by Taylor Dean
She knew the difference—and she wished she didn’t.
The emptiness didn’t last long. The bouncy four-year old, Hailey, climbed onto her lap. She placed her little hands on either side of Chloe’s face and said, “Hi.”
“Hi Hailey.”
She ran her hands through her hair as if fascinated by dark hair and played with the necklace at her throat.
“Hailey, are you bothering Chloe?” Sydney asked.
“No, she’s fine. I don’t mind,” Chloe answered.
The sisters smiled at each other at her answer and Gwen looked pleased, so she assumed that was the right response. She figured it had to do with Taryn. She was a target for comparisons today, but with the negative opinions of Jack’s almost-former-spouse running rampant; it was a win-win situation.
They visited for another hour or so, the conversation light and easy, then Jack said they’d better get going. As they were saying their goodbyes, Gwen pulled Chloe aside and held her hands.
“Are you all right, dear?”
Chloe held back tears. “I’m okay. Thank you.” It wasn’t the time to pour her heart out. But she wanted to, oh how she wanted to.
“You’re welcome in my home anytime. Please come back and see us again.”
The husbands shook her hand and said they were happy to meet her.
Jack’s sisters each, in turn, hugged her and muttered something similar. Chloe found herself feeling as though she didn’t want to leave.
But she was leaving with Jack.
Bonus.
Her eyes had been opened that day. And she no longer looked upon Jack as a fellow jilted spouse.
He now represented possibilities.
Absolutely amazing possibilities.
“Your family is wonderful, Jack,” Chloe remarked the minute they drove away.
“You certainly won them over.”
“I did?”
“Yes, if my sisters winked at me one more time, I was going to throw something at them.”
“They don’t believe we’re just friends, do they?”
“They believe what they want to believe.”
“Where is your father?” Chloe asked.
“He passed a few years ago. My mom’s never been the same without him.”
In a sense, Chloe could relate. She’d never be the same after losing Mark. She’d never be the same after losing, period.
“Life certainly has a way of reaching out and changing us. Somewhere along the line the blissful innocence of childhood is lost, and we realize there is bad in the world,” Chloe said wistfully.
“I know exactly when it happened for me. It was the day I lost my dog, Nico. He got away and was hit by a car. He was my best friend for years and I was devastated.”
“How old were you?”
“Nine.”
“I was ten when I realized the world wasn’t all sunshine and roses. My aunt and my favorite uncle were getting a divorce. It turned ugly as they fought over property and money. Accusations were hurled back and forth. I realized all those delightfully happy family get-togethers were perhaps not so blissful. Only us kids were totally unaware of the tension in the house. I’ve never seen or heard from my uncle since. I felt abandoned. Didn’t he still love me and want to see me? It wasn’t until years later that I realized how odd it would’ve been for him to keep in contact with his ex-wife’s extended family.”
“Innocence lost,” Jack stated reminiscently.
“Yes. The moment of awakening, the moment our eyes are opened to reality.”
As they drove home, Chloe wondered if she’d ever see Jack’s family again. Perhaps Jack had impetuously invited her because he thought she was lonely and sad.
“Shall I come in with you for awhile?” Jack asked as they pulled up in front of her house. Darkness engulfed them and the crickets chirped loudly in the distance.
Yep. He didn’t think she was lonely and sad, he knew she was lonely and sad. And he was right.
“Sure,” Chloe responded. She needed to pull herself together after her enlightening thoughts about Jack while at his mom’s house. Her relationship with Mark had been over for so long now, she hadn’t realized how ready she was to have someone special in her life. Was that someone Jack? She didn’t know. But he had awakened those feelings within her and it was definitely worth exploring the potential. A friendship between them had developed rather quickly and he wanted the same things in life as she did. Jack was the most family oriented man she’d ever encountered and she liked that about him, as a matter of fact, it was the thing that held the highest appeal.
But he had stressed the friends only card. Maybe his thoughts were far, far away from where her thoughts were turning. Even so, it was progress that her thoughts had turned this way at all. An unexpected surprise.
They stood in the foyer for several awkward moments. “After holding children all afternoon, I feel…sticky. Mind if I borrow your bathroom to clean up?”
He turned, headed down the hall, and Chloe stopped him. “Wait, I repainted the bathroom this morning. It’s probably filled with paint fumes. You can use the one upstairs.”
He paused, perhaps wondering why on earth she’d painted an already perfect bathroom. “Do you often repaint on a whim?”
“It’s an obsession. Don’t judge.”
He shook his head, chuckled, and bounded up the stairs.
Chloe passed the time by fluffing the couch pillows, rearranging the throw blankets, and generally primping over her living room. Her hands became moist with sudden nervousness. Some women primp over themselves, she primped over her house. She had it all backwards. Maybe she ought to at least glance in the mirror. Now that she’d officially noticed Jack, she felt like a giddy teenager on her first date. She’d never been the type of girl who became flustered in the presence of a handsome man—yet that’s exactly how she felt. All fluttery and flighty. This was ridiculous. Even worse, she felt fluttery and flighty over eating from the same spoon. Pathetic.
It didn’t take much to bring her down to earth. One glance at her framed wedding picture—sitting proudly on a shelf—and a weight settled on her chest. Was she really ready for a new relationship? Doubts crept in and clouded her mood.
When ten minutes passed and Jack hadn’t made an appearance, Chloe walked up the stairs, taking them slowly, as if she had no energy. Crazy and unexpected thoughts concerning Jack were rummaging around in her overactive mind, going back and forth—an internal argument with no solution.
Maybe she would find happiness in this life again. With Jack.
Maybe.
But then again, maybe it was too soon for such thoughts.
The merry-go-round of thoughts came to a sudden halt as she reached the top landing. Preoccupied as she’d been, it was only then that it occurred to her where Jack was. Her mouth went dry and her head spun wildly. The door to The Room was open and the light was on. Feeling completely unprepared to face Jack, Chloe forced her feet to move forward.
Woodenly, she stood in the doorway. Jack’s back was to her as he studied the photographs on the walls with unwavering concentration. The Room could only be described as fluffy. It was warm and welcoming, a room that wrapped its arms around you and hugged you tightly in a friendly embrace. It was soft, filled with fleece blankets and squashy stuffed animals. As if sensing her presence, he finally turned and faced her.
Neither one said anything for at least a full minute.
“Why are you in here?” Chloe asked, her voice cracking.
“I’m sorry, I thought this was the bathroom.”
Obviously it wasn’t. “No, it’s across the hall.”As if the location mattered anymore.
His eyes searched her face, looking for answers. “You and Mark have a child?” he asked candidly.
How is it that such a simple question could cause so much heartache? How she wished she could give a happy answer. How she wished she could pull out a photo album and proudly show off all of her baby’s amazing first-year
accomplishments. Here’s a picture of him taking his first step. Here he is crying during his first bath. Here’s a picture of him making a funny face after eating carrots for the first time. He hated them—and then she’d laugh heartily at the memory. It was a mother’s right to brag about her child.
Instead, she nodded forlornly. “Had, Jack. We had a child.”
He exhaled deeply and ran his hand through his hair. “Chloe, I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly sorry.”
“Our marriage didn’t survive the loss.”
“Few do.”
“He didn’t want me to go through with it.”
Jack look puzzled. “Go through with it?”
“He didn’t want me to have the baby. He wanted me to abort.”
“And you refused?”
“Yes. I wanted the baby no matter what. I had to give it a fighting chance.”
“Give it a chance? I’m not following you.”
Chloe moved into The Room and sat in the rocking chair. The scent of fabric softener and baby powder invaded the air—the scent of baby—the smells she loved. Jack sat on the ottoman, directly in front of her, and took her hands in his. “Tell me, Chloe. Tell me what happened.”
“Are you sure you want to hear all this, Jack? It’s not a pleasant story.”
“Please tell me. Every detail, don’t leave anything out,” he said simply, his eyes filled with kindness. “I want to know everything about you.”
Chloe pulled her thoughts together and took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself to share the “long version” of her experience. “Have you ever said hello and goodbye at the same time?” she asked, her eyes filling with tears at the thought.
He didn’t answer the peculiar question at first. Silent seconds ticked by before he said, “I don’t understand.”
“Let me start from the beginning. I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. So was Mark. Ecstatic, actually. We had a good marriage and we both knew we wanted to have a family one day. Finally it was happening for us. Mark went crazy buying baby clothes, stuffed animals, and some of the tiniest shoes I’ve ever seen. He was so happy. I’ve never seen a man so excited about his child. It warmed my heart.”
Jack squeezed her hands, encouraging her, giving her support.
“We had this room put together within a month. I think we’d purchased every baby item known to mankind by then too. We did it together, feeling so very ready to be parents. I was three months along when the doctor said my blood work showed something ‘strange.’ He didn’t explain, he just said further testing was appropriate. The blood test was called the Harmony test. I don’t know why, it certainly doesn’t create harmony.”
Chloe stared into space, remembering the life-changing moment. Jack waited patiently for her to go on.
“I now know its purpose is to test for the amount of chromosomes in maternal blood in order to detect fetal trisomies. It’s testing for things like Down Syndrome, which is Trisomy 21. At any rate, they sent me to a neonatal specialist for further testing. This was my first baby and I assumed it was all routine. I didn’t know it then, but a neonatal specialist is the ‘bad news’ doctor. I was blissfully ignorant when I entered that appointment—and totally unprepared for the news I was about to receive.”
Chloe paused to wipe away her tears.
“We met with a lady who looked over the paperwork and began to lecture us on the odds of birth defects. After about ten minutes I finally stopped her and said, ‘Should I be worried?’ It was then that she looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Yes, it appears your baby is at risk for Trisomy 18.’ That was news to me. The doctor had not prepared me for what I was about to face.”
“Trisomy 18?” Jack repeated. “What’s that?”
“That’s exactly what I said. It’s what everyone says. I’d never heard of it before in my entire life. Trisomy 18 is a condition that occurs when the eighteenth chromosome triples upon conception. The resulting birth defects are rarely, if ever, survivable. The problem is that the chromosome defect affects every baby differently. Some babies are Full Trisomy 18, some are Partial Trisomy 18. The most common type is Full Trisomy 18, meaning the extra chromosome is in every cell of the baby’s body. Still, some will be mildly affected, some severely affected. They can’t predict the impact on each individual baby. There’s no way to know the final outcome.”
“What happens to the baby?” he asked.
“Outwardly, they sometimes have imperfections in their appearance, such as rocker bottom feet, strawberry shaped heads, and other minor deformities, but for the most part, they are beautiful babies. When it’s your child, your baby is beautiful no matter what. It’s on the inside where things go terribly wrong and this is why the babies don’t survive. Most commonly, their vital organs don’t form properly; heart defects, kidney problems, esophagus and stomach issues, fluid on the brain, and delayed growth. The list goes on. It’s a frightening diagnosis.”
Jack paled.
In spite of her flowing tears, Chloe wondered if her description was much too clinical. But, he wanted to know everything—and she felt the need to share her experience.
“And then?” he coaxed.
“The doctor did a higher level ultrasound and then immediately did an emergency amniocentesis on the spot. He acted all serious and worried and my heart filled with dread. I told myself over and over they were worrying over nothing. I was sure my baby was fine. Sometimes tests can show a false positive. When the results were in, we met with the doctor. The room was hear-a-pin-drop silent as he confirmed that my baby was indeed a Trisomy 18 baby. He explained, ‘I suppose you’d like to know what to expect if we don’t lose the baby in the next few weeks.’ Lose the baby? Was that a possibility? The thought hadn’t occurred to me until that moment. I had been in denial until then. Here’s the thing, Jack, for some reason these babies sometimes thrive in the womb.”
Jack released a sigh of disbelief. “What?” The ramifications of her story were sinking in.
“I couldn’t believe it either. I still can’t believe it happened to me. The doctor said, ‘From here on out, the pregnancy will, more than likely, continue to develop as if everything is normal. However,’ he added, ‘I’m very sorry, but don’t expect to take a baby home from the hospital. Trisomy 18 is incompatible with life.’ ”
Jack looked down at his hands, clearly trying to maintain control over his emotions.
“Three little words and my life changed forever.” Her voice broke and Chloe took a minute to compose herself. “I remember everything about that moment; how the room smelled, what I was wearing, what Mark was wearing, the décor in the office, to include every detail about the pictures on the walls. I remember saying, ‘what?’ over and over again. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. It felt like some sort of cruel twist of fate. The baby could die at any moment? In the meantime, I would carry this baby as normal? But in the end, he wouldn’t live? Was this some kind of sick joke?”
“I can’t imagine a more heart-wrenching scenario,” Jack commented thickly.
“We went home, both of us feeling stunned. I sobbed and Mark just stared at me with a blank expression. I can’t explain it, but something inside of him snapped in that moment. He closed down and turned himself off. It was too much for him and he simply couldn’t handle it. I lost my husband that day and he never returned. He said, ‘The baby is going to die. There’s no reason for you to go through this, Chloe. No reason at all.’ It took me a minute to understand what he was getting at. ‘We can’t put your life in danger to save a sinking ship,’ he said. Still in shock, I looked at him, feeling as though I didn’t know him and said, ‘It’s not a ship.’ I didn’t know what else to say. We didn’t speak for several days after that. He was angry at me for wanting to continue on with the pregnancy. He felt it was all for naught. He said it was ‘a worthless endeavor, a fruitless undertaking.’ He was so angry.” Chloe sighed heavily. Retelling her story was never easy. “I was too. It all seemed so unfair. Then Mark
sat me down one day and said, ‘Chloe, we can’t let the baby suffer. It’s cruel to let it live.’ I hated him in that moment for even thinking such a thing. It’s not my right to take my child’s life no matter what’s wrong with him. How could he even put that thought in my head? It was as if he felt I was torturing our baby by giving him life. Would we kill a living baby if it became terminally ill? Of course not. To me, there was no difference whether the baby was inside of me or outside of me. Our views on life were diametrically opposed. It put even more of a wedge between us.” Her knuckles had turned white from the death grip she had on Jack’s hands and she purposefully willed herself to calm down. “I know now that Mark’s behavior was simply his way of dealing with his grief. He completely separated himself from the situation, as if it wasn’t happening to him, only to me.”
Jack’s expression hardened ever so slightly. “That had to be tough.”
“It was only the beginning. Ending the pregnancy was out of the question for me. I absolutely couldn’t do it. I’d seen him on the ultrasound screen, so little, so teeny, but so very beautiful and alive. I couldn’t end his life. Absolutely not. He was my baby, my child. I loved him already. He was fighting for his life and I would fight with him. I never once considered another option. I had to do everything within my power to allow this baby to live. I had to give this baby a chance. I mean, what if the doctors were wrong? What if he was fine?”
“He?”
“Yes, it was a boy. Next I was inundated by the statistics. Trisomy 18 boys have a much higher stillbirth rate than girls. It was one more strike against us. In very rare cases a Trisomy 18 baby lives for a year, but they are almost always girls. There are a few cases where they’ve lived into their twenties and thirties, but this is almost unheard of. The doctor said if a Trisomy 18 baby survives birth, less than ten percent survive to their first birthday.” She scoffed. “Of course, all I heard was that they do sometimes survive that long. At my next appointment I informed the doctor I was going to go through with the pregnancy. He said, ‘good for you,’ as if he was proud of me. I’ve heard stories about doctors that refuse to see a Trisomy 18 pregnancy through. They say there’s no point. They reiterate that it is ‘incompatible with life’ because it’s extremely rare for a Trisomy 18 baby to survive.” Chloe felt her eyes flash. “But they do sometimes survive. It was enough for me. My baby was alive. He was living and thriving inside of me. As he grew, I felt him move and kick and wiggle. He was very active. This gave me hope.”