Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  ‘Yes, overlook them,’ he said. ‘Mine are discreet but you? The personal trainer? Really? People are talking.’

  ‘Well if you thought that was bad, Ian,’ she said calmly and deliberately, lining up her heaviest artillery, anticipating the blow, ‘then try this on for size: I’m fucking George Fitzpatrick too.’

  His mouth dropped open and he turned bright red. Large veins were pulsating on his forehead. He started grinding his jaw over and over, as if he was furiously chewing on a piece of sour tasting gum. ‘You’re only saying that,’ he said. ‘Even you wouldn’t be that stupid. You’re as concerned about our image as I am.’

  ‘Apparently not.’ Hayley said. ‘And he can’t get enough of me.’

  ‘You bitch,’ Ian shouted, pacing the room again, running a hand through his hair. ‘What if Elizabeth finds out? She’ll bloody kill you. How could you do this to our reputation?’

  ‘Screw our reputation Ian,’ Hayley said. ‘Why not be true to who we are instead?’

  ‘I can’t stay in this house with you in it,’ he said. ‘I’ll go to New York directly in the morning. We can discuss this when I get back.’

  ‘Not if I can help it,’ Hayley muttered.

  He stared at her. ‘And don’t even think of telling anyone about the latest negotiations,’ he said coolly. ‘Your handiwork is all over them. If I go down, so will you. Remember that, dear.’

  Ian left the room before Hayley could ask him what he was talking about, and she listened to his footsteps go upstairs. She sat motionless at the table, playing the day’s events through her mind like a film on a loop, wondering how she could ever have let things get to this point. Reasons, justifications, explanations – they were all paper thin. There was no excuse for who she had let herself become.

  Twenty minutes later Ian came back down and left without another word. Hayley got up and explored the main floor. Doing so confirmed what an unhappy and empty life they both must have been leading in the über-designer staged show home.

  Hayley’s stomach rumbled loudly and she rummaged around the huge gourmet kitchen, pulling open the deep, rich mahogany cupboards, looking for something to eat. She found some chocolates stashed away at the back and tore into them, groaning as the smooth and milky praliné slipped down her throat.

  When she opened the fridge she spotted a bottle of white wine.

  Would it matter? I could have all of it. Nobody would ever know.

  Disgusted with herself, she quickly poured the wine straight down the sink and helped herself to a large glass of milk instead, trying to ignore the fact that her hands shook and her mind whispered for another gin and tonic.

  Or two … or three …

  By seven o’clock she felt as if she hadn’t slept in years, and her eyes were burning. Hayley locked the front door and then walked up to the bedroom, and locked that door too, just in case. She looked at the silky nightdress on the bed and then hunted around the walk-in wardrobe until she found a pair of dark blue, cotton pyjamas and a T-shirt that didn’t have a designer label.

  She put her palms over her eyes and sat on the edge of the bed, motionless, imagining Rick, Millie and Danny’s faces and felt her heart tighten.

  I know I said I wanted to see how things could have been …

  She shuddered.

  But I never said I wanted to go home. Oh my god.

  What if this really was her new reality? Eyes wide once more, she jumped off the bed and paced the room, thinking. She had no friends, hardly any contact with her family, was married to an arse and, according to said arse, was up to her neck in illegal crap.

  She shook her head.

  I might as well phone Boots Borrello and ask if I can be his cellmate.

  She plonked herself back on the bed, her mind racing again wondering what the next day would bring. Then she gasped.

  What if I wake up dead tomorrow? Is that even possible? Or as a ghost? Or in a coffin?

  Hayley’s heart pounded as she lay down, resting her head on the springy pillow.

  Given the circumstances, sleep came surprisingly easily.

  CHAPTER 25

  1996

  Definitely Not, Baby

  Hayley settled effortlessly back into her routine of office – home – office, and Friday or Saturday nights with Ellen and Mark. Just the way she liked it – easy and uncomplicated.

  It had been five weeks since Hayley’s encounter at the hotel with Ian and she hadn’t heard from him again. She had nothing to say to him anyway. Occasionally, when the feelings of being cheap and slutty crept up on her she flicked them away. After all, the look on his face had been worth it.

  ‘I’m still shocked at what you did but I’m a bit in awe too,’ Ellen said one night as they watched a new episode of Men Behaving Badly at Hayley’s. ‘It was like you were addicted to drugs and you’re finally weaned off him.’

  ‘I know, god, I’m so relieved,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m finally rid of him.’ She took another handful of popcorn. ‘So … how are the plans going? Have you decided on flowers yet?’

  Strangely, only Hayley seemed to exude any form of anxiety about the wedding Ellen and Mark were supposed to be organising for May the next year. Hayley thought they were so relaxed about the whole thing, she wondered if they’d show up in jeans and T-shirts. Or even remember to show up at all.

  ‘Oh, it’s got to be dahlias, definitely,’ Ellen said. ‘Or tulips. Probably. Something white. Or orange or purple.’

  Hayley smiled. ‘Not long to go now and –’ She stopped when she saw Ellen’s face. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I got my period again,’ Ellen said softly.

  ‘Oh no. I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s so unfair.’ Ellen slammed the remote on the sofa. ‘Shelley at work got pregnant the first month they tried and Jules did on her honeymoon.’

  ‘It’s only been a few months,’ Hayley said as she rubbed Ellen’s arm. ‘This time next year you’ll have a baby so let’s make sure you get a stretchy wedding dress, okay?’

  As Ellen put her head on Hayley’s shoulder, Hayley wondered if she’d ever understand Ellen’s unshakable desire to have kids. In fact, she wasn’t sure she had a maternal instinct herself. While she enjoyed looking after her little nephew Lucas, and had squealed when Jackie had recently announced another baby boy would make an appearance next year, she didn’t feel the urge to have kids of her own. On occasion, she wondered if she ever would.

  ‘So what about you?’ Ellen said. ‘Met anyone yet?’

  ‘Forget it,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m too busy. Work’s nuts. Ronald gave me this contract to work on, a client in London’s buying a French company. It’s flipping complicated.’

  ‘You’re working long hours though, aren’t you?’ Ellen said.

  ‘Yeah, but I don’t care. I love it.’

  ‘You sure you’re okay? You look a bit tired.’

  ‘I am.’ Hayley laughed. ‘But don’t worry about me. Anyway, my bank account’s very grateful.’

  Ellen sighed. ‘Lucky you. Mark and me were a bit strapped for cash this month but we managed in the end. And we have each other, that’s all that matters.’

  Hayley didn’t say it, but she disagreed. She didn’t want to scrimp and save and ‘manage’ for the rest of her life.

  ‘Let me know if you ever need help, okay?’

  ‘God no,’ Ellen said, looking shocked. ‘Thanks, but I could never.’

  On the weekend Hayley decided to go shopping for a present for her unborn nephew. Unsure what to buy, she walked around Mothercare picking up a stuffed toy here and a rattle there, before putting them down again. She was inspecting a bright yellow baby grow when she noticed a guy a few feet away from her. His skin looked like a smooth, silky latte from the Seattle Coffee Company and his dark hair coiled in tight curls. He held up a curious-looking plastic cup and turned it around, examining it from all angles, his brow deeply furrowed.

  ‘I think that’s part of a breast pump,’ she ventured, nodd
ing her head towards the object in his hand.

  ‘Oh crap.’ He almost dropped it. ‘Whoops. I thought it was a baby cup or something but I couldn’t figure out how it would work.’ He put it on the shelf and turned towards her with a desperate look on his face. Hayley noticed his almond eyes were a beautiful shade of peridot.

  ‘Actually, maybe you can help me?’ he said. ‘My friends had a baby last week and I haven’t a clue what to get. Care to share your motherly wisdom?’

  Hayley burst into a laugh and shook her head. ‘Me? I’m not a mum.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I’m shopping for my nephew. My sister’s due in March but I need to get a head start. Last time I grabbed clothes for a nine-month old instead of a new-born.’ She grimaced. ‘If I do that again I’ll never live it down.’

  Breast-pump guy laughed and Hayley admired the little dimples that appeared in his cheeks.

  ‘So it’s like the blind leading the blind, eh?’ he said. ‘Let’s help each other out and escape as quickly as possible, what do you think?’

  Hayley smiled. ‘That sounds great. I’m Hayley, by the way.’

  ‘Matthew.’ They shook hands. ‘Right, where shall we start?’

  They spent the next few minutes looking for suitable presents, picking up bibs and hats, bath toys and bottles.

  An eager looking shop assistant bounded over. ‘Can I help you?’ she said, her broad smile revealing a large gap between her front teeth. ‘Is this your first baby?’

  Matthew nudged Hayley. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘We just found out she’s pregnant.’

  The assistant clapped her hands together. ‘How wonderful. When are you due?’

  ‘Next week,’ Hayley said solemnly. ‘It’s all been a bit of a shock.’

  ‘Next week? Goodness, that doesn’t leave you much time to …’ She stopped talking as Matthew and Hayley started laughing. ‘Oh you had me there for a second,’ she said with mock sternness and waved a finger at them. ‘So you’re here for presents. We have some excellent gift-sets over there. Follow me.’

  ‘She asked if I’m pregnant,’ Hayley whispered as the shop assistant left them alone to look through the selections. ‘I’m going on a diet. And I’m joining a gym. Today.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Matthew whispered back. ‘You look great.’ He winked.

  Hayley felt her cheeks go as red as a traffic light and took a sudden interest in a pack of towels, letting her hair fall in front of her face.

  They both decided on a plastic chewable giraffe and Matthew chose a red and green outfit that said ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ on the front. Hayley found a blue and red velvet cot bumper with big smiling teddy bears.

  As they walked out of the shop Matthew stopped and turned towards her. ‘This might be a bit forward, although we were shopping for our first child, so it should be okay.’

  Hayley looked at him and raised her eyebrows. ‘What?’

  ‘Well, would you like to have coffee with me? You know,’ he shrugged, ‘to get over the trauma.’

  She had no other plans for that afternoon so what harm could it do? It was only a coffee and he seemed nice. Actually, he seemed very nice.

  ‘Sure,’ she answered, nodding. ‘Why not?’

  An hour and a half later, after two cups of coffee and a sticky cinnamon bun each, Matthew and Hayley exchanged phone numbers.

  ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you again,’ he said as he kissed her lightly on the cheek. ‘I’ll call you soon.’

  On her way home Hayley stopped in to see Ellen and Mark and she told them about her encounter.

  ‘So what’s he like then?’ asked Mark as he folded up his paper at the kitchen table.

  ‘Well, he’s almost thirty, a bit taller than me and he kind of reminds me of Terence Trent D’Arby. And he’s fit.’

  ‘Now there’s a surprise.’ Mark rolled his eyes. ‘All your blokes have been fit.’

  Hayley gave him a playful punch. ‘What do you mean, all my blokes? And I mean fit as in sporty. He used to do athletics, you know, hurdles and long-jump and stuff, until he buggered up his knee. If that hadn’t happened he may have competed for England. Now he does a lot of rowing and swimming instead.’

  ‘Sounds promising,’ Ellen said. ‘Hang on a sec, I’ll get some biscuits.’ She turned to Mark. ‘Do you like the tea? It’s red raspberry leaf. Helps boost fertility.’

  ‘Mmmm,’ Mark said, nodding enthusiastically. ‘It’s delicious, my love.’

  Ellen smiled at him and went to the kitchen.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Mark whispered to Hayley. ‘Don’t let her convert you. Promise me you’ll stay a devout follower of the Church of English Breakfast.’

  Hayley stifled a laugh as Ellen returned with a plate of chocolate digestives.

  ‘So, what does Matthew do for a living?’ Ellen said as she sat down again.

  ‘Well if you must know, Mummy,’ Hayley said, ‘he teaches science at secondary school.’ She thought for a second. ‘Actually, he’s a really nice guy.’

  ‘How nice?’ Ellen said with her eyebrows raised.

  Hayley clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. Ellen often tried to set her up on blind dates and was always looking out for The One for Hayley. One time Hayley had obliged and gone on a date but it had been such a let-down that she’d refused to go on another. The guy in question had warts on his hands and halitosis, and she hadn’t let Ellen forget it.

  ‘Single?’ Mark said, crossing his arms.

  ‘Yeah,’ Hayley said. ‘Found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. Said he can’t understand why people do it, what with the amount of heartache it causes.’

  ‘He sounds too good to be true,’ Ellen said. ‘You sure he’s genuine?’

  ‘Believe me, if he isn’t I’ll leg it faster than Donovan Bailey.’

  ‘I can come with you if you see him again,’ Mark said. ‘Check him out for bad vibes only other blokes can detect.’ He put his index fingers next to his temples, mimicking antennae.

  Hayley laughed. ‘Well if he calls me, I’ll let you know. But don’t hold your breath.’

  CHAPTER 26

  Freefalling

  Hayley dreamt that she was falling, not at breakneck speed, but gently gliding through the air, almost birdlike, smooth and graceful. She stretched her arms out, enjoying the pleasant feeling. But then her brain registered the noise. A lot of noise. Too much for a dream. She opened her eyes.

  ‘AAAAAAAAAA‌AARRRRRGGGHHH!’ The sound barely left her throat. She was falling, racing towards the ground beneath her, faster and faster. Strands of her hair blew around in the wind and in front of her eyes. Instinctively she held her out her hands, trying to slow herself down. The wind rushed past her, drowning every other sound out entirely.

  I’m going to die! I’m going to die!

  Just as she thought she would either wet herself, pass out or croak, a gloved hand tapped her shoulder and, seconds later, they slowed down. Hayley whipped her head around from side to side and saw strings. Her gaze followed them upwards to a bright red-and-blue striped parachute billowing above her head.

  ‘I thought I’d lost you for a minute there,’ a voice shouted from behind her. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Am I okay? Am I okay?’ Hayley shouted, waving her arms around, barely registering that they were covered in what looked like a blue boiler suit. ‘What the … where the … gaaaaah!’

  ‘Relax, take it easy. The first jump is always the scariest but enjoy the ride and remember to lift up your legs when we land. Look around you, it’s a beautiful day.’

  Hayley breathed heavily as her stomach twisted itself into knots. As she touched her face she felt goggles in front of her eyes. She exhaled slowly, letting the air escape through her puffed out cheeks. However hard she tried, it was impossible for her to see the person behind her – she’d have to morph into an owl to turn her head that far. But one thing was certain. It wasn’t Matthew. It was a woman.

  Hayley looked around at the fiel
ds that stretched for miles and miles. Peering between her feet, she spotted two white buildings with six small planes in front of them, and realised where they were headed. As the ground approached, Hayley squealed and closed her eyes.

  ‘Lift up your legs,’ the woman shouted.

  They landed seconds later and the woman behind her undid the harness attaching them together. Grateful to be free and back on the ground, Hayley rolled onto her stomach, arms and legs outstretched like an upside-down snow angel, her goggles askew on her face. She buried her nose in the damp grass, breathing in the scent of freshly cut blades, almost giggling as they tickled her nose.

  ‘You did it, you actually did it!’

  The familiar male voice registered somewhere in Hayley’s mushy brain.

  ‘Woohoo, what a ride,’ he said. ‘What did you think? Did you like it? I told you Neha’s a great instructor. The best.’

  Hayley rolled onto her back, held her hand up to block out the sun and stared up at the man bending over her, grinning madly. He pulled off his hat and goggles.

  Matthew!

  A woman with deep brown eyes and pixie-cropped black hair knelt beside her. ‘I think you passed out for a few seconds after we jumped. Are you feeling alright?’

  Hayley gulped. ‘I … I think so. Where am I? What day is it?’

  Matthew frowned. ‘Ipsden. Saturday. Here, let me help you up. We’ll get you some water or maybe a coffee at the hangar.’

  As Matthew helped her get to her feet, panic exploding in Hayley’s mind like a box of Catherine wheels on New Year’s Eve. She realised she couldn’t make a run for it even if she wanted to – the hangar was in the middle of nowhere. Besides, sticking with Ian yesterday, at least for the first little while, had been beneficial. She’d moved on, got away from him. That meant she was one step closer to getting home. Didn’t it?

  There’s no sense sprinting off like Road Runner.

  Hayley took a deep breath, realising she was actually curious to find out more. The parachute jump had scared the shit out of her but, in reality, she hadn’t had a rush of adrenaline like that since … since … She gave up and then leaned on Matthew as they walked to the hanger. He helped her out of her gear and sat her down at a large table, then disappeared into a room. Hayley looked around and noticed the big, black and white clock hanging on the wall. It showed a few minutes after nine.