Can't Fight the Feeling

by Sandy James

  She didn’t know Russ’s father’s name, so out of habit, she called, “Sir? Are you in here?”

  Another chuckle helped her focus on the direction of the sound. She started walking between the shelving units.

  “Sir?”

  “You found me!” A man stepped out from between two of the sets of shelves to her left. “I thought I had a good hiding place!”

  “You did. It took us a long time to find you,” Joslynn said.

  “Sharon?” When he tilted his head, she saw clearly the resemblance between father and son. All Russ had to do was look at his father to see himself in another twenty-five years. The same face shape, bright eyes, and short light hair, albeit his father had a peppering of gray at his temples.

  “My name is Joslynn. Would you like to go upstairs to see Yvonne and Russ?”

  “I was hiding from Yvonne. I thought she wanted to play. She loves to have fun.”

  Holding out her hand, Jos nodded. “She’ll be glad I found you.”

  He took her hand. “I’m glad to see you, Sharon.”

  “I’m Joslynn,” She led him out of the storage room and then the utility room, turning off the lights and shutting the doors behind her.

  Dragging his feet, he pointed at the rack of pool cues. “Do you wanna play a game of pool?”

  “No, thank you. Yvonne is worried. We should go see her.”

  With a pouty lip, he followed her up the stairs.

  “I found him!” Joslynn called. “Russ? Yvonne?”

  Heavy footfalls sounded upstairs, and as she led him toward the family room, Russ came bounding down the stairs. “Dad!”

  Yvonne hurried in from the back of the house. “Baron! I was so worried.”

  Baron Green dropped Jos’s hand and wrapped his arms around Yvonne when she threw herself against him.

  “Where was he?” Russ asked, coming to stand next to Joslynn.

  “He was in the basement storage room, playing hide-and-seek.”

  Easing back, Yvonne frowned at her husband. “Hide-and-seek?”

  “You like playing games,” Baron announced.

  “When I know I’m playing them,” Yvonne scolded.

  “You hid, so I did too.” He pointed at Joslynn. “Sharon knew.”

  “Who’s Sharon?” Jos asked.

  “His baby sister,” Russ replied. “She lives in Arizona.”

  Yvonne let out a heavy sigh. “You do look a lot like her when she was younger.” Then she swatted Baron’s chest. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again!”

  Having spent some time working geriatrics, Joslynn immediately wanted to rattle off ideas on how the Greens could make a few changes. Helpful supplies like special locks. Places where they could connect with other Alzheimer’s families to share ideas on coping. Workers that would help keep an eye on the patient when his caregiver had other activities.

  Why hadn’t Yvonne told her that her husband had Alzheimer’s when she’d visited the ER? Joslynn remembered stitching up a cut on Yvonne’s arm, and they’d chatted amicably during the procedure. Most people who were caregivers for a chronically ill spouse wanted to talk at length about their situation. Yvonne hadn’t said a word, so Joslynn had never had a chance to make suggestions about his care.

  Baron wasn’t her patient, and Jos had no business telling him what to do. She could, however, offer help. “There’s a really great social worker at my hospital who specializes in helping families with Alzheimer’s and dementia patients.”

  Pushing away from her husband, Yvonne flashed Joslynn a rather fierce frown. “We don’t need a social worker. I can handle things fine by myself.”

  Ah. So that’s the way of it.

  Yvonne’s pride was keeping her from asking for the help she clearly needed—a problem that was common enough for Joslynn to understand and sympathize with. Jos figured there wasn’t a single thing she could recommend that Yvonne would accept since she was intent on caring for Baron all by herself.

  * * *

  Russ bristled at his mother’s quick dismissal of Josie’s suggestion that they get some help.

  Ever since his father’s diagnosis, his mother had been killing herself trying to show that she was capable of giving Baron everything he needed. It had taken a lot of heated arguing just to get her to agree to have the housekeepers come once a week.

  “Maybe I can talk to the social worker,” he offered, not surprised when his mother’s frown was quickly focused on him. Her need to stand on her own two feet was admirable, but in this case not necessarily wise.

  “You’ll do no such thing,” Yvonne insisted. Taking her husband’s hand, she announced, “We should have breakfast now.” A glance back. “Would you two like some oatmeal?”

  Russ looked to Josie, who gave him a quick shake of her head. “No thanks, Mom. Josie is exhausted. She’s a nurse and works nights. I should get her home so she can get some rest.”

  Instead of grilling him over the fact that he’d brought his new girlfriend here, Yvonne merely nodded and led Baron to the kitchen.

  Once Russ and Josie were back in his SUV and leaving his parents’ driveway, he figured he owed her an explanation. “Dad’s only fifty-eight. He was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s last year. Mom swears she doesn’t want their lives to change because of it.”

  “I hate to say it, Russ, but that’s a bit naïve.”

  He let out a sigh. “I know. But what am I supposed to do?”

  “Your homework. The more you know about the illness, the more suggestions you’ll be able to offer to help them. Would you like me to contact the social worker? Just because your mother doesn’t want to talk to her doesn’t mean that you can’t learn how to help anyway.”

  Although conditioned childhood obedience wanted to kick in, he nodded. Josie was right—he needed to learn more about what his parents faced.

  “There are a lot of simple things they could do that would prevent things like what happened today,” she said. “Your mom just needs to be willing to let someone else give her a hand.”

  A snort slipped out. “Not likely, but I’ll try.”

  Her palm covered his thigh. “I’ll help any way I can.”

  “You mean learning this deep, dark secret isn’t going to send you running for the exit?”

  “It’s not a deep, dark anything,” she insisted.

  It was hard to have this conversation when he was still driving because he wanted to see her eyes. Thankfully, they were close to the restaurant. “You’re not worried about the genetic connection?” It was a deeper question than it seemed on the surface. They’d been a couple only a short time, and should she admit any concern about Russ one day being affected, she might also be admitting that she’d developed feelings for him.

  “Genetics isn’t everything,” Josie replied. “Have you been tested to see if you have the gene?”

  Russ shook his head. “Not sure I want to know…Maybe someday.”

  “From what I’ve learned, it’s like a lock and a key,” Josie said. “You need both. Genetics might give you the lock, but something in the environment is the key that opens that lock. You’re not necessarily going to have the same fate as your father.”

  “So I can go ahead and have the six kids I was planning on?” he teased as he pulled up next to her car.

  A glance to her face found a frown every bit as ferocious as the one his mother had given her earlier.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You want kids?”

  “Well, yeah. Not six,” he said with a chuckle. “But a couple might be nice.”

  Her frown didn’t ease.

  Russ picked up her hand. “Tell me what’s got you so upset.”

  “I guess since you told me about your father, I should confess my own deep, dark secret.”

  “You have a secret?”

  She let out a sigh before nodding. “Now that we’re a couple, I have something I should probably tell you…I can’t have children.”

  C
hapter Ten

  Joslynn hadn’t meant to tell Russ that secret, to just blurt it out like that. But after what she’d learned about his father and the fact that he’d been so open with her about the battle his parents faced, she felt the need to be every bit as candid about her life.

  “How do you know you can’t have kids?” he asked.

  “When I was ten, I started feeling really terrible. I was exhausted. I had no appetite. Every time something touched my skin, I got a bruise.”

  Pulling into the parking spot next to her car, Russ killed the engine and turned to stare at her. “Do you want to tell me this over breakfast since we missed it?”

  She shook her head. “Let me spit it all out. Please.”

  He took her hand. “Okay. Tell me.”

  “Things only got worse. My gums would bleed for no reason. I had a bunch of nosebleeds. Then, out of nowhere, I had a grand mal seizure. When they took me to the hospital, they ran a bunch of tests. Turned out I had leukemia.”

  “Oh my God.”

  An ironic smile crossed her lips. “Yeah, that’s exactly what my mom said.”

  “What happened?” he asked. “I mean, you obviously beat it.” He squeezed her fingers. “You’re sitting here with me now.”

  “Damn right I beat it. I got a tattoo to prove it. Did you see the butterfly—back at the pool in Georgia?”

  He nodded.

  “I got it when I turned eighteen to show I’d won.”

  He nodded again. “I can’t imagine how horrible leukemia would be.”

  “Yeah, chemotherapy sucks, but sometimes it works.” Saying chemo sucked was an understatement, but she wasn’t about to whine about something that had ultimately saved her life. “What you have to remember is that it’s also poison, for all intents and purposes. Sometimes there are side effects that have nothing to do with the cancer.”

  “So one of your side effects left you unable to be a mom?”

  “It’s not a hundred percent,” Joslynn admitted. “I can’t be entirely sure, but most girls who receive the chemotherapy regimen I went through end up sterile. I remember a doc telling me about it back when I was being treated, and when I became a nurse, I learned what chemo can do to a person’s chances of being a parent.”

  “Then you don’t know for sure.”

  “I don’t know for sure, but my research shows I’ve got less than a ten percent chance of having kids. My cycles have been anything but regular. I’ve never been tested or anything.”

  “Kinda like me and the Alzheimer’s gene,” Russ said. “Not sure you want to know, right?”

  “Yeah, kinda like that. I haven’t had the nerve to be tested. Not yet.” She shrugged. “I really don’t want kids anyway.”

  “You don’t?” Russ sounded shocked at the notion.

  On this she knew she would never budge. “I really don’t. I’m independent. I don’t even have a pet. I like my life the way it is. Why would I want to tie myself down with an eighteen-year burden?”

  The incredulous look he gave her made her wonder if she’d just stepped in a pile of shit. Then she realized since she truly didn’t want to have children, he needed to accept that. If he was bound and determined to be a father, this relationship they were trying to establish was doomed from the start.

  “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Russ asked.

  “Nope. Just me, and considering what I put my mom through, that was probably a good thing.”

  “Wanna tell me about your dad? I know he’s a sore spot…”

  Since she was telling the story, she figured she might as well confess all. “I think I told you that my dad left. The entire truth is that he took a hike right after my diagnosis—took his girlfriend with him. I guess he couldn’t cope with the possibility of watching his kid die. I haven’t laid eyes on him since.”

  * * *

  Now Russ understood. No wonder she wanted nothing to do with a serious relationship. The most important one she’d seen in her formative years had been between her mother and a fucking cheating coward.

  What kind of man left his daughter when she learned she had leukemia?

  Selfish bastard.

  He patted his lap. “Come here.”

  A confused frown bowed her lips. “Why?”

  “I want to hold you.”

  Even though she still looked perplexed, she slid across the bench seat.

  Russ turned her back toward him so he could wrap one arm around her shoulders while he slid his other hand under her knees. Then he lifted her onto his lap. Holding her against him, he gave her a quick kiss. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Josie shrugged before laying her head against his shoulder. “He didn’t give a shit about me. Why should I give a shit about him?”

  Although things weren’t always that simple, all Russ did was nod. Her father was obviously a sore topic, and he didn’t want to rub salt in the wound she denied she had. “You seem really healthy now.”

  “I intend to stay that way. That’s why I run, do yoga, and eat healthy. I also try to keep stress to a minimum.”

  “Yeah, you’re helping me with that, you know.”

  She smiled. “The running is doing the trick, is it?”

  “It got Brad and Ethan off my back.” He rubbed his neck. “There was a guy at the bar, a drunk, who I tossed out of the place. He threatened to sue us. Brad and Ethan said I need to get a grip.” He let out a weary sigh. “They said they might have to buy me out if I don’t get my act together. I need to stop losing my temper.”

  “So you’re running with me. Are the workouts helping?”

  He nodded. “So far, so good. I’m sleeping like a baby. I don’t go to the restaurant all the time to look for someone to take my stress out on.”

  “Not beating on your patrons now?” she teased. “Good for you. Next thing we’ll do is get you to one of my yoga classes.”

  Like that would ever happen. Because she was opening up, he decided to fire another question at her. “Since this boyfriend-girlfriend stuff is new to you, I take it you haven’t been in other relationships.” He held his breath, waiting for her to either bolt or scold him for being so nosy.

  “One,” she admitted. “In college.”

  After several moments passed without her adding anything, Russ had to resist the urge to heave another sigh. Nothing with this woman was easy, but getting her to talk about herself was the hardest thing he faced. “I almost got married once,” he said, hoping to encourage her to tell him more.

  She leaned back to look into his eyes. “Really?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Lasted all of three months before we both decided twelve was a little young to make a commitment like that.”

  Her laughter was so sweet that he didn’t even mind when she swatted his chest. “You’re being silly.”

  “I take it your college romance didn’t work out well.”

  Now she was the one to sigh, almost as though she’d resigned herself to his digging into her past. “Not well, no. Tim and I were like oil and water. There was only one place we were compatible.”

  “In bed?” he guessed.

  “Yeah. We were young enough we thought sex was all that really mattered. It wasn’t. Especially when I found out he was also very…compatible with other girls.”

  Sitting there in stunned silence, Russ wondered if he even had a chance with Josie. For shit’s sake, the woman had basically been conditioned to never trust a man. How was he supposed to get past those walls she’d built around herself?

  Time. Time and patience.

  He’d always enjoyed a good challenge, and the way he felt just holding her in his arms told him that he’d been right about her—she was someone he could love. The power of their mutual physical attraction was only icing on the cake.

  Putting his finger under Josie’s chin, Russ lifted her face to his. Then he kissed her the way he wanted to, a hot, lingering kiss that showed her how much he wanted her. She returned his passion, pushing her tongue
past his lips. He grasped it between his teeth, tugging gently.

  Her arms went around his neck as she eased toward him, pressing her breasts against his chest. As she awkwardly tried to shift her position, her knee connected with his groin.

  Stars shot through his vision as he let out a yelp and then sucked in a hissing breath.

  “Oh, Russ,” Joslynn said, carefully moving back to the seat. “I’m so sorry.”

  Hands shielding his stricken balls, he could only offer her a curt nod. Thankfully the pain began to ease, but the magic of the moment was broken.

  “Are you okay?”

  The humor threading through her voice made him frown. Through clenched teeth, he replied, “I’ll live.”

  “Sorry.” She kissed his cheek and smiled. “I guess this means we’re not going back to my place for hot sex.”

  “Not tonight.” After a few deep breaths, he felt enough relief to think about something else. “Do you work this Friday?”

  “Nope!” she replied. “For once, I have a Friday and a Saturday off.” She grinned. “At least until they call me to fill in for someone.”

  “Well, if they call for Friday, just tell them you can’t make it.”

  “Any reason why I can’t make it?”

  “Because you’re going to Brad’s with me for one of our famous Friday cookouts.”

  “A chance to see Savannah and Caroline?” she asked. “Count me in.”

  * * *

  Plate of cookies in hand, Joslynn walked up the porch steps to the Greens’ house. Even though she’d been exhausted after she and Russ had finally finished breakfast, she’d had trouble sleeping. Things had been so tense when they’d searched for Baron, and she hated to think that Yvonne might still be angry at her.

  Joslynn had caught a few hours of rest, but by late afternoon, she’d rolled herself out of bed, baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies, and printed out a slew of pamphlets meant to help families of Alzheimer’s patients. Then she’d set out to see Russ’s parents.

  Her knock was answered by Yvonne, who opened the door with wide eyes. “What on earth are you doing here?”

  Holding up cellophane-covered plate, Joslynn smiled. “I came to see how you and your husband are doing and to find out if we could start over.”