The thought of Sean upstairs, naked in the shower, with water running over his chest and down his lean stomach was almost unbearable. Hayley slowly walked towards the stairs.
I want to … but I can’t … but this isn’t real. And no one will ever know.
With every step the guilt of what she was about to do lessened and the images of Rick, Millie and Danny faded. By the time she reached the bedroom door, they’d disappeared completely.
I want him. I need this. It’ll make me feel alive again.
She pulled off her jeans and T-shirt and let them fall to the floor along with her underwear.
Maybe I can stay here for another day. Maybe more … maybe …
As she started walking towards the bathroom door she shivered with the anticipation of feeling Sean’s touch all over her body.
Beep-beep – the noise pulled Hayley’s attention to the mobile on the bed where the tell-tale sign of a text message twinkled on the screen. She picked it up and read.
Have you told her yet? Call me. Good luck. ILU. Melanie xxx
The water in the bathroom stopped and she heard the shower curtain being pulled to one side. Hayley quickly put the phone back on the bed and grabbed her clothes from the floor. She backed out of the bedroom as fast and as silently as she could, putting on her bra and pulling her T-shirt over her head as she crept downstairs.
Who the hell is Melanie?
CHAPTER 37
1998
It’s Their Party …
Throwing a big shindig had been Ellen’s idea.
‘It was something one of my clients said,’ she told Hayley as they were getting the flat ready, pushing the sofas out of the way and setting up stacks of plastic cups that rivalled the Leaning Tower of Pisa. ‘Since she had a baby they haven’t had anyone over for dinner, let alone thrown a wild party. I’ve been all gloomy about not getting pregnant when I should be celebrating the fact we can still do whatever we want.’
Mark came over and slid his arms around her. ‘That’s my girl,’ he said, and planted a noisy kiss on her cheek. ‘I’m popping to the off-licence for more beer.’
‘I had the doctor’s appointment today,’ Ellen said after Mark had closed the door behind him.
Hayley stopped shoving the sofa to the side of the room and stood up straight, arching her back. ‘What did he say?’
‘It’s time for us to see a specialist and have tests done.’
‘What kind of tests?’
Ellen sighed and counted on her fingers. ‘A blood test, an ultrasound and maybe an X-ray for me and a sperm test for Mark. Lucky bastard. All he has to do is wank in a cup and the cheeky sod asked if I’d go with him to help.’
‘Ewww,’ said Hayley. ‘There’s an image I didn’t need.’
‘Sorry. I asked the doctor if it meant we’d have to have IVF but he said I was getting ahead of myself.’
‘You are.’
‘Yeah, well. I nagged him into telling me anyway. I want to know what could happen.’
‘And?’
‘Well it’s not easy. They stimulate my ovaries first, then they take the eggs out. Or harvest them.’ She made air quotation marks with her fingers. ‘Made me sound like a bunch of grapes. Then they mix my egg with Mark’s sperm, shove it inside me and hey presto, one ready-made kiddie.’
‘Blimey, that sounds … complicated.’
‘I know,’ Ellen gave the sofa a final nudge with her knee. ‘Apparently all the hormones they give you can make you really emotional and stuff. Poor Mark. I didn’t tell him that bit. I’m bad enough as it is.’
‘Stop it,’ Hayley waved a hand. ‘You’ve been fine honest.’
Ellen laughed. ‘You’re a shitty liar.’
Hayley grinned. ‘So do you have to pay for any of it?’
‘Thankfully no. We get three tries on the NHS first. But then we have to pay … about three to four thousand quid a pop.’
Hayley whistled. ‘Jesus, that’s a bit steep. Fingers crossed you won’t need it.’
‘I know. It’s crazy money. Now,’ she exhaled loudly and made a time-out sign with her hands, ‘that’s enough of that. It’s party night. Wheeee!’ She spun around in a circle, her new skirt twirling like a carrousel. ‘Mark invented a cocktail.’ Her face turned into a sly grin. ‘He called it an Oliver Reed.’
‘What’s in it?’ asked Hayley.
‘Anything we can find in the cupboard.’
*
At ten o’clock the party was in full swing and Hayley danced around the living room table to the Spice Girls latest hit ‘Stop’. She felt a tap on the shoulder and as she whirled around, she hit Sean’s hand and large slosh of his red wine splattered on the sofa. He beamed broadly at her and reached out to steady her.
‘Whoops,’ he shouted over the music and looked down. ‘Hey, that looks like Gorbatchev’s birthmark.’ He laughed and blotted it with a paper napkin. ‘And I didn’t have you down as a Spice Girls fan. See, you’re not boring at all. You’re full of hidden surprises.’
She tried – and failed – to stop her stomach from doing twenty backflips. So much for telling herself all day she didn’t care if he showed up. Besides, far too much time had been spent on getting ready, making sure she wasn’t overdressed but still looked like she’d made an effort, and she’d had an eye on the front door all evening.
As they danced, drank and laughed together, Hayley noticed Ellen watching them out of the corner of her eye, but chose to ignore it.
By two in the morning the last party goers had staggered home and only Ellen, Mark, Hayley and Sean were left.
‘I’ve got to go to bed,’ said Mark, who half collapsed on the kitchen counter, his shirt partially tucked into his trousers. ‘Gawd … I think I had too many Ollie Reeds.’ He grabbed his wife’s hand. ‘Come on, gorgeous, let’s see if I can get you knocked up tonight.’
Ellen gave him a slap on the bum then turned to Hayley and Sean. ‘You can sleep in the office if you like? Hayley knows the way. Here,’ she walked over to a cupboard in the hall, ‘take these.’ She held out a pile of blankets and quickly winked at Hayley. ‘Night-night.’
Sean looked at Hayley and they both shrugged as if to say ‘why not?’ and headed to the office.
‘A sleepover, cool,’ Sean said. ‘I hope you brought your pyjamas.’ He kicked off his shoes, pulled out the futon and jumped on it. It creaked loudly in protest and he grinned. ‘Actually I hope you didn’t.’
Hayley laughed.
Sean patted the space next to him. ‘Come on. Now’s your chance to tell me about being a solicitor. On second thought, don’t, you’ll put me to sleep.’
She bopped him on the head with a heart-shaped pillow and stretched out next to him.
‘Why don’t you tell me about Northern Ireland instead?’ she said. ‘I’ve never been. What’s it like? Is it like Ireland in Father Ted and Ballykissangel?’
Sean laughed. ‘You watch Father Ted?’
‘Love it,’ she said. ‘Especially Dougal.’
‘What else do you like?’
‘I have a Men Behaving Badly fetish. Ellen and I used to pretend we were Gary and Tony when we lived here together. We drank lager with pillows on our heads.’
‘Hah! I’d pay good money to see that. Don’t tell me you like video games as well,’ he said. ‘I don’t think I could take it.’
‘Tomb Raider’s my favourite,’ Hayley answered with a giggle.
‘Tomb Raider huh? Fantastic. Lara Croft kicks arse.’
‘Don’t tell anyone,’ she lowered her voice and he leaned in, their shoulders touching, ‘but once I didn’t shower all weekend because I just had to finish more levels. I told my ex-boyfriend I was ill and couldn’t see him.’ She made sure she emphasised the ex.
‘You disgusting, evil woman,’ he said, gently shoving her with his shoulder.
‘To be fair, he started it by giving me the game in the first place. Anyway, so tell me,’ she said. ‘What’s Northern Ireland like?’<
br />
Their voices quiet and soft, Sean described the countryside and she listened closely, imagining the rolling, emerald-green fields and little villages.
‘Was it hard to leave?’ Hayley asked.
‘Yes … and no.’ Sean paused. ‘See, I’m an only child. My dad died in the Troubles when I was five and Ma raised me on my own. I only have my grandma left over there.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Hayley said. ‘That must have been awful.’
‘I hardly remember him, but it hit Ma really hard,’ Sean said. ‘Despite that she was always so strong and positive, you know?’ He closed his eyes and she noticed his lower lip tremble ever so slightly. ‘Even when she found the lump, even after the diagnosis and the chemo. Right up until the day she died.’
Hayley grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, and he held on to it.
‘That’s why I really came to London,’ he whispered. ‘I needed to get away, you know?’
Hayley interlaced her fingers with his. She never wanted to let go.
Sean talked about his job as a paramedic and how much he enjoyed it, despite the long hours, and the horrific injuries and abusive patients he came across at times.
‘And London has been full of surprises,’ he said. ‘Two days in I got lost on the tube and this old lady came to my rescue. She helped me figure out where I wanted to go and told me I had a sexy accent.’ He grinned. ‘Then she asked me if I wanted her number. I almost went back to Carrick.’
Hayley laughed, then shifted her body and put her head on his chest. He tucked one arm around her and stroked her hair with his other hand.
‘So what about you then, Hayley?’ he said. ‘What’s your story?’
She gave him the lowdown on her family, then told him how passionate she felt about law, how she’d known from an early age that she wanted to be a solicitor. They chatted about places they’d visited and holidays they’d been on, and discovered they’d visited Amsterdam on the exact same weekend.
‘I bet you left a string of broken hearts back home,’ Hayley said, smiling to herself.
‘Not really,’ he answered. ‘I left two of my girlfriends and the other two left me. I hope that makes things even because I hear karma can be a real bitch.’
‘I don’t know, I’ve never met her.’ Hayley giggled and Sean laughed.
‘And you?’ Sean said. ‘How many skeletons in your cupboard?’
‘Three serious, a few not so serious,’ she answered, thinking how strange it was, feeling like they’d known each other for years.
She told him about Chris, Ian and Matthew, skimming the details and giving him the gist of the story. ‘What a feckin’ eejit, he didn’t deserve you,’ he whispered when she told him about the relationship with Ian.
They talked about school, books and music, then played Name the Top-5 albums of All Time, gently arguing some of the choices and agreeing that some guy must have really, really pissed off Alanis Morissette when she wrote Jagged Little Pill.
‘It’s a great album though,’ Sean said. ‘Even if –’
‘She’s a complete whinge-bag? Yeah, I agree.’ Hayley said with a laugh.
In the early hours of the morning, the conversation slowed down and Hayley started to drift off. She closed her eyes and smiled as she listened to Sean’s rhythmic breathing. If they didn’t have to sleep they would have continued talking, probably for the next hundred years. They’d talked about everything. Hayley pushed the uncomfortable feeling that she felt rising within her to the back of her mind and closed her eyes.
Well … almost everything.
*
Mark called her at the office a few weeks later. ‘About Sean.’
‘Is he okay?’ Hayley said and pressed her fingers around the phone. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You have to tell him you’re leaving,’ Mark said sternly. ‘Now.’
Hayley slumped back into her chair. ‘I know …’
Mark cleared his throat. ‘I shouldn’t be saying this,’ he said, ‘but he told me he’s in love with you.’
‘What?’ Hayley’s eyes widened. ‘When?’
‘Squash. Yesterday.’
She caught her breath. ‘But we only met six weeks ago.’
Mark snorted. ‘You’ve been living in each other’s pockets. Ellen said you’re always holed up together playing that radar game.’
‘Tomb Raider,’ she corrected him and smiled at the thought of her and Sean helping Lara Croft save the world one level at a time.
‘You even went to Carrick for the weekend,’ Mark continued. ‘You met his grandma.’
Hayley was glad Mark couldn’t see how badly she was squirming in her chair. ‘Have you said anything to Ellen?’
He paused. ‘No. The point is that you’re leaving for Chicago in two weeks. Two weeks.’
‘I know,’ she said loudly, then more quietly, ‘you don’t have to remind me and –’
‘It isn’t fair on him, or me for that matter,’ Mark pressed on. ‘You asked us not to say anything and we haven’t but he loves you, Hayley.’
‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, I really didn’t,’ she said, covering her eyes with one hand and leaning back in her chair. ‘I meant to tell him ages ago. When my visa arrived and when I found someone to sub-let my flat … but I still haven’t. Then Jackie had the baby and I … I’ve been busy …’ The pathetic excuse didn’t cut it and she knew it.
When Mark spoke there wasn’t a hint of sympathy in his voice. ‘He’s a good bloke.’
‘I know that,’ Hayley snapped. ‘I like him, Mark, a lot, but I –’
‘Then tell him.’ This time Mark’s voice was loud. ‘I’d better go. Sort it out. Bye.’
Hayley put the phone down, her mind whizzing. She knew Mark was right, obviously she did. But she’d justified not saying anything to Sean because she didn’t want to spoil the time they had. Being with him felt too incredible to put a downer on it all. No, it wasn’t fair, but on the other hand she couldn’t bear to unsettle things any earlier than she absolutely needed to. Except she absolutely needed to … because, as Mark had so kindly reminded her, she was leaving in two weeks. Then again … she could wait a few more days before she brought it up. She just wanted one (okay, so maybe two or three) more perfect nights with him. Where was the harm in that?
The first time they’d slept together had been a week after the party. It had been the oh-my-god-this-has-never-felt-so-good kind of sex that she’d only ever read about. She couldn’t get enough of it. She couldn’t get enough of him.
Of course she could tell he had feelings for her, even before he’d showed up at her office one Friday lunch-time with a couple of plane tickets to Belfast that weekend. ‘I want to give you a proper tour of the place and show you around,’ he said with a smile.
Sean drove Hayley to the Giant’s Causeway, which was so breathtakingly dramatic, it left her speechless. They stood in silence with their arms wrapped around each other, staring out to sea, hair blowing in the wind. As she shivered Sean pulled her closer and kissed her softly. ‘This has always been a special place to me,’ he whispered. ‘And now I hope it will be to you, too.’
They stayed in a tiny B&B in the heart of Carrickfergus, or Carrick, as the locals called it. The bed creaked so much, the landlord actually winked at Sean the next morning when he asked him how they’d slept, and Hayley thought she was going to spontaneously combust.
‘Granny Boyle likes you,’ he said that evening, as they walked to the pub to meet his friends after having tea with his grandma. ‘She definitely approves.’
He never mentioned meeting her family, not before or after their trip to Carrick, and she didn’t offer. Knowing Sean he was waiting until she felt ready, and she was grateful for the unspoken excuse. After all, how could she possibly explain to her family why she’d never told him about her upcoming move?
Hayley stared out of the office window, watching a shiny red double-decker bus drive by.
Maybe we can have a
long-distance relationship? I’ll be home twice a year.
She smiled as relief started to replace the guilt. Yes, that could work, she’d make sure of it. She’d think about how she could break the news but first she needed to plan how they could stay together without being on the same continent.
When she made her way to the lift that evening, Sharon stopped her. ‘Hang on, Hayley,’ she called, waving a blue envelope. ‘I’ve got your plane tickets. Not long now, eh? You must be excited.’
‘I am thanks,’ she said with a somewhat forced smile. ‘It’ll be great.’
Maybe I should get it over with and tell him tonight.
*
‘So do you want to go out?’ Sean asked Hayley after dinner. They’d eaten a curry, watched a movie and Hayley still hadn’t found the right moment. Or she’d avoided it if she had.
‘Sure,’ she said, ‘Why not?’
I’m such a coward.
‘I’ll tidy up,’ Sean said, clearing away the plates, and Hayley headed for the bathroom where she touched up her make-up and hair. She looked at herself in the mirror and pulled a face.
Bollocks. I’ll tell him tomorrow. It’ll be fine.
When she got back to the kitchen Sean was sitting at the table, and he looked up at her with an unfamiliar expression on his face. Discomfort? Anxiety? Hayley couldn’t place it.
‘Are you okay?’ Hayley said. ‘You don’t look well.’
‘You’re going to Chicago?’ he said, holding up the plane tickets she’d forgotten on the counter.
‘Y-yes.’
‘In two weeks?’
‘Sean,’ she said as she wrung her hands, ‘I was going to tell you.’
He stared at her, all of the warmth disappearing from his hazel eyes. ‘When? The return leg isn’t until December. That’s six months.’
She moved towards him slowly. ‘Yes.’
‘How long have you known?’
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