by C. J. Anaya
I cringed at this. “The gods require the death of someone in order for these souls to be reborn?”
“Not something as final as death in most instances, but blood is part of the ritual.”
“Now it’s a ritual?” Saigo squeaked.
“Do not worry, young Saigo. Every soul such as these will have their own procedure prescribed by The Grass Cutter Sword. This ensures that these particular souls are not born too early, to the wrong families, or born too late with no hope of making things right.”
Make it right.
That statement seemed to reverberate through my being. More than one person had said this, including myself. But why? What was I supposed to make right?
“And what of those immortal souls who are never quite satisfied with their lot in life—who give up on fulfilling the measure of their creation?” Musubi asked.
“I assume you’re referring to Amatsu,” Kenji said.
I didn’t believe for one second that Musubi’s reference involved the demon god. His own actions seemed to suggest that he had abandoned his purpose long ago and replaced it with a vengeful one.
“Amatsu can never have the opportunity to make things right, for he is now a part of a greater balance. The balance between good and evil. Though many fall victim to his enticements, there are other souls who rise above such challenges and grow stronger as a result. I’m not advocating evil behavior, but in a way, Amatsu is serving a purpose by sifting the bad at heart from the good. No one on this Earth is born evil, cruel or mean-spirited. Our circumstances and choices mold the character within our hearts.”
“And what if a kami’s heart is filled with evil?” Musubi challenged.
Kenji studied him intently for a moment. “Then I sincerely hope that kami discovers the key to melting away the darkness. A darkened heart is a weighty burden to bear.”
The silence remained for a few moments longer and then Akane suggested we retire to our tents for the night. We had a long march ahead of us the following morning.
Musubi took my hand and brought me to my feet. We said our good nights, and I tried to ignore the suggestive looks from Saigo and Akane as I followed Musubi to our tent. The previous night we had slept with our backs to each other while Musubi did his best to block me out of his heart and his head. It had been a cold, sleepless night for myself, but I hadn’t dared speak with him again after pushing him away with our previous conversation. I feared tonight would be no different.
As I took my side of the cot and brought the blanket to rest just under my chin, I thought back to the questions he posed to Kenji and couldn’t help but pose questions of my own.
“Do you fear your heart is too blackened to be of any use? Do you no longer serve your purpose as a kami?” I turned over on my side to face him as he took his boots off and eased onto the cot. I continued after he remained silent, ““You’ve never once informed me what exactly you are a god of.”
He grimaced and pulled the rough blanket over himself, turning his back on me and settling in for the night. Now I was receiving the silent treatment. His behavior was so childish. I ripped the blanket off and used my hands as leverage to lean my frame over his body.
“You are not allowed to ignore my questions or my attempts at conversation simply because you tend to be rather unsocial and taciturn. You either answer me or you will be spending the rest of the evening fending off my unwelcome kisses.”
His eyes widened, and amusement lifted his lips.
“Is that supposed to scare me, little healer?”
“Based on your previous reactions to any physical intimacy between us, I should think it a valid threat.”
He quickly rolled over and pushed my back against the cot, holding my arms above my head while he pinned me under the weight of his body.
“Funny. I’m not exactly feeling threatened.”
I gritted my teeth, but maintained eye contact. “Are you going to answer my questions or not?”
For a moment his playfulness dimmed, and I almost wished I hadn’t insisted on an answer.
“My purpose in this life is to bring souls together. To tie and bind hearts to one another as securely as the stars are bound to the heavens.”
I nearly choked at this revelation, and immediately felt foolish for not coming to the conclusion on my own. “You are the god of love and marriage?”
“Indeed.”
I considered how ironic it was to be in love with the kami meant to perform my union with Katsu. The god of love and marriage was my soul mate. How awful it might have been to actually go through with the union only to discover Musubi’s identity in the process and experience the pain of losing him as he gave me to another. The thought became so horrific that my chest seized and I nearly lost control of my breathing.
“Mikomi, am I hurting you?” He made to move from me, but I vehemently shook my head.
“No. You’re not hurting me. I was merely surprised by this. You spend so much time with the rebels, I assume you gave up your purpose long ago?”
His guilt gnawed at him.
“I didn’t give it up. I just find little joy in the same monotonous task. I see very little point in joining others together when humans are more than capable of accomplishing that themselves. They’re even more adept at destroying love altogether. I tired of it long ago.”
“Because of Edana?”
He pushed away from me and straightened himself to a sitting position. “Because I no longer saw a point to it.”
“Yet you still fulfill your purpose?”
“When time permits, yes.”
I waited, hoping he might share more of himself with me, but the silence stretched on, and I became discouraged. Perhaps he needed a little more encouragement.
“I suppose it would be difficult to witness so many happy unions, but never experience that for yourself.”
His sharp eyes snapped to mine. “Are you attempting to analyze my emotions and draw me out with your probing questions?”
I sat up and leaned in closer so my lips were mere inches from his.
“I’m trying to understand my fake husband.”
“There’s nothing to understand.”
“Your life sounds lonely.”
“It has been.”
“Until you met your one true love, Edana.”
“Yes. My loneliness was briefly alleviated.”
“And then she died.”
Musubi gritted his teeth. “Why are you asking about Edana again?”
I shrugged, feeling anxious and hopeful while fearing rejection at any moment. “I’m trying to see things in the order they happened. Edana is gone, you’re still here, and you’’re still unwed. Don’t you yearn for someone to share your life with?”
Musubi warred within himself for the correct response and then turned his back to me, letting out a frustrated grunt as he did so.
“Even if I wanted to find someone to share my life with, it would take years of searching to find an individual who met the right criteria.”
“Criteria? So now you have a check list,” I teased.
He shook his head, letting out a rueful laugh.
“There is only one kami who has been given the promise of love with a woman he can have by his side forever. Masaru Katsu,” he nearly ground out the name, “will never know what it is like to endure the endless monotony of immortality with nothing but duty as his eternal companion.”
“Why won’t you give us a chance? Why won’t you at least try?”
He turned to me and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ll never again allow myself to fall for someone I can’t have. The consequences are too painful to consider, and there are still those who must pay for previous wrongs committed.” He swallowed hard and hardened himself to the feelings my questions evoked.
“It’s a bit warm in here, Mikomi. I think I’ll go sleep outside under the stars tonight.”
I stared at the empty space on the cot after his departure. The materia
l was still warm from his body heat, but I felt chilled to the bone by his persistent resistance to what was so obviously right between us. I wondered if his fear and his thirst for what he perceived as justice would forever blind him to what was right in front of him. If he was the god of love and marriage, why couldn’t he see that we were meant for one another?
* * *
Day two of our journey was about as long and arduous as the first day had been, but it was less enjoyable due to Musubi’s conspicuous absence. He never once came to check on me throughout the day. I mentally berated myself for my bold behavior. I had certainly pushed him too far the previous night.
After we made camp about two miles from the edge of the forest, I headed toward the smell of cooked fish.
A warm hand lightly grasped my shoulder. I recognized the tingling sensation I felt whenever Musubi was near.
“Mikomi, Akane feels that I have been remiss in my duties as your teacher and wishes me to work with you on your technique before dinner.”
My stomach grumbled an angry protest, but I ignored it, unwilling to turn down an opportunity to spend time with my husband.
Fake husband.
No doubt, Akane had noticed Musubi distancing himself from me and sought to rectify the situation. Clever move on her part.
“Of course. I’ll retrieve my practice sword and—”
“No need. I have everything we need over in that small clearing.” He pointed to an area several yards behind the camp and moved toward it without checking to see if I followed. His feigned indifference annoyed me.
My patience with him was wearing thin.
* * *
“Again,” Musubi shouted.
This session had been a delicate balancing act between increasing my abilities without revealing too much of what I was already capable of. He had started with basic sword thrusts and parries, but had advanced far beyond that as I showed quick ability to remember the varying hand positions upon my sword and the footwork with every maneuver. Though I felt I had done my best to unearth my skill at a slower pace, Musubi looked to be increasingly frustrated with each new piece of technique I mastered.
“Gyaku-dou,” he barked out.
Recognizing the specific sword attack, I stepped back on my left foot as I brought my sword forward and moved my left hand higher upon the hilt. I then brought it closer toward my abdomen, striking Musubi’s sword as he blocked my attack and called out an attack of his own, which I quickly moved to meet.
His shouted attacks and defenses came closer together, and I forgot to contain myself as I fell into the rhythm of our natural sparring.
After several minutes of this Musubi suddenly threw his sword down and batted my own to the side as he reached my shoulders and shook me none too gently.
“What the hell is going on, Mikomi? You did not have such skill during our last training session.”
I stared at him open-mouthed for a moment, sucking in some much needed air. “Is it so difficult to admit that I am an exceptional student and you are an exceptional teacher?”
“I would be more than happy to accept such praises and accolades if it were true, but I cannot take credit for skills I have never taught you.”
My heart leapt to my throat. “Wh-what?”
He leveled me with a searing gaze while drawing me closer to his chest. “You were able to meet me step for step, defense, attack, back and forth as if you didn’t need to think about the orders I gave or the directives I shouted. I decided to see what would happen if I called out some techniques I never before taught you, and you performed them immediately and with flawless precision. What is going on, Mikomi? The truth this time.”
Well, I had certainly spoiled everything. I let out a heavy sigh, nearly feeling giddy with relief that I might unburden myself of at least a few secrets. I couldn’t reveal my identity, not after the promise I had made to Akane, but if I omitted a few truths then I believed I might, in good conscious, answer Musubi’s questions without going against Akane’s wishes.
“As an...empath I have many special talents and abilities. I cannot only read one’s mood but also one’s mind.”
He looked absolutely horrified with my revelation.
“You know exactly what I am thinking?”
I nearly allowed myself an inappropriate chuckle at his obvious panic. No doubt he wondered if thoughts concerning his true feelings for me had been easy to discern.
“No, nothing like that. I am capable of extracting one’s memories. This can be very…er…helpful in ascertaining how certain illnesses are contracted in order to diagnose and cure.” I thought my lie left my lips a little too effortlessly. “Akane and I agreed that it might be better if I learned the art of the sword at a more rapid pace, and she allowed me to share her memories of her trainings with you. I have all of the information now stored within my own memories as if I had been there and trained with you myself. I simply need to practice this newfound knowledge in order to commit it to my own muscle memory. Either way, it appears that our experiment worked, and I am not nearly as helpless as I was before.”
Musubi blinked after I ended my long narrative, but remained silent.
The longer he refused to comment, the more my nervousness grew. “Musubi, tell me what you are thinking, please.”
“I am thinking that it is impossible for a human to be blessed with such rare abilities. Are you quite certain of your parentage? You were in no way adopted or...you didn’t simply arrive at your parents’ doorstep one day?”
I wondered if he thought I might have kami blood in me. An idea that hit far too close to home, but it was better for him to question my parentage than my identity, so I sought to encourage this misconception.
“My mother died long ago, but perhaps her side of the family might have a few interesting secrets never before revealed. As to my father’s status, I couldn’t say.””
More lies. I was becoming a veteran in the art of deception. A sick feeling gnawed its way through my stomach.
“I have suspected for some time that there was something extraordinary concerning your heritage. No human could have the kind of power you hold unless a part of you, or all of you, isn’t human.”
“Well, I suppose I could be some sort of mystical creature, inhabiting a human form,” I teased.
My lighthearted comment seemed to hold no sway over his pensive musings.
“I think it’s very likely that you are part kami, Mikomi, and I would like to put this theory to the test.” He seemed almost excited with the prospect.
A surge of panic overwhelmed my senses. Perhaps encouraging this line of thinking had been a mistake. I had no idea if there was a way he could test that particular theory, but felt that any testing he designed might very well lay bare every secret Akane and I harbored.
“That can’t be possible. I thought kami were not able to reproduce.”
“Male kami are perfectly capable of reproducing with humans. It is the female kami who refuse to do so in order to avoid losing their immortality. If your father is a kami, he might have married a human and kept you after she passed. Though it seems improbable considering a kami’s duty is to his role in the universe and not the children he has sired.”
“Or perhaps, I am simply a gifted human, and you are reading far too much into this.”
He gave me a determined look and then wrapped his arms around me. “I am going to do something I have never had the desire…nay…the courage to do with you.””
“What is that?”
“As a kami I have special abilities just as other kami have. I do not wish to tell you what they are at the moment because I have no idea if my suspicions will be confirmed or denied at this point, but I would ask that you allow me to hold you for a moment while I use my ki to communicate with yours.”
My eye widened, but I couldn’t very well argue the point lest he become suspicious. “All right.” My voice sounded shaky even to my own ears.
I immediately felt a stran
ge warmth begin from the tips of my toes and travel the full length of me, centering upon my heart and holding there for several moments. It felt like a strange type of scan upon my person, nothing that I had ever before encountered with anyone. It was different than the way our ki had connected when he had kissed me. That connection had promised a joining of two souls, a healing and rebirth of something foreordained by the gods, but this was more like a quick and impartial look at my own ki, as if examining its substance and chemistry.
He finally pulled away from me, his expression completely indiscernible, but his emotions of elation, suppressed hope, and righteous anger made it completely impossible for me to understand what in the world had just happened. What exactly did Musubi discover?
“Are you going to explain to me what that was about?” I asked.
“You and Akane have kept your secrets, dear Mikomi, but it looks as if I have discovered something that our leader most likely already knew.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. “Come. There is much to discuss with that closed-mouthed street rat.”
My hand warmed within his, and I allowed him to pull me along despite my anxiety in regards to his epiphany.
“You don’t plan on calling Akane a street rat to her face, do you?”
“Why? Are you frightened of her reaction?”
“Of course,” I immediately responded. “I’m no fool. Besides, I’’m terribly fond of you, and have no wish to see you die.”
Musubi’s rueful look took on new meaning in light of what he had most likely discovered. “You may not be a fool, my dear, but it would appear that I am. Akane has much to answer for.”