In The Dark

by Monica Murphy

  Blinking hard, I shake my head once, run my fingers through my hair before I rise to my feet and slowly approach her from behind. I don’t know what to do, what to say. Should I apologize? Offer to leave? I’ve somehow overstepped an invisible boundary and fucked this up before it even started.

  I realize she’s shaking and I feel like a jerk. A tremor runs through her, and the way she wraps her arms tightly around her fills me with the unexplainable urge to comfort her. Calm her down. Reassure her that what just happened…fuck. I don’t know. Was it a mistake?

  No. Not to me.

  Does she regret it?

  I hope not.

  But she beats me to the punch.

  “I’m sorry,” she murmurs, her voice carrying on the breeze, soft and a little shaky. “I sort of…panicked.”

  “It’s cool.” I reach out, my hands hanging above her shoulders for one beat. Two. Three. Until finally I give in to my urge and touch her, though I keep it light and hopefully nonthreatening. Thank Christ she doesn’t flinch. “Did I move too fast?”

  She shakes her head so hard, her hair brushing against my face. “No. I don’t know. This sort of thing…” Her voice drifts and she inhales sharply. “I don’t really do it.”

  I frown, not quite getting what she means. “You don’t really do what?”

  “This.” Lucy turns to face me, dropping her arms from around her waist but waving a hand between us. I let go of her shoulders. “This boy/girl thing we have going on.”

  Okay. What the hell? Is she trying to say what, she was a lesbian before she met me, or something? Not that I would think less of her. I’d actually find that kind of hot, which means I’m a dumbass guy who thinks girl on girl action is a major turn on. So sue me. “I’m not quite getting you.”

  She makes this little frustrated noise that I find incredibly sexy. Pretty much everything she does is sexy. “I’ve never…you know.” Another wave of the hand between us, her fingers coming perilously close to my dick. “With a guy.”

  Wait a minute. “You’ve never kissed a guy?”

  “Of course, I’ve kissed a guy.” She rolls her eyes. “Lots of times I’ll have you know.”

  Okay.

  “But I’ve never um.” She bites her lip, glances around, like she doesn’t want to meet my gaze. “I’ve never had, you know.”

  Unease creeps over me. I think I know where this is leading. And if she says what I think she’s going to say, I have no choice but to walk away.

  Right?

  “You’ve never had…what?” I say each word nice and slow, wanting to make sure I get her meaning.

  “Sex.”

  The slightly horrified look on his handsome face is nothing short of amusing. Not that I’m laughing. I shouldn’t be laughing. Nothing about this is funny. Not really. I just confessed the biggest secret ever, one that is all sorts of humiliating.

  But the first giggle slips out and it’s like I have no control. Another one escapes. Then another. Until I’ve got a major case of the nervous giggles while Gabe stands there looking at me with that scared, incredulous expression.

  “Luce,” he finally says, sounding as dazed as he looks. “Are you serious?”

  The tone of his voice stops the giggles. “Um.” I stand up straight. Look him right in the eye. “Yes?”

  He frowns. “You said it like a question. I think you’d know for sure if you were a virgin or not.”

  Ugh. He tosses the word out so casually, like it’s no big deal when it’s a tremendous deal. A crazy, unbelievable thing because my God, I’m twenty-one years old. I shouldn’t be a virgin. I’m a grown woman. An adult.

  A grown, adult woman who’s never had sex.

  “I’m definitely a virgin,” I say with a wince. I hate saying that word. There’s so much behind it. A stigma, a brand, a label.

  The way Gabe’s backing away from me, his hands raised in front of him as if in surrender, I know it’s a done deal. As in, he’s done.

  With me.

  The pain that radiates from within is nothing short of breathtaking, and not in a good way.

  “I, uh.” He stumbles over his own feet and I almost will him to fall on his ass. I’m evil. Seriously. “Yeah. I don’t know if I can deal with that, Lucy.”

  He even used the word deal, like he can read my mind. I sigh wearily. “Deal with what?”

  “Deal with your—virgin status. I know, I sound like an asshole but bear with me. I mean, you’ve been holding out for a long time, right?” He comes to a stop, staring at me with wide eyes. Poor guy looks stunned, not that I feel sorry for him. “That means you value it, value your body and that’s cool. I get it. Well, I don’t know what that’s like but I think I understand. You probably want to fall in love with a nice guy and give it up to him then, am I right?”

  I don’t answer him because he speaks the truth. That was always the plan. Well, that and my overwhelming fear of allowing a boy to use my body for sex, only for him to leave me in the dust after he impregnated me.

  Yes, Mama’s past left a big impression on my choices.

  “I’m not your nice guy,” he continues, his voice low as he tears his gaze away from mine. Like he’s embarrassed to make such an admission. At least he’s honest. “I’m not the sensitive man who’ll value your virginity and offer up my love in exchange for it. If I had my way, you’d be naked on that couch right now and I’d be buried deep inside you.”

  Oh. Well. Nothing like brutal honesty to leave a delicious ache deep inside me. I’m literally throbbing between my legs at the image his words conjure up.

  He runs his hand along his jaw as he contemplates me, his gaze hot. Heavy. I want to squirm where I stand but I remain rooted in place, lifting my chin to return his stare. I’m not going to be ashamed of my confession. Yes, I’m an anomaly. But it’s not like I’m a total freak. He’s just going to have to deal with it.

  And if he deals with it by walking, then he wasn’t the guy for me after all.

  “But I’m not going to fuck you and leave you,” he finishes, his voice harsh. Definitely not full of any promises either. The man is nothing short of honest. “That’s all this would’ve been between us. A fun, summer fling. That’s all I can offer.” He spreads his arms out, as if offering himself to me. “That’s all I’ve got.”

  I say nothing. I don’t know how to respond. My breaths come in jerky little gasps and I realize…I’m excited. Aroused.

  At the thought of what he’s offering. Of what he wants to do to me, how easily he says the word fuck, talking about how he wants to be inside of me. There’s no denying Gabe wants me. And I want him too. Despite my virginity and the promise I made to myself that I would get through school and graduate before I focus on my dating life.

  He’s the first guy who’s ever made me feel this way. Like I’d throw caution to the wind and let him do whatever he wants to me and damn the consequences.

  I’m not that girl. I’m cautious. Careful. I plot and plan and do what I’m supposed to. I don’t make waves and I don’t cause trouble. One look from Gabe and I want to cause all sorts of trouble.

  But only with him.

  “Who says we can’t have a summer fling?” I finally ask, causing his head to jerk, his gaze meeting mine once more.

  “What do you mean?” He sounds wary.

  “Well.” I take a step toward him. Then another. As if he has gravitational pull and I can’t resist him. “Do we have to have actual…intercourse?” Ugh that word. Sounds so formal but I can’t say fuck to Gabe. That’s so crude. “In order to fool around and have that summer fling?”

  His eyes widen and I think I’ve shocked him, which is kind of fun. He didn’t expect me to say that. “What are you saying?”

  “I think you know what I’m saying.” Okay, I can’t believe I just said that. Who am I? Seriously, what am I doing, offering to be this guy’s summer fling. “Just…no actual sex.” Yeah, I’ve turned into one of those types of girls. But why? What is it about this
guy that does me in so quickly? He’s gorgeous. Funny. Nice. He seems in to me, which blows my mind.

  Is that it? He likes me so I think I should jump the first attractive man who’s into me before I turn him off with all the virginity talk? Am I desperate?

  Sort of.

  Crap. I don’t like thinking I’m desperate.

  “What? So you’ll do everything else but the actual deed?” He shakes his head, disbelief written all over his expressive face. He opens his mouth, like he’s about to say something but I cut him off, scared to hear what that might be.

  “Never mind. Forget it. Forget I even offered.” The words fall out of me in a rush and I clamp my mouth shut, just as he does the same. He stares at me.

  I stare at him.

  Then, without another word, he walks past me, through the bedroom, through the house…

  And he leaves me without another word.

  Chance. Blown.

  My sexually adventurous summer?

  Officially over.

  “Being rejected sucks,” I huff out, surprised I can even speak what with how freaking exhausted I am.

  Meanwhile, in other irritating news, Sydney is jogging beside me like it’s no big thing. Not breaking out in a sweat, not sounding out of breath, nothing.

  I hate her.

  Not really.

  Sydney sends me a sideways glance. “Tell me all about it,” she mutters.

  That wasn’t the reply I was expecting. I increase my pace to keep up with her. She’s tall. Not as tall as her gorgeous brother but she has legs almost as long as my entire body, which means her stride is long. “Who’s rejected you?” I pant out when I catch up with her.

  Another look from Sydney, this one saying, give me a break. “Pretty much every college I applied to this year.”

  I knew she was younger than me but didn’t know exactly how much. “You just graduated high school?” Oh God, I’m getting a cramp in my side. Probably from all the water I drank earlier when we took a short break. Doesn’t this girl ever tire out?

  “Yeah. And my mom pressured me to apply to like, every Ivy League college there is out there. So I did, filled with the confidence that at least one of them was going to accept me. None of them did.” She shakes her head, her disappointment palpable. “Not a one.”

  Ouch. That sucks. I had to stay in California. Knew I couldn’t get a full ride and without it, I can’t afford the out of state fees. “So what are you going to do?”

  Sydney finally comes to a stop and I’m so relieved I almost fall over. I’m trying to be good with this brand new exercise regimen I came up with to distract me and it’s so hard. Like extremely hard.

  Especially when all I want to do is wallow in bed and reenact what happened with Gabe and I last night. Talk about a mess…

  “I’m going to community college for the first year and then I’ll transfer.” The look of misery on Sydney’s face is unmistakable. “One more year with my parents and then I’m free.”

  “Are they that bad?” I ask gently. I glance around the mostly deserted beach, wondering where everyone is. Considering it’s barely past eight in the morning, I figure a lot of them are still in bed or already at work.

  Sydney actually snorts. “They’re worse. Didn’t my brother tell you?”

  I keep my face purposely blank. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Please.” She rolls her eyes. “You fell prey to his charms. You all do eventually.”

  I can feel myself visibly bristle, my imaginary feathers ruffled like a pissed off bird. “I didn’t fall prey to his charms.”

  “Oh no?” She raises a brow, her lips in this little smirk that reminds me of Gabe.

  Ugh.

  I breathe out a heavy sigh. “Fine. Can we take a break from all this running stuff and talk about it?”

  “Talk about how you did my brother? Ew, no.” She shakes her head and I start to laugh.

  “I didn’t do your brother. And I need to rest. Running sucks.” I plop down on the sand, wishing I had a bottle of water.

  Sydney sits next to me, her knee nudging against mine. “Are you serious? So you didn’t hook up with my brother last night?”

  This is mortifying. I don’t want to confess the whole truth—hello, I’m a virgin—but I don’t want her thinking I had sex with Gabe either. Or worse, I don’t want her knowing I offered myself up like some sort of strange sacrifice and he didn’t take me up on it. Instead, he walked out of the house like I announced I had an STD or something.

  Talk about weird. And humiliating.

  “I didn’t,” I tell her, scooping up a handful of cool sand and letting it sift through my fingers. “I think I scared him off.”

  “Nothing scares my brother off. If he set his sights on you, he won’t give up until it happens,” Sydney says assuredly.

  “And when you say it, what exactly are you referring to?” I brace myself, waiting for her answer.

  “Listen.” I turn my head to meet Sydney’s gaze. She sounds so serious. Looks it too. “He’s a total player. So if you’re looking for someone to fool around with, he’s your man. If you want something serious, then I’d say run. I like you, Lucy. So I’d say run regardless. Gabe is kind of a jerk.”

  She means well but I can’t help the prick of pain that needles my heart. He was never a jerk to me, not really. He was fun and nice. He seemed interested. Very interested. I’m the one who blew it by telling him the truth.

  I should’ve never told him either. Who blurts out they’re a virgin like that? I don’t really know him that well yet I lay all the heavy stuff right out on the table. Making him run.

  Literally.

  Sydney must sense something in my silence, or maybe the look on my face. Who knows? But she’s realized quick that it can’t be good. “He’s already hurt you somehow, am I right? It’s only been a few days since he finally got up the courage to talk to you. Did you know he’d been watching you for almost two weeks?”

  “Yeah.” I shrug, feeling stupid. Disappointed. That had been fun, knowing he was watching me. Putting on the show. I liked having rich boy’s eyes on me. More than that, I liked having rich boy’s hands and lips on me too. “It’s best that nothing really happened.”

  “Totally.” Sydney reaches over and rests her hand over mine briefly. I flick my gaze up to hers, smiling at her. It’s nice, having a friend. She’s a few years younger but I like her. She’s nice. Funny. Her only fault is how effortless she makes all this running around look. Yeah, I sort of hate her for that but…

  I can forgive her.

  “So what you said earlier.” Sydney releases my hand. “You mentioned being rejected. Are you saying that my brother is the one who rejected you?”

  I nod, not wanting to speak. Afraid I might sound all choked up or something stupid like that. I need to get over myself. Need to get over the fact that he seemed so in to me then turned around and let me sink like a stone. I haven’t seen him since. It’s been two days since that fateful night and I haven’t even so much as caught a glimpse of him outside or anything.

  It’s weird. And eerie. Where could he be? Hiding from me? Why should he care?

  “What happened?” I open my mouth to speak but she waves her hands, like she’s warding me off. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. Too many details will freak me out.”

  “There’s no naughty details, trust me.” I give her a brief rundown, omitting a lot of it. Like the making out and groping details, along with the I’m-a-virgin admission. Which means I told her what happened in about one minute’s time.

  “And then he just walked out? Are you sure you’re telling me everything?”

  “Everything that’s important.” I stand, brushing the sand off my butt. “Let’s go back. I’m getting cold.” A lie though the wind is strong this morning so Sydney might believe me.

  “Whatever.” She stands as well. “It’s cool if you don’t want to tell me everything. I get it. He’s my brother. I don’t w
ant to know everything either.”

  “Right. Um, thanks Syd.” I smile at her. “For letting me vent.”

  “No problem. Let’s try and meet every morning, you know? It’s good for us.” She starts walking, already far ahead of me and I trot after her to keep up.

  “Only if you promise to slow down and take my non-exercising ass into consideration,” I call after her.

  Sydney laughs and I can’t help but smile in return.

  Even though I mean every word I say.

  I’m at some shitty country club dinner with my parents. The same place we went a few nights ago when I met that girl. The one Mom tried to match me up with. Audrey is her name. Young, pretty, blonde Audrey, who smiled and laughed at all my jokes while batting her false eyelashes at me. Who tried to grab my thigh not just once but twice and I wondered at one point if she was really going for a dick grab.

  I immediately put her out of my mind because of Lucy. I wasn’t interested in Audrey. I wanted Lucy. But now that I know about her virginity status and I rejected her offer of a summer fling sans intercourse, I can’t focus on Lucy any longer. She’s off limits. Not for me. I need to find someone else.

  Like Audrey.

  The entire night we flirt. We joke. We drink. Heavily.

  We’re drunk.

  She hangs all over me and my parents don’t even care. They’re in their own little world and besides, I’m with a girl that has earned their seal of approval. I could probably pop her tit out and show it off to them like a prize and they’d clap their hands and say, “good choice, son.”

  Yeah. I’m super drunk if I’m contemplating popping her tits out. Audrey giggles a lot. And her giggle isn’t cute. I think of the cute way Lucy giggled right after she confessed that she was a virgin.

  A fucking virgin.

  Wait scratch that. Virgins don’t fuck. That’s why they’re virgins. I can’t be responsible for that. Lucy’s a good girl. She’s saving herself for the right guy and I am so not it. I’m the asshole who hooks up with rich girls with fake tits, nose and eyelashes. Like Audrey.

  “Let’s go outside,” Audrey whispers in my ear, her hand going directly for—yep, you got it—my dick. It responds because after all, it’s my dick and it likes to be touched, especially by girls. She smiles, her glossy lips stretching wide and she looks awfully pleased with herself. “I might let you fuck me out by the pool. No one will notice us.”