by C. J. Anaya
I swallowed hard, knowing in that moment that all of my secrets were about to be laid bare. We entered Akane’s makeshift tent without so much as a by-your-leave, and Musubi didn’t hesitate to upend the cot that Akane was currently sleeping upon.
She moaned as she hit the ground with a soft thud, and then sprang to life in a crouched position with a dagger already unsheathed and ready to wield. When she realized it was simply us her annoyance combined with her relief was almost comical.
“How many times have I warned you about awakening me like some drunken loon recently returning from a tavern fight?” She sheathed her dagger and stood, rubbing a hand over her sleepy eyes.
“How many times have I asked you about Mikomi’s parentage, her background, her history, and how many times have you lied?”
Akane appeared wide awake now and ready to bolt should the need arise. She sent me a questioning glance, but my worried shoulder shrug conveyed my own confusion.
“What are you talking about? I haven’t lied about anything.”
“You’ve lied to me about everything.” Musubi smashed a hand down upon the rickety table in the tent, sending it flying into pieces.
Akane rolled her eyes heavenward. “The gods save me from kami and their immature temper tantrums.”
My eyes bugged out of their sockets with her provoking comment. I thought it unwise to test the kami’s restraint.
“I know you have read her, Akane. You can’t see her death, can you? You have absolutely no idea how she is going to die because her death is never going to happen. She’s half kami, isn’t she?”
The commander appeared slightly abashed on the one hand, but I sensed her relief as well. Musubi had not yet made that leap to The Healer, but how long would it take for him to do just that.
“And if I confirm your theory, what then?”
Musubi’s eyes glittered with excitement and some underlying outrage.
“Is she or isn’t she half kami?”
“She is.”
Musubi seemed to visibly relax in relief. “Do you have any idea what this means?”
Oh no. My anxious glance rested on Akane as we both held our breaths for whatever conclusions Musubi had come to.
“Tell me,” she said.
It took Musubi several seconds of gaining control over his emotions before he could speak.
“It means that she is unattached, she is…in no way tethered to a soul mate.”
Akane’s confusion was palpable, knowing full well that this title belonged to Musubi himself.
“Are you certain? Perhaps she is tethered to you in some way.”
He shook his head. “You know it doesn’t work like that for full kami. We are not given soul mates. At least most of us aren’t.”” He said that last part with a slash of bitterness. “And even if, by some miracle, the gods decided to bless me with a soul mate, I would hardly be capable of recognizing it. Not with this…” he fisted his hand to his heart, ““…this encumbrance.”
My eyebrows narrowed.
Encumbrance? What on earth was he referring to? I looked at Akane for some answers, but she appeared just as confused by his choice of words.
“Well, now you know. Mikomi is half kami, she will never die, and as one who has kami blood in her, she is automatically excluded from ever receiving a soul mate. Untethered, as you put it. So what exactly are you going to do about it?”
She had issued a challenge that I couldn’t quite grapple with. What was he supposed to do with the knowledge that I was half kami? Train me harder? Encourage me to absorb other memories that might be beneficial for my future as a samurai warrior? The answer came when Musubi turned around with a look that I can only describe as fearful, grabbed my hand and led me out of the tent, past our sparse company of soldiers and back into the thicker parts of the forest. As I struggled to keep up with him his emotions caught hold of my attention.
There was fear, certainly, but it was the fear of hoping, of holding onto an idea that might just be the beginning of something greater than simple contentment. Then that hope began to grow and his excitement grew with it. An intoxicating energy built between us as we walked deeper into the forest. I soon realized that the energy buzzing within him was simple, sweet elation. Joy took over, effectively annihilating any latent anger that had managed to survive this emotional transformation, and the moment he turned to face me I almost failed to recognize him.
The muscles in his jaw were completely relaxed. The angry scowl and bitter twist to his otherwise perfect lips had taken flight. In a word, he looked radiant.
Happy.
Hopeful.
What is going on?
As if answering my internal question, he cupped my chin and brought his lips to mine, delivering a kiss that left me dizzy with desire. I felt my knees buckle at the unexpected sensations rushing through my system, and Musubi pulled me to him, supporting me as our kiss deepened. He pulled away all of a sudden and narrowed his eyes, running a hand through his hair and muttering an expletive under his breath.
“I’m going about this all wrong.”
“What you’re doing is confusing me. Not that I’m against receiving kisses from you, but you’ve made it abundantly clear that our relationship will never go past that of teacher and student. You were painfully forthcoming on the matter.”
He took both my hands in his and held them close to his heart. “Mikomi, I…” A ball of emotion prevented him from continuing on. I saw the struggle in his countenance, experienced the exuberance of his discovery and its meaning. He tried again.
“I’ve spent centuries believing that the kind of happiness and joy others receive through finding their soul mate—the one person on this Earth capable of completing such an essential place in their heart and making it whole—would never be something I might come to know. Everyone on this Earth belongs to someone, but kami are never given to anyone. They are untethered, their duties requiring their entire focus and attention, and a family is simply not one of their duties.” He gazed upon me, nearly swallowing me whole with the hopefulness I witnessed there. “But a family is the only thing I’ve ever wanted for myself. I tried with Edana.”
It hurt to hear him mention her name again, but I fought back the uncalled for jealousy.
“She was the first human I had ever encountered who didn’t belong to anyone. I can’t account for the reasons why or how that happened, but I thought it was a chance for happiness, and I’ve never been more bitterly disappointed than when that happiness was forcibly taken from me.” He drew me in closer and traced a finger down the side of my face, allowing it to linger just under my chin. “But then you came along with your caring heart and your selfless desire to be everyone’s savior, including mine.” He shook his head as a few rogue tears slid from his eyes. “I couldn’t bear the thought of caring for you because I knew…I knew if I ever allowed my heart to be moved in that direction, I would only come up empty-handed. Every human has a soul mate, Mikomi. I didn’t read your soul because I didn’t want to know who he was. This man that would hold you during the night, be the father of your children, the one chosen to be your other half in life and in death. I knew any love I might develop for you would change my goals and strip my anger and bitterness away. It would save me from myself just as you have saved me. But you have a choice. You’’re tied to no one, least of all me, and yet that gives me more hope than I’ve ever allowed myself to realize throughout my entire existence.”
I felt tears silently sweep a path down my face as he brought my hands to his lips and gently kissed them.
“What…” I hardly dared to finish my sentence. I firmly believed in the power of hope and the way power is capable of turning obstacles we face into challenges we overcome, where life’s miracles can be found waiting on the other side. Just a hope away, really. I wanted and needed to hope that these obstacles we faced together were now being overcome. I wanted my miracle, yet I was afraid to ask for it and never see its fulfillment. “What ar
e you saying, Musubi? What is it you want?”
“I want you.” He choked on a sob. “I can give up anything, all of my hatred and anger, every wrong I feel that should have been righted. It doesn’’t need to be righted by me. I can forgive anyone anything if it means keeping you with me always.”
Trembling, I lifted my hand to his cheek and rested it there. “You and I forever. Is that what you really want?”
“You and I forever is all I will ever want.”
His eyes pleaded with me to believe him while tears continued to stream a steady path toward his strong jaw.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words?”
He enfolded me in his arms after that. Pulling me into a kiss that joined us together in ways that had never been possible simply because Musubi had never had reason to believe or hope for anything more. As our connection grew, those warm vibrant colors of gold and orange began to chip away at the darkness that held such a vise-like grip around his heart. The darkness weakened, but still remained. Though its presence was difficult to ignore, it did little to vanquish the belief I held deep within. I knew it was only a matter of time before that mass of darkness completely disappeared, giving me full access to Musubi’s heart.
The sound of snapping twigs within the foliage to our right signified the existence of another person in our midst. Musubi pulled back and took a step toward the noise.
“Who’s there?” he asked, moving into a defensive position in front of me.
I assumed Saigo had somehow managed to witness this romantic encounter and readied myself to impart a lecture on the evils of eavesdropping and the need for a little privacy every now and then.
“Saigo, you might as well come out now that you’ve announced your presence.” I nearly laughed at the ribbing I imagined he would give me for kissing Musubi.
We waited a few moments in silence, but nothing happened. Then the silence stretched into an uneasy tension. Where exactly was Saigo? Was he safe?
I maneuvered myself next to Musubi, getting ready to investigate the cause of the noise myself when a loud rushing sound came from the right, and three imperial guards emerged from the depths of the darkened forest with their swords drawn. Musubi sprang into action, taking all three of them on at the same time. I didn’t doubt his abilities, but he couldn’’t keep all of them from reaching me if they rushed us at the same time, which was exactly what they did. I took in a sharp breath and reached for the sword at my side, but came up empty-handed. I cursed myself when I remembered I’d dropped my sword when Musubi had dragged me to Akane’’s tent.
While Musubi was distracted fending off two of the guards, the third reached me within seconds and thrust his sword forward, aiming for my chest. A blinding rage overwhelmed me in that instant. This man wished to do me harm just as my father had over and over again, but it was no longer necessary for me to cower in fear or submit to the abuse inflicted upon me. I had the knowledge necessary to fight back, and by the gods, I had every intention of doing so.
I pivoted on my left foot and grabbed his sword arm, using his own momentum to carry him forward as I bent his sword arm back at an unnatural angle and twisted his wrist while ordering his ki to interrupt the electrical impulses within his brain. He released his sword into my keeping and fell upon the terrain, spasming with seizures and then losing consciousness immediately thereafter.
I couldn’t believe how quickly I had diffused such an imposing threat to myself, and then a foreign thrill of power coursed through my veins. With a simple touch and a voiced command to his ki, I had managed to subdue the soldier and bend him to my will. This rush of newfound independence felt heady. An addicting ability I shouldn’t have craved to experience again, yet I did so anyway.
I watched as Musubi dispensed with the last soldier and then rushed over to me, grabbing me by the shoulders and checking me for injuries. His fear for me made it difficult to breathe.
“Musubi, I defended myself well. I haven’t a scratch upon my person.” I motioned to the unconscious guard in a heap upon the ground.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. “I can’t believe you were able to win against a trained imperial guard.”
“Are you forgetting the memory transfer I just told you about? For all intents and purposes, I fight just as skillfully as Akane.”
He kept his arms wound tightly around me. His unsteady breathing and racing heart worried me.
I placed my hands upon his chest and connected to him, instructing his body to relax and release the fear and panic that my brush with death had caused him.
“Musubi, I am well. I—”
He caught my lips with his and delivered the most passionate kiss yet, as if he feared I would disappear or cease to exist if his arms weren’t crushing me to him and his lips weren’t bound to mine. Lost in his affections, I answered in kind and relished this exchange that held no limitations or reservations. His kisses softened and soon he rested his forehead against mine as we took a moment to catch our breaths.
“I don’t want you anywhere near this battle,” he stated.
I narrowed my eyes. “What? We’ve already decided this. I’m the only one most familiar with the dungeons’ location and layout. I need to be there assisting in the release of Hachiman and whomever else the emperor has imprisoned within the palace’s dungeons.”
Musubi shook his head, and to my astonishment a single tear traced a damp path down his cheek.
“I can’t lose you,” he choked. He paused for a moment to regain his composure, but his desperate need to keep me safe fueled his fear and anxiety.
“I’m half kami. I can’t be killed with normal weapons.”
“We have no proof that you are immune to weapons of this world. There are some who are half kami who must ascend before their bodies remain impervious to man-made weapons. Either way, we will be dealing with some of the demon god’s assassins when we enter the palace, and their weapons can most certainly kill you. I can’t risk it. I can’t…”
His breathing became erratic as his body responded to the idea that I had already been lost. Thousands of years’ worth of yearning for something that could never be, losing Edana and then finally allowing himself to love me only to face the possibility of losing me in battle had taken him over the edge.
“Breathe, Musubi.” I bore the brunt of his weight as his body began to shake. Lowering him to the ground, I sat facing him and pulled his head just under my chin where he could listen to my heartbeat and my steady breaths. I pulled the fear, the panic, and the anxiety from him and made it my own, though the emotions he battled against were almost more than I could bear and still keep my own breathing steady. He assumed that though he had found what he wanted most, it was still somehow doomed to failure. I didn’t officially belong to him, and I wasn’t a full kami. He had considered all of the possible variables that might keep him from me when those soldiers attacked us.
His breathing regulated and the peace I sent to him slowly lowered his heart rate. We sat there for several minutes as I held him close to me, running my fingers through his soft hair and whispering words of comfort and promise, trying to convince him that he would never lose me. I would never allow that to happen.
His body finally began to relax into my embrace. I tilted his chin toward my face and planted soft kisses on his forehead, nose, and jawline before kissing him full on the lips and sealing all of my promises with my kisses. He responded in kind, pulling me onto his lap and kissing me as if he might never get the chance to do so again.
I thought about the danger I presented if Musubi was constantly worried about my welfare within the palace. He wasn’t invincible in there. Restored kami with weapons from the underworld would kill him just as surely as a man-made arrow would kill Kenji. If he were to panic at the slightest hint of danger to my person it would incapacitate him and prevent him from rescuing his friends and defending himself, Akane, and the other rebels in the process.<
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I wanted to take part in this coup, but not at the expense of Musubi’s safety, his peace of mind. My fighting skills would be a help, but my presence more of a hindrance for him. I wouldn’t risk his life, no matter how much I longed to be within the palace defending him.
I broke from his kisses and met his curious gaze with a tender smile. “I’ll stay behind.”
“What?”
“I’ll stay behind while you and the others enter the palace. I can transfer my memories of the interior of the palace and the location of the dungeons to you and Akane so that you won’t need me there. I’ll stay and wait for you.”
“Mikomi, I can rarely get you to back down when danger is involved. Why would you adhere to my panic driven request?” He gave a self-deprecating smile, feeling slightly embarrassed by his earlier loss of emotional control.
“I want you safe, and I want you focused. You will be more centered if you know with a surety that I am far away from the danger.” I ruffled my fingers through his hair. “I’’ll stay behind and wait with Saigo.”
He grunted in amusement. “Your brother will be difficult to convince. He is desperate to prove himself in battle.”
“He is also desperate to keep me safe. He will stay behind, if you task him with my welfare.”
Musubi let out a relieved sigh and touched his forehead to mine. “Thank you.” He gave me another sweet kiss. “We attack tomorrow night. Let’’s go inform Akane of our change in plans. We need to deal with this guard you knocked unconscious and warn the others that sentries have already managed to find our encampment. We’ll need to up the watch tonight in case more sentries discover our location.”
I swallowed the unease forming within my stomach. Though I had agreed to stay behind, I worried about Musubi’s welfare. I hoped my decision to stay behind didn’t adversely affect the outcome of this rescue mission.
He stood and pulled me with him, embracing me one more time and softly kissing my lips before heading us in the direction of Akane’s tent.