In The Dark

by Monica Murphy

  She nods furiously, her eyes popping open to meet mine. “You feel so good.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head. I can’t look at her like this. Not when she’s so goddamned beautiful it makes my heart hurt. I hate that I’m going to leave her. I hate that I only have a few hours with her left and then I’ll never see her again.

  But maybe it’s best. The way I feel for her after knowing her for only a brief time is nothing short of crazy. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t fall for a woman I can’t have. How fucking painful is this going to be when we can’t see each other anymore?

  Pretty fucking painful—at least for me.

  “Oh, God.” She sounds like she’s going to come and I increase my pace, my hips slamming against hers as I furiously rub her clit. My movements are clumsy, I’m losing all finesse as I chase after both her orgasm and mine and when she goes completely still beneath me, her head thrown back as her eyes close, I know she’s found it.

  I watch her come, feel the squeeze and release of her pussy milking my cock and that’s it. I’m coming too with a shuddery groan, pressing myself inside her as deep as I can go as the orgasm wrenches everything out of me.

  Being with her, listening to her, watching her, feeling her, wrenches everything out of me. I collapse on top of her, my breathing ragged, the occasional shudder still wracking my body. She runs her hands up and down my back in a comforting motion as she slowly kisses my neck.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could stop time. I don’t want this to end.

  Ever.

  Four weeks later…

  “You’re at your apartment?” Mama answers the phone in greeting.

  I roll my eyes and flop backwards onto my bed. My brand new mattress feels like a fluffy cloud though the pillows kind of suck. They’re too hard. “Hi to you too.”

  Mama heaves an irritated sigh. Since the moment I left home she’s called and texted constantly—and I’ve only been gone for two days. I appreciate her concern. Really I do. But it also makes me crazy. She’s so overprotective. I know she’s having a hard time letting go of her baby girl but I also think she needs independence from me. She’s young, and now that I’m gone, she can go out and do what she wants. She’s not even forty and she hasn’t been on a date in I don’t know how long.

  She deserves a life too. Just like I do. I think it’s finally time we both seek it.

  “I’m sorry,” I say softly. “Yes, I’m at the apartment. My bed was delivered this morning. It’s so nice and I bought really soft sheets with a matching comforter. Thank you again.” She bought the mattress for the new apartment though I insisted I could take my old mattress with me when I moved. She said I deserved something new and refused to listen when I said it was unnecessary.

  I’ve learned over the years sometimes it’s best to just let things go.

  “I’m so glad you like it,” Mama says. “How’s your roommate? Have you talked to her much?”

  “Yes, she’s very nice but she hasn’t been around. Her boyfriend is here with her and they’ve been spending a lot of time together before he has to go off to school.” As in, I’ve heard them in her room the last two nights, going at it like lovesick wildcats. Making me ache and yearn for something I can’t have anymore.

  More like someone I can’t have anymore. And who says I can’t find another guy at school who I’ll want to bang me like a lovesick wildcat?

  And why do I keep referencing lovesick wildcats? Who does that?

  Though as I suspected, Gabe has set the bar high when it comes to other men. As in I can’t stop thinking about him. We’ve texted a few times since he first left but he hasn’t been very responsive the last two weeks. I think he’s trying to sever all ties, which I totally get. There’s no point in carrying on. We’ve gone our separate ways. The moment I left Santa Barbara, though, it was a relief. I needed to get away from that house and the memories Gabe and I created.

  It was a great summer. I made a lot of money with an easy job, I made a new friend and I lost my virginity to the sexiest guy in the universe. I have no reason to complain.

  None.

  That I have to keep reminding myself of this fact is sort of pitiful.

  “Hmmm, so she’s having a boy at the apartment with just the two of you there? How inappropriate,” Mama says, dragging me out of my Gabe-filled thoughts.

  I almost say something in protest but decide not to. It’s like she lives in the dark ages. I just think she’s so overprotective of me she can’t help herself but sometimes it’s annoying. Especially when I’m a twenty-one year old woman who’s fully capable of taking care of herself, lone dude in the house with two supposed vulnerable females in the house or not.

  “It’s fine, Mama. They’re madly in love so what’s the harm?”

  “The harm is that he could ruin her life with one reckless decision.”

  Mama didn’t need to remind me what decision she’s talking about. “Not everyone goes out, has sex and immediately gets knocked up.”

  “I know that. Like you, mija. You’re a good girl. You don’t date any boys and don’t let them touch you either.” She sounds so reassured and confident I almost want to laugh.

  I also almost want to throw up. The guilt that hits me is pretty powerful. If she only knew exactly how many times I let Gabe touch me. The variety of ways. The endless sex we had those last thirty-six hours or so we were together. My thighs were sore for days after that particular adventure. He used me in the best possible way.

  And I enjoyed every single minute of it.

  “Listen, I’m tired.” I throw in a long, drawn out yawn for good measure. “And I should get going. Get a good night’s rest. I start classes tomorrow morning.”

  “Are you excited?”

  The cold ball of dread in my stomach reminds me of my exact mood. “I’m scared.”

  “Don’t be scared. You’ll be fabulous. I know you’ll do well, you always have. You’re such a smart girl, my darling. Just pay attention in class and listen to everything they have to say,” she reminds me.

  I almost roll my eyes again but restrain myself. “Love you, Mama.”

  “Love you too, sweetie. Take care and call me tomorrow! Let me know how everything goes.”

  I make my promises and end the call just as I hear the front door of the apartment open. I venture out slowly, peeking my head around my bedroom door before I head out into the hallway. I don’t hear the deep male voice of my new roommate Gina’s boyfriend so I assume she’s alone.

  When I find her curled up on the couch she brought with her when she moved in crying her eyes out, I follow my natural instincts and go to her, giving her a gentle hug. “Are you okay?”

  She shakes her head, her thick brown hair brushing against my face. Gina’s tall and statuesque and beautiful. She also seems to have money—at least more money than me—and from what I’ve seen in the extremely short amount of time we’ve lived together, she wears amazing clothes and shoes and she has a necklace with the word love formed in a gold pendant. She’s nothing like me but that’s okay. The whole part of being in college is meeting new and different people.

  Gina finally speaks. “My boyfriend left, drove back with my parents to L.A. He’s hopping a plane early tomorrow morning to go to his new college. I-I’ll p-probably never see him a-again,” she stutters right before she starts wailing in earnest.

  I tighten my arms around her almost awkwardly, not sure of what to say. “It’ll be all right.”

  She lifts her tear-stained face to stare at me. “He’ll find someone else.”

  “No he won’t. Why would he,” I say vehemently. “You’re beautiful.”

  “So?” She shrugs, looking hopeless. “He’s going to school with a bunch of other beautiful girls. Tons of beautiful girls he’s never seen before and he’s gorgeous. They’ll all want him. We’ve been together since high school. Being away from me, he could find someone new in an instant.”

  “No freaking way. How coul
d he do that to you?” I pull away to study her closely. “He’d be an idiot if he dumped you for some other dumb girl.”

  She shrugs. “Maybe Chad is an idiot. I don’t know. He could change. I could change.”

  Chad? That’s such a snotty rich boy name. He had that snotty rich boy look too, with the white polo shirts and the khaki shorts. “So you two have been together since high school?”

  “We met in geometry our junior year.” A sigh escapes her as she withdraws from my arms and settles back against the couch. I felt silly giving her a hug considering I don’t know her that well but she seems to appreciate it. “We’ve had our ups and downs but I know he’s the one for me. We graduated high school and went to our local community college together for the past two years.”

  That makes her about my age. “I’m surprised you’re going to different universities then, if you’ve stayed committed to each other that long.” Like, I’m really surprised. If she’s so crazy for Chad the rich boy then why aren’t they staying together?

  “His parents made him.” Her lips tighten into a thin, straight line. “They don’t really approve of me. They want someone for him that’s closer to their financial…stature.”

  My stomach twists. I wouldn’t doubt for a moment that if Gabe and I would’ve become serious—ha ha, that’s hilarious—his parents would feel the same about me as Chad’s parents feel about Gina. “I don’t judge. Heck, I can’t. I’m here on financial aid and student loans,” I confess softly.

  Her eyes widen with surprise. “Me too,” she whispers.

  I’m surprised. Maybe Chad showers her with gifts. Maybe that’s why she has so much fabulous stuff. It’s all starting to come together now. “So I don’t care what your financial stature is.” I make quote marks in the air when I say the words financial stature because who talks like that besides rich people? “I’ll like you for you. Not because of how much money you or your family makes.”

  “My parents are middle class and I have two brothers and a sister,” she admits. “I’m the oldest and I always had to help out with everything. This is the first taste of freedom I’ve ever experienced and I don’t want to miss a thing.”

  She presses her lips together, the guilty look in her eyes making me wonder if she believes she’s confessed a terrible sin.

  I want her to know that she’s not alone.

  “I’m an only child who was raised by a single mom. This is the first time I’ve ever been truly free of her meaningful yet overbearing ways.”

  Gina smiles and reaches out to grab hold of my hand. “I think you’ve just become my new best friend.”

  “Why the hell are you so grumpy?” Tristan socks me in the arm as he walks past me. Hard.

  The motherfucker.

  I’ve been grumpy since I left Santa Barbara a month ago. My parents are boggled by my attitude. I’m the easygoing one. The son who does what they want with no protest though I complain to everyone else who’ll listen—and my parents, they never listen. Funny enough, it’s my little sister Sydney who’s more of the rebel. She gave them a rash of shit when we first arrived in Texas and hasn’t let up since.

  Though I might not rebel against my parents verbally, I am the one who’s off screwing everything in a skirt, drinking myself into oblivion and running an illegal gambling house for the past three years while I’m in college. So I’m sowing my oats. Getting it out of my system. Whatever else Mom says with obvious disdain when we discuss my college life. As if she knows what it’s like to let loose and be bad. She left my grandparents’ home and married my dad at the ripe old age of nineteen.

  She’s been miserable ever since.

  “Not in the mood to head back onto campus tomorrow,” I finally mutter, knowing it’s a lame excuse. I’d rather be in school and give myself something to do than sit around and daydream about Lucy all day. That gets me absolutely nowhere.

  “Isn’t your work load easier this semester?” Tristan asks as he moves about the kitchen, grabbing himself a beer out of the refrigerator.

  I’m at Tristan and Shep’s house, hanging out since I have nothing else better to do. School starts tomorrow. We reopen for business on Wednesday. In the meanwhile I’ve been prepping and getting ready since I’m the one who actually owns and lives in the house where we run the gambling house.

  “I have a couple of extra courses I’d been putting off that I need to take care of this semester. I really don’t want to deal but not like I have a choice,” I tell him as I flick my chin in the direction of the beer clutched in his hand. “Grab me one of those, will you?”

  Tristan reopens the fridge, gets a beer and turns to toss it at me. Luckily enough I have quick reflexes and catch the bottle of beer before it could land on the floor and make a shitty mess.

  “You’re lucky you caught that,” a female voice says from behind me.

  I turn to find Jade scooting past me, a scowl on her face as she heads for Tristan. “And you’re a jackass for throwing it,” she says, stabbing him in the center of his chest with her index finger.

  “Ow.” Tristan rubs his chest where she poked him. “Why are you so hard on me all the time, J?”

  “Because you’re a complete asshole, T,” she says, mimicking his tone.

  I smirk as I twist the cap off my beer and set it on the counter. “She in charge of keeping you in line now too?” I ask before I take a swig.

  Tristan scowls at the both of us. “More like she keeps Shep in line.”

  “I’ll have you know that I keep her in line,” Shep says as he enters the kitchen from the other doorway that leads to the living room. He comes up behind his girlfriend and slips his arms around her, his hands resting across her stomach. “She needs a firm hand, let me tell you.”

  “Stop,” she mutters, slapping his forearm. But she’s smiling and Shep is kissing her neck so I assume they’re not really angry. And maybe she likes a firm hand. Lucy always seemed to like it when I bossed her around in bed.

  Watching them together these last few days since I’ve been home has been difficult. Makes me miss Lucy a lot, which is the craziest thing ever. There is no reason I should miss her. We had a fling. That’s it. That’s what I kept telling myself the entire time I was in Texas. Hell, after a few days of daily texting I started to wean myself off. Put distance between us.

  It was easier that way. I could convince myself that it was working, that I wouldn’t miss her as bad. Want her as bad. Funny thing is, I haven’t texted her in a solid two weeks. Haven’t seen her pretty face, kissed those amazing lips or touched that sexy body in a month and I want her so fucking bad I can hardly see straight.

  But I refuse to call her. Refuse to text her anymore. I need to let her go. Find some other pretty girl and get laid. That’ll help me move on, I’m sure of it.

  “We should go out tonight,” I suggest.

  “Oh, no,” Jade starts as Tristan offers a resounding hell yeah in answer.

  At least I have someone on my side.

  “Come on, Jade,” I say, watching as she turns back and sends a look in Shep’s direction. “You should go out with us tonight. Let Shep here come out to play.”

  “Fucker,” Shep says with an easy smile.

  “She’ll ruin our game,” Tristan says unapologetically. “Trust me, I’ve done this before. Shep used to be my wingman. Now he brings a cock blocker with him and she ruins everything.”

  “Did you just call me a cock blocker?” Jade sticks her tongue out at Tristan. “You are so incredibly mean.”

  He shrugs. “Just stating the truth.”

  They go at it like this all the time. I’ve come to discover it’s their thing. I’m the nice one, the one Jade likes the most. Besides Shep, that is. That’s our thing.

  “You don’t care if I go out with the boys, do you?” Shep asks, his voice low and intimate. He sounds like he’s asking permission—or being respectful of Jade’s feelings.

  I can’t quite tell the difference.

  “No, go out
. Have fun. I’ll stay home and roll around in bed naked, waiting for you.” She slips out of Shep’s arms and turns to face him, kissing him on the cheek. “I need to go. I’ll see you later?”

  “You know it. Love you,” Shep murmurs before he swats her on the ass and sends her out of the kitchen.

  I shake my head the minute she’s gone. “You are so gone over her.” I hadn’t seen it much in action since I was away all summer but those two seem to have it really bad for each other.

  Shep shrugs. “I’m in love with her.”

  He says it so matter of fact, like it’s no big deal while I’m standing here trying to wrap my brain around the concept of love. What the hell is love anyway? My parents act like they were forced to be together most of the time. None of my friends have ever admitted to falling in love before. Not until Shep.

  Makes me wonder if there’s a chance at love for me.

  “The more time I spend with her, the more I know that I want to be with her. Like, all the time. I genuinely like her. I value her opinion, she makes me laugh, she makes me think. And the sex is fucking unbelievable,” Shep explains, a sly grin on his face.

  “She sounds like the perfect woman,” I say. His description of Jade reminds me of how I felt about Lucy.

  That particular realization makes me miss her more than ever.

  So freaking stupid.

  “Jade is the perfect woman for me,” Shep say with a nod.

  “They’re disgusting together,” Tristan mutters, causing both of us to turn and look at him. He drains his beer before he opens the fridge and grabs another one, twisting the top off so it makes a hissing sound. “All lovey dovey and shit.”

  “You’re just jealous,” Shep says, making Tristan scowl at him.

  “Not even close. You couldn’t pay me enough money in the world to be tied down to one woman.” Tristan waves his beer bottle in my direction. “And I know Gabe here feels the same.”