His Winter Heart: Gay Romance

by Trina Solet

  "Ouch!" Colin doubled over, pretending to be mortally wounded. "I'm gonna go stroke one off, you think about that," he said, but he didn't move. "It should be you making me come, you withholding son of a bitch."

  "If you want to prove you can handle what you're asking for, you might want to stop whining like a child and let me work," Wes snapped at him and turned away to stare blankly at his computer screen. He needed Colin to leave so he could get himself under control.

  "Fuck you, Wes," Colin said, but a few seconds later Wes felt Colin hugging him. He had put his arms around Wes from behind and pressed his face against Wes's head. There was no demand in his embrace, only tenderness.

  "What's this about?" Wes asked. He looked up at Colin as he let go.

  Colin's eyes were gleaming, almost tearful, as he said, "You're a good guy."

  "I'm not," Wes told him.

  Colin shook his head. "Here I am attacking you, bugging you while you work, yelling and cursing at you, and not worrying for one minute that you'll throw my sorry ass out on the street. I should be scared out of my wits, but I'm not. That's how good a guy you are."

  "Gratitude makes me uncomfortable," Wes said as he squirmed under that soft-eyed gaze.

  "Sorry. I'll turn back into an ungrateful bitch any minute now."

  "Good. Now get out of here and let me work," Wes told him, trying for a stern tone but missing the mark and smiling too. How could he resist him when he was being so crazy one minute and so sweet the next? Watching Colin leave, giving Wes one last, longing look, he wanted him more than ever.

  Well, that was a complete failure. Wes couldn't help but notice that the harder he tried to push him away, the harder Colin pushed back. Defeat wasn't in his nature. Despite not making any headway, Wes was glad that they had sort of made up. He wanted Colin to understand that it was for the best but not to feel alienated or alone. Wes knew all too well how that felt.

  To ease his mind, Wes went to the living room. Colin was there watching The Human Centipede, and by the sound of the comments he made to the screen, not for the first time. Wes never had the stomach for horror movies. To him they were an echo of the dormant insanity inside him. When he had watched them in college, mostly with Pete and his other friends, he always felt that they pricked at the lunatic genes he carried. Being more mature, he wasn't going to force himself to watch them for Colin's sake.

  Because of what happened earlier, Wes wanted to sit with him. He didn't feel they made up fully until they spent some time together. While listening for the movie to end, Wes went and made them a late night snack.

  When he heard Colin changing channels frantically, he knew the movie was over, and it was safe for him to go to the living room.

  "Are you busy?" Wes asked as he set down two sandwiches. That made it clear that he wanted to join him.

  Colin smiled up at him. "I'm doing two of my favorite things – texting and flipping channels. My number one favorite thing is bothering you."

  "I'm sorry I snapped at you," Wes said and sat down on the couch with him.

  "No worries. I was out of line. I shouldn't have pushed you or tested you or whatever. I don't need to prove anything. I already know you can't resist me," Colin claimed then he took a big bite of his sandwich.

  "I've been resisting you for weeks," Wes pointed out.

  Colin had to finish chewing then he said, "I haven't made a serious move yet. Don't you underestimate me." Colin put on a challenging look and asked, "If I'm not irresistible, then why am I here?"

  "I get lonely," Wes stated simply.

  "I get lonely too, you know." Colin leaned in a little to make it clear he meant a different kind of loneliness.

  "And I'm supposed to help you with that?" Wes guessed.

  "You've done so much for me already. You feed me, give me a place to stay, but I have other needs. I'm horny all the time, and it's your fault."

  "Oh?"

  "You're walking around here, hiding that body in those baggy clothes. I just want to tear you open like a Christmas gift." Seeing his look, Colin said, "I mean open you gently like a precious and fragile, crystal figurine or something."

  "Just stay on your side of the couch," Wes told him.

  "You can't fool me. That testiness earlier tells me that you're about to crack. You're at you sexual breaking point. You won't be able to resist me for much longer."

  That was more astute of Colin than Wes would have liked.

  "Don't worry, I'm not going to use my youth and energy against you and attack you relentlessly. I'll just wait you out."

  "I'm won over already," Wes said sarcastically. He doubted Colin had the patience for that strategy. But the way Wes's defenses were crumbling, he might not need it.

  Chapter 11

  For a while, Colin made no further forays but continued his siege. He pretended to act casual, but with every one of his looks he was staking a claim. He was reminding Wes that he belonged to him. Even when Colin did nothing to try and win him over, his grip on Wes was always getting stronger. There was something disarming about Colin's constancy. Wes found it impossible not to believe in him.

  That night Colin came in with more energy than usual.

  "Going clubbing! Lau and Tyson are taking me. I know you don't want me out there grinding against strangers so you better come along," Colin told him. He looked at Wes eagerly, as if he thought he might actually go.

  It took a while for Colin to believe that Wes couldn't be guilted, begged or threatened into going to a club. He left disappointed as Wes wished him a good time.

  It was a lie of course. Wes was afraid of what might happen when Colin found himself among other young, sweating, male bodies. In Wes's mind, any one of those men was a better choice than he was. But that didn't keep him from wanting to shout for them to keep their fucking hands off. He didn't want another man to so much as brush up against Colin. The thought that Colin might do a lot more than dance too close to other men twisted him up inside. He tried to remind himself futilely that Colin had every right to do as he liked. Wes had rejected him and given him that right. It didn't work. Waiting for Colin to come home was pure torture.

  Colin came back from clubbing sweaty and still frenetic, like he had absorbed the atmosphere of the club and brought it home with him. He shrugged out of his jacket and missed the hook when he tried to hang it up. His jacket lay crumpled on the floor. Colin ignored it and came toward Wes.

  Standing in the living room, Wes was mesmerized by his approach. He stood still even when Colin plastered himself against him. Clinging to Wes, he breathed a warm, boozy breath in his ear. His cheek was cold and clammy, his beard both scratchy and soft against Wes's neck. His body exuded heat and sex. Wes got scared that he had fucked or sucked, but his cock was hard as a rock. As he pressed himself into Wes, Colin's need was so blatant and strong. He hadn't done anything that satisfied him. Colin's eyes burrowed into him like he wanted to screw himself to Wes with that look. Wes was quickly reaching the limit of his self control.

  Colin was so close. Wes couldn't breathe. His lips brushed Wes's cheek then moved to his mouth. Wes turned his head to accept the kiss and lost all sense of himself. Colin's mouth was soft and open against his. His tongue licked Wes's lower lip. Then Colin pulled back and smiled. His eyes were still glued to Wes's mouth. They were both dazed. Slowly Colin's drunk and dreamy eyes moved up to look into Wes's.

  "I compared every guy in there to you, and they all sucked," Colin said.

  "You're not old enough to drink," Wes reminded him pointlessly.

  "I sneaked a few. Want to dance with me, and by that I mean do you want me to sweat all over you and grind against you." Colin was already doing that, making him hard.

  "I want you to go to bed," Wes told him. He barely managed an even tone.

  "Your bed?" Colin said hopefully. He pushed up harder against Wes and breathed shakily. He opened his mouth and rose for another kiss. Wes wanted to deny him, but he allowed their lips to touch and their tongue
s to glide against each other but for only a moment before he pulled away. Colin closed his eyes and let out an ecstatic moan. When he opened his eyes again, they were on fire.

  "I'm such a handful tonight. Want to feel?"

  "I can feel plenty," Wes told him in a thick voice that betrayed his extreme arousal. Colin's cock was prominent, arching into him, swiping against Wes's erection. All of Wes's attention was centered on its hardness, its insistent pressure, but he still somehow managed to maneuver Colin into his own bed.

  "Don't just put me to bed. Sit with me," Colin said as Wes covered him though he was still in his clothes.

  He held Wes's hand so gently that Wes found it impossible to pull away. Wes would have found it easier to calm down away from him, but he didn't want to leave him until he was asleep.

  "OK. Tell me about your night," Wes said as he sat on the edge of his bed, Colin's hand held in both of his.

  "It was fun but lonely," Colin told him with a smile.

  "A nightclub was lonely?"

  "I missed you. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I always wish you were there," Colin said, his voice cracking.

  "I'm sorry I couldn't go. I wish I was there to watch you having fun," Wes admitted.

  "Next time you have to come, and I'll dance for you," Colin said. His eyes closed on those words and he was asleep instantly.

  Wes kept staring at him, and he felt like his heart would burst. He realized he was still holding his hand and he kissed it.

  Wes let go of his hand and left Colin's room reluctantly. As he went to bed, his eyes closed on darkness, and his mind gave itself over to vivid images of Colin. His body replayed the sensation of Colin pressed against him. Images and sensations weren't enough. Wes craved the warmth of his body. Colin was so bright and hot, he burned right through his defenses, waking up his frozen heart. Wes wished that all his fears would just fly away into the night so he could throw himself into being with Colin even if it was for just a little while.

  Wes felt like his whole life had been lived inside some lonely night. Now Colin filled his life, he made the sun shine on him. He was sure that Colin could make him happy, but Wes didn't want to use him just to fill the deep well of emptiness inside him. Colin deserved better. But Wes didn't know if he could protect the one he loved from himself?

  *

  Colin spent the next morning suffering through his well-earned hangover. Sometimes he emitted a low moan. As he sipped black coffee while leaning next to the living room windows, he watched a bird fly by. With its white feathers, it almost disappeared against the clouds. Birds looked so lonely in winter when so many of them had flown far away.

  All in all, Colin felt pretty cheerful considering how miserable his head was. What happened last night and every feeling inside him confirmed that he belonged with Wes. Hours in the company of hot, sweaty guys gyrating to a pounding beat wasn't as good as waking up every day knowing he would see Wes. It was guaranteed happiness.

  Maybe that's what all those crazy married people were after. They wanted to lock down that good feeling. Colin was actually understanding the idea of marriage. What's next, he'd get why people wanted to live in suburbs? He might laugh at himself for it, but the way he felt about Wes, he'd lock him down in a second if he saw the chance.

  And there was Wes, looking at him cautiously like he knew about Colin's long term plans for him. Or maybe he was just afraid of another ruthless come-on. Colin tried to dredge up some remorse for the way he had been acting lately, but none would come.

  "If I did jump you, what would be so bad about it?" Colin asked as Wes kept a safe distance.

  "I'm thinking of your age and my future," Wes told him. "I'm trying to protect you, or maybe both of us."

  "Stop trying to protect either one of us, you control freak. This is meant to be," Colin practically yelled at him. His head told him to keep his voice down. "Sooner or later you are going to succumb to my manly charms. Stop wasting my precious youth, love me and fuck everything else."

  "Love?" Wes said like he couldn't believe Colin would use that word.

  "You know it's what I'm after. That's why you're so afraid of me. I fell insanely in love with you, and you're afraid of catching it. I'm hoping it's too late, and you can't live without me. As soon as I feel better, I'll make you give me that big, gorgeous body of yours. Then I'll take all your love. That should hold me for a while."

  Wes frowned at his plan of attack. "And if I never come to terms with it? If I can't give you what you want?" Wes said with a sad look in his eyes.

  "Stop thinking and deciding and just trust me. I know what's best. Now rub my temples. My head is killing me."

  "Please don't get your heart broken," Wes begged him. He came closer and made Colin sit down.

  "By you? Never," Colin mumbled as Wes did some kind of magic with his fingertips and made all the pain in the world disappear.

  Chapter 12

  Wes hoped that Colin had plans for his day off since he had been so unmanageable lately, but no such luck. While Wes hinted that Colin should go see his friends or a movie, he wouldn't budge unless he could drag Wes with him.

  "Don't you want to take me somewhere, like to bed?" Colin said.

  "How about to lunch?" Wes offered. He figured Colin would be less trouble in a public place. He was wrong about that. Even out of the apartment, Wes was under siege.

  The day was cold with snow that fell now and then but didn't last. Wes spent the whole walk trying to keep Colin from walking arm in arm with him. If he was being truthful with himself, he wished he didn't have to, but Colin already had too many wrong ideas. Wes couldn't let him see how good he made him feel. Colin hardly even noticed that small rejection.

  Wes wasn't sure he had it in him to discourage him hard enough to make an impression. At his age, Colin should lose interest in him pretty soon. Until then, Wes would just keep the pain he caused both of them to a minimum.

  Wes decided on a Spanish restaurant that had tapas on its lunch menu. He figured the variety might keep Colin occupied.

  "Just so you know, this only satisfies one of my appetites," Colin said as he picked out yet another bite of food to taste. "We better go for a long walk after this. I want to work off all these goodies so you won't be able to resist me the next time I throw myself at you." Colin was talking while chewing, but Wes couldn't pretend he didn't understand every word.

  "I have more willpower than you think, and you don't know what you're getting into. You're too young..."

  Colin cut off his lecture. "How old do I need to be to know that I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms?" Colin said. He placed his hand on Wes's forearm. When Wes pulled back from his grip, he pretended not to notice. "I'm going to be nineteen soon, and I see a future where you eat your words while we live happily ever after."

  "I don't see that future," Wes told him bluntly.

  Colin just fumed for a minute. "You're going to make me lose hope in men, and love, and everything that's good in life."

  "For God's sake," Wes said, protesting his guilt trip.

  "You told me I wasn't old enough. That's as good as telling me that when I'm older, this will happen."

  "It wasn't a promise."

  "Yes, it was, and I'm holding you to it." Colin was furious and determined. "I'm willing to wait, but I am not willing to give up. I'm not living my life without you. It's not happening. When I'm nineteen next week..."

  "You'll still be the same person. You won't have any more experience than you do now," Wes pointed out.

  Colin didn't take it well. He pushed away his food and glared. Every second, he was getting angrier with Wes.

  "That's great. That's awesome. Piss away your chance to be happy. Fuck you! Experience? That's what you want? Fine," Colin said and stood up.

  Wes didn't like the sound of that or the look in Colin's eyes. "What are you doing?"

  "None of your business. I know where we stand now. Isn't that what matters?" he said and stormed out of t
he restaurant.

  Wes was delayed by surprise and then by having to pay the bill. By the time he got out onto the sidewalk, he saw no sign of Colin. Without knowing which way he went, Wes randomly searched up and down the street. He couldn't find him. When he called his phone and texted him, there was no answer. Not sure what he had set in motion or how to fix it, Wes went home to wait for him.

  *

  His walk was fueled by blind anger and disappointment, but at every step Colin tried to convince himself that Wes didn't mean it. Colin stopped when he saw that he had reached the edge of the park. He looked up past the first of the bare branches that now made the park a sad place to visit. The sky was a perfectly even covering of gray. It was hard to believe those were really clouds. It looked more like the sky itself had turned gray and might stay that way forever.

  As far as Colin was concerned, that was Wes up there. Like a frozen sky, Wes was pale, perfectly still, and unreachable. Colin punched upwards. Maybe he couldn't crack that sky, but Wes's heart was a different matter. His heart wasn't the sky. It was like those bare trees or like so many other living things in winter. His heart was lying dormant, waiting for warm days, for the sun to shine on it. Then why couldn't Colin bring him back to life? What if he wasn't the one Wes needed? The thought hurt him inside. He couldn't face it.

  He ran through the park, sometimes slipping on ice or tripping over obstacles hidden by snow. When he no longer knew where he was, he stopped. He was deep inside the park where it was shadowy and deserted. As he breathed hard, cold air tasted metallic in his lungs, like breathing icicles and tasting blood. It had started snowing. Colin watched the snowflakes right above as they spiral down to him. He caught them on his tongue. Further on, the wind spun the flakes into a snowy whirlwind. That's when Colin noticed a man with his hands deep in the pockets of his big overcoat. He was hovering, not sure if Colin was someone he should approach. So Colin had come to the right place after all. Right through the trees, he could see the sign for Oasis Lounge. He could have his pick of some of the guys in there if this one didn't work out.