Date Me Like You Mean It

by Grey, R. S.

  Elise is standing in front of my desk outside of her office, waving her chai tea latte back and forth in front of me as if trying to snap me back to reality.

  “Still dreaming of the holidays?” She cringes at the idea. “Not me. I think I gained three pounds. That’s why I can never go home. My mom insists on force-feeding me, and I can’t turn down her bread pudding. You and I are doing SoulCycle every day this week. Call and schedule it.”

  “On it,” I say, flipping through the mess on my desk, trying to find a pen and notepad so I can jot down her request on my to-do list. It takes longer than usual to find it buried under my trash from breakfast.

  I’m not usually like this. I pride myself on being an organized person, but coming back to the office after New Year’s has been rough.

  I have a lot on my mind, and most of it centers around Aiden.

  He’s in New Zealand at the moment. At least, I think he is. I can’t remember if he flies back to New York today or if he continues on to Dubai straight from there. His travel schedule is confusing to say the least, and it seems to constantly shift. Assignments pop up spur of the moment, and already the five weeks of travel he had on the books has turned into eight.

  Which means, if everything goes as planned, I won’t see him again for two months.

  That feels like an eternity.

  And worse, I worry those eight weeks will morph into even more.

  Last night, we finally managed to talk on the phone. It was the first time since he left Vail. With New Zealand being 17 hours ahead, it’s been hard to find times we’re both available. He’ll call and I’ll be in a meeting with Elise, or I’ll call and he’ll be asleep. Yesterday, he texted me that he’d be off work a little earlier than usual, so I stayed up to talk to him. Close to midnight, my phone rang, and I blinked away sleep and sat up to answer it.

  “Aiden?”

  “Maddie.”

  I pressed my eyes closed as relief swelled in my chest.

  “Can you hear me?” he asked, probably worried the call had dropped.

  I smiled. “Yes. I can. Can you hear me?”

  He laughed. “Yes. God, I’m so glad I caught you. Were you sleeping?”

  “Not really. Just nodding off a little. Elise has had me coming into the office extra early this week to tackle some of the work that got pushed off during the holidays. It’s starting to take a toll.”

  “I feel bad keeping you up.”

  “No, no. I want to talk to you. It’s fine. I can drink an extra cup of coffee in the morning. Tell me what you’re doing. How’s New Zealand?”

  We talked for over an hour, only hanging up because my incessant yawning started to get harder and harder to ignore.

  Elise and I have back-to-back meetings today and a late work dinner with one of our clients. When I leave the restaurant and check my phone, I see a few text messages from Aiden. He wants to know if I can chat after I get off work, so I give him a call to see if he’s available, but it goes straight to voicemail. It’s work hours where he is; he’s probably busy.

  The next day, Dan and I meet early to go over a proposal Elise wants on her desk by the end of the day. We’re at Brooklyn Bagels by the office, which is always packed, but we manage to find a spot at the bar set up near the front windows. We’re squashed together on stools when my phone starts to ring. My heart leaps into my throat when I see who it is.

  “Do you mind if I take this really quick?” I ask Dan, holding up my phone so he can see Aiden’s name.

  He motions for me to answer. “Not at all.”

  Once the call connects, Aiden’s hard to hear on the other end because of all the background noise.

  I cup my hand over my ear. “Hey, sorry. I’m at a restaurant so it’s kind of loud.”

  He laughs. “Yeah, me too. Late lunch break. Thought you could chat with me while I eat.”

  My heart drops. “I wish I could. I’m actually at a work breakfast.”

  Dan leans in closer. “Hey Aiden.”

  I laugh, but Aiden doesn’t.

  “Who was that?”

  “Dan. You remember? From the agency?”

  “Right.”

  “He and I work on campaigns together sometimes. We’re getting a presentation together for Elise.”

  The noise in the bagel shop picks up tenfold as a mom of five walks in with her children in tow.

  “You never mentioned it.”

  I force out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “Yeah, well, there’s a lot of ground to cover after everything, and it’s not as if we’ve been able to talk much.”

  He sighs on the other end of the line, sounding tired. “Yeah. Listen, I’ll let you go. We’ll talk later, okay?”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  I hang up and stare down at my phone as a knot of anxiety settles in my gut. I knew it would be like this. We’re a world apart, and the lack of communication makes every little thing that much harder. Aiden never had a soft spot for Dan to begin with, but now, I can only imagine how he feels.

  I want to shoot him a quick text, but what is there to say? I wish you were here? He already knows that.

  * * *

  Two weeks go by like this, a constant battle of trying to sync up our schedules. I end up catching him for five minutes while I’m eating dinner or for a few seconds as I’m dashing off to SoulCycle or yoga with Elise. We’re both extremely busy, and the novelty of our situation wanes with each passing day. It’s getting annoying, and that annoyance hits a peak when I called Aiden to find him out with a group of reporters. No big deal. It’s just that I could hear a girl in the background, trying to get his attention. The way she said his name, the way I pictured them sitting together at the bar…it felt so deflating. I didn’t want to feel the tight pinch of jealousy in my stomach, the wave of worry about whether or not he and I can actually do this long-distance thing. It’s not that I don’t trust Aiden. I do, wholeheartedly. It’s that I was jealous of the girl for just being near him. I miss the ability to sit across from him at a bar and talk and not get cut off by opposite time zones.

  The jealous feelings faded, though, as Aiden held up the phone and told everyone to say hi to his girlfriend.

  His girlfriend.

  I smiled from ear to ear, trying not to sound completely ecstatic as I greeted his friends through the phone.

  Of course, that was a few days ago, and now, those feelings have fizzled too. Today is another hard day. I know Aiden is heading from New Zealand to Dubai and will be out of touch until tomorrow.

  I hate that my moods are starting to depend so much on him. The prospect of a phone call with him lifts my spirits all day. On the flip side, the knowledge that we won’t speak today makes me think, What’s the point? I want to skip out on work, go home, and face-plant onto my bed.

  I’m not good at this.

  I wonder how people go years without seeing their loved ones. I wonder if they’re cut from a different cloth, better than me somehow. I don’t like to feel weak. In fact, I feel like this situation is bringing out the worst qualities in me. I haven’t wanted to go out with friends as much, and I know Elise is frustrated with me. I’ve been more than a little distracted lately, and I really want to change that. I can’t continue on like this.

  I decide having a concrete date for when Aiden and I will see each other again will help. That way I have something to look forward to.

  When we talk the next day, I vow to ask him about it.

  But then…we don’t get the chance. He texts me while I’m in a meeting, explaining that he’ll be working late, and I don’t even have the will to reply. I’m so frustrated I could throw my phone across the conference room.

  When the meeting is over, I push my chair back and stand, prepared to flee back to my desk and lick my wounds.

  “Hey, Maddie. Wait up.”

  Dan rushes to catch me and throws me a gentle smile.

  “You okay?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I try on a smile, but the fact that i
t’s not genuine isn’t lost on him.

  “Come on, you’ve been a zombie lately. Want to go out later and get a drink? I’m meeting some friends at O’Henry’s after work.”

  Part of me wants to accept his offer, but I don’t. It doesn’t feel right to spend time with Dan outside of work, not with Aiden so far away.

  “Maybe next time,” I say, and he doesn’t bother trying to persuade me. He tips his head and turns left when I reach the elevators.

  That night, after work, I’m unpacking some groceries when there’s a knock on my condo door. It’s totally insane, but the first thing I think of is Aiden. He’s here. He’s come back and surprised me!

  I rush to the door, turn the lock, and open it to find my roommate Lucy standing there with a look of relief on her face.

  She smiles in appreciation as she brushes past me. “Sorry! I forgot my key again. Thank god you were home. I’m late for drinks with Owen and he’s going to kill me.”

  I hum some kind of response just to let her know I’m alive, but meanwhile, I’m fighting the urge not to cry. It’s so ridiculous to be upset that it wasn’t Aiden at the door. I knew it wouldn’t be. He never once hinted that he was going to come visit me. I know he’s in Dubai. I know that, and yet…I just got my hopes up. That’s all.

  I’m glad Lucy is going for drinks. When she and I are both home, we usually park it on the couch and hang out, but I like how quiet the condo is when she leaves. I like that for a split second, I can almost pretend it’s the old days, Lucy doesn’t live in Aiden’s old room, and he might get home from work at any minute.

  I turn in early and fill up my bathtub with as many bubbles as I can manage without causing them to overflow. After I light a candle, I slip out of my clothes and step into the warm water. It feels good to sit down and let the bubbles engulf me. I tip back and let my body slip deeper underwater, closing my eyes, trying to fight back the sadness.

  My phone rings and my eyes snap open. I left it on the mat just beside the bath, so when I lean over the edge, I see that Aiden’s trying to FaceTime me.

  I try to answer immediately, though it takes a few attempts to successfully swipe across the screen because of my wet fingers.

  The video call connects and I see Aiden walking outside, holding the phone out in front of his face.

  “Hey,” I say, a bit sheepish.

  We haven’t been able to FaceTime much, so it feels almost strange to be able to see him like this. He’s wearing a black suit sans tie. His hair looks lighter in the sunlight.

  “Maddie,” he says with a relieved smile before his brows tug together in confusion. “Where are you?”

  “At home.”

  I’ve angled the phone so he can only see my face and the tile behind me.

  He narrows his eyes, bringing his phone in closer so he can inspect my surroundings. Then his eyes widen.

  “You’re in your bathroom at the condo, aren’t you?”

  I laugh despite my sour mood. “Yes.”

  “I’d recognize that tile anywhere.”

  It’s the same in his old bathroom as well.

  “Are you in the bath?” he asks.

  When I nod in confirmation, he groans and drags a hand down his face. “Jesus, hold on. I’m only a minute from my hotel. I’ve got an hour to kill before an interview.”

  “I was going to go to sleep early tonight.”

  He laughs like that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “No you’re not, Maddie. You’re staying on the phone.”

  “I’ve had a long day.”

  His green eyes capture my attention through the phone screen. “So have I. It’s felt like I’ve lived through a million long days since I left Vail.” Then his attention shifts as he pushes through a door. “Hang on—I might lose you when I get on the elevator.”

  I see the backdrop of his hotel as he rushes through the lobby. There’s a seating area and reception desk. He shouts for the person to hold the door for him then hops onto the elevator.

  “I’m going to floor two,” he tells the person, and then a second later, the doors close and the call drops.

  I knew it would, but still, it annoys me.

  I set my phone back on the floor and contemplate leaving it there all night. It rings a moment later, though. Aiden’s calling back, and I’m sure he’s in his room. I should answer it, but I’m feeling petty, angry, so out of control in this damn situation that I want to regain ground somewhere. Not taking his phone call feels like I’m winning somehow, so I let it ring and ring. It eventually stops, and the power I felt in that instant washes away quickly.

  I panic, worried that I royally screwed up. Then my phone starts to ring again and I scramble to answer it.

  “Fuck,” he sighs. “I thought you weren’t going to answer.”

  “I almost didn’t.”

  “Why?”

  I don’t reply, and there’s a long dead silence.

  He has to know why. He must feel what I’m feeling.

  I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.

  “Maddie,” Aiden says, his voice barely above a whisper. “I miss you.”

  I pinch my eyes closed and tip my head back so the tears won’t fall.

  “Talk to me,” he goads gently.

  I can’t. I worry that I don’t have a good enough grip on my emotions. I don’t want to cry over the phone. I’ve been so careful to keep my spirits high for him when we talk, but that’s taken its toll and now here we are, silent.

  “Let me switch it to FaceTime again.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just…”

  It’s too late. He’s already pressed the button.

  “Switch over, Maddie. Let me see you.”

  “No.”

  “Maddie.”

  His voice takes on a dangerous edge. It says, Don’t fuck with me. For a moment, I contemplate holding out, but then it just feels easier to give in. The video comes on and I set the phone on the lip of the tub so it’s facing up to the ceiling.

  “That’s not your face,” Aiden points out.

  “I don’t want to drop my phone in the water,” I lie. “It’s safer to set it there.”

  “I’ll buy you a new phone.”

  A soft laugh escapes me, and I pick the phone up and tilt it so he can see my face and shoulders.

  He’s taken off his suit jacket. His white shirt is unbuttoned at the neck. His hair is slightly mussed up like he dragged his hands through it on the way up in the elevator. We look at each other through the screen. His eyes jump over every visible inch of me, taking in my hair and neck and shoulders. It’s like he’s trying to get his fill, and I almost expect him to make some crass remark about tilting the camera lower, but he doesn’t. He just looks at me like he doesn’t quite believe I’m there.

  I see myself in the tiny rectangle at the bottom of the screen. The warm water has turned my chest and shoulders pink. My cheeks are flushed. My mouth is a sad downturned line. It’s like I’m breaking apart right before my eyes.

  He doesn’t ask me why I’m sad; he knows.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he says.

  I look away from the phone and sniffle, trying to press my feelings down as far as they’ll go.

  “I know this isn’t easy,” he continues.

  “I just don’t see how it’s going to work.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  I’m staring at my towel folded neatly beside the tub. I focus on the stitching, losing sight of it as my eyes cloud with tears.

  “I’ll be back in the States in a few weeks,” he promises.

  “And then?” I challenge.

  “And then we’ll see.”

  “Not good enough, Aiden. Tell me now. What happens then? Huh?”

  “After that, I’ll have to travel more.”

  “Exactly.”

  “It’s my job.”

  “EXACTLY!” My free hand drops into the bath, splashing water onto t
he phone screen.

  When I finally look back at Aiden, his face is a mask of frustration. Furrowed brows. Locked jaw. Sharp cheekbones. “What about you moving to New York? Have you even considered it?”

  “Why would I move to New York? You’re not even in New York!”

  He inhales a deep breath like he’s utterly exasperated with me. Then he responds, “Right. Okay. It’s clearly not a good time to talk about this…”

  I’m boiling over with anger, and it doesn’t help that he wants to shut this down. He thinks I’m not in my right mind, thinks I need to calm down.

  “You’re right. Let’s talk about it another time.” My tone is filled with sarcasm. “What about tomorrow at 2 AM your time? Or how about we schedule five minutes to talk a week from Tuesday?”

  “You think this is easy for me?!” he explodes.

  “It sure seems like it!”

  “I’m in a fucking hotel room a thousand hours away from you! I’m working twelve-hour days! I’m fucking trying, Maddie!”

  “Exactly! We’ve both been trying and it feels impossible. There’s no end in sight. What’s the plan, Aiden? Are we going to stay long distance forever?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I realize I’m getting dangerously close to backing him into a corner. I would never want to force Aiden to pick between me and his job. I know how much working for the Times means to him, but what am I supposed to do here? I’ve been waiting to be with Aiden for years, and it still doesn’t even feel like we’re really together. We had a week in Vail and now what? Phone calls? Text messages?

  “It feels like we can have this conversation now or a year from now, but—”

  He cuts me off. “No.”

  “It’s only going to get harder.”

  “You’re giving up.”

  “I’m being realistic!”

  “Who cares about being realistic? I love you, Maddie. That matters. In fact, that’s the only thing that matters.”

  “It’s not enou—”

  “Do you love me too, Maddie?”

  “Does it matter?”