Healed Hearts

by Helen Wilder

  “Oh baby, no. It was just work. I promise, there is nothing to worry about, I’m perfectly healthy.”

  “Okay.” There’s no reason for me to doubt what he’s telling me. It’s my own fear playing with my mind.

  Leaving work for the day I head towards the cemetery. I didn’t even realize this is where I was headed until I saw the sign on the gates. I step out of the car and walk the familiar path to my mother’s grave. Sitting on the small bench placed before it I stare at her name engraved into the stone as images of the last day we spent together fill my mind. She was laughing and happy and then she was gone. Without warning. Just gone.

  “Hey, Mom. I know I haven’t been to visit for a few weeks and I’m sorry. I was having a bit of a rough time but I have good news. I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby. Can you believe that? Jordan and I are going to have a family. Just like we always used to dream and talk about years ago. I’m scared of things going wrong but tell Hope for me that she is going to have a little brother or sister. Jordan is so excited he keeps touching my stomach. I wish you were here to share all this with. I miss you. I hope I can be half as great a mother as you were, because you really were the best.” Tears leak out of my eyes as I speak, the ache of missing her never goes away. I wonder how much shopping she would have done before the baby even got here; she would have loved and spoiled it to pieces. It’s so unfair that my child will never get to meet their grandmother. It makes me angry. I want to scream but I don’t. All I can do is make sure her memory lives on and the baby knows how kind and caring she was.

  My phone vibrating in my pocket pulls me out of my lost thoughts. It’s Jordan calling me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, where are you? I just got home.” I check the time on my phone. I didn’t realize how much time had passed as I was sitting here pouring my heart out and thinking of the past and future.

  “I’m at the cemetery, I’ll be home soon.”

  “Okay, take your time and drive safely.”

  “I will.”

  “I love you.”

  “Love you more.” Hanging up I look at the photo of us on our wedding day which I have as my background. It’s my favorite one that was taken that day. I’m laughing and he’s smiling, looking at me, his eyes shining with affection. He never lets a single day pass without telling me he loves me.

  Walking into the house I’m greeted with a bright blue, plush peacock toy sitting in the corner of our couch. This is the last thing I expected to be waiting for me.

  “What is this?” I pick it up, holding it to my chest. Jordan comes up behind me, placing his arms around my waist and a kiss to my neck. “Where on earth did you find this?”

  “I was passing a toy shop today on my way home and I went in. I couldn’t help it I wanted to buy something for our little one. As soon as I saw it I knew it was perfect, so that is baby’s first toy.” I pull it closer to me and turn around in his arms.

  “That is so sweet. I love it. Thank you.” I meet his lips with mine sharing a slow and intimate kiss, then lean my head back to look into his green eyes. “You’re going to be an incredible father.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so.”

  Tonight is my monthly meet up with my best friend for dinner. Jordan has gone over to hang out with her husband Peter while I’m here. Those two have really become great friends over the last year, which works out great in my favor when I need girl time. I’m waiting for Becca at Barcelona Wine Bar, the same place where Jordan happened to be outside waiting for me beside my car after I moved back to town, ambushing me and telling me we’re not over. He was right, I think to myself as I place my hand on my stomach. Daddy can be very persistent. Becca comes in like a whirlwind all flustered, plopping down in her chair opposite with a dramatic sigh. Her pixie hair cut has grown out, now reaching her shoulders and she’s still in her work uniform.

  “I need wine.” She says while grabbing the menu. “I had the client from hell at the end of the day. I was tempted to just lock her in the salon and leave. Should we just order a bottle?”

  “Oh! Um…I’m not drinking today.” He eyes peek out from above the menu looking at me in confusion.

  “Since when do you say no to wine?”

  “I…” I shrug. Well shit. “I don’t feel like it. I’ve been a little unwell. I think I’m catching a cold.” Well, that’s the worst lie I could have told.

  “Holy shit, you’re pregnant.” She places the menu back on the table and stares at me wide mouthed.

  “What? Why would you think that?” I laugh nervously.

  “I know you, and two, wine is always a yes, no questions asked, and three, this is what you’ve wanted since…, well, you know, but you’re actually glowing so fuck yeah!”

  “Yeah!” A happy tear escapes as I admit the fact I really am pregnant to her.

  “Tell me everything.” Her hand grips mine across the table.

  After a rundown of the last couple of weeks I blurt out, “I’m afraid.”

  “What do you mean? What are you scared of?”

  “You were there when I lost Hope. I’m scared something will go wrong again and I haven’t told Jordan how I feel, he’s over the moon and I don’t want to worry him.” She moves her chair around the table, placing it next to mine, wrapping her arms around my shoulders tightly.

  “Listen good because I’m only going to say this once. I can’t promise that everything will be smooth sailing but I can tell you that you are going to have that sweet baby in your arms, crying and kicking. This time is different, Vic. You have Jordan by your side and I can guarantee that there is no way in hell that man is going to let anything happen to you and your child.”

  “Thank you, for always telling me what I need to hear.” She’s correct. Jordan would rather die than let anything happen to us.

  “That’s my job. I am so happy for you sweetie and I can’t wait to meet my godchild.”

  “A bit presumptuous aren’t you?” I laugh but she’s right, there is no one else I would entrust my child to.

  “Please, you know I’m the only choice. Now, about that wine?”

  Jordan

  June is upon us and school is out so Tori is finally on summer vacation which I’m absolutely thrilled about, she has been exhausted the last two weeks, barely staying awake in the afternoons. By the time summer is over she’ll be six months pregnant. I’m going to try my best to convince her to not return to work when the new school year starts in the fall. I honestly see no point in her going back for a month or two then starting maternity leave. I really hope she doesn’t fight me too hard on it when I suggest it.

  Today we have our appointment for our first ultrasound. Tori is twelve weeks pregnant or somewhere around there. Even though I’ve read up on as much information as I can find I still feel a little lost when it comes to anything pregnancy related. I have been counting down the days to today, eager and excited to see our baby. She’s been tired, falling asleep all the time and has only been a little nauseous until this morning where she threw up all the water she drank without warning then proceeded to start crying. I’m trying to be supportive but there are days she becomes this scary person which she blames on her hormones. The next six months are sure to be interesting.

  Sitting in the hospital corridor waiting to be seen Tori has been bouncing her right leg up and down for the past two minutes. I place my hand on her thigh to get her to stop.

  “Relax. Your nerves are making me anxious.”

  “I’m scared, Jordan. What if we get in there and there’s no heartbeat? What if they find something wrong? There’s no way of knowing if our baby is okay up until now.” Moving from my seat beside her, I kneel in front of her, taking her hands in mine and holding her wide hazel eyes with mine.

  “It will be fine. I believe that deep within my soul.” She only nods at my words.

  “My bladder feels like it’s going to explode.” Tori wiggles around on her seat for the hundredth time. Why
they insist on a woman drinking thirty two ounces of water an hour before an ultrasound I don’t understand. She has been complaining all morning about needing the bathroom. I know better than to laugh or say anything so I just commiserate along with her, assuring her it won’t be much longer. I move back to my seat and ask her if she wants to play a game of hangman on my phone to pass the time.

  “Victoria Spencer?”

  The doctor finally calls us inside and I feel my heart skip a beat. This is it. We get to see our baby. The room itself is dark with nothing but a bed, an ultrasound machine and a television screen mounted on the wall. Tori lays down on the examination table and lifts her top up to expose her still flat stomach. She answers the doctor’s questions who enters details into the system, going through her past medical history and the date of her last period.

  “Let’s take a look at your baby shall we?”

  The small plastic probe is placed against Tori’s abdomen and our attention is glued to the grainy image on the television screen. I’m trying to make out exactly what it is I’m seeing when suddenly I clearly make out the shape of the baby’s head. Oh my God! The tiny little person on the screen is real. That’s our baby that is growing and living inside my wife. This is the best thing I have ever seen, nothing can beat this. This is so fucking surreal. Tears of joy fill my eyes and simultaneously clog my throat.

  As the doctor takes her measurements and photos I cannot tear my gaze away from the baby. I notice a little hand move, as if it’s waving and saying hi.

  “Everything looks perfect.” The doctor gives us both a reassuring smile. “See this flutter, that’s your baby’s heartbeat.” The grip of Tori’s hand in mine tightens. I lay multiple kisses on her temple watching my kid’s heartbeat inside its mother. This is the most amazing thing I have witnessed.

  “He’s fine.”

  “He?”

  “It’s a 50/50 guess.”

  “Going off this scan, your baby is due December twenty eighth. You could be having a Christmas baby.” I can’t fucking wait. This is going to make the holidays even better.

  Once the doctor is finished with the scan I help Tori clean the gel off her stomach with a paper towel then pull her up off the table.

  “I really need to pee.” With that she makes a run for the bathroom leaving me to collect our baby’s sonogram pictures. I thank the doctor and walk out with a spring in my step while gazing at the printouts in my hand.

  Instead of heading into the office after our appointment I call my assistant to tell her I’m taking the rest of the day off and drive us home. As soon as we enter through the front door I pick Tori up in my arms and attack her mouth with a carnal kiss. I have a sudden urge to possess her. I need to show her my devotion and adoration and I know of only one way to do that. With her legs wrapped around me I walk us to our bedroom, removing clothes as we go.

  I have her naked on our bed in next to no time.

  I run my fingers up and down her pussy, she feels different, her breasts are slightly bigger too. I hungrily descend taking her clit in my mouth.

  “Oh God,” she moans grabbing my hair and riding my face. She tastes even sweeter if that is possible.

  Pulling away before she has the chance to cum she whimpers at the loss of contact. Leaning over her, her bare pussy brushes against my dick. I can feel her wetness as I grind down on her. Taking her mouth in a hard kiss, my tongue massaging hers, I grip her hips,

  enter her and hold still. She tries to move underneath me but I push her further into the mattress with my hands on her hips, stopping her motions and look at her.

  “You are amazing. I fall more in love with you each day and now you’re giving me a child.” My cock swells inside her at the thought of her getting bigger and round with my child. Fuck, I’m not going to last long.

  Thrusting hard over and over into her warmth, she grabs my ass pulling me deeper and I know she’s there.

  “Cum, baby.” I growl as she shakes with pleasure, her walls gripping me tightly, draining me as she cums around me with a silent scream.

  Leaning on my hand I run my eyes over Tori, her hair is a sweaty mess, cheeks flushed and hazel eyes shining. She’s never looked more beautiful. My free hand draws lazy circles on her stomach.

  “I’m still in absolute awe after today. After one small glimpse on that screen I’m so in love with this little person.”

  “It’s pretty incredible.”

  “Who do you think they’ll look like? I bet they’ll get your chin dimple.”

  “No, I think they’ll get your dimples and eyes.”

  “Are you hoping for a little boy or a girl?” At my question her eyes widen and her bottom lip begins to tremble. She turns her head away from me and her hand goes to the angel necklace around her neck.

  “Victoria?” What did I say to get her this upset? “Hey, look at me.” I cup her cheek bringing her face back towards mine.

  “I don’t…I can’t…” Her breath starts to come out rapidly and I’m starting to get seriously worried now at her reaction.

  “Tori, talk to me. What’s going on in your head?”

  “It’s going to sound so stupid and selfish but I want a little boy who looks like you. I don’t want a little girl, it feels like I’m replacing Hope and I don’t want that. I don’t want to forget her.”

  “Baby no, no one is replacing her and we could never forget her. She will always be in here.” I point to her heart, “and she will forever be out there in that garden with us and watch over her sibling as they grow and play.” I mention the flower bed where our first baby’s ashes were placed then take her in my arms. How could I not think that all this would bring back memories of her first pregnancy and the traumatic loss she endured?

  “This is my issue and the truth is I’ll love our child no matter what we have, I’m well aware that we can’t pick what we’re having, I just want them to be healthy but it’s hard to not think of what can go wrong. Please don’t be mad.”

  “You are entitled to feel that way and I could never be mad at you over your fears. There is no right or wrong way to deal with your emotions, I am not going to judge you for it, all I ask is that you tell me when you feel overwhelmed or scared and we’ll deal with it together.” As I hold her in my arms I slowly rock her back and forth.

  “I can do that.”

  “The way I see it is that we have a little guardian angel looking out for our second baby.”

  “That’s a beautiful way to look at it.”

  I hold her until she falls asleep, secure and safe in my arms. I will go the ends of the earth to protect them both. Nothing is more important to me than my family. I wasn’t around the first time so all of this is a new experience for me, the doctor’s appointments and the throwing up, the mood swings. She was heartbroken because of me when she was pregnant the first time around. I was also to blame for the further heartache she suffered. There are days I still hate myself for what I caused. I hope as the months pass that the old resentment she had towards me doesn’t resurface with thoughts of what she could have had if our daughter had the chance to live. I will try my best to keep her positive and happy until this baby is here with us.

  The other thing that has been weighing on my mind is the phone call I received from Eve. I feel uncomfortable keeping it from Tori but she asked for my advice and I can’t break my client-lawyer confidentiality. Her father had her sign some documents before he went to prison. She had no idea what he was involving her in and she needs help getting out of the contracts. She came to me saying I was the only person who she can trust since I know the history behind everything. As much as I don’t want to, I feel obligated to help her.

  Here’s hoping I can sort this mess out quickly and Eve doesn’t try anything because Tori does not need that kind of stress and I would like to keep my balls.

  Victoria

  I’ve reached the halfway point of my pregnancy. Twenty weeks. With each week which passes without incident I sigh with reli
ef. I need to get through the next month without anything going wrong. Once I hit six months then my fear of history repeating itself will disappear and I will allow myself to enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy without this anxiety hanging over me. Sure, I say that now but until I’m physically holding my baby in my arms I’m going to worry.

  Only yesterday we had our second ultrasound plus I needed to get the okay for me to fly today. We decided to not find out the sex, wanting to be surprised at the birth. My doctor assured us that things are still progressing smoothly. I stopped being sick after I hit week eighteen. Those weeks where I couldn’t keep anything down were awful, I didn’t even want to look at any type of food and when I got my appetite back all I’ve been craving is ice-cream. Rainbow ice-cream to be exact. Jordan has been the perfect husband and expectant father, doting and attending to every one of my needs. I don’t think it’s possible to love him more.

  Seated next to the window on a private plane preparing for the hour flight to Washington I run my hands across my stomach as I watch ground staff walk around, doing whatever it is they do. I’ve only felt little flutters and tiny kicks up until this point. Jordan has tried but been able to feel anything himself. As I continue looking out the window at the other nearby planes I experience the hardest kick so far. I quickly grab his hand, placing it on the side of my body where our baby is doing acrobatics inside of me.

  “Just wait.” I tell him. His eyes are glued to where his hand is. Sure enough another kick strong enough to be felt by its father knocks against my uterus. His mouth drops open in wonder.

  “Holy crap. That’s amazing. I felt my first kick.” Something so simple has made him so happy. I’m rewarded with a loving kiss. “That is fucking incredible.”

  “It sure is.”