She gulped. ‘A few months.’
‘You knew before we met?’ The coldness in his voice was unmistakable and he stood up. ‘Don’t you think you should have said?’
‘I wanted to,’ Hayley said quickly, her voice laden with remorse. ‘I … I’m sorry. I didn’t want to spoil the time we had … I …’
He puffed out his cheeks. ‘Okay, but you’ll be back at Christmas?’
She looked away. ‘Only for a holiday.’
‘Wait, you’re going there permanently?’
‘Shit! No, I mean yes, I mean sort of … For a year … maybe two …’ Her voice tailed off as she saw the hurt in his eyes.
What have I done? How could I have been so selfish?
Sean shook his head. ‘Jesus, Hayley. I had a right to know before things got serio– Oh shite,’ he slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. ‘I’m a stop-gap. And here I am, falling in lo–’ He stopped and turned away. ‘I’m such a fucking eejit.’
‘No, Sean, you’re not.’ Hayley moved in front of him quickly and grabbed his arm. ‘I love being with you, I …’ She almost added ‘love you’ but stopped herself. ‘We can stay in touch, talk on the phone and I’ll be back at Christmas.’
He stared at her and raised his eyebrows. ‘Stay in touch?’ He laughed but she could tell he didn’t think any of it was remotely funny. ‘Seriously? Is that the best you can do?’ He shook off her hand, picked up his jacket and headed for the front door. ‘I really don’t know you at all, do I, Hayley?’
CHAPTER 38
The Wake-up Call
Hayley pulled the rest of her clothes on, her heart beating hard. A few minutes later Sean strolled into the kitchen, whistling a terrible rendition of ‘Ironic’. Hayley didn’t care that he was butchering what had been one of her favourite Alanis Morissette songs – she didn’t like it as much since Ed Byrnes had taken the piss out of it so badly – and besides, she had to focus on the fact that they were both fully clothed.
I can’t believe I … I almost … What the hell was I thinking?
Sean stopped whistling. ‘You okay?’
‘Kind of,’ she said. Her eyes wandered around the room until they settled back on him. Tiny water droplets sparkled in his hair and when he looked at her she quickly dropped her gaze. She’d always thought his hazel eyes could see right into her soul. She swallowed. Pushing the last shreds of dirty shower thoughts from her mind she said, ‘I almost did something stupid.’
He smiled and hooked his thumbs into the pockets of his jeans. ‘You put salt in the tea again?’
Hayley stared at him blankly and his smile disappeared. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Who’s Melanie?’ she said.
The colour drained from his face and he looked away as he fidgeted with his wedding ring. Hayley would have spotted the guilt written all over his face if she’d been on the moon.
‘I saw the text on your phone.’ She didn’t take her eyes off him this time. ‘What does she want you to tell me?’
‘Ah, shite, Hayley. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.’ He ran his fingers through his hair, then puffed out his cheeks and smoothed down his shirt. ‘I asked your mum and dad to take the kids because … because … I have stuff to talk to you about.’
‘Evidently,’ Hayley said. ‘Start by telling me who Melanie is.’
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning against the kitchen cabinet. ‘Oh Hayley, I’m sorry.’
She quietly observed him, taking in his shiny eyes, his clenched jaw and his trembling hands. ‘You’re having an affair.’
Five seconds went by before he answered. ‘Yes.’ He walked over to the table and sat down opposite her, pushing the stack of junk mail to one side.
‘How long?’ She felt strangely detached, almost as if she was researching a case at work. ‘How do you know her?’
‘A few months. We met at work, years ago, but nothing happened before, I swear … I … I’m so sorry.’
‘Why?’ Hayley said quietly, shaking her head. ‘Why would you do that to us?’
‘I … we …’ Sean fidgeted with his wedding ring again, turning it around and around, pulling it up to his knuckle and pushing it down his finger again.
‘Do you love her?’
He looked at Hayley but didn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity. ‘Yes,’ he finally said so quietly she barely heard him. ‘Yes I do.’
‘But … but we seem so happy … the photos,’ she whispered, more to herself than to Sean.
‘I know,’ he said. ‘We were. Maybe, maybe if Ell–’ He stopped talking and exhaled sharply. ‘Look, I … I know this is sudden for you but I’ve thought about it a lot and … I … I think I should move out. Once the kids are back and we’ve had a chance to talk to them.’
‘What? You’re leaving me? To move in with her?’ A tear escaped the corner of her eye and trickled down her cheek. It was all she could do to stop herself from screaming.
I just found him again and now he’s going? Why? WHY?
‘Oh baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,’ Sean said, grabbing her hands. ‘We haven’t been happy for so long. I’ve tried … we’ve tried … It’s not an excuse but … I can’t get close … No, that’s not fair. I’m sorry.’
She angrily pulled her hands back and wiped her cheek. ‘Don’t touch me.’
‘We need to talk.’ Sean said gently.
Hayley waved her hands. ‘No, not now.’ As she pushed her chair back it scraped noisily across the floor. ‘I need to get some air.’
‘Of course,’ Sean said softly. ‘But we can’t run away from this, Hayley.’
She walked to the front door, opened the cupboard and pulled out a pair of boots and a jacket. A bag that she presumed was hers dangled on the back of the cupboard door. She grabbed the phone, keys and purse from her briefcase and stuffed them in the bag.
‘I’ll be back later,’ she said to Sean, who had followed her and watched her with his shoulders hunched. ‘I need to work a few things out.’
He opened the door for her. The symbolism wasn’t lost on her.
How could things have gone so wrong?
She pulled the phone out of her bag as she walked to the end of the road and punched in Ellen’s number, stabbing the keypad with her index finger. An automated message informed her the number wasn’t in service. She scrolled through list of contacts but couldn’t find Ellen’s name. She selected Mark’s number instead, then pressed the phone against her ear.
‘Hi, you’ve reached Mark. You know what to do.’
Hayley didn’t bother leaving a message and called for a taxi instead. When it arrived, she climbed into the back seat, gave the driver her parents’ address and dialled their number, crossing her fingers.
‘Stan Adams.’ His voice was clear. Crystal clear.
‘Dad?’ Hayley whispered. ‘Dad? Is that you?’
‘Hello, poppet,’ he said cheerfully.
Poppet. He hadn’t called her that for years.
‘It’s so good to hear your voice,’ she said as fresh tears stung her eyes. ‘Can I come and see you?’
‘Course you can. I’m around all day. See you in a bit. Whoops. I’d better go. The toast’s burning.’
Hayley clutched the phone to her chest and burst into tears, gratefully accepting the hankies the taxi driver shoved her way with an uncomfortable look on his face.
CHAPTER 39
1998
Fly Away
‘Sean, it’s Hayley, again. Please call me. I don’t want to leave like this.’
The desperation in Hayley’s messages increased each day in the two weeks leading up to her flight. Three days after he walked out on her, she went to his flat after work and sat by his door.
‘You’re going to have a long wait,’ Big Jim, Sean’s neighbour, told her as he huffed and puffed up the stairs, laden with Tesco’s bags. Hayley jumped up to help and took the two bags that looked like the heaviest from him. He put his hands in the small of his back and
winced as he straightened up. ‘Oh, thanks love. These bloody stairs are killers.’
‘What do you mean I’m going to have a long wait?’ Hayley asked as she walked up the remaining stairs in front of Big Jim.
‘Asked me this morning if I could keep an eye out on his place. Said he was going to Carrick. Didn’t say when he’d be back though.’ He looked her up and down and squinted. ‘Did you two have a fight? Only he wasn’t in a grand mood, that’s for sure.’
Hayley quickly made her excuses and left Big Jim to unpack his groceries. Back at her flat she put Jagged Little Pill on a loop and buried her face in a pillow.
*
Her parents, Jackie and Ray, their three boys as well as Ellen and Mark all came to Heathrow to wave her off, giving her last minute Farewell & Good Luck cards.
‘Call us as soon as you land,’ Stan said and squeezed her. ‘I don’t care what time it is.’
‘Come here, you,’ Ellen said, as she grabbed Hayley by the coat lapels and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. ‘You take care of yourself, you hear me?’
The lump in Hayley’s throat felt too huge to allow any words to escape. As she hugged Ellen, she scanned the airport for signs of Sean. She hoped he’d have a last-minute change of heart and imagined him walking towards her, huge dimples in his cheeks from his grin, his arms outstretched and welcoming. She’d run towards him, he’d scoop her up, kiss her and tell her, ‘Baby, of course we’ll work things out.’ But he didn’t, and when Hayley cleared customs and sat alone by the gate, clutching her tickets and her handbag, the tears came.
The captain announced it was clear skies all the way to Chicago and Hayley settled back in her seat, refusing the offer of a newspaper because she couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than five seconds. Her thoughts kept going back to Sean. She knew that what she’d done was horrible, selfish, despicable, and then some. Had she been in his shoes she would have walked out and never looked back too. She’d felt in control of the situation, convinced herself it was for the good of the relationship and not manipulative in the slightest. It was a mess. She pulled out a notepad and a pen from her bag and started to scribble.
Dear Sean,
How are you? Probably a stupid question but I wasn’t sure how to start this letter. I’m sitting on the plane and all I can think of is you. Please believe that I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t tell you at the bar or Mark and Ellen’s party because it was still a secret at work. Then I kept waiting for the right moment to bring it up – which never came, or I ignored it. The longer I left it, the harder it was. I’m such an idiot for not telling you and I wish I had. I promise I wasn’t using you and I’m sorry I hurt you.
Please write back to me. I miss you. We can work this out.
Love, Hayley x
More tears trickled down her cheeks and Hayley felt a shift in her heart as she slotted a couple of bricks into the protective wall around it. She looked at the flight-map on the large screen a few seats ahead of her, and watched the plane inch its way across the Atlantic Ocean. Chicago would allow her plenty of time and distance to forget about Sean.
You’ll cope. You always do. You’ll be fine. No more guys. No more distractions.
She scrunched the letter into a ball and stuffed it into the pocket of the seat in front of her.
*
Two days later Hayley sat at her desk in her new office on East Randolph Street and stared at the picture of Trafalgar Square on her I LONDON calendar. Jackie had given it to her as a leaving present, her way of making sure Hayley wouldn’t forget about home. Her eyes wandered to the dates and she got up for a closer look. Goosebumps appeared all over her arms and she shivered. Her throat tightened as she flicked the pages back and forth and counted the weeks for the fifth time.
Must be all the stress. Yes … it must be.
But then she woke up the next morning and vomited three times in a row and she knew, even before she went to CVS Pharmacy, bought the tests and peed on every single one of them at the office bathroom. When she threw up in the kitchenette sink, Philip, her new boss, gently insisted she take the rest of the day off.
Back in her apartment, Hayley curled up on her bed and called Ellen.
‘I’ve done four tests,’ she said, and her voice trembled. ‘They’re all positive.’ She sobbed loudly. ‘Oh shit, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?’
‘Calm down,’ said Ellen. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes I’m fucking sure,’ Hayley snapped and she heard Ellen exhale loudly.
Hayley gasped. ‘Oh bollocks. Ellen, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called. You’ve been trying and I … I’d better go.’
‘Stop,’ Ellen said in a tone Hayley had rarely heard her use. ‘Don’t you fucking dare hang up. Let’s take a deep breath, okay?’
‘Okay,’ Hayley said before moaning, ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Enough. You’re my best friend.’ Her voice softened. ‘Now listen to me. We’ll work it out. First of all, what are you going to tell Sean?’
‘Nothing, Ellen, nothing,’ Hayley said without a moment’s hesitation. ‘I haven’t spoken to him since he walked out.’
‘He needs to know.’
‘No,’ Hayley said firmly. ‘He doesn’t. Not yet. God, how can this have happened? We were always careful.’
‘Oh Hayley,’ Ellen said. ‘I’m here for you. We’ll do whatever we can. Maybe I can come over. We’ll manage somehow.’
‘I can’t ask you to do that,’ Hayley said. ‘Listen … I … I really do need to go. I don’t feel well. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?’
‘Hayley,’ Ellen said gently, ‘you don’t have to go through this alone. Stop pretending you can cope with everything.’
‘I’ll be okay,’ Hayley mumbled. ‘Bye.’
She pulled her knees towards her chest and flipped the duvet over her body. The noise of the traffic soothed her and Hayley gratefully slipped into the temporary escape a few hours of sleep offered.
The next week went by in a blur. Hayley told Ellen she hadn’t made a decision. She didn’t have the guts to say she’d discreetly found a reputable abortion clinic, or how long it took her to finally work up the courage and make the call. And even though she’d booked time off work and arranged the schedule with the clinic, she still wasn’t sure she could go through with it.
The day before her appointment – a day that she dreaded more than she’d ever thought possible – Hayley got up from her desk and felt a rush of sticky moistness between her legs. She bolted to the loos, trying not to panic. But then she saw the blood.
At the hospital, a young, soft-spoken doctor called Raj examined her gently. He turned the ultrasound screen so it faced away from Hayley and then put his hand on hers.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said quietly and shook his head. ‘There’s nothing we can do.’
CHAPTER 40
Daddy’s Girl
Hayley struggled to get out of the taxi when it pulled up in front of her parents’ house half an hour after she left Sean’s. Her dad barely had time to open the door before Hayley grabbed hold of him, hugging him tight.
‘Dad.’ She buried her head into his shoulder. ‘Oh my god, Dad.’
‘You okay?’ Stan said as he hugged her back. ‘What’s going on?’
‘You’re up, you’re walking.’
‘What are you implying, young lady?’ he said, obviously pretending to be miffed, then grinned. ‘It is almost lunchtime. There’s still life in me yet you know.’
She peered past him at the hallway, looking for the wheelchair, stair lift and ramp. Tears trickled down her cheeks.
‘Shh, shh,’ he said and put his arms around her again. ‘There now, come inside.’ He led her into the hallway and closed the door.
‘I’m so glad to see you’re alright,’ she said as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand, leaning against him. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d allowed her father to see her cry, let alone comfort her. It felt good. It fel
t right.
‘I’m fine love.’ Stan said. ‘Did your mother say I was on death’s door or something? It was only a cold.’ He looked at her. ‘Hayley, what’s going on?’
‘Sorry,’ she said with a teary grin, ‘it’s been a weird few days.’
‘Come and sit down,’ Stan said. ‘Your mum took the kids to the park while I tidied up but they’ll be back soon. We weren’t expecting you until tomorrow but I bet they’ll be glad to see you.’
Hayley inhaled sharply. ‘Oh … well …’ Fight or flight instincts kicked in and Hayley took a few steps back.
What will I say to them? What will they say to me? What will …?
As suddenly as the panic had risen within her, it disappeared. These were her children with Sean. She had to meet them. She wanted to. How could she walk away?
And I can’t leave Dad, I simply can’t. Look at him. Just look.
‘O-okay.’ She followed her father into the living room and sat down in her mum’s squishy green armchair with the footrest and the doily.
‘Do you want to talk about what’s going on or …?’ He sat down, closed his book of crosswords and put it on the coffee table.
Hayley shook her head. ‘You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.’
‘Try me.’
Hayley smiled at him. Her dad, her hero, the man who had always helped her pick herself up, dust herself off and work things out. ‘Dad … I don’t belong here.’
Stan looked up at her. ‘Come again?’
Hayley started to laugh. It sounded so ridiculous. ‘I’m living a different life.’
Stan exhaled. ‘We all feel that way sometimes, love.’
‘No, I really mean it, I …’ Hayley stopped as she remembered how Mark and Ellen had reacted when she told them she was married to Rick. What was the point?
‘What is it, love?’
Hayley closed her eyes for a moment. ‘It’s Sean … He … he’s having an affair. He wants to leave.’
Stan pinched the top of his nose and closed his eyes. ‘So he finally admitted it?’
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