Shameless WIth Him: A Less Than Novel

by Ryan, Carrie Ann

  “You always call him Caleb Carr when you’re talking about him. You never called me Amelia Carr, or Dimitri and Devin with their last names. Caleb was always special.”

  I knew I was blushing, so I ducked my head. “I think Caleb likes it when I call him that.”

  Amelia looked down, and Erin laughed. “Okay, we are being very broad in our definition of descriptions here. I don’t want to know too much about what my brother may or may not like.”

  I laughed at Amelia and shook my head. “I wasn’t talking about anything dirty. It’s just when we talk, or fight, I tend to say his name like that. I can’t help it.”

  “How long have you had a crush on him, Zoey?” Erin asked, her voice soft.

  I froze, swallowed. “Not that long,” I lied.

  “You don’t have to lie to us,” she said, her voice soft. “We’re not going to judge you.”

  “It doesn’t matter when it started, it’s the now we’re figuring out. It’s probably just casual. You know, just a little interlude in our lives where we get to know each other, have fun, and then we walk away as friends. Because I don’t want to walk away as anything but friends. You know?” I said quickly.

  Amelia’s eyes darkened, and she nodded. “I know. Just don’t do what I did and imagine the end before you enjoy the beginning and the middle.”

  “I did the same thing,” Erin added. “I was waiting for the shoe to drop, and Devin to leave, so much that I almost missed what was right in front of me. So, don’t forget what’s good and enjoy what’s now.”

  They looked so worried for me that I was a little worried, too.

  I just smiled and nodded. “I promise I’m not going to do anything stupid. Other than, you know, sleeping with your brother,” I said quickly, and Amelia screamed.

  “Oh my God, you slept together?”

  “I thought you had already figured that out,” I said, holding back a laugh.

  “You hadn’t said the words before,” she said, wincing.

  “So, how was it?” Erin asked, and Amelia clamped her hands over her ears.

  “No, do not say that. I do not want to know.”

  “You can just give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down,” Erin said, and Amelia screamed again.

  “Close your eyes, you wuss,” Erin said, still laughing.

  “I don’t know if I should tell you,” I said, this time trying not to burst into a fit of giggles.

  “Oh, you should totally tell us,” Erin said. “This is what girls’ night is for. Cheese, wine, and penises.”

  “Stop saying penis when you’re talking about my brothers. I need new friends. Ones that aren’t sleeping with my brothers,” Amelia said.

  “Oh, come on, maybe you shouldn’t have brothers with amazing dicks,” I said, laughing when Amelia threw a throw pillow at me. I caught it before it knocked into the wine bottle and shook my head. “You’re such a baby,” I said, and Amelia flipped me off.

  “I’m going to find a way to get you back for this. All of you.” Then she closed her eyes, and Erin grinned.

  “Okay, thumbs up or thumbs down.”

  I knew I should probably be discreet and not talk about Caleb when he wasn’t here, however, I couldn’t help it. I was excited. This was new for me. This was everything that I had ever wanted, even though we didn’t know exactly what was happening.

  So, I held up both thumbs, and wiggled my butt, grinning widely.

  Erin laughed, and Amelia groaned.

  “Is she making penis hand gestures or something? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

  “You can open your eyes now,” I said, laughing. “I’m not going to talk about how I defiled your brother,” I said, fluttering my eyelashes.

  “Oh, yeah, Caleb was totally a virgin,” Amelia said, rolling her eyes. And then she froze and put her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry,” she mumbled.

  “What?” I said, truly not hurt at all. “Do you think I actually thought Caleb was a virgin? I have met so many of his girlfriends in my life, it’s a little ridiculous. I could probably write a tell-all book, and it’d end up being five hundred pages long, and I’d still miss a few,” I said honestly.

  “Does that bother you?” Amelia asked.

  “Does what bother me?”

  “That he’s been with so many women? I mean, I don’t think he slept with all of them,” Amelia said, wincing. “No, I don’t want to think about all of that. However, I don’t think he’s slept with every woman he’s been on a date with.”

  “Well, if he did, his number would be a little staggering,” I said dryly. “But I don’t know, I don’t think it bothers me that he has a past with women. He’s allowed to. And I’ve always seen him treat women wonderfully. And every ex that’s ever come up to us recently has been sweet with him, but never jealous or rude.”

  “I swear, Denver’s the biggest small town ever,” Erin said. “I keep running into my ex, so I can only imagine what it’s like for you and Caleb.”

  I reached out and squeezed Erin’s hand.

  Erin smiled. “It’s fine, really. I’ve truly moved on. And you can’t exactly change your past with Caleb, but you can look forward to a future.”

  I shrugged.

  “I don’t want to look only forward, because that’s where disappointment can lie. I’m allowed to live in the moment and help plan three weddings all at once, and just have fun. I’m allowed to have fun.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Amelia kissed my temple, and Erin kissed the other, and then we ate some cheese, drank some wine, and purposely did not talk about dicks. Mostly because I was afraid Amelia might actually hurt me.

  By the time they left, I was full, happy, and thinking about another glass of wine. The doorbell rang, and I frowned, wondering if it was one of the girls.

  I opened it and froze. “Caleb,” I whispered, my throat dry.

  “Hey there. Devin said that Erin was just getting home, so I thought I’d stop by.”

  “You didn’t call or text, right? I didn’t miss something, did I?” I reached into my pocket to get my phone, but he put his hand on my arm and shook his head.

  “I thought I’d surprise you. Pretend that we’re living in a pre-cellphone era. Like the stone age.”

  I snorted. “I know, how did people deal with others just randomly showing up on their doorstep? Or, God, using the phone for talking rather than texting.”

  I shuddered and then moved back so Caleb could come inside.

  “I can leave if you want some time alone.”

  “No, it was a good night, and the girls had to go to their men.

  “So, I guess your man came to you?” Caleb asked, and my eyes widened. He laughed and shook his head. “We don’t have to actually call me your man. Though, it’s kind of weird. I’m not used to being all possessive like that. Who knew?”

  He leaned down and rubbed his lips on mine, and I was so still for a moment, I thought this was a dream. The man of my crushes since I was a child was here, his lips on mine, and he was here because he wanted to be. He wanted to see me.

  And I hadn’t even asked him to come over.

  How is this my life?

  I moaned, and he leaned back, biting my lip gently before kissing the sting away.

  “Well, we could Netflix and chill, if you want,” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

  “No one actually says that. We’re not like twenty or something and trying to be cool.”

  “True, but let’s watch a movie. I’m exhausted, and frankly, I just wanted to hang out. Is that okay?”

  I swallowed hard. “I think that sounds wonderful. But if I fall asleep, don’t make fun of me if I snore or drool.”

  He tucked my hair behind my ear, and I fell a little bit more in love with him than I should have.

  “I promise. As long as you do the same.”

  “Deal. What movie do you want?”

  “I guess we’re going to have to fight over it.” He grinned, took me t
o the living room, and I did my best not to fall. Not on my face, but in my heart. Because I couldn’t love him as much as I thought I did just then. I couldn’t let this crush be anything more than it was. I needed to go slow.

  Because my plan that wasn’t a plan was coming to fruition, and I was so afraid of what would happen once I let myself go and believed in it.

  Chapter 12

  Caleb

  “Why are we calling it a stag party instead of a bachelor party?” one of the other groomsmen asked as I leaned against the leather interior of the limo we were currently riding in.

  “Because it sounds better than a bachelor party?” I answered, shrugging.

  “I don’t know, this sort of sounds like we’re all going to rut on each other or something,” the guy said, clearly having had a little too much whiskey at the first stop we’d been at.

  John sat next to me, his shoulders shaking as he tried to hold back laughter.

  I just glared at him. “Hey, you need to deal with this. These are your friends.”

  John wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Hey, we can all be your friends. We all come from different walks of life, but we’re coming here for a common purpose. The stag.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “You had one drink. One drink at that whiskey and cigar bar.”

  “I think the smell of cigars got me drunk.”

  “I don’t think that can actually happen,” I said, but John just shook his head.

  “I like the word stag because it’s British. Isn’t it?” I stared at him. “Back in the old Georgian or Regency days, isn’t that what they would call it? And I think they still do over there. Anyway, I wanted to sound fancy. And so did my future wife.” John grinned. “My future wife. Don’t you just love hearing that? Wife wife wife wife wife.”

  I held back a smile, letting John continue talking about stags and British people and his future wife. John was only one drink into the evening, and he was already a little tipsy. But that was John for you. He just couldn’t hold his liquor, and that’s why I knew John would be drinking club soda for the rest of the night.

  I too was drinking club soda all night, but mostly I wanted to have my wits about me. Someone needed to be the responsible one in the group, I just hadn’t known it would be me. When had that happened? When did I become the responsible one?

  How scary was that?

  I wasn’t usually the person who held back and made sure everybody else was doing what they should, but you know, time changed a man. That and a possible brain tumor that wasn’t actually a brain tumor. Yeah, that did things, too. Not to mention the fact that I was actually worried that Zoey might hurt me if I let anything happen to John. Oh, I didn’t want anything to happen to John. But Zoey was so stressed out over everything that Lacey needed her to do, especially over the past couple of weeks when things had started to really move along, that I did not want anything to put her over the edge.

  I didn’t know when she had become a driving force in my decisions. Though maybe I liked it. Or perhaps I just needed to pretend that that wasn’t the case.

  “Where are we heading next?” John asked.

  “The comic shop,” I answered for the third time in as many minutes since the entire group kept asking. “Remember, you’re the one who helped me make the itinerary.”

  John just grinned. “Oh, yeah, we get the whole night with comics.”

  “But no booze allowed in there,” I said, glaring at the rest of the guys. Be on your best behavior. And if you hurt any of those precious comics, you not only have to buy them, the two-hundred-and-fifty-pound muscular guy who owns the place might actually kill you.”

  “I could take him,” one of the guys said, flexing his muscles. The guy was an actual bodybuilder, so he might be able to take the owner of the comic shop, but that wasn’t something I wanted to risk.

  “Or we could just not be assholes.” I winked as I said it and sipped at my club soda as we pulled into the parking lot.

  “You’re no fun,” one of the guys said, thankfully joking.

  “Hey, we always need a sober one,” John said, already less drunk than he had been before. It didn’t take long for John to get drunk, but he usually fought through all of the booze haze pretty quickly.

  “That is true. Never thought it would be you, Caleb,” the drunkest guy said, giggling.

  A grown man, giggling. How much whiskey had they had behind my back?

  “Well, I’m just keeping you guys alive. Because that man could kill you with one hand.”

  “But, comics. I’m excited. Are we allowed to buy things tonight? I don’t remember. No more whiskey for me.” There was reverence in John’s tone that made me smile.

  “You can buy anything you want, but I am going to be holding your credit card,” I said, shaking my head as John mock pouted.

  “We don’t want you spending your entire honeymoon budget on comics.”

  “I would never do that.” The man looked clearly affronted, but I couldn’t help but snort.

  Tonight was an interesting night: comics, whiskey and cigars, and later, we would hit a dive bar, one that I knew well that actually had fun drinks and a good atmosphere. It wasn’t what I would’ve imagined as the perfect bachelor party, but I never really thought of my own.

  An image of Zoey in a white dress at the end of an aisle filled my brain, and I almost choked.

  Okay, what had I put into that club soda? We’d only been together a few weeks, and we were casual, nothing serious. We couldn’t get serious. Because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And even though I hadn’t had a full-blown migraine since Dimitri had helped me that night, they could come at any moment. And I didn’t want to fuck anything up. So, thinking about Zoey in a wedding dress when we weren’t anywhere near there yet was stupid.

  I had to keep things slow, casual. We had to remain friends who sometimes slept together and hung out and did things together.

  Jesus, I needed to take a step back.

  Things were getting far too serious too quickly in the back of my mind if I was already having weird thoughts like Zoey in a wedding dress. I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my head and waited until we got into the comic shop to try and catch my breath.

  Zoey.

  Wedding dress.

  Jesus.

  I leaned against the wall, watching everybody. I liked reading, and I enjoyed comic movies and TV shows, but I wasn’t a huge fan of reading comic books. They just weren’t my cup of tea, but I loved the way John’s eyes lit up as he looked at all of them. It was like he was a little kid again.

  Nobody was sloppy, or too drunk to have fun in here, and so they talked DC versus Marvel, the new Joker, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl.

  Then they went into the obscure ones, ones I had never even heard of before, even though someone brought up Wolverine, and I grinned. Yeah, Wolverine was my kind of guy.

  My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out of my pocket.

  Zoey: Everything going okay?

  My heart sped up at the sight of her name, and I cursed. Shit, I couldn’t get too close. Not when I didn’t know what was happening. And, hell, not when we were just trying to figure out what was going on between us. We had to go slow, couldn’t get too serious.

  I almost didn’t text her back, but then I didn’t want to be an asshole either. There had to be a middle ground.

  Me: We’re at the comic shop now.

  Zoey: I love that you’re doing that. Finding anything you like?

  Me: I’m just watching them. Making sure they don’t act like idiots.

  Zoey: I’m glad that they have you. When are you done tonight?

  My dick pressed against my zipper, and I cursed at it. She wasn’t asking me over, wasn’t asking to see me. But, of course, my dick wanted her.

  I ignored everything else inside me that wanted to see her, too. Because I had to ignore it. I couldn’t be too needy.

  Me: We have that bar afterwards if they’re
still up for it, but I think John’s getting tired. He’s worked doubles all week, and I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to go home.

  Zoey: I just left Lacey at home with a book so she could relax.

  I frowned, thinking I got the dates wrong.

  Me: She didn’t stay out late for your bachelorette party?

  Zoey: No, she didn’t really want a big one. She already had that bridal shower. So, tonight, a few of us went out to dinner, but that was it. No huge stripper party or anything.

  Me: Good. Because I really don’t think you’re allowed to go see strippers.

  Fuck, I hadn’t meant to sound so possessive. Because I couldn’t be that way with her. Zoey wasn’t mine. We were just friends. Doing this casual thing.

  Zoey: Don’t worry, mister. No strip clubs for me. I’m not a huge fan of glitter.

  Me: Well, they would be wearing the glitter. And you better not get any glitter on you if you ever go to one.

  Zoey: LOL.

  Me: So, what are you doing now?

  Zoey: Just hanging at home and reading. I should probably work on my accounting or do something. But I’m just not in the mood.

  Me: You want me to stop over after I’m done?

  I hadn’t actually meant to text that, but suddenly my fingers were moving, and I couldn’t take it back.

  Things were getting a little too serious, too fast, but I wanted to be near her.

  Fuck.

  Zoey: If you want. It’d be nice to see you. It’s been a couple of days. Unless you stay up too late with the boys.

  I looked up as John played with his phone, and the other guys started to slow down.

  Me: Give me an hour or two.

  Zoey: See you soon.

  I ignored the way my gut clenched, and my heart raced at that.

  Crap.

  We couldn’t be anything more than we were. I couldn’t let that happen. But I had a feeling I was going to.

  The guys and I ended up going to that bar, but only for about thirty minutes. They hadn’t been in the mood, and frankly, I wanted to get out of there and get to Zoey. That probably made me a fool, but I couldn’t help it. I was losing my mind when it came to her, and that thought just reminded me that I had already been losing my mind for many things.