Can't Fight the Feeling

by Sandy James

  “Okay,” she lied, knowing damn well she’d do nothing but think about the ramifications of her screwed-up blood tests until she drove herself into a panic attack.

  “This could be nothing. You know that as well as I do.” He sounded so hopeful.

  “Right.” Already searching for reasons for the abnormal tests, her first thought was that her summer allergies were kicking in. That was why her whites were “off.” Allergies. Nothing but allergies.

  But that didn’t account for her increasing fatigue, or for her losing several pounds with no change in her diet. Her intuition had been whispering that something wasn’t quite right, which had prompted her to get her annual blood screenings done a few weeks earlier than necessary.

  “Are you okay, Joslynn?” Dr. Blunt asked.

  “I’m fine.” Just fine. Always “fine.”

  “Then I’ll see you Friday.”

  “See you then.” After ending the call, she stared at the phone, marveling at how one phone call—a few simple words—could spin the entire world off its axis.

  No matter how much she tried to heed the doctor’s advice to wait, to not overreact, her thoughts shouted at her.

  I have cancer. Again.

  It had always been the thing she feared most, and yet she’d always understood that it was a possibility. While the odds were that her acute myelogenous leukemia hadn’t returned, survivors of childhood leukemia had a much higher risk of developing other forms of cancer. A PET scan was likely to reveal hot spots somewhere on her body. A section of colon. A swollen gland. Her pancreas or her liver. Something would scream at the radiologist that cells were dividing and multiplying there at an alarming rate that could equal only one thing.

  Cancer.

  Bad news followed right on the tail of good.

  Russ. She’d have to tell Russ. She wanted to tell Russ, to have him take her into his arms, kiss her hair, and tell her everything would be all right.

  Joslynn almost called him right then and there before remembering that even if she tried to call, there was no guarantee he’d answer.

  Emotions brewed inside her, twisting and turning, rising higher and higher until she hurled the phone at the wall. It made a dent in the sheetrock before falling to the tile, still in one piece.

  * * *

  Russ had to resist the urge to groan when he walked into the office at Words & Music and found his two partners waiting there with frowns fixed on their faces.

  “Let me guess…” He shut the door. “I forgot our monthly partners’ meeting again.”

  Ethan turned to Brad. “You know, I’m not sure what’s worse. Dealing with him or dealing with Savannah and Chelsea when they’re on a mission.”

  “The women,” Brad replied. “Definitely the women.” He leveled a glare at Russ. “Which is why we’re here to deal with you.”

  Moving past where the two of them sat on the couch, Russ took the chair behind the desk. Considering the hostility in Brad’s voice, it felt good to have a barrier protecting him. This little ambush was most likely about what was happening between him and Joslynn, but that was none of their business.

  Russ let the charade play out. “What are you talking about?”

  “Do you know what a ripple effect is?” Ethan asked.

  “No, Ethan. I don’t. Just like I don’t have a single clue what in the fuck you two are talking about or why you’re here.”

  His anger seemed to have no effect on Ethan. “When you toss a small stone in the pond, it makes ripples that expand as they spread out.”

  Russ rolled his eyes. “Thank you for that wonderful science lesson.”

  “You threw the stone,” Brad said. “And you rocked our boats.”

  “It’s been a decade since we smoked weed together, but damn. You two sound stoned.”

  “What did you do to Joslynn?” Ethan asked.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “He asked what you did to Joslynn,” Brad replied.

  Leaning back in the chair, Russ folded his arms over his chest. There was no way either of them would ever understand why he was making the difficult choice of easing away from her, and he didn’t feel any need to explain it to them.

  He was setting her free, and there wasn’t a thing they could say that would change his mind. “First off, what happens between Josie and me is none of your damn business. Second, I didn’t do anything to her.” Except ignore her.

  Two loud snorts echoed through the room.

  “What did Savannah and Chelsea tell you?”

  “Nothing specific,” Brad admitted. “Just that Joslynn was really upset and it was your fault.”

  “That’s it?” Russ shouted. “They said she was really upset and you two planned this inquisition?”

  “Inquisition?” A scoffing laugh slipped from Ethan. “Overdramatic much, buddy?”

  Russ shook his head. “Josie never gets upset. It’s not in her DNA.”

  DNA. The fucking source of the problem. But he wasn’t going to burden his partners with what he’d learned. They’d know. Eventually.

  Not yet, though.

  “Look,” Brad said, “it’s like this, Russ. When my wife says to fix something, I fix it. And she wants me to fix whatever you did to Joslynn. So I’m here to do exactly that. What did you do to her, anyway?”

  “I don’t have time for this.” When Russ started to stand up, his partners jumped to their feet as though they’d use physical force to keep him there.

  “Sit down, Russ,” Ethan cautioned.

  The anger inside Russ made him clench his hands into tight fists, and it took all his self-control not to turn his rising fury on his best friends. What happened between him and Josie was no one’s business but their own, despite what Savannah and Chelsea—or their husbands—seemed to think.

  At that moment, he had enough demons to battle as he waged a war neither of them knew a damn thing about. Everything inside him wanted to go to Joslynn, to drop to his knees and beg her forgiveness for the cold shoulder he’d given her. He wanted to hear that she loved him enough that she’d face his bleak future at his side.

  But then images of his mother’s battered face would fill his mind, and he’d know that there was no way he’d ever put Joslynn through an ordeal like that. What he was doing by distancing himself was letting her down easy and sparing her a future of misery.

  He scowled at his partners. “Look, you two might let your women carry your balls in their purses, but I’m not about to. Stop bitching at me and let me get back to work.”

  Russ stormed out of the office before he broke down and told them what was wrong.

  And how there wasn’t a fucking thing he could do to change it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Russ sat in his SUV, staring at the Cottage and wondering how he was going to be able to find the courage to do what needed to be done, no matter how painful it would be.

  Joslynn was in there, waiting for him. When he’d finally made the call to tell her that he needed to talk to her, she’d let out a rather shaky laugh and told him she needed to talk to him too. She’d all but demanded that he come by, and there had been something in her voice that had made him feel an urgency where before there had been only dread.

  With a resigned sigh, he forced himself out of the SUV and headed to the blue front door with the pretty flowers she’d painted there.

  She opened the door before he could press the doorbell. “Come in,” she ordered before softening it with a whispered, “please.”

  Following her inside, he declined her offer for coffee or iced tea. Reminding himself over and over that he was doing this for her, that he was doing the right thing, he took a seat on the overstuffed chair instead of sitting by her on the sofa.

  It’s like ripping off a bandage, Russ. Just do it.

  Dressed in faded jeans and a purple short-sleeved shirt, she leaned back against the cushions, making an X of her arms and cupping her elbows as though she was cold. Her eyes were fixed on hi
m, and there was a sadness in those dark pools that he knew he’d put there.

  Did she know what he was there to do?

  After several stilted, silent moments passed, Russ worked up his courage. “First, I want to thank you for all you’ve done for my parents.”

  Her brows gathered, and the sadness was replaced with a budding anger. “That’s what you came to tell me?”

  “Well, no…I just needed to say it. Things are going so much better for them because of everything you helped them do.”

  “And your way to thank me was to treat me like a leper for two weeks and only deign to talk to me at your convenience?”

  He winced.

  “Let me ask you something…What exactly did I do, Russ? What did I do wrong to make you avoid me?”

  The acerbic edge to her voice was deserved. Josie had a right to her anger. He had avoided her, but not for anything she’d done—because he’d been too much of a coward to just set her free.

  “You said ‘first.’”

  Her comment brought him back from his thoughts. “Pardon?”

  “You said ‘first,’ that you wanted to thank me for helping Baron and Yvonne ‘first.’ What’s second?” Her icy tone sent goose bumps across his arms.

  “Before that, tell me about what you said was so important,” he insisted, knowing that as soon as he sank the knife into her, she’d never want to speak to him again.

  She shook her head. “What’s ‘second,’ Russ?”

  Standing, he slid his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, feeling awkward. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of weeks.” Which was true. If he told her about the genetic testing, she would insist on staying with him. That’s why he went alone to get the results, to protect her if it was bad news. Had she heard the results, he could never set her free. Even now she wouldn’t let him go unless he hurt her.

  No matter how much it killed him to do so.

  “Clearly,” she said, “all that thinking has taken up all of your time and made it impossible to answer your phone calls or texts.” Each word dripped with disdain.

  “I’m sorry about that, Josie.” He rubbed the back of his neck before shoving his hand back in his pocket. “I was…busy.”

  “And I’m president of the United States.”

  Taking the clipped sarcasm as his due, Russ bit back any retort. “Look, we’ve had a lot of fun together. Right? I mean I’ve really enjoyed being with you.” I love you. “But…” He just couldn’t seem to make himself look her in the eyes.

  “But you’re breaking up with me. Is that what you came to tell me?”

  The rage in her voice wasn’t what finally made Russ focus on her face.

  It was the hurt.

  The moment he saw the twisting emotions playing across her features, he almost changed his mind. Were he not doing this for her own good, to spare her the agony of being tied to a man whose future was likely to be full of pain and sorrow, he would’ve gathered her into his arms and promised to never, ever hurt her again.

  Then he saw his mother’s battered face in his mind’s eye. “Yeah. I guess I’m breaking up with you.”

  * * *

  Joslynn wasn’t surprised. Russ’s behavior the last two weeks had all but screamed his intentions. Despite knowing what had been coming, she thought she was doing a good job of hiding her tumultuous feelings.

  Until he actually said the words.

  There would be no tears. Especially not now, and most definitely not in front of Russ Green.

  Tears for him?

  Fuck him. Fuck him and the fucking horse he rode in on.

  How had she allowed this to happen again? She thought she’d learned her lessons well, that she would protect her heart from this kind of pain. Her father. Tim. There was no way she should’ve found herself in this situation, getting her feelings shredded by a guy.

  I love him.

  And he said he loved me.

  Fuck. Fuckety fucking fuck.

  She wanted him out of her house, and she wanted him out right now. But she’d stay civil. It was the one way she could be sure he didn’t know exactly how much he’d hurt her.

  “Well, then…” A deep breath kept her emotions under tenuous control. “What else is there to say?”

  “You okay, Josie?”

  “Fine.” Her teeth tugged on her bottom lip as she stood up.

  Russ came to stand in front of her and held out a hand. “We can still be friends, right?”

  Everything inside her wanted to slap his hand away as hard as she could. Instead of touching him, she crossed her arms under her breasts and headed to the front door. “It’s not like we’ll see each other much, but being friends?” A quick shake of her head as she opened the door. “There’s no reason for that. We’re breaking up, then we’re done. Period. And I’d appreciate it if you’d leave now.”

  He walked to the door as though someone had weighted his feet down with lead. Stopping when he stood in front of her, he put a hand on her arm. It was clear that he wanted to say more, but she didn’t want to hear anything else.

  She shrugged his hand away. “Good-bye, Russ.”

  “Josie…”

  “Good-bye.”

  Why he was so reluctant to go was beyond her. The man should be leaving skid marks since she’d let him off the hook so easily. She hadn’t pulled the stereotypical whining, weeping girlfriend who was begging him to stay. She’d given him the freedom he’d wanted and was ready to let him waltz right out of her life. No strings attached.

  “I still want to know what you wanted to tell me.” His voice was breathy and soft as though his throat was clogged.

  “I don’t care what you want.”

  Those blue eyes took on a hangdog expression, and no matter how much she didn’t want to react to it, she did. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

  Her teeth were digging in her lower lip hard enough to draw blood. No words would come, not even angry ones. Joslynn only shook her head.

  “I guess I’ll be seeing you, then.”

  She shut the door as soon as he’d cleared the threshold, clicking the dead bolt and hoping he heard it slide into place—and that he knew it was more than just shutting him out of her home. Never again would she let him back into her life.

  Fool me once…

  A tear spilled over her lashes, and she furiously swiped it away. Stripping as she hurried to her bedroom, she got into her running attire as quickly as she could manage and was out the door and on the move less the five minutes after Russ Green walked out of her life.

  * * *

  Three days later, Joslynn almost smiled at the Care Bears adorning the scrubs of the nurse taking her blood pressure. She loved the scrubs that nurses donned at her hospital.

  But there was nothing in her life to smile about, and once Dr. Blunt did this physical, she might well find herself in another fight for her life.

  The room was chilly, and wearing nothing but the stupid gown made Joslynn feel exposed. She always went out of her way to try to make her ER patients feel more comfortable when they were in similar attire. But despite helping a person cover with a sheet or a blanket, she knew those gowns equaled vulnerability.

  The nurse closed her laptop and tucked it under her arm. “The doctor will be in shortly.”

  “Thank you.”

  Waiting for him wouldn’t be easy. Not only because she was type A and needed to constantly be doing something, but because this visit had so much at stake. Before coming here, she’d stood in front of her mirror and visually inspected everything from head to toe. There wasn’t a single thing that looked “wrong” to her. She’d checked her breasts, her groin, searching for lumps and finding nothing suspicious.

  But cancer wasn’t always visible on the outside.

  The door opened, making her jump since she hadn’t expected Dr. Blunt so quickly.

  “How are you feeling, Joslynn?” he asked as he set his laptop down on the counter.

>   “Still really tired. Although I’ll confess to running an awful lot lately.” More than was probably healthy, but it seemed as though the only way to hold her emotions at bay was to run until she was too exhausted to think.

  “I see you’re down seven pounds,” he commented as he scrolled through the data the nurse had entered. “Try not to drop any more weight.”

  She nodded, well aware that if she had a battle against disease in her near future, she needed to build herself up so she could face it. At least he talked to her like one professional to another instead of doing the handholding that she despised. Sure, she might treat patients with kid gloves, but she hated someone treating her as though she were made of glass.

  “You didn’t get more blood drawn yet?” he asked.

  She shook her head. She just hadn’t been able to force herself back to the lab.

  “Then we’ll do that now.” He turned to her and smiled. “Maybe it will give us some answers.”

  She shrugged.

  “Let’s get this physical done, then, shall we?”

  * * *

  “You what?”

  The volume of his mother’s voice made Russ flinch. “You heard me,” he said in a near whisper. The last thing he wanted to do was tell his parents a second time that he’d broken up with Josie.

  Baron tossed him a scowl, stood up, and walked behind the sofa where Russ sat. Then he gave him a good smack to the back of the head. “What is wrong with you, Russ?”

  Russ frowned over his shoulder at his dad.

  “Why would you do that, Russell?” Yvonne asked.

  Although he’d known his parents would have objections, it wasn’t as though Russ could give them the true reason. His father was having a good day. Russ wasn’t about to tell Baron that he’d let the love of his life go to spare her the ordeal of caring for an Alzheimer’s victim.

  His heart ached. Walking away from Josie had been the equivalent of driving a sword into his own gut. The pain had been devastating, but he wasn’t about to sentence her to the kind of life his parents were living.