His Winter Heart: Gay Romance

by Trina Solet

  "It's scary as hell," Colin informed him.

  "Compared to those movies you like to watch?"

  "Way worse."

  "I believe you," Wes told him with a small smile. To Colin, it looked like Wes knew what he was talking about. Maybe they were scared of the same thing.

  Later that night Colin was up for a piss. He kept his eyes half closed so he wouldn't wake up all the way. Coming back from the bathroom, he saw a sight that had him opening his eyes wide. Wes's bedroom door was ajar. Wes was changing for bed while at the same time looking at something on a tablet sitting on his bed. His back was turned as he slowly got into a t-shirt and sweats. Muscles rippled across his back as he pulled on the t-shirt. It hung loosely from his impossibly broad shoulders, but Colin could still see his powerfully built body underneath. As Wes got into his sweats, Colin could see that his thighs were thick with muscles. His ass was firm. Every inch of him was exercised into the shape of Colin's dreams. Colin gritted his teeth. Catching this forbidden sight showed him everything he was being denied.

  Feeling guilty, Colin stepped away from there before Wes noticed him. Sneaking a look had been its own punishment. That stolen glimpse at Wes's body was already driving him crazy. It wasn't fair. He was so close. Why was Wes so stubborn?

  Back in his room, Colin closed the door and leaned heavily against it. He squeezed himself through his clothes. Already hard, he stiffened even more under the pressure of his hand. Hurriedly, Colin pushed his sweatpants and his boxers to his knees. He willed himself not to grip too hard, not to stroke too fast. He raked his other hand down his thigh and dug in his fingers hard. Make it last, make it count, he told himself as he replayed what he had seen. Wes's body was a wall of muscle that he wanted to climb. He wanted to ride him, suck him, love him until he couldn't breathe. With his fist moving fast, Colin mouthed his name like he was calling to him. He willed his passion to reach Wes and break down everything that stood between them.

  *

  With Colin going in to work earlier these days, mornings seemed even more precious to Wes. That's when Colin would attempt to feed him. Colin had done a decent job with scrambled eggs for a while now. That morning when he got up, Wes found Colin at the stove. Two eggs were already out of the pan and on a plate.

  "You started breakfast already?"

  "I'm perfecting the over easy. It's living up to its name. I'm doing OK so far." Colin pointed to the plate with two eggs, and Wes set the plate in front of his usual chair.

  "Not those. They're already cold. I'll have those two. I'm making you fresh ones. But the coffee is ready."

  "You can have the fresh ones. I'll have these," Wes told him as he sat down with a cup of black coffee.

  "No way! I have dibs on those." Colin snatched the plate away from him.

  "The eggs are good," Wes told him once they both sat down to eat. "But I feel bad that you're eating cold ones."

  "I had to make sure I could get them right. Just you wait, I'm going to be an egg expert, an eggspert."

  "It's too early for puns. But these are really good eggs. Thank you."

  While he was helping Colin do the dishes, Wes told him, "I appreciate you perfecting eggs for me, but I don't want you eating cold eggs for my sake."

  Colin just shrugged it off. "Like it's some big sacrifice. It's not like I served you up one of my own kidneys."

  Wes cringed at the image. It reminded him of those terrible horror movies Colin liked to watch.

  Wes was surprised that Colin wanted to keep living with him even when he had other choices. He expected that living with him would wear on Colin after the first few days when he was just glad to have a place to live. It must have been Colin's irrepressible nature.

  In the beginning, Wes couldn't imagine how Colin would fit into his dull, carefully ordered life, but somehow he did. It was almost as if all this time Wes had moved through his life in such a way as to leave a space for Colin, for when he finally arrived to fill it. Now that he was there, he shook things up, Wes himself more than anything.

  Wes was deeply unsettled by his presence. All his painful, hopeless longings finally had a shape and a name. Colin had stepped into his life to be the embodiment of everything Wes could never have. It was as if Wes had sought out Colin and invited him home just so he could torture himself.

  *

  On his day off, Colin went to have lunch with Tyson and Lau. The streets were pure slush. Car roofs were fuzzy with snow. It wasn't snowing now. Colin looked up to see what the sky was up to. The clouds looked smudged every which way. Some crazy, high winds had pulled them in every direction.

  Taking the long walk to see Tyson and Lau reminded Colin of the bad old days. Having to walk the streets and waste time before he had a place to live did have a few advantages. Colin got to know the town pretty well. There were all sorts of interesting places hidden away. He also got to meet Tyson and Lau. He caught them getting hot and heavy against one of the columns under Fareborough Bridge. Dizzy and walleyed from hunger and lack of sleep, he had stared at them like they were a mirage or free porn. Watching two cute, skinny guys going at it, all hands and lips and tongues, Colin just grinned at them stupidly.

  In his loopy state of mind, he was a shameless voyeur. Even when they noticed him, he didn't retreat. It didn't take them long to figure out that he wasn't in great shape. They bought him a burger, and Tyson let him sleep in the back of his Mom's car. Neither one could offer him much help though. Tyson lived in a dorm, and Lau had a houseful of relatives driving him crazy.

  They felt bad that they couldn't do more for him, but Colin was happy just to have met them. Tyson had told him that he worked at Keystone Books, and Colin made sure to drop by on his aimless walks. Every time he did, Tyson tried to give him food or money or both. Colin had to refuse the money. He didn't want Tyson to think he stopped by for that. It was the same way with Lau. Colin appreciated the help, but he wanted them as friends.

  Now that he had more money and a place to live, Colin could relax around them a little bit. They still treated him like he was their stupid, little brother. Like Colin didn't get enough of that crap from Tim. Lau and Tyson were in college and a little older than Colin so they thought they knew everything.

  To try and establish himself as an equal, Colin insisted on treating Lau to lunch. When they were done, they ordered a salad with no dressing to take to Tyson so he could stay skinny as a whip. Timing was everything when they visited Tyson at the bookstore where he worked. Around 1:00 was when the manager of Keystone Books was out to lunch, and they could hang out with Tyson for a while.

  Tyson ate his salad while Colin told them how things were not going anywhere with Wes.

  "If he can tolerate your motormouth, you're in," Lau told him offhandedly.

  "I'm not a motormouth. I'm a witty guy!" Colin insisted.

  "If you want him to take you more seriously, maybe you should act more mature," Tyson suggested then took another forkful of his salad.

  "What do you mean more mature?" Colin asked.

  "Not like yourself," Tyson told him.

  "No way. This party is come as you are." Colin had already decided not to put on an act for Wes.

  "You're not as charming as you think you are," Lau informed him. "You should be a lot more insecure about yourself. Lose some self-confidence, and you might land yourself that guy."

  "Did I come in here wearing a kick me sign?" Colin wondered. He felt up his back to make sure.

  "You were born with it," Lau told him.

  "Seriously, man, try to be cool. Look at me as an example. When in doubt, ask yourself, 'What would Tyson do?'"

  "Tyson would act all smug and superior and like a total bitch," Colin told him.

  "See what I'm talking about," Tyson said to Lau, who shook his head like Colin was a hopeless case.

  Stupid college boys.

  As soon as he got home, Colin barged into Wes's office.

  "Am I a motormouth?" he asked in an angry tone, startlin
g Wes.

  "No?"

  "Was that a question or an answer?"

  Wes smiled. "You are exactly as talkative as you should be," Wes told him.

  "What does that mean?"

  "It was too quiet here before. You bring life and noise."

  "I'm not noise," Colin objected.

  "When you're gone, it reminds me of the bad old days. That's when I play back something stupid you said. I hear your voice in my head, and it makes me smile."

  "You could just turn on the TV," Colin said both annoyed and happy. He couldn't get enough of hearing that Wes liked having him around.

  *

  Wes had grown up too quietly except for those times when his mother would show up to shout incoherently. Living with his grandparents had been like living in another time. In his grandparents' apartment, there was one small TV and no cable. He was more likely to hear the clock chime than any other sound. It was a quiet house where voices were never raised.

  His grandparents had murmured conversations sometimes about Wes, sometimes about his mother. They didn't like to mention her to Wes, as if she was better forgotten even before she was dead. The few times Wes had seen her, she didn't seem to recognize him.

  His mother died from a fall down a staircase. Everyone was surprised that it wasn't an overdose or suicide but an accident that took her. Wes felt the loss sharply though he couldn't say exactly what he had lost.

  His grandmother was particularly hard hit. She stared at the pictures of his mother as a little girl – her little girl. His grandfather's face was like weathered granite. It was hard to tell what he felt, but more and more he let a book or the newspaper sit on his lap while he stared blankly at nothing. Wes was sure that they both grieved for the girl taken away from them by schizophrenia more than the one taken away from them by a fall down a staircase. He remembered their haggard looks as they said, "She's at peace now." Wes questioned the meaning behind those words, if they meant that she was better off.

  While Wes was lost in thought, Colin had been gazing at him. There was no scrutiny in his eyes. They shone with a mellow happiness. It was a look Wes had seen in his eyes more and more, a look that made his eyes impossibly beautiful.

  Wes told himself to look away. By now he had lost count of how many times he had to tell himself to look away from some enticing, mesmerizing part of Colin. It was the impulse that followed looking that he feared. He could feel Colin reaching out, undoing his self control like he was slowly working his buttons out if their buttonholes and sliding down his zipper.

  Colin was at his most seductive when he wasn't trying. That's when he was most purely himself, and his beauty poured out radiant and untouched. Wes noticed that, at that moment, the silence between them was frighteningly intimate. Wes wanted to thank Colin for always talking so much and distracting him from how beautiful he was.

  Chapter 7

  The day had been cold but bright and clear. Now it was only evening, and it already looked like night had fallen. Colin had been in and out since morning, seeing his friends then coming in to complain to Wes about them. Since Colin had a day off and no plans, Wes was ready to take him out to dinner. He looked forward to it, but Colin had his own agenda.

  "I'm taking the lead on this one," he said and insisted that they go out somewhere new. "I almost have a real job now so I'm taking you out."

  To his surprise, Wes immediately said, "OK."

  Wes's cooperation caught Colin off balance.

  "I was ready to battle to the death. You took all the air out of me," Colin complained as they got their jackets on.

  "Sorry."

  "No, it's good. I'll save it for next time."

  Frost framed the windows. Fat, feathery snowflakes floated down lazily then caught on their clothes and hair. It was one of those cheerful winter nights when people brave the sharp bite of the cold wind and go out. Wes knew many of them must be Christmas shoppers. He hadn't been one of them since he was a boy. Now he looked over at Colin and wondered what he should buy him.

  From the streets lined with brightly decorated stores, they walked for blocks with Wes having no idea where they were going. He was curious to find out where Colin would take him. That was part of the reason why he agreed. Now he found himself wondering if that was such a good idea.

  "Where are we going?" Wes asked since they had turned into a street with several bars of the garish and noisy variety.

  "Somewhere new," Colin said. "And remember tonight is on me."

  Of all the awful places they might have gone, Colin stopped in front of a karaoke place called Okay Karaoke. Wes had some small hope that this was only a joke, and that once he had Wes going, Colin would move on to their real destination. No such luck. Colin shook the snow out of his hair as he led the way inside. They took a seat at one of the small tables off to one side. The place was mostly full. A young guy and a girl were already up on stage. The girl knew all the words while the guy did his best to keep up by reading the words off the screen a beat too late. Wes pictured being dragged up there to do a duet with Colin. It was not a pretty picture.

  "You know nothing can induce me to go up there," Wes told Colin.

  "What if I was up there naked?"

  Wes just gave him a look.

  "Just relax and enjoy the bad singing," Colin told him as he got the attention of a waiter.

  The place didn't serve real food, only various appetizers and drinks, mostly drinks. Wes refused to order anything alcoholic. He could hold his liquor. He had more than proven that in college. But with a microphone and Colin within easy reach, tonight Wes wasn't taking any chances.

  "I was hoping to sneak sips from your glass," Colin complained seeing that there would be no real drinks at their table.

  "Then it's a good thing I ordered mineral water," Wes told him.

  "Is that your way of keeping me off the stage?" Colin asked. "Nothing can keep me from going up there."

  "I wouldn't dream of it," Wes assured him.

  Colin wasn't bluffing. He went up to the stage eagerly. He picked a song called "The Story". Wes didn't know it, but that would be true of almost any song anyone might name. He didn't really make music part of his life. On the other hand, Colin was often singing along to whatever was blaring through his headphones.

  Wes couldn't deny that the song touched him. It combined the truth that each of them had to speak to the other. More than the words, it was the way Colin sang. Colin closed his eyes while he sang the words he knew by heart. Typical Colin, he didn't hold back. He sang like he was ripping the words out of his body and flinging them into the air to fly to Wes. He wanted to reach Wes's heart with his voice. That isn't to say that his singing was any good.

  "How was it?" Colin asked after it was over and he dropped into his chair, a little breathless.

  "That was passionate," was the best Wes could manage.

  "Passionate?" Colin said like he knew he was being insulted. "You mean loud."

  "Very."

  "Did I embarrass you?" Colin challenged him.

  "Not at all."

  "I was singing to you, you know," Colin said, looking worried that Wes hadn't noticed that.

  "It was nice," Wes said. Wes couldn't take his eyes off him even for one second while he was singing. Naked emotion looked so good on him.

  All next day, Colin's awful singing filled the apartment until he went to work. Even after he was gone, Wes's ears were ringing with the sound. It was truly terrible, but it only made Wes smile.

  It was odd that living with Colin wasn't more difficult for him. So far, resisting Colin was the biggest challenge of their arrangement, not all the little things that should have been bothering him. The last time Wes had lived with anyone was in college. After living with his grandparents, it was an adventure and a big adjustment. But bigger changes were to follow. His grandparents were still alive when Wes started college. By the time he graduated, he had lost both of them within a year of each other.

  At graduation,
his college life came to an end along with all the tenuous connections he made. With the death of his grandparents and the cutting of his college ties, Wes was more alone than ever. But there was one connection he made in college that stayed strong. Pete, his roommate for four years, never let Wes feel completely alone. A tenacious, beer guzzling, oaf with no social boundaries, Pete stayed in touch even after he moved away. Until Colin came into his life, Pete was Wes's strongest link to the human race. They only talked on the phone most of the time, but Wes could count on at least one phone call a week. More if Pete was fired up about something or needed to vent.

  Pete was pretty cheerful today and just wanted to touch base. While he was on the phone with Pete, Wes felt duty bound to tell him he had gone to a karaoke bar. That was the kind of thing Pete liked to hear, but usually Wes could only share news about his work. Just as he was telling him about Colin, Wes could hear him coming into the apartment noisily, yelling, "Hi, honey, I'm home!"

  "How's it going with your guy?" Pete asked.

  "It's like living with a rambunctious puppy," Wes told him.

  "Is that bad?"

  "It has its moments." Wes smiled to himself.

  "Always wants to hump your leg, wants you to pet him, play with him?"

  "That's uncannily accurate," Wes admitted.

  "I wouldn't mind one of those, but a girl," Pete told him.

  "Get yourself a dog. They're less trouble," Wes advised him.

  "Either way I would want to pet them and play with them all the time, and I wouldn't get any work done," Pete said.

  After that they talked about work for a while. At the end Wes said, "Good luck with everything, Pete. I hope I'll get to see you soon." He hung up and saw Colin eyeing him from the doorway of his office.

  "Who's Pete and can I take him in a fight?" Colin asked. There was a stern look on his face, and his arms were folded over his chest.