Shameless WIth Him: A Less Than Novel

by Ryan, Carrie Ann

  How could I put those two images together—the boy he had been who’d evolved into the caring man I knew, with the man who had broken me?

  “I don’t know,” he said, and he let out a sigh. “Can you come in? I’d like to talk to you.”

  “Now? You want to talk now.” I smiled, but there was nothing happy about it. I didn’t want to be bitter, though. This wasn’t me. And I couldn’t let this change me more than it already had. This was our first true fight, and I didn’t know if it was going to be our last.

  Because he was in a hospital bed, I took the few steps into the room and closed the door behind me.

  “I really shouldn’t be here. You need some sleep.”

  “No, don’t go.”

  “Your sister called me and told me what happened.”

  He swallowed hard. “She told you everything?”

  “About the doctor visits, why you moved here, everything. It’s something you should’ve done. We were together for how long? And even if it was just a pity fuck the entire time, I deserve better than that.”

  I wasn’t crying, I was angry.

  At my use of crude language, Caleb’s eyes widened. “Jesus, Zoey. You were never a pity fuck.”

  “But that’s what you made me feel like today. By bringing her.”

  “Christy’s just a friend. I told you that. And she knew that going in.”

  “Yes, I actually met her.” His eyes went wide. He looked comical, and I let out a rueful laugh. “Yes, she came up to me to make sure that I knew that she wasn’t poaching. That she had only come to make sure you knew what a great girl I was or some crap like that. And the thing is? Just like with every other woman I’ve met who’s been with you, I couldn’t hate her.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I shook my head, a smile playing on my lips at my own naivety. “I couldn’t hate her because you didn’t treat her poorly. And she walked away happy. Even if she couldn’t have you, she was still happy in the end. I’ve never understood that. How you could go through so many women throughout your life, and they could all walk away knowing that they had a part of you. Still feeling fulfilled in the end.”

  “Zoey.”

  “I’m not done yet.”

  “You’re right.” He closed his mouth, studying me. What would he see? The remains of the woman who had loved him? The scorned woman who felt as if she could burn this place to the ground?

  Or Zoey. Hopeless. Lost. And here.

  “Every time I saw you outside of our group of friends, you were always with another woman. Even when we were eight and in Hawaii with that little girl that pushed me into the water by accident, you were still with another woman.”

  “I was eight, and she wasn’t my girlfriend.”

  “You gave her your last piece of gum. That is like a vow of marriage when you’re eight.”

  “Zoey.”

  “I’m just saying. Every time. Every state. Every long-distance meeting. At the campsite, at college.”

  “I don’t want to talk about college.”

  “Tough shit. Because we’re going to. I’ve always had a crush on you, Caleb. And I know part of you has always known that.”

  He didn’t say anything, but I saw the answers in his eyes.

  I let out a breath and started to pace. “And I don’t even know why I’m baring myself to you right now, but I guess I’m kind of tired of hiding things. Maybe like you’re tired of hiding the fact that you’re sick. But, no, you didn’t tell me that. You had to pass out at my sister’s wedding.” I held up a hand as he almost started to speak again. “But I digress. I’ll get back to that in a minute. You hurt me, Caleb. You hurt me using someone from your past. And, yes, you said it was platonic, just friends, and I truly believe that. Because I don’t think you’re that cruel. I don’t think you would actually cheat on me. But you still did something in the vague vicinity of infidelity. And part of me is angry at myself for even letting it get this far.”

  “None of this is on you,” he said quickly.

  “Part of it is. I should have asked for labels. I should have said that we were exclusive. Because we never put those parameters on our relationship. So, I honestly can’t get angry about that.”

  “Yeah, you can. I was an asshole.”

  “I’m glad we both agree on that.” I smiled ruefully. “Anyway, I can get over Christy. Because I like her.” I let out a laugh. “Just like I liked every single other woman who’s ever been in your life. Because they’re amazing women, and you have great taste. But I don’t think I can get over the fact that you didn’t tell me you were sick. I asked you point-blank if you were feeling okay several times, and you said, ‘oh, it’s just a headache.’ But you had migraines. To the point where you’re in a hospital right now and waiting on test results. Migraines that made you move from Alaska to Colorado. And you never told me. Why? Why did you feel that you couldn’t trust me with this information? You told your family, but you didn’t tell me. The woman you’re sleeping with. The person you spend most of your time with. That tells me that I was nothing more than just a warm body in a bed for you. Because you needed to tell me that. You should have. And I don’t know what to do about the fact that you couldn’t and didn’t.” Tears fell freely down my cheeks, and Caleb moved, trying to get closer.

  A nurse walked in with a frown. “Your vitals are up. Don’t bother him, miss.”

  “It’s fine,” Caleb said gruffly. “I’m fine. Leave us alone, okay?”

  The nurse raised a brow.

  I turned. “I’m almost done, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be calm.”

  “And I didn’t mean to be rude. I apologize. I’m a bastard. I know it. We just need a minute.”

  The nurse looked at both of us, gave us a tight nod, and then walked away.

  “I don’t know how to explain it other than I was scared.”

  I looked at him then, surprised. “What?” I said.

  “I was scared,” he repeated. “I didn’t tell my brothers or Amelia until well after I had moved back here. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. I had a hallucination in Alaska, Zoey. Saw things that weren’t there. And I was afraid. I couldn’t work in my old job, couldn’t trust myself, so I came here. Now, I work behind a fucking desk because I was scared. And, yeah, I like my job now, but I changed everything in my life because I didn’t have the answers. And I was too chickenshit to do anything about it.”

  I wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but I held myself back. I didn’t know if I could hold him, and frankly, I didn’t know if I had that right anymore. If I ever had. “I just really wish you would’ve told me. And I guess it’s selfish of me to want to know more about you, but because you used it against me, it feels a little personal.”

  “I only did all of that so you wouldn’t be hurt.”

  I blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I know it makes no sense. But like…what if it was a tumor? I didn’t want you to have to date a guy that could die.”

  I just looked at him, aghast. “You shut up right now. You don’t get to make those choices for me.”

  “I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t know how to tell you. What to tell you. Because I didn’t have any answers. I mean, I knew I needed to open up, but I didn’t want to until I had an actual battle plan and answers. You know?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know, Caleb.” I started to pace, the gold of my dress swishing under the harsh hospital lights.

  “I had it in my head that once I had answers, things would be okay. That I would be able to fix it and would be able to talk it over with you. It was like this block in my head, and I couldn’t stop keeping it a secret. It made no sense. But I am sorry. I was just scared.”

  I moved forward, swallowing hard. I was so close then that I reached out, trailing my fingertips across his hand. He gripped my fingers, squeezing tightly. It startled me.

  “I’m sorry
, Zoey. If I could go back and change it all, I would. I would tell you everything. Even if I was scared. Because I wanted to. I really did. I just couldn’t.”

  “You didn’t,” I corrected.

  “And I guess, I don’t know, I don’t even know how we started dating,” he said, and I took a step back. He held on to my hand, though. I couldn’t move. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Please explain to me exactly what you did mean.” I said the words very slowly; crisp and precise.

  “All I know is that you’ve always been a part of my life. And then somehow you were a different part, and I didn’t know how or when exactly that happened. All I knew was that I really liked it. I liked you being in my life. I liked the fact that I had you there. Not only was the sex amazing—because it is,” he said, and I laughed despite myself. “God, I love that laugh.”

  “Don’t,” I warned, sobering instantly.

  “You’re right. Hell, if I could get down on my knees right now and grovel, I would, but I really don’t have the energy.”

  “You don’t have to get on your knees to grovel,” I muttered.

  He smiled then, and it went right to my heart.

  Stupid heart.

  “I made so many mistakes. And not telling you exactly what I feel, and what was going on with me is probably the biggest one. But I kept things casual. I even told you that. I needed to keep things that particular way because I wasn’t sure what the future would hold. I’m still not a hundred percent sure, but it doesn’t look as grey or as dark as it did.”

  “I’m not very good at casual,” I blurted.

  “I know. You’re in the business of love and romance, and you deserve something more than casual, but you were never a pity fuck.”

  “Well, never make me feel like one again.”

  “Does that mean you’ll take me back?”

  I shrugged, my heart racing, and my head pounding. “I don’t know. Because what if something else happens and you run away again? What if you hide important things from me because you’re too scared to talk about them? I’m supposed to be your partner. That’s what a relationship is. And if I can’t trust you to tell me the scary things, then how can I trust you with anything else? How can I trust you with me? My heart?”

  He leaned forward and ran his hand over my arm. It was the only part I let him reach. “I’m going to try and do better. Because I never want to make you feel that way again. I was scared, and I admit that freely. I’m not a man who admits those kinds of things.”

  “I know.”

  Caleb was always strong, the fierce protector who lurked in the background. He’d always been with his family, even back when things weren’t great between them all. So, having him admit that vulnerability was a deep thing. I just hated that I had gotten hurt because of it.

  “I want to fix this,” Caleb said. “Tell me how.”

  “You have to talk to me. You have to tell me things.”

  “I will. I promise. Just like I’m going to tell my family. Hell, I’ve got to be better at this.”

  “You really do.” There was a pause as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say. I was so worried that I was going to say the wrong thing. Or that he wasn’t going to say anything at all.

  “You love me?” he asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I froze.

  “You remember that?”

  “Of course, I do. You said you loved me.”

  “Just don’t throw it in my face. Because it’s bad enough that we have all the same friends, and your family is so close to me now. I just…I can’t. Because I’ve loved you forever, you asshole.”

  He grinned then, and it finally reached his eyes. “I love you, too, Zoey-girl. And as soon as I can, as soon as I get out of this bed, I’m going to grovel on my knees and show you that I love you. Because I want you in my life, I want to figure out exactly how to be the kind of person who shares. And I want to be that person with you. You’ve been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Zoey-girl. Take me back. Forgive me. And tell me exactly what I need to do to earn your trust again.”

  While I didn’t really have anything to say, I couldn’t anyway because the tears were flowing freely.

  This was the Caleb Carr I had fallen in love with. The Caleb I had always known was buried deep down inside. And as I leaned down and kissed his lips, I knew that I would forgive him, even if he did need to grovel a bit more.

  Because I had loved him since I was eight, and through every incarnation of him in my life, I had loved his soul, his smile, just him. As he trailed his fingers down my cheek and whispered my name, I knew I had forgiven him already.

  I had been scared before, too, and I had pushed others away because of it.

  I understood.

  And he would be mine. It was a promise I had made when I was little, and it was a promise I was finally going to keep.

  I had written Caleb Carr on my heart years ago, and as he held me in that hospital room, and we looked towards the future that wouldn’t be perfect but would be ours, I knew I would write it again and again.

  Because I was shameless when it came to Caleb Carr.

  And that was just fine with me.

  Epilogue

  Caleb

  “I, Caleb, take you Zoey-girl, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold. For richer or poorer. Until the day our souls meet again. I love you with every ounce of my being. I have loved you since long before I knew what love was. I’ll cherish you until the end of our days, and long past that. I’ll be yours forever, I promise.”

  The officiant cleared his throat, and I winked at him.

  “Sorry, needed to add a few extras.”

  “That’s just fine,” the officiant said, smiling.

  “And now, Zoey?”

  My bride looked at me, her eyes wide, tears spilling down her cheeks as she squeezed my hands.

  “I, Zoey, take you, Caleb, love of my life, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, until the end of our days and beyond. Because I love you. I’ve loved you since we were children and didn’t understand exactly what could be. I have loved you since before I could have you, and ever since. I’ve loved you even when both of us were hard to love. Since you told me you loved me.”

  I swallowed hard, my eyes stinging.

  “The rings,” the officiant continued.

  Dimitri handed me my ring, and I winked at my brother.

  “Thanks.”

  “You’ve got this,” Dimitri whispered.

  “Now, take Zoey’s hand and put the ring on her finger. And, I’m sure like we said before, you have your own vows for this.”

  “Zoey-girl,” I said, swallowing hard again as I slid the ring on her finger. “With this ring, I thee wed. With this ring, I’m forever yours. With this ring, I promise you my devotion, my truth, and my secrets. I promise you…me.”

  There was open weeping from the front of the room, but I only had eyes for my soon-to-be wife.

  She slipped the ring on my hand, saying the same words back to me, and when the officiant pronounced us husband and wife, I leaned down and gently trailed my fingers along her cheek.

  “Are you ready, Zoey-girl?” I asked.

  “I’ve been waiting for you forever, Caleb Carr.”

  “And now you have me, Zoey Carr.”

  She beamed, and then I lowered my mouth to hers, dipped her down, and then kissed her. My wife. I couldn’t fucking wait to see what happened next.

  “Well, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house,” Dimitri said, holding his son Kane as the child slept.

  The baby was almost a year old now, but it was still our first baby of the family.

  “We try,” I said dryly, taking a sip of my champagne.

  I looked towards the dance floor as one of the Montgomerys spun my wife around, her laugh reaching my ears and making me grin.

  “Jesus Christ, that’s my wife,” I said.

  “Hey,
I think I shared that exact same sentiment when I looked at Thea for the first time. And watch your language around my son.”

  I looked down at the sleeping Kane and grinned.

  “With both of the kid’s extended families, you’re out of luck there when it comes to language.”

  Dimitri winced. “Pretty much.”

  “Oh, can I hold the baby?” Erin said, waddling over.

  She was newly into her second trimester, but with twins, she had gotten bigger quicker than anyone expected.

  But I would never actually tell her that.

  “You can nuzzle him, but you know my brother will hurt me if I give you a sleeping baby while you’re not supposed to be holding anything.”

  “I’m having twins, I’m fine,” she said, but she slid her fingers down Kane’s nose, grinning as the baby made cooing sounds in his sleep.

  “Seriously, that’s got to be the cutest baby.”

  “He really is,” Amelia said as she came up with Tucker. Her hand was on the small mound of her belly, and I just shook my head. Dimitri and Thea had the one baby, Erin and Devin were on their way to having two. But was that enough? No, baby Amelia Carr had to have three.

  Yes, Amelia was pregnant with triplets. So, with their son Evan, who was on the dance floor with Thea, they would have a family of six, with room for Evan’s mom and dad whenever they stayed over.

  We were all a huge group, a family tighter than we’d ever been before.

  And we were doing fine.

  I was on good meds, and I took care of myself better than I ever had. I loved my job, and I had my wife.

  I didn’t need anything else, really.

  Zoey looked over at me and winked, and I prowled over to her, not even noticing when I pushed a Montgomery out of the way so I could hold her in my arms.

  “You know, you’re being a little grumbly.”

  “I can’t help it. I just want to keep kissing you.”

  “Mmm, you taste like yummy champagne, and I wish I could have more.”

  “You will in eight months,” I said and winked.