Debase (Elite Bratva Brotherhood Book 1)

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Because it was all of my soul that I had left.

  And the thought of sharing it with someone was unthinkable. The damage insurmountable.

  I had one thing no one could take from me.

  And I refused to be weak enough to give it.

  Despite the dress.

  My eyes lowered.

  I used to burn people alive. I could handle a dress.

  She moved ahead of me; my hand slid down to her ass.

  I would rather burn a body.

  She was the fire wasn’t she?

  And I was burning from the inside out.

  I exhaled. “Rico.” My voice sounded funny, like it knew the rest of me was teetering out of control. “I need Mary.”

  Rico was another Italian transplant. he loved working the bar because he got the most action when people got out of trouble.

  He also heard the most secrets.

  His head was shaved bald, and he had at least a million different colored beanies. The guy was almost too hipster to walk down the street without at least an organic coffee in hand.

  “Sure thing, Boss.” He winked at Alice. I tugged her closer to me. He just shook his head and smiled. I was being possessive. I knew Rico had a crush on Ax, even though Ax was married, but still, I was ready to fight for what was mine.

  Alice stilled next to me when Rico disappeared behind the bar and then returned with what could only be described as the oldest tarantula in existence.

  When I held it in one hand, its legs almost draped over the edges of my fingertips. She was mostly gray and black with a few bits of red fur.

  Alice smiled down at him and held out her hand.

  “Keep it flat,” I instructed.

  “Okay.”

  Was she really excited? About holding a tarantula? It was against humanity to like spiders, right? Didn’t women run away screaming when they saw spiders? Snakes? Mice?

  She looked ready to kiss him.

  I growled low in my throat, suddenly aware that I was making Mary anxious as she lifted a leg toward me, then another.

  I refused to apologize to a thing.

  So, I stared her down and waited for the transfer.

  Rico held her out and she crawled slowly onto Alice’s hands, she had both out since Mary was so big.

  I heard hollering from the guys, and the girls all looked ready to pull out their guns and shoot the poor spider.

  “She’s beautiful,” Alice said reverently.

  I stared at her, really stared at her. “You’re surprising in more ways than one, dorogaya” I itched to touch her neck, to smell her skin, to climb inside her head and ask her why she was so intrigued by something so simple, by something that most people would say was evil.

  She held Mary closer to her face. “Look at those eyes.”

  I wasn’t looking at Mary at all.

  And I would bet that the entire establishment agreed with my assessment of Alice’s eyes.

  Stunning.

  Like cut ice.

  Perfect in every way.

  I jerked my attention away from her face and down to Mary. “She’s very old.”

  “I like her,” Alice said in a soothing voice. “You probably think it’s strange, but I’ve always liked things I don’t understand. Things that people cross out as evil or scary are just misunderstood, don’t you think?”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  The spider slowly started crawling up her arm.

  Mary never crawled up anyone.

  She kept moving until she rested on Alice’s shoulder like a fucking parrot, and then she seemed to just… relax against her skin.

  The hell?

  I eyed Rico.

  He just shrugged. “Animals are good judges of character.”

  “It’s a spider,” I pointed out.

  “Actually, tarantulas are considered part of the crab family,” Alice piped up and held out her finger to Mary, who proceeded to lift her leg and touch her finger like they were high fiving.

  That was when I noticed every one of the guys was watching in stunned silence while the girls held up their phones taking pictures and videos.

  Somehow, she’d earned their respect through a tarantula.

  Somehow, she’d distracted them from the obvious.

  And she’d done it by showing love and affection to something most people would shoot first and ask questions of later.

  Too close to home.

  My stomach clenched.

  This woman, this girl, was doing things without realizing it, making me feel when I didn’t want to.

  I wanted the pain.

  And then the numbness.

  But she kept pulling off the bandages and poking at the scars.

  One day, I feared I’d get up and explode every fucking one and fall to my knees in hopes she’d accept them.

  It couldn’t happen.

  Not now. Not ever.

  Submit to no one.

  Submit to no one.

  No. One.

  “All right, you’ve proved your point,” I said in an aggravated voice “Rico, take Mary?”

  Alice was too close.

  I was seconds from reaching for her.

  From doing something that I couldn’t come back from.

  It would alter me.

  I wanted nothing to do with it.

  The minute the spider was out of reach, I grabbed Alice by the arm and led her away from the guys.

  “Another round,” I called to Rico, “Let them know I’ll be right back.”

  “You got it.”

  “Andrei?” Alice’s voice was sweet. She wasn’t even worried that I was dragging her half across the club by her arm. “Are you okay?”

  “Am I okay?” I laughed without a hint of humor “Are you?”

  “Yes?”

  I pushed her against the dark corridor that she had walked through. “Who did you wear this dress for?”

  She reared back. “Does it matter?”

  “Yes.”

  Her eyes searched mine. “I thought… I don’t know, I wanted to look nice, and then I thought you might like it.”

  “You thought…” I chuckled darkly. “That I might like it?”

  She gulped. “Yes.”

  I gripped the fabric at her thighs and slowly pulled it up. “And what did you imagine would happen if I liked it too much?” My hand stilled.

  She sucked in a breath her eyes panicked. “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do.” I pressed my body against her, my hand still on the bottom of her dress. “Did you think I’d fall to my knees? Or maybe that I’d strip you out of it later, lick my way down your body, give you multiple orgasms until we’re both exhausted?”

  She shook her head. “No, that’s not—”

  “Drive me crazy on purpose, and I may just take you up on that offer. Then again, I figure you’re not the sort of girl to dress for a man she doesn’t like. So why did you wear the dress?”

  “Why does it matter?”

  “It matters.” I needed to know she wasn’t thinking about seducing me. I needed to know she was different. I needed to know it wasn’t about me.

  “I wanted,” she said in a thick voice, “to make you proud.”

  I jerked away from her. “What?”

  She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “You heard me.”

  “You don’t need my praise.”

  “And yet I wanted it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because sometimes girls like to be told they’re pretty, and because I knew you called in a favor to get everyone here so I wouldn’t feel trapped. I wore this dress because I thought it would complement what you were wearing, and I wanted you to be proud,” Her eyes lit up with tears. “Proud of your whore.”

  “Damn it, Alice!” I roared slamming my hands on either side of her head as she squeezed her eyes shut. “You’re not my whore!”

  “But—”

  My mouth crashed down across hers so fier
cely I almost lost my footing. As she wrapped her arms around my neck, I slid her body against the wall, shoving her skirt up past her thighs, then pulling her legs around me as I gripped her ass, deepening the kiss.

  She moaned my name.

  I was not myself.

  I was undone.

  Out of control.

  Crazed, as her nails dug into the back of my shirt and tried to pull it over my body. I rocked my hips against her core, she was hot everywhere, molten lava, ready for me, ready for this.

  It was unnaturally right, the attraction I had for her, the way her body molded against mine like our souls had been separated and only just found each other again.

  I angled my head to the left, deepening the kiss, my tongue pressed against hers, dominating and submitting all at once, her hands moved to my hair tugging on it, mussing it as I turned us around and shoved her against the opposite wall her hands moved down my chest pulling my shirt open as her fingertips touched my chest.

  A throat cleared.

  I was going to kill whoever that throat belonged to.

  Slowly I pulled back and looked to my left. “What?”

  It was Phoenix. He had a knowing look on his face. “Oh, I was just looking for the bathroom.”

  My nostrils flared.

  He didn’t smile.

  What? He went from my mentor to my babysitter.

  “Wrong hallway,” I snapped.

  “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.” He sighed.

  Slowly I released Alice. As she slid down the wall, her face ducked into my shoulder, I held her there. “Phoenix…”

  “The guys want to talk about the De Lange girl that was brought in… they won’t let it go, so I figured you’d want to know that information… hmm?”

  “Yes,” I rasped, then fully released Alice and ran my hands through my hair, my chest still heaving. “Fine.”

  “Go ahead.” Phoenix said with deathly calm. “I want to talk to Alice for a minute.”

  I knew she was safe with him.

  I didn’t want to leave.

  “Andrei, I rarely use any sort of authority with you because I consider you a friend. Right now, I need you to go sit with the guys and talk.”

  “Kill her, and I come after your entire family.”

  “I know,” Phoenix said seriously.

  I shared a look with Alice, nodded, and walked off.

  The only thing I heard was Phoenix’s first sentence. “He will be the death of you.”

  I wished I could say that he was wrong.

  He wasn’t.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Phoenix

  “I’m not going to kill you.” I said it softly even though it didn’t look like she believed me. She was plastered against the wall; her lipstick smudged her pride probably a bit bruised. “I am, however, going to help you.”

  That got her attention. “What?”

  “You know who I am?” I crossed my arms and leaned on the opposite wall.

  She swallowed. “Yes.”

  “You know there isn’t anything that happens in this godforsaken world without my permission? Without my knowledge?”

  She lowered her head. “Yes.”

  “You know I’ll snap your neck before letting you hurt him?”

  Her head jerked up. “Me hurt him?”

  “Ah you thought I was here to talk about your real last name. No, Alice, I’m not here to discuss you, I’m here to discuss him.”

  “But—” She held out her hands in front of her like she was trying to use the air to brace herself. “I don’t understand?”

  “He’s…” I searched for the right word. “Unfeeling.”

  “What?”

  “When you touch him, it hurts.”

  “I know.”

  “No,” I said through clenched teeth. “You couldn’t possibly know the pain associated with human touch for Andrei or the sacrifice he makes when he holds your hand or kisses your body. He’s at war with himself because for the first time in his life he wants something, but he doesn’t know how to do anything except… hurt.”

  Her face fell. “You’re saying he’ll hurt me.”

  “I’m saying he has twenty-two years of pent-up rage and sexual aggression; I’m saying if you want him, want whatever this is between you two, you go all the way. You half ass it and he will murder you and sleep in your blood. And the man who still finds a way to smile even when he has no reason to will be gone, and I’ll blame you. We will all blame you for taking the last part of his soul with you because you couldn’t seem to control yourself around a man with his looks, his power.”

  “He terrifies me,” she confessed. “I feel like I should be running, and every time I start on the path away from him, it ends up leading exactly back to where I shouldn’t be. In the monster’s arms.”

  I smiled at that. “Yeah well, sometimes the monsters are better in bed.”

  She laughed.

  “I’m not kidding.” I shrugged. “Men are mortal, and monsters…”

  She locked eyes with me. “They’re more.”

  “So much more,” I whispered. “You need to decide, and soon. Once you’re in deep with him, I can’t do anything.”

  “And my other option?”

  I stared through her. “I make you disappear, give you a new name, new identity, I give you everything you need to start over. Away from this life.”

  Her eyes lit up

  Shit, he was going to hate me.

  “Really?” She was going to take me up on it.

  Fuck.

  “Really.” I nodded.

  “Can I think about it?”

  “You have twenty-four hours.”

  She gave me one final small nod.

  I started walking away and then stopped. I knew she was watching, listening to me. “Something to think about…”

  “What?” she asked in that soft voice of hers.

  “You would be his first.”

  “First?”

  “Everything.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “His only.”

  “What are you saying?”

  I looked back over my shoulder and made sure I had her full attention. “Deep down, you know.”

  “Maybe you should just explain it so—”

  “The first woman to bring him to his knees, the first woman to keep him there, the first woman to touch him where no one’s allowed to even look, the first woman to take what’s left of his innocence while handing him the remnants of yours,” I whispered. “He would give you the final pieces. And if you took them and left, you would be doing more than leaving a monster — you’d be unleashing on the world absolute fucking chaos.”

  I walked away.

  I didn’t want to see the shock on her face.

  Or the truths etched there.

  Because I wasn’t sure what would happen if she did walk away.

  If she chose herself over something with Andrei.

  And when I made it back to Bee’s side, I knew she saw the strain in my face, the energy that had left me completely exhausted.

  “You okay?” she whispered, laying her head on my shoulder while Andrei and the guys ordered more drinks.

  “Never,” I answered honestly. “I just learn how to deal.”

  “I know.”

  “What do you love about a man like me?” I wondered out loud in a moment of temporary weakness, vulnerability.

  And then my wife turned to me and kissed me softly on the lips. “I love the man. I embrace the darkness, I feed it, I soothe it. You ask me what I love about a man like you? You’re not merely a man, Phoenix Nicolasi. You’re so much more than that. I love every dark twisted part of you, and I would search the depths of Hell for your soul if I had to. It would be easier to ask me what I don’t love…”

  Stunned, I stared for a few seconds then said, “What don’t you love?”

  She grinned up at me. “You steal the covers.”

  I burst out laughing and
pulled her into my arms. “Is that all?”

  “Well you haven’t kissed me in an hour, that’s pissing me off.”

  I kissed her.

  And then I earned a glare from Tex.

  I just shot him a middle finger and kept kissing his sister, my wife, wondering if Andrei would ever find the same happiness, when he was so hell bent on pushing everyone away.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Andrei

  Alice returned around ten minutes later, her skin a bit flushed and her eyes distant. Whatever Phoenix told her; it wasn’t good.

  “Did you kick her after you killed her spirt or before?” I mumbled under my breath reaching for another shot.

  What was that? Seven? Eight?

  I eyed her damn dress again.

  Did it even matter at this point? I downed the shot and waited.

  “I just gave her some…” He shrugged. “Perspective.”

  “God save us when you’re the one giving perspective,” I grumbled and then felt myself smiling.

  Phoenix stared at me a bit longer than necessary. “How much have you had to drink?”

  Alice laughed at something Trace said as I reached for another shot. “Not enough, not even close.”

  “Alcohol makes it hard not to…” He started using his hands why the hell was he using his hands like that? “I wouldn’t suggest it.”

  “You didn’t even finish your sentence and I’m the one drinking too much?” I snorted into my vodka shot.

  It was smooth.

  Clean as I tossed it back.

  “We’re headed home.” Nixon approached, hand outstretched. “Thanks for the interesting night. We’ll talk next week about the De Lange girl.”

  Shit.

  “We will,” I agreed, shaking his hand while Trace gave me a drunken finger wave. One by one everyone left, finally, including Phoenix and Bee.

  “Water.” Phoenix tossed me a bottle. “And try to just…” Why was he looking at me so damn funny. “To just trust… the moment.”

  I gave him a blank stare and then burst out laughing. “The fuck? Are you giving me sex advice?”

  “No.” He looked away.

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “You should go before you embarrass yourself.”

  “I don’t have the ability to get embarrassed.” Phoenix shrugged when I opened my eyes. “And I’m not the one purposely trying to get drunk.”