Life in Death

by M. Ullrich

  Marty bristled slightly at the use of her ex-wife’s nickname. She knew she’d have to get used to that if Suzanne was to marry him. If.

  “Listen, Blake, Suzanne is very important to me and you seem like a nice guy. I want to be friends with both of you, and I want to avoid any potential animosity there could be between us.”

  “I appreciate that,” Blake said.

  “Now please, make yourself at home by going and eating as much as you possibly can.” Marty pointed toward a long table set as a buffet. “Beers are in the cooler and any liquor, soda, or juice you could imagine are in the kitchen.”

  “I am starving.” He looked like he was about to drool as he stared longingly at a pile of cheeseburgers.

  “Then why are you still standing here?” Marty laughed and gave his broad shoulder a gentle shove. She watched as he walked away. Her happy visage fell when she looked back at her mother.

  “I’m impressed and worried.” Denise crossed her arms over her chest, an action she’d perfected during Marty’s teenage years.

  “By what?” Marty gulped her beer and concentrated on resisting the urge to look behind her and watch Blake greet his fiancée.

  “Your ability to lie so well.”

  “I didn’t lie, not completely, anyway.” Marty looked around to make sure all the guests were involved in conversations that would cover her words. “Suzanne is important to me, and he does seem like a nice guy. The friendship part was a bit far-fetched, though.”

  “I’d say.” Denise chuckled and moved to slyly look around her daughter at the couple in question.

  Marty looked too, against her better judgment. Suzanne wrapped her arm around Blake’s as she stood stiffly at his side. Marty noticed she said very little as he conversed with her old friends, but she kept casting short glances in Marty’s direction.

  “I should be discouraging you, you know?” Denise looked her daughter in the eye once again. “The last thing a mother should do is support her child in trying to steal someone’s fiancée away.”

  “Then why are you?” Marty was genuinely curious.

  “Because I believe Abigail was right.”

  No more explanation was needed. Marty saw the little girl’s written words when she closed her eyes.

  She loves you too.

  *

  Suzanne pulled back the comforter of her king-sized bed with a flourish, allowing the sheet beneath to get caught up and float freely in the air for a moment. She carefully analyzed each of the muddled thoughts from that evening.

  “Did you have fun?” Blake asked from across the bed. He was already stripped down to his boxer briefs and climbing into bed.

  “I did.” Suzanne tugged at the hem of her oversized T-shirt before joining Blake between the covers. She shifted around and settled her back against the front of his body. Blake held her in place by wrapping his arm around her waist.

  “You seemed like you did.” He kissed the side of her neck gently. His stubble scraped against her skin, causing Suzanne to flinch. “It made me very happy to see you like that.” He kissed the back of her neck again, and this time the stubble didn’t bother her as much. She even leaned back to find more contact.

  “Did you have fun? I know Annmarie can be a bit much sometimes,” Suzanne said with a smile.

  “I had a wonderful time because I was with you.” Blake tightened his grip around Suzanne and drew her closer into his embrace.

  Suzanne smiled contently as she basked in this feeling of intimacy. It was nice to feel loved and protected. Sleep started to take her when she felt Blake toying with the bottom of her shirt. His touch moved from material to her skin, he traced her upper thighs and over to the side seam of her underwear. Suzanne pulled away. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” Blake sighed and rolled onto his back. Suzanne turned to look at him. “I just got my signals mixed up, that’s all.”

  “Signals?” Suzanne asked.

  “You were very touchy-feely all night, especially later on. I thought you were trying to tell me something.” Blake winked.

  Suzanne tried to remember what Blake was referring to, and she felt ashamed when she recalled it. Marty had walked off to join Tess in the far corner of the yard away from any curious ears and had engaged in what looked to be a rather intimate conversation. Tess was leaning in close, and once Marty had reached out to take the other woman’s hand, Suzanne wrapped herself around Blake and peppered his neck with kisses. “I suppose I could blame the alcohol for that.” Her face reddened with embarrassment.

  “You had one beer! You don’t have to blame anything.” Blake laughed. “It was nice. And if you’re not ready, I’ll wait. I have no problem waiting for you.” Blake reached out and brushed his thumb along Suzanne’s cheekbone.

  Suzanne looked at the man before her. His eyes were soft with kindness, and he lay with a smile regardless of the history that weighed her down. She took in his physical presence, his well-muscled chest with a spray of fine hairs across it and defined abdomen that had once captivated her with its peaks and valleys. Blake was a very attractive man. So why was Suzanne struggling to keep her focus on him? She’d told Marty to move on because she had done so herself, and it looked like Marty was heeding her advice with Tess Dwyer.

  “I’m ready.” Suzanne shifted to lie atop a very surprised Blake. “I’m ready,” she whispered again and told herself she truly meant it.

  And Suddenly They Were Mothers

  Five months had passed since Abigail was born. She’d brought such joy, such challenge to their everyday lives that Marty and Suzanne never knew what to expect each morning when they awoke hours before their alarm. Marty had noticed a change in Suzanne, but she’d also noticed it in herself. They weren’t playful wives and romantic partners anymore. They were mothers.

  Marty dug another burping cloth out from between their couch cushions. “I’m so glad my mother agreed to take Abigail today.”

  “It hardly took convincing.”

  “True.” Marty smiled at Suzanne and looked back to the pile of toys at her feet. Their kid wasn’t even six months old, and they had already spread out every last gadget and gizmo they had received at their baby shower. They wanted to make sure Abigail knew she had options when it came to entertainment. Her life didn’t have to revolve around peek-a-boo.

  “I feel like we haven’t been able to really clean in forever.”

  Marty stared at her.

  “What?” Suzanne asked.

  “I never thought I’d see the day where you got excited over cleaning.”

  Suzanne had grown the most over the past few months. She had matured in ways Marty didn’t even consider, and she had grown substantially as a person. Suzanne was a natural mother. Marty was so proud of her wife, but she was also observant enough to pick up on new insecurities and distractions. Marty twisted the small cloth around her fingers as she watched Suzanne buzz around the kitchen. A baggy gray sweatshirt hung from her frame, the title Jersey Girl was scrawled proudly across her breasts, and matching pants completed the outfit along with whatever mismatched socks Suzanne had chosen that morning. She hadn’t strayed far from that uniform since Abigail’s birth, and that was very unlike Suzanne Dempsey. And it wasn’t like Marty found her unattractive—Suzanne found herself unattractive.

  Marty moved quickly, her cotton pajama pants not making a sound as she made her way into the kitchen. She stood in front of Suzanne. She looked at her face, taking in her tired features and the beauty she had memorized over the years. A beauty that filled her heart completely.

  “I love you.” Marty stepped forward and trapped her wife between her lean body and the kitchen counter. She ignored the surprised look on Suzanne’s face, but she also saw Suzanne formulate her escape plan. She wasn’t getting away this time. Marty grabbed the shorter woman’s wrists and brought them behind her back. With one hand, she held them firmly. “Trust me?”

  Suzanne nodded.

  Marty leaned in slowly, bringi
ng her lips within millimeters of Suzanne’s, close enough to feel her small exhale. Just as she was about to close the distance, just as Suzanne puckered in anticipation, Marty ran her tongue along the bow of Suzanne’s upper lip. Marty moved to her lower lip, biting down gently before kissing her. Once Marty felt her actions being mirrored, she pushed further. What started as a gentle kiss turned quickly to a burning flame of forgotten passion. Suzanne parted her lips parted eagerly, and Marty moved in to taste her. Marty kissed her, pulling back as Suzanne groaned in displeasure.

  “You’re so beautiful.” Marty brushed her moist lips against Suzanne’s ear. She spoke barely above a whisper, too afraid to break the sensuality of the moment.

  “No, I’m not.” Suzanne’s firm response caused Marty to pull back and look into doubtful indigo eyes.

  “You are.” Marty kissed Suzanne before continuing. “You’re beautiful and so fucking sexy.” She released Suzanne’s wrists and gripped the counter while she felt beneath her sweatshirt. Suzanne jumped at the first caress across her soft belly. She may not have been as toned as she once was, but Suzanne was womanly. Just the feel of such femininity beneath her fingertips made Marty wet.

  “You don’t see what I see,” Marty said quietly, making sure her hot breath ghosted across the sensitive skin behind Suzanne’s ear. “You don’t know what you do to me.” She scraped her manicured nails along Suzanne’s ribs before palming one of her heavy breasts. Despite Suzanne’s recent aversion to intimacy, her body responded to the touch instantly. Her nipple hardened against the center of Marty’s palm. It took all Marty’s willpower not to pinch and pull and rush them along to the oblivion she knew they both missed desperately. Instead, she traced the material of Suzanne’s worn bra in lazy, indistinct patterns. Suzanne whimpered whenever Marty drew closer to her straining nipples. Suzanne put her head on Marty’s shoulder.

  “How?” Suzanne’s question was nearly lost in a panting breath.

  “How what?” Marty released the counter and ran her fingers through the short hairs at the back of Suzanne’s head. She still marveled at the softness of her golden locks. Her other hand dropped to her wife’s lower back.

  “How could you want me?” Suzanne asked in a small voice, shaky with disbelief.

  Marty kissed her temple. “How could I not?”

  “I’m still fat and I have stretch—” Marty put her finger on Suzanne’s lips.

  “I’ll always want you.” Suzanne shook her head, which would have frustrated Marty if it weren’t for the lust clouding her mind. “Don’t believe me?” Marty gripped Suzanne’s right hand and put it down the front of her pants. Suzanne didn’t need any direction from the there. The blonde gasped the moment her fingertips came into contact with her drenched skin. Dormant, familiar sensations crawled their way along Marty’s spine as she fought against the urge to grind against Suzanne’s hand. She wanted Suzanne to explore and really feel the evidence of her desire.

  “Shit, Marty, you’re so wet.” Suzanne pressed into her, rubbing herself against the back of her hand as she ran her fingers through delicate folds.

  “And all I did was grab your boob.” Marty’s small chuckle died the moment Suzanne circled her fluttering opening with her fingertip. Suzanne slid her finger in easily, pulling the trigger on Marty’s cocked and ready passion. Marty palmed both of Suzanne’s breasts roughly, scraping her thumbnails over sensitive, turgid nipples. Suzanne continued a steady, quick pace of in and out with her finger for a moment before pulling out and rubbing tight circles around Marty’s throbbing clit.

  The amount of pleasure thrumming throughout Marty’s body was sinful, and she wanted to share it with her lover. She felt along Suzanne’s soft belly and down to the waistband of her sweatpants. Just as she dipped the tips of her fingers beneath the elastic and teased top of her perfectly trimmed hairline, the front door swung open and a loud cry filled the quiet home. The women separated hastily and tried to straighten their appearances. Suzanne started washing her hands at the sink while Marty leaned against the counter and tried to catch her breath.

  “We’re back!” Denise entered the kitchen, bouncing Abigail against her chest in her best effort to soothe the upset infant. “She’s fed and changed, but I think she’s missing her mommies.”

  Suzanne dried her hands and took her daughter in her arms. As she passed Marty, she whispered, “We’ll finish this later.”

  Marty looked on with love-filled eyes as Suzanne lifted Abigail to the sky. In the blink of an eye, she stopped crying and a smile lit up her chubby face.

  Later that night, seconds after Abigail had finally settled in her crib, Marty walked into the bedroom to find Suzanne spread out naked on their bed, sound asleep. They didn’t make love then, but they awoke before the sun and relished the quiet intimacy only a still world could provide. They indulged and they worshiped their bare skin until Abigail woke up. The balancing act wasn’t easy, but they were finally figuring out how to be mothers and be themselves at the same time.

  Chapter Nine

  Suzanne finished rubbing the sunscreen onto the rim of her right ear just before Blake emerged from the bathroom all smiles. His mood had improved significantly since the physical shift in their relationship, but this smile was different. “You’re really excited to play golf today,” she said, observing his almost giddy state.

  “It’s been a long time. Even longer since I managed to get my brother to tag along!” Blake tugged on the brim of his baseball cap. He appeared thoughtful for a minute before sliding it to the side and leaning in to kiss Suzanne lightly. “I see you’re preparing for a day out. Where are you heading?”

  Suzanne fought a grimace. There wasn’t much internal debate before answering, “Marty’s taking the boat out and asked me to join her.” She forced a laugh. “She probably wanted to ask someone else, but I’m the only person she knows that has sailing knowledge.” Blake finished getting ready and walked to the front door in silence. Suzanne’s heart was beating anxiously. Should she say more? “I don’t have to go,” she whispered.

  “Yes, you do.” Blake looked into her eyes. “I’ve been telling you to go out, to not sit home if you don’t have to. A day out on the water will be good for you.”

  “But…” Suzanne wanted to argue, but why would she? She didn’t want to turn down Marty’s invitation. She missed the boat, and Blake was right. A day out on the water would be good for her.

  They stood together in front of the door, neither adding to their conversation but not making an effort to end it, either. Blake finally made a move once his brother drove up and honked his horn. Blake opened the front door for Suzanne. She grabbed the bag she had packed earlier and walked out to the car.

  “Hey, Suzanne!” Blake’s brother called out from his idling SUV. “When will you come play with us?”

  “Never!” She chuckled and turned back to Blake. “Have fun.”

  “You too.” He kissed her again, this time with the brim awkwardly between them. “Not too much, though.”

  Suzanne wanted to dish out a comeback, but he was in the car and on his way already. His words echoed in her head and settled like lead in her gut. She got in the car and started to drive, all the while analyzing her thoughts and motivations.

  “What are you doing?” Suzanne didn’t answer her own question. “You know this is a bad idea.” The sun was shining beautifully, and the temperature was surprisingly warm for the tail end of a New Jersey summer. But the weather didn’t surprise Suzanne. Neither did Marty’s early morning invitation to go out on the boat. But Suzanne was definitely surprised by her own eager acceptance. “A really, really, bad idea.” Suzanne reprimanded herself aloud.

  The whirring sound of her car’s air-conditioning surrounded her as she drove the well-known route to the docks. Blake was enjoying the beautiful day, why should she feel guilty for doing the same? Suzanne’s logical reasoning had come easily as she picked out a bathing suit and packed up a few essentials into her small messenger bag, b
ut as she parked and got out of the car, she couldn’t help but mutter one last time, “Bad idea.”

  She walked the planks of the dock confidently despite her anxiety-ridden legs. She knew their boat—Marty’s boat—was in the same slip year after year, and she found it easily. The large sailboat moved gently with the calm waves that splashed below. Suzanne froze for a moment as she watched Marty from afar milling about on the deck of the boat. Suzanne inhaled deeply, the earthy scent of the bay calming her jittery nerves. She moved forward and called out.

  “Permission to come aboard?”

  Marty spun around in search of the voice. “Hey!” She extended a hand. “Come on up.” Her bright smile was all the encouragement Suzanne needed.

  “How’s SAM been doing?”

  “She’s been doing well, I guess.” Marty cleared her throat and took Suzanne’s bag from her, placing it next to a cooler. “It’s late in the season for a first run, but I didn’t want to leave her wrapped up for another full year. Plus, it’s a good reason to get out and enjoy this weather. Ready?”

  The routine was always the same: untying the boat, starting the engine, steering, and prepping the sails. Suzanne remembered what a great team they made whenever they took SAM out, even if they hadn’t done it in years.

  Suzanne would never forget the day they had purchased the boat the summer Abigail was born. Marty had wanted one for so long, and Suzanne was nearly speechless at the excitement her wife exuded as they shopped around. Choosing a name was the hardest part, but when Suzanne noticed the way Marty’s eyes lit up after opening a congratulations card from one of her coworkers, she knew they had found it. Listed in the top left corner were the names of their small family members: Suzanne, Abigail, and Marty. SAM was adhered to the arch board the very next day.

  “How long has it been since the last time we did this?” Suzanne asked as she stood beside Marty in the small alcove that held the steering wheel. The hum of the engine and the sound of water rushing around them soothed Suzanne more deeply than it ever had. Marty didn’t answer.