. You’ll be fine here, right?”

  “Well . . .” I chew on my bottom lip. “I’m sure I would be, but can I come with you? Before you say anything, I know you’ll be busy with work, but I could explore the city by myself. I still haven’t been there.”

  He looks at me like I have a third eye. I’m actually contemplating for a moment if I should check my forehead when he finally snaps out of it. “You want to come to Vegas? With me? Ollie would kill me.”

  Ollie can be a bit overprotective, especially after losing our parents. I’m the only close family he has left—apart from Carter . . . and maybe Cora—and if he could, he’d pack me up in cotton, and I’d never leave the house. I’m not the only one who changed after the accident. That’s been Ollie’s way of dealing with things. And as much as I don’t want to disrespect my brother and hide something from him, what should it really matter if he’s away? He deserves to have his own life and live it freely without fearing for me and mine. “We just won’t tell him then.”

  Carter harrumphs, and I nudge him. “Come on, Freddy. It’ll be fun, and I’ll stay out of your way.”

  “I don’t know, Jules.” The indecision is written loud and clear on his face.

  “Pretty please, Carter. You won’t even know I’m there.” I’m literally begging now, my hands clasped together in front of me, hanging on to this thought of doing something new.

  He huffs out in frustration, raking his hand through his hair several more times. “I know I’ll regret it, but fine. Just don’t get drunk and disappear on me.”

  “I’ll try my best not to, I promise.” I hold up two fingers and say, “Scout’s honor.”

  “Jules, you were never a Girl Scout.” He shakes his head, but I can see the corners of his mouth twitch.

  I barely stop myself from clapping excitedly but can’t hold back the triumphant chuckle. “I know.”

  He points a finger at me. “Let’s talk about something else before I change my mind. Tell me about your plans for the rest of the week.”

  “Okie dokie. I was thinking of going to the gym tomorrow and then do some shopping after. That’s probably all we can fit into this week if we fly out to Vegas on Friday and still need to pack. That’s less than three days. Speaking of, I need to get a ticket.” I sit up straight. “Oh crap, do you think I can still get one?”

  “Calm down, Jules.” He puts his hand on my arm, and I sink back into the comfy couch cushions. “I don’t think we’ll have issues getting you one. Let me check.” He grabs his laptop from the side table and starts it up.

  I nod, peeking over his shoulder. “Thank you.”

  “Of course.”

  “Oooh, when we go shopping, maybe we can look at some books too. I thought it would be nice to get some on self-improvement and relationships.” I grab my phone to see what the book world has to offer.

  He glances at me. “Do you really think that’s necessary?”

  I put my phone down. “Please, Carter, just let me do this. You might not agree with me and my list, but I think this is good for me. Maybe even necessary to finally move on with my life.” And not just from Nate, but from feeling the need for such strict boundaries that have done nothing but promote isolation. It’s time to be me. I hate the term moving on with life because that’s not what healing from grief means. It’s about exploring the new me with this new permanent hole in my heart. I can’t change the fact that I lost my parents, but I can still live and fulfill my dreams.

  His gaze is intense, like he’s trying to look inside my head. “Gym and shopping it is.”

  “And Vegas, baby.” I throw my hands up in the air, while Carter drags his hand over his face.

  “Why do I feel like this has bad idea written all over it?”

  Placing my hand on my chest, I give him my most innocent look. “I have absolutely no clue. You know I’m practically an angel.”

  “I’ll believe it when I see it.” He gives me an I’ve-known-you-for-too-long-to-get-away-with-this look, and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

  Chapter 6

  Carter

  Usually, I enjoy my time at the gym. It’s really the only time in my life where I can completely let go. I don’t have to think about anything but pushing my body to its limits and reaping the benefits from all the hard work. It’s invigorating, and after the initial exhaustion, also incredibly uplifting and energizing.

  But not today.

  Today, it’s hell.

  Pure, torturous hell.

  I’m on the treadmill after my strength training, which is usually the more relaxing portion of my gym visit. My mind is unable to quiet down, utterly focused on Julia, who’s on the elliptical in front of me—particularly her ass in those tight pants. And because that’s not distraction enough, she’s been chatting with the guy next to her for a good ten minutes. It l
ooks like I might leave the gym in worse condition than before, at least mentally.

  Why do I even care?

  The same question that’s been preoccupying my mind for the past few days. The only explanation I can come up with is that Julia turned into a gorgeous woman.

  And I’m a guy who likes beautiful women. Simple.

  Maybe I shouldn’t think about her that way, but my body seems to have a different agenda, growing more obsessed with her by the minute.

  Obviously, I won’t act on my attraction, so there shouldn’t be a problem.

  I’m sure it’ll go away soon. End of story.

  “Carter.” Julia’s voice penetrates my thoughts as she pulls out one of my earbuds.

  I’m so startled I miss a step and almost fall off the treadmill.

  Definitely not my normal gym day.

  “Are you already done?” I try to act nonchalant after my almost faceplant, but it’s easy to tell she’s having a hard time holding back her laughter.

  An impish smile makes her mouth twitch. “Yes. The twenty minutes you told me to do are over.”

  A quick glance on my own machine confirms her statement. “You’re right. I didn’t notice the time.”

  “Well, I guess I’m gonna head to the shower then. I’m exhausted. I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow if not tonight. You worked me way too hard, Mr. Overachiever.”

  My machine comes to a halt when I push the stop button. “I don’t think I did.”

  She smiles at me. “I’m just kidding. I’m fine. I actually really enjoyed it. I’m glad I did some yoga yesterday before working the weights with you today. I think it helped some.”

  The guy she talked to on the elliptical walks past us, and they smile at each other. He lifts a hand and waves at her. “See you next week, Julia.”

  “Can’t wait.” She waves back before facing me again.

  “Who was that?” My curiosity is impossible to ignore, burning through my veins like a wildfire on a mission to destroy as much as possible.

  “Oh, that was Chad.” Her eyes are wide, making her look almost innocent.

  “Chad?”

  “Yes, Carter. His name is Chad and he asked me out.”

  “And he fits your husband checklist?”

  “I still have to make one, okay? Any other questions that can’t wait until later, or can I finally go shower?” She puts her hands on her hips and looks up at me expectantly.

  Looks like the little firecracker has come out to play.

  When she wrinkles her nose at me, I can’t hold back a chuckle, trying to ignore the mention of her already having a date set up. But like she said, we can talk about that later.

  “All right, Daph, calm your horses.” I wink at her and gather my things. “Hurry. I’ll meet you in the lobby when you’re done.”

  She gives me a huge grin. “Oh, don’t worry, I won’t take long. I’m too excited to go shopping.”

  I groan, and she laughs, clearly enjoying my misery.

  She points her finger at me. “You promised.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know. Now go.” I wave her off and watch as she makes her way through the maze of equipment to the changing rooms.

  What a way to get in over my head.

  ***

  Two hours later, I’m fully convinced someone has carefully planned my death for today.

  “How about this one?” Julia spins in front of me. Left, then right, before doing it all over again outside her changing room.

  We’re still at the first store she dragged me into, and at this point, I’m not entirely sure we’ll ever leave. It’s like a black hole in here, and the enormous pile of clothes she stacked on the chair next to me doesn’t seem to get any smaller.

  At the moment, she’s wearing a red dress that fits her like a glove. It looks stunning on her, the color of the dress working wonders with her dark hair she left down after her shower. I didn’t realize clothes shopping with her would be this difficult. It’s a lot harder to look at her without . . . well, really looking at her. How does anyone expect me to give her an objective opinion if all I see is accentuated body parts?

  And hell, does this red number make both her boobs and ass look spectacular.

  She waves her hands in front of me, her eyebrows pulled together. “Carter? You’re doing this weird staring thing again. Are you sure you’re all right? We can go home and finish up another day if you don’t feel well. Or I can just come back tomorrow while you’re at work.”

  I shake my head, feeling a little guilty. “No, no. Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “If you’re sure.” She doesn’t look convinced but lets it go. It doesn’t escape my notice that she’s a little quieter, the light in her eyes a little dimmer. I hate even the slightest possibility that I did that. “So, what do you think?”

  Focusing on helping her as much as I can, I scan her body again, trying my best not to linger in certain places. “I think it’s great. It suits you. Are you sure you need all these fancy dresses, though? I mean, you’re not going to work in them when you’re home, right?”

  She brushes her hands over the material, keeping her eyes downcast. “Of course not. But hopefully, they’ll come in handy when I go out, you know, on dates and that sort of thing, maybe some business meetings. And I’ll buy more casual clothes too. I was just in the mood to try on the pretty dresses first.”

  Well, lucky me.

  “For your dates, huh?” The filter between my brain and mouth seems to be out of order.

  She lets out a long breath and walks over to me, letting herself fall into the seat next to me that’s not occupied by clothes. “You don’t think I should go on dates?”

  I push my hand through my hair. “I don’t know, Jules. I obviously can’t tell you what to do, but you’ve only been out of your relationship for less than a week. Don’t you think you should wait for a while? You might not even be ready for anything new yet, I don’t know. Isn’t there usually a certain amount of time that should pass? Like a mourning phase for your old relationship or some shit like that?”

  One look at her, and I know she’s going to burst out laughing in a second. And she does.

  A snort-like noise escapes her mouth, making her eyes go wide. “Carter, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re showing signs of PMS with the mood swings you’ve been having the past few days.” She still chuckles as she continues. “I think most relationships do have a natural phase of alone time in between, some longer than others. But I’ve already realized something, and I know it’s going to sound strange, but I don’t think I really loved Nate.”

  “Huh?” My eyes open wide, and I force myself to close my mouth that fell open at her admission.

  Her face turns serious and she drops her head, visibly shrinking in front of my eyes. “When Mom and Dad died, I felt incredibly lonely, even when I was in a roomful of people, and I had no clue what to do with my life. I kind of lost my path there for a while and barely went anywhere. School got so bad I had to drop my classes and take some time off. I did the bare minimum to live. When I started going back to school, I ran into Nate. He was a nice guy, and the best thing was, he didn’t remind me of my old life. He didn’t know anything about me or what happened. Before I knew it, I clung to him like he was my lifeline. Since he never complained about it, I suspect he enjoyed the fact I needed him like that.”

  “Mmm.” What the hell am I supposed to say to something like that? Grief is such a difficult thing to manage, and standing by the sidelines unable to help sucks too. Ollie didn’t do well after his parents’ deaths either, but at least, he seemed to deal with it. I automatically assumed Jules did too.

  “Nate did help me to get out of my deep hole, I can’t deny that. I’m definitely grateful for that, and I think that’s exactly what happened. I confused gratefulness and friendship with love. One thing led to another with us, and I never really looked much deeper than that. I slowly started living my life again, but this time with Nat
e by my side. It wasn’t like my old life but a ton better than all the months following the accident. I can’t blame him for things not working out. It was mostly me putting on my blinders, not wanting to analyze anything too closely. We should have never stayed together, or maybe even gotten together in the first place.”

  She sniffles and wipes at her nose with the back of her hand, turning away from me as much as possible.

  “I still think he’s an asshole.” Leave it up to me to say the first thing that’s on my mind. Thankfully, she looks at me and laughs.

  “He’s absolutely an ass for dumping me the way he did. But I’m over it already. I’m more upset with myself for wasting so much time than anything else, but I don’t want to think about it anymore.” She slaps me lightly on the knee and gets up from the chair. “I still have a few things I want to try on, but you really don’t have to stay here with me. I can do the rest by myself.”

  “Are you kidding me? I can’t wait to see the other outfits.” I put on my best smile for her, wanting nothing more than to see her happy again. “Seriously, I promised you I’d do this, so I’m going to stay right here in this incredibly uncomfortable chair, waiting for the rest of the fashion show to take place. So, are we doing this or what?”

  Her eyes are still a little watery, but at least I can see a spark of the previous amusement back in them. For a moment, I thought I saw something else too, but it was gone before I could work out what it was.

  She bends down, pressing a kiss to my cheek. “Thanks, Carter. I really appreciate it. You’re a good guy.”

  I nod, trying to smile but unable to pull it off. “Don’t mention it. That’s what friends are for, right? I mean, I obviously can’t take you to Vegas in your yoga pants and oversized T-shirts, can I?”

  If the twitching corners of her mouth are any indication, she sees straight through my shit.