by Nikki Ash
“No, Angel. We are not going to discuss this, again. When daddy isn’t home you go to bed on time. You will see him in the morning.”
And cue my four-year old’s tantrum. Tears pour down her face instantly—I swear they are crocodile tears because really? How does one produce real tears that quickly? —But she still looks absolutely heart broken and pitiful, and as a mother that’s hard to deal with.
“Mommy, it’s not fair! I-I miss him when he’s not home and he misses me. I have to go to school all day. I want to drop out of school and be a fighter like daddy.” And now I am about to cry right along with her…
* * *
Cooper
I try so hard to get home by eight on the nights I don’t see Bella at the gym because I don’t ever want to go a day without spending time with my little princess. Our time together is so precious and I never want to take it for granted. Bentley and I were working on some grappling techniques for his upcoming fight and completely lost track of time. When I realized how late it was I ran out the door without even showering and rushed home determined to kiss my sweet girl goodnight.
Growing up, my dad barely ever made it home, nor did he care to. My mom was the only one who tucked me in at night and the unhappier she became, and the more she went out, the more a babysitter tucked me in. I don’t ever want to become my dad and I never want to drive Liz to become my mom.
There are moments in life when one small thing happens that shouldn’t be a big deal but it is, and it changes everything. It changes the way you see yourself, it changes the way you see those around you, and it changes the way you view the situation. I would define this moment as just that, a life-changing moment.
I run up the stairs to Bella’s room hoping to catch her still awake and can hear my princess sobbing. I go to enter the room when I hear her hiccup out, “Mommy, it’s not fair! I-I miss him when he’s not home and he misses me. I have to go to school all day. I want to drop out of school and be a fighter like daddy.”
Remember when I said my heart shattered the day she was in the hospital for smoke inhalation? I take that back. It must have been a mere fracture. What’s the difference? A fracture isn’t broken. It hurts like a bitch but it’s still intact. A shatter on the other hand is a full-on break. Pieces are everywhere and there’s no way they are ever being put back together again. I grab ahold of my chest and try to stop the pain from radiating inside of me. If I never hear my daughter sobbing and crying out like that it will be too soon.
And what’s worse is that I am the cause. I listen for a second to hear Liz’s reply.
“Bella Faith, you need to calm down. I cannot continue to do this with you several times a week. I understand you miss daddy and I miss him too but you are not dropping out of preschool. If you want to work with daddy one day then you will go to school and graduate and get a job when you are older. Your job right now is to go to school. Becoming a fighter like your dad is a great goal but you still have to go to school.”
Liz sounds completely exhausted and aggravated. From her response it’s clear this isn’t the first or even third time Bella has thrown a fit about missing me at night. If Bella is upset then there’s a good chance so is Liz. She gave me this second chance and I can’t screw it up. If she isn’t happy she will leave which means Bella and Liz won’t be living under my roof anymore. I can’t imagine having to live without these two girls. They have turned this house into a home with their presence.
I have heard guys complain about the messes their kids leave all over the house, or that their wife or girlfriend bought new furniture that’s too girly. I don’t know why they are complaining. Seeing the pictures Liz has put up, or the new pillows she bought to add color to the living room, or when I walk in and almost trip on Bella’s cute princess shoes, it all makes my day. It is evidence that I am living with the two most precious girls, and the day I don’t see any of that is the day my life will no longer have meaning.
I can hear Bella sobbing still but she doesn’t respond which means she must be giving up. When she knows she is going to lose the battle she shuts down I absolutely love how bright her passion burns and I hope it never burns out. I knock softly on the door to let them know of my arrival, and then walk in. Bella tries to quickly wipe her tears and Liz freezes in place probably wondering how much I heard.
I pretend like I didn’t hear anything and ignore Bella’s tears. “Hey princess. I was hoping you weren’t asleep. Has mommy read you a book yet?” I can see it in her eyes that her mom already read her a book and she doesn’t want to lie but she wants this time with me, shit, she needs this time with me, and I need it with her.
“I read her The Giving Tree.” Liz replies softly trying to gage my reaction to Bella’s tears but I make sure not to give anything away.
“Nice. Is it too late to pick one more book to read to Bella before she goes to bed?” I direct the question to Liz to make sure it’s ok. I know it’s after Bella’s bedtime so I don’t want to step on any toes but I really don’t want her to tell me no. Bella waits for Liz’s answer and when she says ok, Bella jumps out of bed to grab a book.
I mouth thank you to Liz and she gives me a small smile before walking out to give Bella and me some alone time.
“How’s it going, princess?”
My daughter is a smart girl so she knows exactly what I’m asking but she just lifts her shoulders up like she’s not sure what I am asking about.
“Are you giving your mom a hard time?”
I can see the tears well back up in her eyes and she leans over to hug me tightly sniffling back the cries that are breaking out. “I just wanted to see you before I went to bed but she said I had to go to sleep. I just miss you so much sometimes. I’m sorry. It’s just not fair. Bedtimes are dumb.”
“I know it’s not fair, princess. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do because it’s what’s best for us. Your mommy loves you so much and she has you go to bed at eight o’clock because you need your sleep. You want to be a fighter, right?” She nods her head.
“Well, if you want to be a fighter, you have to get lots of sleep so you can grow. Did you know we grow in our sleep? So, you need your sleep.”
I know she gets it but she wouldn’t be my Bella if she didn’t still state her case. That’s where her passion comes in. When she believes in something, she fights for it. I can’t even imagine what she will be like when she hits her teenager years.
“Ok daddy, but I still miss you and want to say goodnight to you.”
It hits me then that we have technology, and as annoying as it can be, it can also be very convenient. “How about we compromise? On the nights I am not home by bedtime you can use your mom’s iPhone to Face Time me on my phone so we can see each other and say goodnight?”
Her entire face lights up and she sits up straighter like I just gave her free reign at a toy store. “Ok, deal! Just make sure you answer.”
I give her a kiss on her forehead and say with absolute conviction. “I will always answer your phone calls. No matter where I am or what I am doing; I will also make sure I am here for you, I promise. Now, let’s read you that book.”
When I finish reading the book, Bella is passed out holding onto my arm like she needs it to breathe. It doesn’t matter what I have going on, I need to make sure the only time I am not here to tuck her into bed is if I am away. Fuck, I can’t believe in a couple weeks I have to leave. It will be the first time I have been away from Bella and Liz since they moved in here. Sometimes it feels like I need them to breathe.
I walk downstairs to the living room to find Liz curled up on the couch reading, and I almost feel bad taking her away from her book but I need some quality time with my woman. She sees me coming towards her and puts the iPad away.
“Hey baby, I thought you were going to be gone longer. Is everything ok?”
I sit down next to Liz’s feet and drag her legs up over mine, and then her ass until she is sitting on my lap. I wrap my arms ar
ound her body and drink in her scent. This right here is home yet looking at this woman I feel like I barely know her. Yes, I know the person she was when we met five years ago and the person she is today. She was and still is fun, and sexy, and so damn smart. She is an amazing mother and friend, and she has the biggest, kindest heart. I mean, what woman goes to the man’s funeral that almost killed her daughter? She cooks dinner for us every night even though I know it isn’t her cup of tea, and she works hard at the gym even though she knows how much money I have. Liz could easily stay home all day and let me take care of her but she wants to earn her own way and be equal. What I don’t know is the person I missed out on for the last five years, the woman who was forced to grow up at eighteen because she was pregnant so young but still determined to make it through college. I want to know all about that woman.
“Tell me about the last five years.”
She seems a bit confused at my request. “What do you want to know?”
“I want to know everything. I want to know all about your pregnancy and Bella, every age, every milestone, and every detail. I hate that I missed out on so much, and I feel like no matter how much I try to catch up I am too damn far behind.”
“Umm, ok. Well after I found out I was pregnant; Kayla started coming with me to all my appointments. From the minute she found out she never missed one. We would make sure they were on a day neither of us had school; I think the nurses and doctors thought we were lesbians. I had morning sickness for the first trimester, which totally sucked, but then it went away and the rest of my pregnancy was smooth sailing, thank God. At twenty weeks I could have found out the sex but Kayla wanted to know so badly I decided to wait. It was so much fun driving her crazy. She couldn’t even shop like she wanted to because everything had to be in neutral colors.”
She laughs through all of this and I am glad she had Kayla and has good memories but I hate those memories don’t include me. I cuddle her harder needing her closer to me. “I wish I could have been there. I would have held your hair back when you were sick, and we definitely would have found out the sex of the baby. I would have gone crazy not knowing how to prepare. I know Kayla was there but I hate that it wasn’t me.”
“I know, baby but you can’t think like that or you will go crazy from guilt about something you can’t change. Ok, Let’s see… At forty-two weeks pregnant they induced me because Bella didn’t want to come out, and after forty-seven hours in labor they had to do an emergency caesarean because her heart rate dropped. When they took her out, at first I couldn’t hear her crying. I kept asking Kayla if she was ok and I could tell by Kayla’s answers something was wrong but they had a sheet put up so I couldn’t see. When Bella came out she wasn’t breathing so they had to pump oxygen into her lungs. Finally she took her first breath and started to cry, and it felt like my world was complete. They brought her over to me and announced she was a girl. After a few days we both went home and then the fun began.”
I know she’s trying to make light of the situation by joking but I can’t even imagine how hard it was for her and Kayla to raise a baby on their own at eighteen. I don’t say anything though, because I like listening to her talk. Instead I give her a kiss and she continues.
“The first year was exhausting. Bella had Colic, which is like acid reflux, kind of. So, she had to get put on a special formula, and I wanted to breastfeed but I couldn’t pump, and I had to go back to school. I had her in the middle of the semester so I only took off the days I was in the hospital. I couldn’t afford daycare and I didn’t want her to be with strangers so Kayla and I made sure our schedules were opposite so one of us was always home with Bella. My mom came to visit for a few weeks after Bella came home; she slept in my room and I slept in the third bedroom with Bella.” She smiles absently like she is reliving those memories. What I would give to be in her head and heart, and see all of her memories firsthand.
She pulls out her phone and opens a photo app. “I lost all our photos and such in the fire but luckily I have all Bella’s pictures saved digitally.”
She begins flipping through them showing me Bella as a newborn, Bella at one, two, three years old, Halloweens, Christmases, and Birthdays. Most are of just Bella but once in awhile I see a pic of Kayla and Liz as well; it’s like watching them all grow up together. When she gets to the last one she has silent tears falling down her face.
I swipe them away and turn her to face me. “Why the tears, baby girl?”
“I love looking at pictures of Bella but looking at them with you feels bitter sweet. I have such mixed emotions because I feel like I should feel bad that I messed up with the birth control but at the same time I don’t want to feel bad because my screw up got me Bella and I would never wish to not have her. Then I feel bad that you didn’t get to experience any of those memories but at the same time I wouldn’t trade those memories for the world because I created them with Bella. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, it makes perfect sense, and I am thankful for your screw up. I can’t imagine not having Bella in our lives.” I kiss her forehead and we sit together for a few minutes just enjoying each other’s company. I don’t know what comes over me but suddenly I blurt out, “I want to have a baby.”
She looks at me like I am crazy so I continue. “I missed so much with Bella and she is already almost five years old. I want to experience all of that with you. I know we aren’t married but we are living together and we will be together for the rest of our lives. I am an only child and would have loved a sibling. I bet Bella would love having a little brother or sister plus we have plenty of rooms here. I can move the gym to the garage, or we can move. We can buy a bigger house with a bigger yard…”
“Whoa, whoa. Slow down, there. Are you sure, Cooper? I mean… you went from not wanting a family to having an insta-family. Are you sure you want to add another baby to the mix?”
My heart sinks. “You don’t want to have another baby with me?”
“Of course I do! I just want you to be sure. With Bella you didn’t have a choice. You have accepted her from day one and you two have an amazing relationship already. I know you will be an amazing father to any other babies we have. I just want you to be sure. I actually have to go get my shot this week because I forgot after the whole fire situation. If this is what you really want I can skip the shot, or I can get it and we can think more about it.”
“No, don’t get the shot. Let’s let nature take its course.”
She smiles and turns to straddle my lap wrapping her arms around my neck. “Ok, baby. We will let nature take its course.”
I lift her up by her ass and begin walking her to our bedroom. “I say we go practice baby-making right now.”
“I agree!” She says through her giggles as I slam the door behind us.
Chapter Nineteen
Liz
It’s Monday morning and everybody leaves tomorrow night to go to Boulder. Well, everybody besides me that is. I will be here running the gym even though it pretty much runs itself. I walk into my office and see a huge bouquet of pink roses. The note on the front reads:
Pack an overnight bag and be ready to go at 6pm.
-Coop
Hmm… well, ok then. The rest of the day I attempt to crunch numbers, pay bills, print receipts, but I can’t focus because I am too intrigued about tonight. At one-thirty, just as I am about to give up and head out to get Bella, Kayla comes walking in shaking her head.
“Where do you think you are going? Home I hope, to get ready for your romantic night with Cooper.”
“How did you know about that? I am going to get Bella and then going home.”
“Nope! Not happening. I already have her stuff Cooper packed and snuck out this morning. She is coming to my place for a sleepover. I am getting her from school and you are going home to get ready. I will see you tomorrow.” And with an over-exaggerated wink that reminds me of Marilyn Monroe she exits as quickly as she came in.
Cooper gets home around five o’cl
ock and runs up to jump in the shower while I finish getting ready. When he’s done we walk outside and waiting for us is a cab.
I go to ask him questions but he raises two fingers to my mouth to shush me. We get in and he gives the driver an address to go to.
When we pull up to a BMW dealership I am confused. “I know you weren’t big on relationships but surely you know that a car dealership isn’t considered romantic.”
He laughs at me and shakes his head while grabbing my hand, kissing it, and then pulling me along.
The gentleman manning the door asks how he can help us and Cooper tells him he is picking up a purchase. He gives him his name and the gentleman directs us to the pick up area. Cooper signs a few papers and then is handed the keys and pointed in the direction we are to go.
When we get to the vehicle it is a beautiful midnight blue SUV. I am not sure why he’s getting another SUV but it’s his money so who am I to judge. I go to get in the passenger seat but he cuts me off before I can get in.
“Would you mind driving?”
Ok, I never drive. I can drive but Cooper is one of those guys that insist the man drives everywhere.