by Sandy James
But her mind wouldn’t settle, and anger began to blossom, blocking all the soothing effects of the deep breathing.
How dare they treat me like some kind of trophy to battle over!
Despite her tumbling emotions, she was cognizant that her students were watching her and waiting for direction. She called out the second pose and demonstrated the downward facing dog.
Her body seemed to be her enemy as each new pose became a fight. Her muscles refused to stretch, and when she tried to demonstrate Vrksasana, she came close to falling on her face. To try to cover her bobble, she moved between her students, helping them perfect the balance pose and hoping they didn’t realize exactly how much she was failing at the relaxation she was trying to teach them.
Why am I so jittery? And so tired lately?
She spent the most time with Russ, who seemed to enjoy himself, judging from the smile on his face as he tried to get his large body to bend and flex into the different poses. As she tried to help him hold the Vrksasana, he let out a loud laugh when he had to put both feet on the floor. Although he knew talking was verboten, he whispered, “Don’t think I can do this one, Josie.”
With a shake of her head, she put a finger to his lips.
He retaliated by kissing it before she pulled her hand back.
A self-conscious glance to Marc revealed a scowl hot enough to set Russ’s mat on fire. She couldn’t tell if he was angrier at her or Russ since he kept shifting his focus between them.
Dismissing Marc from her thoughts, she returned to the front of the studio and tried to focus on making this class pleasant for her students. By the time she demonstrated the last pose, the Shavasana, she felt a lot better than she had when class had begun.
Her students rewarded her with a smattering of applause before they rolled their mats and left to seek out their next adventures.
Heading to Russ, she waited as he rolled up his mat. “That was…interesting.”
“Sure was,” Marc said, butting into the conversation. “You seemed a bit distracted, Joslynn.”
“She was awesome,” Russ countered as he took her hand in his. “I normally hate stuff like this, but Josie made it fun.”
“Yeah, it was fun,” Marc said.
Russ’s hand settled on her shoulder. “Shouldn’t we be going?”
“I guess I should head out,” Marc said. “This was great. Maybe I’ll come to your next class.”
“There are other yoga instructors,” Russ said, anger clear in his tone.
“Yeah, well…” Marc smiled at her. “Thanks again, Joslynn. Maybe I’ll see you around.”
Glad the tension in the air eased with his parting, Joslynn let out a sigh.
So much for relaxing with yoga tonight.
She wanted to scold Russ, but considering his anxiety attack, she abstained. But she couldn’t seem to stop frowning at him.
The hand on her shoulder squeezed.
Joslynn glanced up to see Russ looking down at her, the concern plain in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said.
She simply quirked a brow.
“I promised I’d stop acting jealous.”
A point in his favor that he’d realized his error. Another point since he’d apologized without prompting.
So she offered an apology of her own. “I’m sorry Marc came to class. I talked about yoga at the barbecue, but I never expected he’d ask Savannah about my classes. How about we get some juice? Shamballa sound good?” Russ took her hand in his again and gave her a gentle squeeze. “I’ve got a better idea.”
* * *
Well aware he’d angered Josie at the yoga class, Russ wanted to make things up to her. Instead of going to the café, he’d taken her back to the Cottage and was making juice for her from scratch.
Since she’d started him on his “destress” program, he’d been eating better as well as exercising. He’d consumed more fruits and vegetables in the last few weeks than he probably had in the last six months. Tonight he was creating blueberry-banana Greek yogurt smoothies, which he hoped she’d like.
But then he’d had that panic attack and wondered if all the good he thought he’d done was entirely wasted.
There’d been no reason to be jealous of Marc. Not really. It was clear the man was attracted to Josie, but she hadn’t given him any more notice than she had the other students.
She sat on one of the kitchen island bar stools, watching him as he worked. There hadn’t been much conversation on their drive from yoga class, and because of the noise of the blender, there wasn’t much being said now. But there needed to be.
Although he’d apologized for his reaction to Marc, he probably needed to discuss it with her. His feelings for her would always have a touch of jealousy. It was simply a fact.
Pouring the purple mixture into two glasses, he stuck a straw in one and then handed it to Josie.
“Thanks,” she said before taking a drink. Then a smile filled her face. “You’re really getting a knack for these.”
“Thanks.” He took a long drink of his own.
She chuckled and pointed to her upper lip. “You’ve got a little…”
Although he could feel the smoothie mustache, he loved teasing her. “A little what?”
Instead of telling him, she set her glass down, hopped off her bar stool, and came to him. Stepping close enough they almost touched, she rose on tiptoes to lick his upper lip clean.
When she tried to step back, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him. He captured her lips and proceeded to kiss her until she put her arms around his neck and sagged against him.
As he nibbled at her ear, he whispered, “Do you know how sexy you are doing yoga?”
“I am?”
As he kissed his way to her neck, he said, “Hell yeah. How about we try a couple of those poses now?”
Her breath caught, which meant her thoughts were traveling the same road as his. “Now?”
“Now. Naked.” He eased back so he could work her shirt over her head. He tossed it toward the sofa as she kicked off her shoes. He followed suit and then whipped his T-shirt off, not caring where it ended up.
Josie took his hand and led him to the bedroom. Most of the women he’d known were hit-or-miss where sex was concerned. Not Josie. Her sex drive seemed to be every bit as high as his own, and his need for her grew with every minute he spent with her. He’d never wanted a woman like he wanted her, and he was fine with that. More than fine.
After they both finished undressing, he rolled on a condom and then inclined his head at the bed. “What was that one pose? The one where you had us on hands and knees, sucking in our stomachs and then arching our backs?”
Her responding smile was seductive. “The cat-cow.”
“Looked more doggie style to me.”
“Let me see if this is what you want…” She crawled up on the mattress, positioned herself on all fours facing away from him as she wiggled her shapely ass.
Russ found himself unable to speak as he knelt behind her. Tracing her spine with his fingertips, he was pleased to see she arched her back into his touch. He pressed his erection against her, rubbing her core as he mimicked the act he craved.
Josie pushed back against him, glancing over her shoulder, still smiling. “Don’t make me wait.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Another rock of her hips against his cock. “You won’t.”
Entering her slowly, he held tightly to her hips.
She was clearly having none of his gentleness, forcing herself back until he was impaled to the hilt. A gasp fell from her lips as she let her head fall forward.
“Are you okay?”
“Shut up and fuck me.”
Hearing those forceful words inflamed him. His girlfriend always knew exactly what she wanted. Her demand filled him with need, and he thrust into her again and again as his thighs slapped against hers.
* * *
Joslynn clenched her hands in the quilt,
anchoring herself for the storm racing through her.
Her muscles tightened as the familiar knot blossomed inside her until she came, feeling as though electricity were racing from her core to her limbs. She let out a shout, one echoed by Russ after only a few more thrusts.
He collapsed against her back, wrapping his arms around her waist as though needing to hold her through his own storm.
Easing from her, he headed to the bathroom for a few moments.
Her skin covered in a light sheen of sweat, Joslynn shivered as she scrambled under the covers. Although spring was well established, she couldn’t shake the winter cold from her bones. The older she got, the more the low temperatures bothered her—a lingering side effect of her chemotherapy, and one that would never leave her.
Russ had a contented grin on his face as he flicked off the bathroom light and then slid under the quilt. As she rolled closer to him, he put his arm around her shoulders and held her close. “That was pretty amazing.”
“It just seems to get better.”
“You sound surprised.”
She laid her check against his chest and draped her leg across his thighs. “I guess I am.”
“I love you, Josie.”
Everything inside of her reacted as though she were in danger. She scrambled off the bed and grabbed a robe, donning it and tying the belt tightly. “Don’t you dare say that.”
Russ sat up and frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Everything. Every. Fucking. Thing.
Fight or flight had full hold of Joslynn’s mind. Although this was her home, she needed to run. Fast and far.
Didn’t he realize that those words would destroy everything they’d shared?
There was no such thing as love. There was desire. Passion. Respect. Even some kinds of affection.
But love?
Love ruined everything. It always had in the past, so she couldn’t help but believe the future would hold nothing but more of the same.
She didn’t want his love.
Jerking some clothes from her bureau, she dressed, not exactly sure where she’d escape to, but she had to leave. She had to put some distance between herself and disaster.
Russ was behind her as she put on her panties and some sweatpants, but he didn’t try to stop her. A good instinct on his part, because she wasn’t sure how she’d react if he touched her. Would she strike out?
No. She could never hurt him. She cared too much for him.
So why did she feel the need to get the hell away from him?
“Josie…”
His voice was a whisper, and she couldn’t help but respond to the comforting gentleness she heard as he drew out her name. Clutching her shirt to her bare chest, she trembled.
“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart,” he said before settling a hand over hers.
Emotions in chaos, she tried to take a few deep breaths, which turned into gulps. She was hyperventilating, and her vision began to narrow into a tight tunnel. If she didn’t get a grip, she was going to end up passing out the same way Russ had.
Russ’s arms were around her, and she rested her forehead against his chest. Then she did something she hadn’t done in longer than she could remember.
Joslynn burst into tears.
Chapter Seventeen
Nothing made Russ more uncomfortable than a woman weeping. Yet as Joslynn dropped the shirt she’d held and leaned against him, he put his arms around her and smiled. Thankfully, she couldn’t see his expression with her head bowed. She’d never understand that he wasn’t mocking her. Instead, he smiled because her vulnerability gave him hope.
She’d finally revealed a chink in the armor that surrounded her heart. She didn’t love him. Not yet. But for the first time, he believed she could. Even more, he believed she would.
Rubbing his chin against the top of her head, he let her cry until she was reduced to sniffles with a few small hiccups. “Feeling better?”
Joslynn bumped his jaw as she raised her gaze to his. “I can’t believe I was crying. I never cry.”
Russ wasn’t sure what to say to that. Didn’t all women cry? He’d seen both Savannah and Chelsea cry quite a bit. His mother was a champion crier. And there were many reasons why they wept. When they were happy. When they were sad. When they were pissed.
Why should Josie be any different?
That had to be the dumbest question he’d ever asked himself. She wasn’t anything like other women. None of the rules seemed to apply to her. Of course she didn’t cry often. She was so damn strong that she probably saw any show of emotion—especially tears—as a weakness.
Her job in the ER had to make her feel like an emotional yo-yo, and she’d probably learned to keep a tight rein on what she was feeling. It wasn’t that he doubted Josie was a woman with deep and powerful sentiments. She just wasn’t going to show those emotions to other people.
Then it dawned on him exactly why he understood her so well. “You’re Ethan,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.
Her reddened eyes searched his. “I beg your pardon?”
“You’re a female version of Ethan.”
She bent over to grab the shirt she’d dropped and jerked it over her head. “I’m not sure if that’s a huge compliment or a horrible insult.”
Letting out a chuckle at her teasing tone, Russ put on his pants. A glance around for his shirt yielded no results, which meant he’d probably left it in the other room. “Neither, really. It just dawned on me that you and Ethan approach life—at least the emotional part of life—the same way.”
“This discussion obviously requires wine.” She headed out of the bedroom, and he followed right behind.
A loud yawn slipped out as he located his shirt and donned it.
Pulling a green bottle out of the refrigerator, she frowned. “I’m sorry. I’ve destroyed your sleep schedule since we started dating.”
Although she was right, he wasn’t going to complain. Staying up nights hadn’t bothered him all that much. He might yawn through his shifts at Words & Music, but he still did his job. He always tried to catch up on his sleep when she worked.
But tonight he was suddenly exhausted. A glance to the clock showed it was approaching eleven. Since Josie would be up until the wee hours of the morning, he had a long night ahead of him.
After she poured herself a glass of wine, she sat on the couch. “Now that I’m properly braced, explain to me why I’m like Ethan.”
Russ joined her. “He doesn’t like to show how he feels either. Keeps everything bottled up just like you do.”
“You do that, too,” she said. “That’s why you have a tendency to blow up.”
“But I eventually let it out, even though I tend to do that with my fists.” He chuckled, but she glared at him. Since he didn’t want this discussion to switch to his temper problems, he got back on the original topic. “Ethan never does. People think he’s cold—that he doesn’t have feelings.”
“I don’t keep things bottled up,” she insisted.
“With your job? I think you’d have to just to survive. After a while it probably gets to be like you don’t feel anything at all.”
* * *
Joslynn gathered her brows, thinking hard about everything Russ had said.
“I have to keep things to myself,” she insisted. “There’s so much…misery coming through the doors at work that I have to control every word, every facial expression.” She couldn’t burst into tears every time she had to treat an abused child or the victim of a drunk driver. In unpleasant tasks, things like telling people they have diabetes or cancer or stitching someone back together after a horrible accident, an NP couldn’t freely express her emotions. If she didn’t keep a cover on things, she’d spend each shift a blubbering mess.
What good would she be to her patients then? They didn’t need someone to break down and sob over what had happened to them. They needed a kick-ass, take-charge person to help them through a rough time. They needed someone
who could hold herself in check.
“I get that,” he said. “But you don’t have to guard yourself with me.”
While that was comforting, she couldn’t help but wonder why was it so difficult for her to connect with another person.
She needed him to understand. “You know, until I met Savannah, I never had a close friend, not even during school.”
“That’s sad.”
“Not really,” Joslynn said with a shrug. “It was how I wanted it.” She’d focused on beating leukemia and then learning everything she could to turn herself into a good nurse. Friendships had been pretty low on her priority list.
Her connections with men were even more detached. Joslynn held men at an emotional distance. “Do you know how hard it was to admit that I…that I care for you?” she asked.
“Yeah, sweetheart,” he said, lying down and putting his head on her lap. She raked her fingers through his short hair. “I know. And I’m proud of you.”
The problem with expressing her feelings was that she’d seen too much in her life. Not only had she gone through cancer treatment, but in the time she’d spent in the infusion center, she’d watched a lot of people—even innocent children—battle that bastard disease and die from it.
And then there was work. Mangled children. Abused women. Gunshot victims. That was why she didn’t show her feelings. That was why she was so…What was the word Russ used to describe Ethan?
Oh, yeah. Cold.
Is that what people thought of her? That she was cold? That she was some automaton that had no feelings at all?
Russ scattered her thoughts when he let out that soft almost-snore of his. He’d fallen asleep with his head resting on her lap.
With a sigh, she finished her wine and set the empty glass on the end table. No matter how hard she fought the feeling, Joslynn cared for Russ. As she stroked his hair and watched him sleep, a smile started in her heart and spread to her lips. The battle was over. She was going to let him in.
All the way in.
* * *
Russ opened his eyes, wondering why his neck was so sore. Then he saw Josie’s face above him. If his neck was stiff, she was going to be in a world of hurt judging from her position. He’d still been snoozing on her lap, and she’d fallen asleep sitting up with her chin resting against her chest.