Can't Fight the Feeling

by Sandy James

  Another small sigh. “I have blood tests a couple times a year. Just to check my numbers. It’s not like I was feeling terrible or anything. I might have had a bit of fatigue. Nothing that seemed too horrible.”

  “And the tests came back…bad?”

  “Yeah. Not terrible. Just…off. The doctor is running them again and adding a few other tests. And he did an exam. That’s when he found out my thyroid had some swelling—a goiter that could be anything from a tumor to just inflammation.”

  “All this is new to me, Josie,” Russ said, feeling ignorant. “You’ll have to explain what a thyroid is and what it does.”

  “I will,” she promised. “Bottom line is that I’m supposed to have a biopsy of the lump.”

  “Well, then. We have the biopsy, and then, when we have the results, we figure out where to go from there.”

  She kissed his cheek before laying her head back against his shoulder. “Since you told me about having the Alzheimer’s gene, I should tell you about my fertility testing.”

  “You got the ultrasound?”

  “I did. One ovary is toast, but the right side is working. It might not be easy to conceive, but I can get pregnant.”

  “That’s great, sweetheart.”

  “After you found out you had the gene, did you change your mind about having kids?” Josie asked.

  “I don’t really know how I feel about it,” Russ admitted. “But when your biopsy turns out fine, we’ll have our whole lives to figure things out.”

  * * *

  Russ paced the waiting room, feeling like a caged animal. This procedure was the most important thing that had ever happened in his life, and there wasn’t a thing he could do except wait to find out if Josie was sick—if she faced another battle for her life.

  This time she wasn’t fighting that war alone. The stories she’d told him of her childhood leukemia made his heart break for the young girl without someone to lean on through the scary ordeal. No one should have to face their own mortality. But to do so when a person had barely reached a double-digit age?

  Life could be so fucking cruel.

  Would it be cruel now? Would it threaten to take Josie away from him when he’d just discovered that he needed her as much as he needed air and water?

  Stop it. Stop borrowing trouble.

  A glance at his watch showed only three minutes had elapsed since his last check. The world seemed to have slowed to some odd new dimension where time passed more and more slowly as his anxiety rose.

  She’d taken the time to explain exactly what was happening back in the treatment room. Her thyroid—a gland, she’d told him, that controlled metabolism—would have a thick needle introduced into it after the area had been numbed. The doctor would suction out some tissue and any fluid that might be causing the lump. He’d check things under a microscope to be sure he got what he needed, and then all Russ and Joslynn could do was wait until a pathologist figured out whether she had cancer.

  If time was going slow now, he figured the week they had to wait for the report would be agony.

  * * *

  Joslynn had never been as relieved as when the endocrinologist said, “I think we might be done.”

  The procedure hadn’t been terrible. Lying on the exam table and tilting her head back to expose her throat was uncomfortable, because the blood kept rushing to her head. She could feel her pulse pounding in her temples. The shot of Novocain hadn’t been too painful, just a pinch of burning before her neck went numb. Then it was only a matter of the doctor getting a proper sample. She hadn’t felt much of anything while he’d been working.

  Without turning her head too much, she watched him squeezing some samples onto slides and then looking at them under the microscope. She wanted to ask him what he was seeing, but she knew better. He couldn’t answer her anyway. Procedure was to have a pathologist do the actual diagnosing. Should this doctor say he saw nothing and the pathologist later find a malignancy, he’d open himself up for a lawsuit. Not that she’d even consider one, but some people…

  “Good news. I’ve got all I need.” He stepped away from the microscope and removed the drape from her throat. Then he offered a hand to help her sit up. “There was a lot of fluid, which is often a positive factor. But…”

  Joslynn held up a hand. “I know, I know. I need to wait for the pathology report.”

  “Exactly.” She started to slide off the table, but he put a restraining hand on her shoulder. “Give your head a second to clear. I had you back far enough you need to let the blood circulate for a few minutes so you don’t get light-headed.”

  She gave him a nod and felt a rush of dizziness that made her realize he was right. “You did a good job,” she said, feeling awkward. Is that how patients felt around her?

  No. Probably not. Joslynn was really good at filling those too-silent moments with chatter that seemed to make her patients feel more comfortable. This doctor had been extremely quiet throughout the prep and the procedure. It wasn’t a surprise that he had little to say now.

  Finally feeling as if her circulation had stabilized, she eased off the table, testing to see if her wooziness had passed. She was anxious to see Russ, and although her hopes had risen with the doctor’s words, she needed Russ to hold her.

  Joslynn found him in the waiting room. The place was next to empty since it was near the end of the day. She marched over to him, and he smiled and opened his arms. She slipped her arms around his waist and laid her cheek against his shoulder.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Fine.”

  “Are you in pain?”

  “My neck’s still numb, but I doubt I’ll have too much trouble when the numbness wears off. Nothing aspirin can’t handle.”

  He squeezed her tight. “And now we wait.”

  Raising her head so she could catch his eyes, she nodded. “Now we wait.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Although Joslynn still wasn’t sure why, Russ had asked her to meet him at Words & Music instead of going there with her. They’d planned to have dinner with Brad, Savannah, Ethan, and Chelsea and then take in the show on “open mic” night. Watching the diversity of new singers and novice bands could be very entertaining.

  She had wanted a chance to talk to Russ before they met their friends. The doctor had called with her test results, and she was still a bit numb. Once the news settled in, she would need to explain everything to Russ.

  Trying to push aside everything Dr. Blunt had told her, she worked her way through the crowd to get to the table where only Savannah and Chelsea sat. Having no idea where the men were, she wondered if perhaps they had some business to discuss about the bar before they joined the women.

  Whenever they were out in public, Chelsea and Savannah always turned heads. At least their fans seemed to be allowing them some privacy tonight. Sure, there were a few phones being pointed at their table, which meant their pictures would be on social media. But no one was hounding either singer for an autograph or a selfie. The regular customers at Words & Music were probably accustomed to seeing the women since both were there often enough.

  As Joslynn pulled out a chair, Chelsea held up her mug of beer in salute. “Glad you could join us!”

  “Me too.” Joslynn sat down.

  “I’m really glad Russ came to his senses,” Savannah said.

  “Me too,” Jos replied as she glanced to the empty stage. “I thought this was open mic night.”

  A conspiring look passed between Savannah and Chelsea.

  “Yeah, well…The guys had a change of plans,” Savannah said.

  “At least for the start of the show,” Chelsea added.

  Joslynn knit her brows. “What do you two know that I don’t?”

  Her question was waved away by Savannah. “Want a beer?” She signaled to a tall, skinny waiter.

  “Absolutely,” Joslynn replied. She wasn’t much of a drinker, only having wine from time to time. When the waiter got there, she said, “Bu
dweiser and a large order of fried pickles. Extra dressing on the side.”

  He smiled. “Anything the lady wants.” He shifted his gaze to Chelsea and then Savannah. “Would you two pretty ladies like refills?”

  Both women nodded.

  “I’m starving,” Joslynn said. She picked up one of the peanuts from the bowl and cracked the shell. After setting the broken shells in one of the small galvanized buckets that sat on every table, she popped the peanuts in her mouth. Judging from the number of discarded shells, the other women were hungry as well. “I hope the guys get here soon. Peanuts and fried pickles aren’t going to cut it. I want a steak.”

  Before she could say anything else, the lights dimmed. When she glanced to the stage, she was shocked to see that the stage manager, Randy, wasn’t stepping up to the microphone to introduce the first act. Instead, Brad took center stage.

  Confused, Joslynn turned to Savannah. “Brad’s the emcee tonight?”

  Savannah squirmed as though her seat had suddenly sprouted tacks. “Sort of…”

  “Welcome to Words and Music,” Brad said, waiting as the noise from the crowd quickly lowered. “Before we begin our usual open mic performances, we have a special…um…treat for you.” His eyes wandered the room before settling on the table where Joslynn sat with Savannah and Chelsea.

  Joslynn immediately suspected something special was in the works. Was Brad going to announce that Savannah was expecting? Or had Chelsea and Ethan finally decided to tell the world about their marriage?

  She was about to ask if her friends knew what was going on, which she assumed they did, but choked on the words when Russ dragged a stool up to the mic. Sitting down, he grabbed the guitar slung over his shoulder and shifted it so he could strum the strings. Clearing his throat, he adjusted the mic that Brad had put in the stand before heading offstage.

  “What’s going on?” Joslynn asked. She looked back to their table to see wide smiles on both women’s faces.

  “Just wait,” Savannah said.

  “And watch,” Chelsea added.

  Heart hammering, Joslynn focused on Russ.

  * * *

  “Hi, everyone,” Russ said, trying to control the way his voice wanted to crack with nervous energy. “My name is Russ Green, and I’m part owner of this place. I hope you’ll all indulge me a little tonight. I want to do something special.” He strummed the guitar before looking up and shielding his eyes against the stage lights. It took him only a moment to find Josie.

  Her face was full of confusion, which was exactly what he wanted. She’d been so worried about hearing from the doctor, he’d been unable to distract her for very long. They’d planned the evening out to catch open mic night, and he’d suddenly had what had seemed like a brilliant idea. Now that he was sitting in the middle of the stage, he was no longer sure it was so brilliant.

  How could he sing in front of all these people, let alone sing a song he’d written?

  Yet here he sat, and he knew it was the right thing to do. Russ needed Josie to know that he was in this relationship for the long haul. To convince her that he meant it, he would have to tell her how he felt before any of her tests came back. He wanted her to know that, regardless of what might happen to either one of them in the future, he loved her.

  After clearing his throat, he spoke into the microphone again. “I wrote a song for the woman I love, and I’d like to sing it tonight.” He smiled at Josie. “This one is for you, sweetheart.”

  Trying to focus on the song and not the number of eyes staring at him, Russ began to play.

  * * *

  Joslynn had never heard Russ sing before, but she remembered that he’d said he wasn’t very good. Now she knew why.

  The man was tone-deaf. Not just a bad singer, but entirely incapable of carrying a tune. Had there been dogs in the place, no doubt they’d be howling.

  Yet he still sang.

  To her.

  Days, months, or years. Doesn’t matter at all.

  I’ll be by your side through the worst and the best.

  As long as we’re together, we can avoid a fall.

  I promise you that my love for you will pass the test.

  Her heart was soaring, so full of love for Russ and his off-key voice that she was amazed she wasn’t floating like a cloud. Tears blurred her vision, and she found herself seeing only him as she stood and then walked toward him.

  We may have fifty years or just a single day.

  We’ll live all we can in the time God chooses to give.

  You’ll hear my love in each and every word I say.

  Give me your heart and we’ll learn how to live.

  The melody didn’t matter. But Josie paid attention to the words, feeling each one land on her heart and brand it with the sentiments she now realized she’d needed to hear. She knew Russ loved her, but in the wake of the fear she’d had over being sick again, she’d found herself doubting that he’d want to stay if she faced cancer again.

  The words to the song he’d written—the one he’d told her that she inspired—said exactly what she’d hoped. That from now until the end—whenever that end arrived—they were in this life together.

  Just as she reached the stage, Russ finished his song. He quickly set his guitar aside and hurried to the edge of the stage. Then he jumped down and took her into his arms.

  * * *

  Nothing felt as good as holding Josie against him, knowing that she was his.

  Now and forever.

  After a few moments, Russ eased back to look at her. Her smile enchanted him.

  “That was beautiful,” she said in a breathless whisper.

  Although he grinned in return, he knew better. He might not be able to get his voice to stay in tune, but he knew bad singing when he heard it. And his singing wasn’t just bad; it was horrible.

  “It was,” she insisted.

  He had to kiss her for that sweet and entirely full-of-shit pronouncement.

  So lost in her—the feel of her soft lips, the scent of her sweet perfume—Russ didn’t realize the crowd had begun cheering until the sound all but deafened him. Confused, he glanced at the stage as Josie did the same.

  There stood Brad, Savannah, Ethan, and Chelsea. Brad picked up the guitar Russ had set aside, while Ethan held his own. Both of the women stood in front of the microphone.

  Chelsea was the first to speak as she smiled down at Russ. “That was a really…um…charming performance, Russ. But maybe we can give you a helping hand.”

  Ethan and Brad began to play Russ’s song. After the opening bars, Savannah and Chelsea blended their incredible voices to sing the lyrics. They had to have gotten the music and lyrics from Brad, and Russ was grateful to them for bailing him out.

  As the first verse rang in his ears, Russ started to dance with Josie, swaying to the song that had come straight from his heart. While he wanted to beg her to marry him right then and there, he knew she wasn’t one to put a lot of value on marriage. One day, maybe, he’d convince her to take the plunge. But even without the license, they were giving each other vows. Right here. Right now.

  She looked up at him with those dark, sexy eyes and smiled. “Thank you, Russ. Thank you so much.”

  He returned the smile. “I’m glad you liked the song.”

  “You really meant what you wrote.”

  Since she’d made a statement instead of asking a question, he saw no need to answer. Instead, he kissed her, letting her know she was right—he had meant every word of the song.

  When she ended the kiss, her smile remained. “I don’t have cancer.”

  His eyes searched hers, finding the truth in her words. “Oh, sweetheart. That’s”—he lifted her to spin her in a circle—“fantastic!”

  Joslynn was laughing when he put her back on her feet. “I’ll have to take some medicine to slow the thyroid gland down, but definitely no cancer.”

  Russ kissed her again as the song ended to thunderous applause.

  * * *
r />   Russ looked at each face sitting around the fire pit in Brad’s backyard before settling on Joslynn.

  She gave him a grin. “Thank you again for the song.”

  Ethan and Brad let out loud laughs, which didn’t come as a surprise. They both knew how terrible a singer Russ was, and they’d still allowed him to go out on the stage. Only good friends would allow a guy to make an ass out of himself that way.

  “Just promise us one thing, Russ,” Brad said.

  Although he was pretty sure he knew what assurance his partners wanted him to make, Russ asked anyway. “And what exactly is that?”

  “That you will never—”

  “And we do mean never,” Ethan said.

  “—sing at Words and Music again.”

  While the women laughed, Russ held up his right hand. “I solemnly swear that I will never sing at our restaurant again.”

  Brad and Ethan exchanged an enthusiastic high five.

  “I do need to thank you both,” Russ added. “And Savannah and Chelsea. You made the song sound good, something I’d never be able to do.”

  “It was a good song,” Chelsea said. “I’m really proud of you for writing it.”

  “It’s a one-time venture,” he assured everyone. “I’ll leave the songwriting to Brad from now on.” He smiled at Josie. “I did it to win my gal, and since she’s here with me, I’ll call it a success.”

  * * *

  Joslynn had never felt so content, as though every piece of her life had fallen into the perfect place. She found fulfillment in her job, her health would improve as her thyroid imbalance was corrected, and she had Russ—a man who loved her enough to embarrass himself in front of a crowd just to show her how much she meant to him.

  God, how she loved him.

  And the love between them would only continue to grow.

  How wrong she’d been to believe that she was meant to be alone, that she wasn’t the kind of person to fall in love.

  She’d never been so grateful to be shown the error of her ways.

  “A toast!” Russ held up his longneck beer.