Life in Death

by M. Ullrich

  “So, what have you been up to lately?” Carla asked her sister casually. “It’s been a while since the last time we’ve seen you. How are you? I don’t want to pry, but I want to know if you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine.” Suzanne paused in order to listen in on her mother talking to her brother-in-law about how hard the business world used to be on women, and how it still is. “I’m doing much better than Daniel is right now.” The two women giggled conspiratorially.

  “But seriously, I’m hanging in there. I’m keeping busy with work, and Blake has been a good support system.” Suzanne gripped Blake’s hand and looked sadly at little Danny. “Some days are harder than others. Some mornings I wonder if it’s even worth getting out of bed.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. She hadn’t shared these thoughts, these feelings with anyone until now. Suzanne figured she needed to keep it a secret, a cross she had to bear in silence. Blake held her hand tighter. She looked at him guiltily.

  “It is worth it because we love you. Especially Danny. He adores his aunt.”

  “And I am absolutely crazy about him.” She looked tenderly at the boy, who was now bored by his grandfather and trying to stand on his chair.

  “He’s been asking for Marty.”

  “Has he?” Suzanne relinquished her hold on Blake’s hand before returning her attention to her full wineglass. She looked at the crisp liquid as she swirled it around.

  “How is she doing? Have you talked to her?” She grinned delicately.

  “If you asked her, she’d tell you she’s doing as well as can be expected.” Suzanne wanted to end the conversation when she felt Blake shift uncomfortably beside her, but Carla wasn’t having it.

  “But…”

  “But she’s not. I can tell she’s not.” Suzanne recalled the morning her ex-wife had arrived at the library searching so desperately for her. “I don’t think she’s sleeping very well. And she has that look in her eye, that hard one like she had after we lost the first baby, you know?” Suzanne waited for Carla to nod. “I don’t know if it’ll go away this time, though.”

  “I’ve wanted to call her, but I wasn’t sure if that’d be weird.”

  “She would like that. She’d really like to hear from that little guy too.”

  “How are the wedding plans coming, dear?” Angela scooted her chair closer to her daughters and looked at Suzanne expectantly.

  “They’re not. I’m not quite ready for a ceremony yet.” Suzanne sighed. “Blake and I are happy to enjoy a long engagement.” She smiled at her silent fiancé. His eyes were on her, but he looked distant. She wondered if they were really on the same page.

  “I’m so glad you could make it tonight, Blake. I’m sure a man with such an honorable job is a busy man,” Angela said with her most charming smile.

  “I have long hours, sure, but I get time off just like anyone else.” He cleared his throat. “Which is nice because that means I get to spend more time with Suzanne.”

  Blake looked at Suzanne, and her heart sank slightly. He looked so proud, so content, and all she could think about was how she couldn’t wait to set up a play date between Marty and their—her nephew.

  “You know, Suzanne, you should be very grateful that he’s as crazy about you as he is,” Angela said. An air of unease settled over the table. Even Jeff Carlson shifted uncomfortably.

  “And why is that, Mother?”

  “Considering your past? You should be eager to marry a man who’s so forgiving.”

  “I don’t think—” Blake’s reply got shot down by Suzanne’s instant reaction.

  “Forgiving? What is it that I need to be forgiven for exactly?” Suzanne didn’t even try to tamp down her rising voice. “Being married once before, or being married to a woman?”

  “Who’s ready for dessert?” Daniel stood and tried to offer a distraction. The only attention he got was from his five-year-old son.

  “If Suzanne wants to take her time getting married, that’s her choice, Ma, not yours.”

  “But thanks for your permission!” Suzanne snapped at her sister.

  “Our decision really.” Blake sat back, ignored.

  “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” Carla inhaled deeply and looked from her mother to sister. “Let’s just change the subject. You’ve got some great color,” she said as she looked Suzanne over. “Have you been to the beach?”

  “No, I was out on the boat.” Suzanne was ready to fight. Her mother always brought that side of her out.

  “Oh man, I miss that boat!”

  “Martha doesn’t mind you taking the boat?”

  “We took it out together.” Suzanne squared her shoulders.

  “And Blake?” Usually stoic, Angela looked shocked at her future son-in-law.

  “I—”

  “Was playing golf with his friends,” Suzanne answered for him. Her fury gave her tunnel vision, making her oblivious to the man next to her.

  “He was fine with you spending time with your former partner?”

  “Wife!” Suzanne shouted and slammed her palm down on the table. “She was my wife, Mother, the woman I raised my child with.” Even though she willed herself not to cry, she couldn’t help it. “My marriage failed, and I lost my daughter, and you can barely acknowledge either simply because Marty is a woman.” Her eyes bore into Angela. “I need some air.”

  Suzanne pushed back from the table and went out the back door, waiting until she was outside before letting out a growl of frustration. The night was cool and quiet. Her parents’ deck offered the perfect sense of solitude for the kind of introspection Suzanne’s mother always forced upon her. With a graceless thud, she sat down on one wooden step and held her face in her hands.

  When she looked up again, her childhood backyard seemed less magical. She searched her mind for memories to distract her, memories of their shed and the tire swing that hung from the large tree in the back. But none of those memories were able to drown out thoughts of Marty. Thoughts of how good it felt to be with her, to laugh along with her, and especially how good it felt to touch her. The almost kiss was something she had fought hard to forget, but it still burned beneath her flesh. When the wind picked up through the yard and brushed against her face, it felt like Marty’s breath crossing her lips. Suzanne jumped when the back door opened.

  “Approach at your own risk,” Suzanne warned, assuming it was Blake.

  “I’ve dealt with you in worse times.” Carla took a seat beside Suzanne and looked at her. “I’m sorry about all that.”

  “You don’t have to apologize for her.” Suzanne looked at Carla thoughtfully. “Where’s Blake?”

  “I told him to let me handle this one. It seemed more like a sisterly situation.”

  “Thanks.” Suzanne sighed in relief. She was embarrassed and angry. Blake didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of that.

  “Of course. I know I don’t have to apologize for her, but she was never fair to you, and she was especially never fair to Marty. She was just never comfortable with the idea.”

  “And that makes it okay?” Suzanne was exasperated, but all the fight had left her tone.

  “No, but she thinks it does. She loves you unconditionally, but when she’s not comfortable with something she’s not even willing to try to be.” Carla shrugged. “If only she were more like Dad.”

  “Has anything fazed him since we were teenagers?”

  “Not since you dyed your hair purple and came home with a nose ring.” Suzanne snorted at the memory. When the laughter died down and nothing but crickets filled the air once more, Carla finally asked, “Will you tell me about your sailing session? Keep it PG rated, please.”

  “Nothing happened.” Suzanne pushed at her sister’s shoulder with her own. “Marty was taking the boat out and invited me. Since I wasn’t doing anything, I took her up on her offer.”

  “And nothing happened?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s surprising.”

  “We�
��re just friends, Carla, nothing more. We’re trying really hard to rebuild something that’ll allow us to be in each other’s lives without any grudges.”

  “How’s that going?”

  “It’s hard. It’s very hard.”

  “Because you’re holding a grudge?”

  “Because I’m not holding a grudge and I feel like I should be!” Suzanne ran her fingers through her short hair and scratched at her scalp. “I feel like I should be mad at her. I should blame her for this constant pain in my chest, but I don’t. I’m not mad at her. This pain won’t go away because it’s from missing Abby and the life we had with her.”

  “You do realize how crazy that sounds, right?”

  “What?”

  “You’re trying to hate your ex-wife when your first instinct is to not hate your ex-wife. You’re missing a life you had with Abby and Marty. You will always carry Abby’s memory with you. That pain will never leave your heart, but do you really think a friendship with Marty will be enough to make you happy again? Really, truly happy?”

  “It’ll have to.” Suzanne looked at her sister, defeat weighing down her body and shimmering in her eyes. “I’m with Blake now.”

  “You could break up with him,” Carla said casually.

  “I can’t, not after everything he’s done. He’s been so supportive, and he was so wonderful with Abigail. I can’t hurt him.” Suzanne stood and straightened her jeans and button-up blouse. “We can be happy together.” Her voice was unconvincing. “We have to be. I might be pregnant.” Carla stood quickly and made it to the door first. She held the knob securely to keep Suzanne where she was.

  “You might be pregnant?” Carla’s eyes widened. “What the hell does that mean?”

  Suzanne’s heart sped up. “I don’t—it’s not…” Suzanne took a shaky breath. “We haven’t been very careful, and I know how these things work.”

  “Are you late? Did you take a test?”

  “No!” Suzanne looked through the window and spotted Blake talking to her brother-in-law. “I’m due any day now, and all I can think about is what if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready for another child. Marty and I were parents together. I managed to raise a child because of a partnership. We were a team, and I don’t want that with—” Suzanne stopped abruptly, and her face flushed. She was ashamed of what she was about to say.

  “You don’t owe him anything, you know?” Suzanne looked at Carla with large, glistening eyes. “Listen, I’ve been in a room with both you and Marty and you and Blake.” Suzanne narrowed her eyes at her sister, wondering where this was going. “I’ve never seen two people look as in love as you and Marty. You two looked at each other like no one else in the world existed. It was disgusting for the longest time, and then I realized that I wasn’t disgusted by it. I envied it. You and Blake? He may look at you like that, but you sure as hell know there’s someone else in this world when you’re looking at him.”

  Once her speech was finished, Carla bounded into the house and scooped up her son.

  Suzanne stood stunned in the doorway. Since when is Carla the smart one?

  *

  “So, how was your day with Suzanne?” Denise Dempsey was bursting with curiosity. Marty had decided to enjoy Sunday dinner with her, the first Sunday dinner since Abigail had passed. Marty hadn’t been ready to continue that tradition without the most crucial player in her everyday life. But over the past couple of months she had been trying to resume a life Abby would be proud of her for living. “Did you have a good time?”

  “Yeah.” Marty was tempted to drown out her mother’s question with the hand mixer she had poised over a bowl of boiled potatoes, cream, and butter. She gave into that temptation. The potatoes won’t mash themselves. That only bought her a few minutes of distraction.

  “Did you two talk?” Denise looked over the rim of her glasses as she dished out a spoonful of peas next to a healthy portion of roast beef.

  “Of course we talked. Did you think I took her on a silent boat ride?” Marty chortled and poured them both a glass of red wine.

  “You know exactly what I mean, and I do not appreciate your sarcasm.”

  “I’m sorry.” Marty allowed herself to think as she chewed. There really wasn’t much to tell, and she surely wasn’t going to tell her mother about how Suzanne wound up on top of her. She swallowed. “We talked some, but not about anything important. Mostly about the past.”

  “Reliving memories is a good start. She’ll remember how good her life was when she was with you.”

  Marty nodded gently. “It felt good. I know we haven’t been apart for a long time really, but when I look at her, I feel like it’s been much, much longer.”

  “That’s because it has been. I told you we needed to talk, and this is exactly why. Ever since Abigail got sick, you two hadn’t been the same.”

  “Of course not, we were helpless.”

  “And it is understandable how two parents change once their child is diagnosed with such a serious illness, but you two acted as if you had separated then. Like your plan was to divide and conquer.”

  Marty resigned herself to the truth. Her mother was right, and she saw it then too. They had never faced the obstacle together. The way Suzanne accused her of never being around at the hospital haunted Marty every night when she struggled to sleep.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You didn’t.” Marty felt the tear on her cheek run toward her chin, “I just didn’t see it until the end. By then, it was too late.” She sat back in her chair.

  “Neither of you saw it.” Denise reached across the table and gripped Marty’s hand.

  “I was so blind—”

  “No, you weren’t!” Marty’s mother shut her down immediately. “Your sole focus was on your child, just like any good parent.”

  “But if I had just been there more, called a couple more times, maybe if I had told her I loved her more…” Marty looked down at her mother’s hand and swallowed the pain in her throat. She took a deep, shaky breath through her nose. “We could’ve been okay.”

  “Did Suzanne try? Did she reach out to you and ask for or offer help through all of this?”

  “No, but that’s Suzie. She doesn’t ask for help or talk about things when she’s really upset or scared. She prefers to hide them until they go away or work through it herself. I was her wife. I should have made her talk to me, and I should’ve done everything in my power to give her the help she needed.” Marty started to sob.

  “Martha, look at me,” Denise demanded gently. When Marty looked at her with watery jade eyes, she set her posture firmly. “You will not cry over the past, do you hear me?” Marty nodded. “You will carry Abigail in your heart as you find happiness in the future. Her memories will assist you and Suzanne as you rebuild what has only been fractured, not broken. You two are far from broken.”

  “I hope you’re right, Mom.” Marty lowered her head and rested it on their joined hands. “God, I hope you’re right.”

  And Lived Happily Ever After

  The road seemed more like bumpy, patchy pavement. Unusual for their neighborhood, but they had only been driving for five minutes. How far and in what direction did they go? Suzanne kept her ears open in hopes of catching a telltale sign of their surroundings, but Marty was careful to keep the radio turned up. Normally, this would annoy Suzanne. She hated being clueless, and she really wasn’t a fan of surprises. But when Marty and Abigail woke her up that morning with bright smiles and breakfast in bed, Suzanne was ready for any plans on the horizon. She just hadn’t expected the blindfold.

  “Are we there yet?” She spoke loudly enough to be heard over the constant strum of a guitar and pounding drums. “This blindfold is making me dizzy.”

  “No it’s not.” Marty placed her right hand on Suzanne’s thigh. “You’re just anxious because you hate surprises.”

  “Says the woman insisting on surprising me.”

  “It’s our wedding anniversary, the first anniv
ersary we’re actually celebrating since Abby was born. It should be special.”

  “It’d still be special without making me blind.”

  “Hush.” Marty took the next turn a bit sharper than necessary, causing Suzanne to topple slightly to the side. Just as she opened her mouth to scold Marty, the car came to a stop. “We’re here.”

  Suzanne waited impatiently for Marty to exit the car and come around to open her door. Once Suzanne had both feet on the ground, she started speaking again.

  “You know I can still hear and smell, right? I know we’re at the docks.” She felt Marty grab on to her bicep and pull her gently forward, and let Marty guide her down the familiar planks, the sound of small waves crashing against wooden piles surrounding her.

  “Your detective skills never cease to amaze me, Suzie. Here we are.” Marty stripped away the blindfold with a flourish and looked triumphant when Suzanne’s blue eyes flew open and sparkled with surprise.

  SAM’s deck was lined with white Christmas lights, with a large blanket spread out in the center, covered with plush pillows. Next to the makeshift bed was a bottle of champagne on ice and cooler with what the blonde could only assume was some sort of delectable goodies.

  “Martha Dempsey! This is beautiful,” Suzanne said.

  Marty grinned wildly, an almost shy expression taking over as she dug the heel of her stiletto into the dock. “Jeez, we’ve been together for years, and it’s weird to hear you call me that.” She scratched at the back of her neck as Suzanne chuckled. “You really like it?”

  “I love it.” Suzanne stepped forward and looked up into shimmering green eyes. “And I love you.” Tilting on the toes of her black loafers, Suzanne kissed Marty softly and wrapped her arms around her lithe waist, reveling in the smooth material of the little black dress Marty had chosen for the occasion. She let the kiss deepen as she continued to feel along the curves of Marty’s sides down to mid-thigh, where the telltale signs of a garter belt lay. She swallowed hard. “I like this dress too.” She spoke against Marty’s smiling mouth.

  “I imagined you would.” Marty’s voice was deep, smoky, and arousing as she pulled away. She extended her left hand. “Shall we?”