by Taylor Dean
“Oh Chloe,” Jack whispered, his voice tight.
“Some couples make the decision to go ahead and terminate, knowing the baby won’t live. These are couples who want their baby more than anything. I can’t even begin to imagine the agony of that decision.”
“I can’t either.”
“The next question the doctor asked left me in even more turmoil. ‘If the baby survives birth, how much effort would you like the medical team to put into sustaining his life?’ I had no clue how to answer such a question. I mean, how can I predict the answer? Do I let him pass peacefully in my arms? Do I put the baby through untold medical procedures as they try to sustain his short life? I mean, during that time I’m not holding him or spending time with him. And what if those precious seconds are his only time on earth? On the other hand, what if they can save him and make him live?”
“It’s not a question a mother can answer.”
“No, at least not with confidence,” Chloe agreed.
“What did you decide?”
“I told them to save him if they could. But, above all I wanted to hold him. As it turned out, I’d agonized over that decision for nothing.”
Jack closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, but remained silent.
“I successfully carried him till the end. After a higher level ultrasound, the neonatal specialist told me there was no way he would live outside of the womb. When tragedy strikes in your life, your perspective changes. By this time, I’d done my own research. In reality, Trisomy 18 babies sometimes live for an hour or two after birth, some even live a few days. But, that’s it. I hoped and prayed for five minutes with him. Not so much to ask. That’s all I wanted, just five minutes. Five little minutes. Just enough time to look into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him. Just enough time to see his spirit shining back at me. Just enough time to hold him in my arms.”
“And?”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” Chloe whispered.
“Wasn’t meant to be? What do you mean? What happened?” Jack asked.
“I was nearly nine months along, which was a miracle in and of itself. I went in for my usual weekly ultrasound appointment. The doctor performed weekly ultrasounds for two reasons. One, to make sure he was still alive. And two, to let me have time with my baby. It was, perhaps, my only chance to actually see him alive. On this particular day we were going to schedule the inducement date. My hopes were sky high. I couldn’t wait to meet my son.”
Chloe lost control for just a second and released a few sobs. This was always the hardest part of her story. Jack squeezed her hands reassuringly.
“But, there was no heartbeat. He was already gone.”
Tears trickled down Jack’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
“Go on home, they told me. Relax and take it easy. Let’s see if your body goes into labor on its own.”
“They sent you home?” Jack said, incredulous.
“Yes. My baby was still inside of me, but he was gone. And they wanted me to go home and relax. I’ll never understand that. I had to go home with a dead baby inside of me,” Chloe said and a hard sob involuntarily escaped from her body. “Mark couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as me.”
“He was wrong, Chloe. He was so very wrong,” Jack told her.
“I began to have some mild contractions, but nothing major. I called my doctor the next day. ‘Come in first thing tomorrow morning,’ he said. “We’ll do one final ultrasound, just to be sure he’s really gone. Then we’ll induce labor.’ I hardly slept that night. The contractions continued to get worse. By four in the morning I was in hard labor and sobbing uncontrollably. I knew there would be no reward at the end, no prize for my efforts. Mark drove me to the hospital in silence. They broke my water and I suddenly felt as though I was drowning. A typical characteristic of Trisomy 18 is excess amniotic fluid. But I wasn’t expecting the amount of water that came forth. It was the only moment when I truly panicked. I looked nine months pregnant and it suddenly dawned on me that it was almost all fluid. The nurses calmed me down and cleaned everything up. I gave birth that afternoon. He was stillborn.”
“I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”
“The nurses let him stay with me for as long as I pleased. They never once pushed for me to let him go. I held him the entire time, until late that evening. It was truly some of the most precious hours of my life, albeit heart-wrenching. He was like holding a piece of heaven in my arms. I loved him and I wanted him. We named him Christopher, Mark’s middle name.”
“You were actually able to hold him?”
“Yes, and he was so beautiful, angelic even. My little visitor from heaven. He was tiny. Only two pounds, nine ounces. He was thirteen and a half inches long though. A good size and he fit in my arms perfectly.” Chloe hung her head, unsure if she should share the gory details. She’d never once shared this part of the story with anyone. She knew most people would be mortified. “To me he was beautiful. But, we don’t know how long he’d been gone. I hadn’t been feeling much movement for a couple of days even before that last ultrasound.” She looked Jack in the eyes. “The womb doesn’t preserve the baby, Jack. They do begin to decompose. I didn’t even get to see him when he was pink and perfect. Even that was denied me,” she said as her face crumpled and she cried as he leaned forward and embraced her. The sound of her sobs echoed off the walls in the forever-silent room.
“He had perfect little hands and feet,” Jack uttered.
Her precious pictures of Christopher hung around the room, her pride and joy, the only piece left of him. One was a picture of his feet, the other a picture of one hand, with her wedding ring lying within his lifeless grasp.
“The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation took those pictures. They’re a group of volunteer photographers that come to the hospital when a family loses a baby, or when they are about to lose a baby. They do a photo session and give the pictures to the family, free of charge. I’m forever thankful to have such beautiful pictures of Christopher. Renee arranged it. At the time, it was the last thing on my mind.”
“I had no idea,” Jack commented, clearly overwhelmed. It was all a bit much to take in.
“I was so alone. Renee was on her way as soon as the arrangements could be made, but even then it’s a long flight.”
“Where was Mark?”
Chloe hesitated, knowing in her heart how bad this was going to sound. “Mark hated every minute of the entire ordeal. Midway through, he stopped coming with me to the doctor appointments. He couldn’t take it. It was just too much for him. After Christopher was born and he saw that I was all right, he left…and he didn’t come back.”
“He left you alone?”
“Yes.”
“He didn’t even hold Christopher?”
“Not once. He didn’t attend the funeral either.”
“You had a funeral?”
“Yes, absolutely. It was the tiniest coffin I’ve ever seen. Not many people realize that a stillborn baby is buried in a cemetery and given the same respect as an actual living person.”
Jack nodded. “He did live.”
“Thank you for saying that. Yes, Christopher did live. He lived his short life inside of me. He was filled with life. I know because I felt him every second of every day. Maybe that was all the life he needed. Maybe he didn’t need to experience the trials of this world. It was enough and he could return to heaven, where he belonged.”
“You gave him life, Chloe. He knows that. He knows how much you loved him, how much you wanted him. You did everything you could.”
Jack understood. She knew he would. “Christopher is buried in a cemetery near here. I visit him often.” Chloe stared at her hands, once again tightly woven with Jack’s. “I’m not sure that Mark has ever gone. He likes to pretend it never happened.” She hated the bitterness in her tone. “The usual picture that’s taken at the hospital is of both the husband and wife’s wedding rings in the baby’s grasp. But Christopher’s pict
ure holds only one ring, my ring. It’s somehow symbolic.”
“I can’t believe you went through all of that, Chloe.”
“I took a cab home from the hospital, empty handed and more alone than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My milk had come in, my breasts were rock hard, and my chest ached and throbbed horribly. I didn’t have a baby to drink the milk my body had produced. It was just another cruel twist of fate.”
“Chloe…”
“I went through everything. Morning sickness, swollen ankles, an aching back, peeing every five minutes, contractions, labor, delivery…everything. I went through everything,” she repeated. “Except having a baby in the end. That was denied me.”
Jack looked her directly in the eyes. “You did everything within your power to give your baby life. There wasn’t anything more you could have done. There’s great comfort in knowing you did what you could. After that, it’s out of your hands, and in God’s hands.”
“Yes, it was the first time I realized just how much our lives are not in our control. I loved him. I wanted him. I miss him,” Chloe said, unable to stop her tears. “Even though he was nearly perfect on the outside, he had severe heart and abdominal defects. He couldn’t have lived. The defects were not something the doctors could have repaired. It was amazing that he lived as long as he did, an absolute miracle. Christopher fought for his life, that much was obvious.”
“He wanted to live. And you fought for him as well.”
“It reminded me of something a reporter said when the tragedy of nine-eleven happened. He was interviewing an architect, asking how it was possible that the Twin Towers had fallen. The architect responded incredulously. He said, ‘The question is not: why did the Twin Towers fall? An airplane crashed into a building. Think about that for a moment. The real question is: why did the Twin Towers stay standing for as long as they did at all?’ It was the same with our little Christopher. Why did he live as long as he did? It was a miracle. I’ll never regret giving him his life, even if it was a short one.”
“You are one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met, Chloe. You’ve earned a place in heaven with your actions. Don’t you realize that?”
Chloe couldn’t look away from him, his eyes and his voice mesmerizing. His words caused a heart-wrenching sob to escape from deep within her belly.
“I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing to say,” he said worriedly.
“No, you don’t understand, no one has ever said that to me before.”
“It’s high time someone did.”
Chloe lowered her head, tears pouring down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to hear in one sitting. I’ll understand if you’d like to leave.”
Jack placed a hand on her chin, lifting up her head until her red-rimmed eyes met his. “I’m not leaving you, Chloe. Not after you bared your soul to me. I can’t believe what you’ve been through. You’re amazing. I can’t believe you’re still standing after going through it.”
“Somehow I am, I’m not sure how though. We don’t die of grief, although sometimes it feels as though it will kill us,” she said, her eyes watery.
“Can it happen again?” Jack asked.
The million dollar question. The one everyone always asked her. It was the first question Mark had asked, even before he knew Christopher’s fate. And even though it was a valid question, it angered her that Mark had immediately counted Christopher out.
“Christopher had Full Trisomy 18. It’s a genetic disorder, but it’s not hereditary. It’s a fluke. It can happen to any pregnancy. It’s no one’s fault. There’s nothing we did to cause it and there’s nothing we could have done to prevent it. It’s just a random occurrence that sometimes happens.”
“I never knew something like that could happen.”
“Me either.”
Jack’s eyes wandered around the room. “May I?”
“Yes,” Chloe answered, pleased. She liked that Jack actually wanted to look around The Room. He didn’t want to get the heck out of The Room as quick as he could and he didn’t seem creeped out or repulsed by her story. He perused The Room, stopping to look upon the pictures, and occasionally running a hand over a stuffed animal. “This room is amazing, a child’s dream room. It’s so…sweet, so precious in here. I feel as though I could sit in here all day and soak it all up.”
Stunned, Chloe’s tears fell a little faster. Mark had always thought of this room as a mausoleum. He hated it and constantly asked her to take it down. He insisted she keep the door closed and he never set foot inside of it. It was refreshing to hear Jack’s feelings. Of course, he didn’t have the same emotional investment that Mark had, but she appreciated his response all the same. Deep in her heart, she suspected that Jack would’ve behaved very differently from how Mark had behaved, given the situation. She had no proof of that though, just a feeling.
A strong feeling.
Jack pulled the only adult book off the bookshelf of children’s books and flipped through the pages. He’d grabbed What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the only pregnancy book she owned.
“It was a gift from Renee. Unfortunately, it didn’t apply to me. Nothing in there was what I was expecting.”
Jack frowned and moved on, pausing next to the digital photo frame. “May I?” he asked again.
“Sure.”
Jack pressed play and soft, sweet music wafted through the air, the music she’d chosen for Christopher’s funeral. The frame held a video of herself at the end of Christopher’s funeral, a large bunch of balloons in her hands. A lone figure, she walked to the edge of a field and slowly released the balloons into the air. They gently drifted up and up and up as she watched. When it was over, Jack hit play again and watched it one more time.
“It was Renee’s idea. It was supposed to help with closure, like symbolically letting go, releasing my baby and giving him back to heaven. It was a memorable moment, surprisingly poignant. I like to re-live it sometimes.”
He turned and looked at her, his eyes wet with tears. “I’m sorry you had to go through it alone.”
“If I could have, maybe I would’ve left too. I didn’t have that option. I don’t blame Mark, I really don’t. Who wouldn’t want to escape? It was a horrific experience.”
“I don’t think it was,” Jack stated quietly.
Startled by his words, Chloe said, “Excuse me?”
“I don’t believe you.”
Chloe felt surprised by his perceptiveness. Her breath caught in her throat as she said, “You’re right. Losing him was horrific. But the experience was one of the most precious times of my life. I’ve never felt so full of love for another individual. It consumed me. I loved him with an intensity I’ve never felt before. He’s the greatest blessing I’ve ever received in my life and I don’t regret a single moment. Maybe I never actually heard him speak, but he said more to me in his short life than anyone has ever said to me in my lifetime. He spoke to my heart in ways that are unfathomable. He changed me and left an imprint on my life that I will never forget. He taught me the true meaning of love and what it’s like to love someone else more than yourself.”
Jack shook his head, fighting emotion. “I can see that, I can feel that. This room is a testament to that love. I can feel your overwhelming love for your child just by glancing in here. That’s how strong it is.”
“Not everyone would agree with you. Mark hates this room. It represents loss to him.”
Jack took a step closer, his eyes blazing. “It represents love, completely unselfish love that few people in this world will ever understand or experience. I’m amazed by you, Chloe.”
Chloe stood, her tears rolling down her cheeks fast and strong. “Except I lost everything in the process. I lost my baby, I lost my husband…and I lost myself.”
“Mark abandoned you when you needed him the most. He lost you, you didn’t lose him.”
“He moved to the guest room. He couldn’t look at me, much less touch me.”
“
You reminded him of his failure. You never gave up. He did,” Jack stated firmly, more discerning than anyone she’d encountered.
“Everyone gave up on me. Everyone!” Chloe cried and fell to her knees, her tears making her weak.
Jack knelt in front of her, once again taking her hands in his. “What do you mean?”
“My friends, my family, I lost all of them. They became tired of hearing me cry. My feelings are all over the map and they got tired of hearing me contradict myself all the time. I wanted to talk about him and then I didn’t want to talk about him. If they spoke of him, I cried, if they didn’t speak of him, I was offended. No one could do anything right. In the end, no one wanted to talk to me. They said it was unhealthy to speak of Christopher. They pretend like it never happened.”
“They’re wrong, Chloe.”
“My friends are all having babies and they don’t want to be around me. It’s like they don’t want to look at me because I’ve endured the unthinkable and who wants to know that such a thing can happen? No one wants to be reminded of the fragility of life. Do you realize how many things can go wrong during pregnancy? Every single baby born on this earth is an absolute miracle. I am a walking reminder that things can and do go miserably wrong.” Chloe gasped for breath as she attempted to speak through her tears. “I never spend time with my friends anymore. What would we talk about anyway? New mothers are obsessed with their babies and no one, NO ONE wants to tell me about their babies because they think I’ll start crying—and you know what? They’re right, I will. So they avoid me, and if we run into each other, they don’t mention the word baby when they’re around me. They pretend like it didn’t happen. But it did! It did happen and Christopher is my baby. I have a baby. I am a mother and I want to talk about him. If I don’t talk about him, who will? If I don’t remember him, who will? But no one wants to hear about a baby that you lost. It’s too much, it’s the dark side of life, the things that are forbidden in conversation, the things we sweep under the rug quickly when no one is looking. It’s taboo. But I want to talk about him! I want to remember him!” she screamed, breathing hard, as if she’d just run a race.