Wisteria Wrinkle

by Angela Pepper

  Tippi and Tottothot began teaching the Earth visitors a traditional song. The melody was rather catchy.

  Zinnia wondered, when their queen left them, what would happen to all of these people? Without Beth around to change the king’s behavior, the villagers might go back to the certainty of dying in sport-battle or being fed to the king.

  Zinnia glanced around at the smiling, laughing faces gathered around the long banquet table.

  Good times don’t last forever, she thought sadly.

  The ogre who had prepared their meal came out to accept their accolades. He was the same giant man who’d captured Gavin and Karl so easily in the ambush. His name was Bill, and though he didn’t speak much English, he seemed to have a sweet, pleasant disposition.

  Zinnia was thinking about how kind Bill seemed, and then worrying about Liza and Xavier, when Tippi walked across the table to her.

  Tippi leaned casually against Zinnia’s after-dinner coffee mug, and said, “Want to hear something interesting about the chef?”

  “You mean Bill? Sure.” Zinnia had noticed that gossiping seemed to be the main pastime of the people in this world, right behind eating.

  Tippi said, “Back in the old days, Bill’s job was handicapping people before the sport-battles.”

  “Do you mean he adjusted the numbers for betting purposes?” That didn’t fit. The ogre hadn’t seemed like much of a math whiz, but perhaps Zinnia was being prejudiced.

  Tippi laughed. “Bill’s job was to handicap. You don’t know this word? It’s when one of the people in the battle doesn’t have a leg, so to make things even, you have an ogre bite off the opponent’s leg.”

  Zinnia’s jaw dropped open. She quickly closed her mouth, lest it seem threatening to Tippi, whom Zinnia could have eaten in three bites.

  “He didn’t like it, either,” Tippi said. “Bill is actually a really nice guy, for an ogre.”

  “It sounds like things were terrible here before your queen arrived.”

  “We didn’t know any better,” Tippi said. “If everything’s terrible, then nothing is terrible.” She circled around Zinnia’s mug and grabbed hold of the spoon to stir it, using the edge of the cup as a rest, the way one might row a boat.

  “Thank you,” Zinnia said, unsure of the local customs.

  “The queen enjoys it when we stir her coffee. She says it reminds her of a man called Gulliver. Do you know him?”

  That would be Gulliver’s Travels, from the storybooks. “I know of him,” Zinnia said with a smile.

  There was a commotion at one of the entrances.

  Xavier and Liza came in at a jogging pace. They looked thinner than the last time Zinnia had seen them, which had been yesterday from Zinnia’s perspective. Both were very dirty, covered in a gray-green grime.

  Liza locked her gaze on Zinnia. She stammered, “Yo-o-ou’re eating? I can’t believe you people!”

  Blue Pufferfish Man in a Tuxedo displayed his face spikes. “Please join your friends now,” he said in a bristly tone. “We have several more courses.”

  Tippi raised her goblet and cried out, “Several more courses! Long live the queen!” The other villagers joined in with their own toasts.

  Liza and Xavier stayed where they were, both looking aghast.

  Xavier pointed to the small villagers, “Are those people?”

  Tippi made what Zinnia guessed was a rude gesture using both of her arms. “Of course we’re people, you big lummox!”

  The other tiny people started chanting drunkenly, “Big lummox! Big lummox!” The whole party descended into chaos.

  Zinnia pushed her chair back and caught Margaret’s eye.

  Margaret nodded at Zinnia, and said to Karl, “Time for us to move on, boss.”

  Karl said, “Let me see if I can get a doggie bag.” He rubbed his fingers together greedily.

  Margaret got to her feet. “Never mind a doggie bag, boss. I’ll buy you an ice cream sundae as soon as we hit 1955.”

  Karl got up right away and barked at Gavin to do the same.

  Chapter 33

  All seven Wisteria Permits Department employees prepared to leave the castle together. Liza and Xavier were tight-lipped about their experience with the timewyrms, but their eyes and behavior told so much. The two stuffed their pockets with food from the banquet table and avoided making eye contact with the local villagers. They startled at loud noises and kept their heads ducked down.

  The attendant in the French maid outfit returned with Zinnia’s purse, as well as the others’ bags and supplies. Zinnia immediately checked her purse contents. Everything she’d packed for the journey was replaceable except the key. Luckily, the key and remaining chameleon potion were tucked away inside the interior pocket right where she’d left them. Most of her supplies and potions were there as well.

  “We had to be cautious,” little Tippi said apologetically from her perch on the edge of the long banquet table.

  “I understand,” Zinnia said. “Thank you for returning our things. And thank you for conducting a relatively mild kidnapping.”

  “You’re welcome!”

  Zinnia had been sarcastic, but the tiny person had taken her words at face value.

  Tippi danced around Zinnia’s purse flirtatiously. “Maybe you can take me with you? I’ve always wanted to see other worlds.”

  “I’m afraid you would have some difficulties on Earth. We don’t have any people your size, so you wouldn’t be able to blend in at all.”

  Tippi danced some more. “Who wants to blend in?”

  Zinnia tugged at the collar of her floral-patterned blouse. “Some people like to keep a low profile.”

  “But why?”

  “To avoid trouble.”

  “By trouble, do you mean being forced to fight to the death with a similar opponent?”

  Zinnia thought about it for a moment. “Something like that,” she agreed.

  The conversation was interrupted by the servant in the tuxedo. He came to let Zinnia know that Bill, the former leg-munching ogre who was now a chef, had volunteered to pack food and water canteens for the group’s voyage back to the mountainside portal.

  While the ogre prepared their supplies, the WPD crew made use of the castle’s exquisite washroom facilities before heading out.

  Karl met Zinnia in the hallway when she came out of the washroom. Karl’s poor suit was looking rumpled and dirty beyond salvage. The cheap fabric had practically sucked up the red sand of the desert. He was a mess. The man swore he was a sprite, yet he seemed to be morphing into a storybook troll before Zinnia’s eyes.

  “I heard a rumor that you met the queen,” Karl said, sweeping his hand through his mostly-brown hair, which looked even more badly in need of a trim than usual. “You’d think she would have wanted to talk to the group’s leader.”

  Zinnia was tempted to point out that Karl didn’t exactly look like a leader. Her own clothing, by comparison, was still crisp and fresh. Her floral-patterned blouse, green slacks, and sensible shoes looked as tidy as they’d been at the start of their journey. There was something to be said for durable fabrics, bold patterns, and quality materials.

  Karl grumbled, “I don’t know why they thought you were the leader.”

  “You did specifically come to my office to talk about how we were equals,” Zinnia said. “Both of us are department heads now.”

  Karl went HARUMPH. “How would the queen even know about that? Did you tell the snake?”

  “Relax, boss.” Karl Kormac was no longer her boss, but it soothed him to be called by the title, so Zinnia had kept up the practice. “You didn’t miss much. Picture a spoiled brat who’s easily bored. The type who might suggest, upon hearing that the villagers have no bread, that they ought to eat cake.”

  He frowned. “Is she human?”

  Zinnia looked around to make sure they were alone in the hallway by the castle washrooms. They were, but even so, she wasn’t sure if she ought to tell Karl the queen’s identity. They were t
echnically in the past, sort of, and she didn’t want to create even more chaos that could put the future in jeopardy.

  “Out with it,” Karl barked gruffly. “You know something.”

  “The queen, the one her devoted subjects call Queen Beth, is Liza Gilbert’s grandmother.”

  “That frail old woman?” He sucked in a breath. “It’s always the one you least expect. But that makes sense. The first creatures started showing up around City Hall after that day Queenie Gilbert was at the office for lunch with her daughter.” He did a double take. “That’s why her name is Queenie! She’s a double agent!”

  His volume had been rising, so Zinnia shushed him. “There’s another twist,” she whispered. “She’s not Queenie yet. The queen that’s here is the 1955 version of Beth, before she married the Gilbert boy.”

  “Ah. So we have to send her back to the past, through the third floor and down the stairwell to 1955. That’s why we’re here. That must be our mission.”

  Zinnia scratched her head. She’d washed her face in the palatial ladies’ room, but two days of interdimensional travel and no regular sleep was making her itchy. Plus she was troubled by Karl’s insistence that they might need to meddle with the timeline more than they had.

  “I’m not so sure about that,” Zinnia said. “She’ll go back on her own eventually. Once she gets bored here.”

  “But what if the portal closes before she does?”

  “It won’t.” Zinnia shook her head. “It can’t. She’ll make it through because she already has. It’s inevitable. We both met the older version of Queenie, so we know it has to happen.”

  “Not if we’re in an alternate timeline now, in one of an infinite number of parallel dimensions. The Queenie we met returned home, but we might be on a new timeline now.”

  Zinnia scratched her head some more. This business of thinking through time travel paradoxes and parallel dimensions was literally a head-scratcher. Karl might be right. If they’d jumped over to some parallel dimension, that could explain young Liza’s nightmares about ceasing to exist. In some realities, she’d never existed in the first place. But how could Liza exist to have the dreams if she wasn’t meant to be? This line of thinking only led to more head scratching.

  “We’ll tell the queen she has to go back now,” Karl said. “I’ll talk some sense into her.”

  “The queen doesn’t strike me as the type to take orders from anyone, not even the king. It sounds like she has him wrapped around her little finger, and he’s a god. An actual god.”

  “What about the snake? Can we explain everything to her?”

  “I wouldn’t trust that one at all. She’s not human. I wouldn’t even trust her to return a library book on time.”

  “So, we’re just going to leave here, go home, and hope for the best.” Karl spoke with grim determination, as though it had been his idea right from the start.

  “We got what we came for. We found Liza and Xavier. I believe the rest is up to fate.” Zinnia grabbed an elastic band from her purse and tied up her hair. “Speaking of fate, did Dawna get any new readings with the cards? Please tell me she sees a future that doesn’t involve volcanoes.”

  Just then, Dawna emerged from the washroom. “Ooh, you guys!” Dawna was rubbing her elbows. “Listen to this. All this dry air, and I’m not getting ashy. I’m going to book my next vacation here.”

  Zinnia repeated to Dawna the questions she’d just asked Karl.

  “The good news is that I didn’t see any more volcanoes,” Dawna said.

  Zinnia sighed with relief.

  “The bad news is I actually didn’t see anything at all, because the cards don’t work here,” Dawna said. “I keep trying to get that magic spark, but it feels like striking a wet match.”

  “I expected as much,” Karl said gruffly. “Our powers don’t work here.”

  “But your tongue works,” Zinnia said. “I saw it thrashing around when the ogre grabbed you and Gavin.”

  Karl shook his head. “It wasn’t at full power. If my tongue had been working, that ogre would have dropped us and run away screaming.”

  Dawna held up one hand and wrinkled her nose. “Ew.”

  Karl’s face reddened. “At least I took charge and did something. What were you planning to do? Throw up on them?”

  “That’s enough,” Zinnia said, holding up both hands. “Karl, Dawna didn’t mean to shame you for being who you are. She’s new at this.” Zinnia held a warning finger up at Dawna. “And Dawna, we do not say ‘ew’ when one of our own uses their powers.” No matter how gross it is.

  “I promise to be a better fortune-teller,” Dawna said, adjusting the headband that was holding back her black curls.

  “Cartomancer,” Karl and Zinnia said in unison, correcting her.

  “Whatever,” Dawna said.

  “You’re a cartomancer or card mage, not a fortune-teller,” Karl said. “And I’m a sprite. Names matter.” He glanced up at the castle hallway’s high ceiling. “Especially in a place like this.”

  “Okay, okay,” Dawna said. “I hear what you both are saying.”

  Karl straightened his tie, gave both women an exasperated look, and left to check with the ogre about the supplies.

  Dawna whispered to Zinnia, “That man is a troll, right? Who’s he kidding with that sprite nonsense?”

  “He might be a sprite,” Zinnia said. “I’ve never met a troll before, or a sprite, so who knows? People have always told me trolls aren’t real.” She pointed at Dawna. “Regardless, we ought to be more accepting, weird tongue and all.”

  “Don’t worry. I can humor the grumpy sprite. I’ve got plenty of practice humoring Mr. Karl Kormac.”

  Zinnia looked into Dawna’s orange, cat-like eyes. “And how are you doing? This must be a lot for you to take in.”

  Dawna responded with enthusiasm. “I’m fine, girl! How are you? Did you really meet the queen? That’s what the itty bitty people told me.”

  “I did meet the queen.”

  “How was that? Did you curtsy?”

  “No, but only because she didn’t identify herself as a queen right away.”

  “She wasn’t wearing one of those tiaras? I’m telling you, if I was queen of this place, I’d have a real nice tiara. Or a whole bunch, to go with all my outfits. Plus a servant whose job it is to get my curls untangled from all the diamonds.”

  “You’d make a beautiful queen,” Zinnia said.

  “Thank you! And they have people here in all sorts of colors, so you know that’s not gonna be a problem.”

  “True enough. Even so, I think we’re wise to get out of here soon, before something comes up and we get in more trouble.”

  “You don’t have to tell me twice,” Dawna said. “I was just kidding about coming back here on vacation. I don’t ever want to go any place that’s not on Earth. Never again.”

  “It will be good to go home. When we were still on Earth, the cards you read said we’d make it home safely, right?”

  “As long as we steer clear of any volcanoes.” They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. “The volcano thing was only one reading,” Dawna said. “I’m sure we have nothing to worry about.”

  “Karl said so himself, those are very good odds.”

  “Very good odds,” Dawna agreed. “Actually, it was more like three readings out of a hundred.”

  “Oh, Dawna.”

  She raised both hands. “Don’t shoot the messenger!”

  Chapter 34

  The journey back to the mountain took the group through the village, then the misty forest, and finally through the dry, sandy desert. The magical realm had some very tight microclimates that would have made an Earth meteorologist’s eyes bug out.

  As they traveled, Zinnia noted that morale of the group was mixed.

  Dawna and Gavin were the most enthusiastic ones. Dawna claimed she didn’t want to come back, yet she wasn’t in any particular hurry to leave. She and Gavin carried on like happy tourists on
a honeymoon, stopping periodically to take in the sights. They tried taking photographs, but none of the group’s phones would power up. Whatever energy was in the air that stopped the witches’ magic from working also stopped the electronics.

  Karl and Margaret were more subdued, alternating between complaining about blisters on their feet and talking about the great food they’d consumed at the castle.

  Unlike Zinnia, the other four had not been unconscious for long after the ambush. They’d all been loaded into a wagon and taken, fully awake and aware, to the castle. They’d been eating for at least two hours before Zinnia had woken up and joined them. None of the four had been terribly concerned about Zinnia, which gave the witch mixed feelings. She was glad they were confident in her ability to look after herself, but... seriously?

  It had to be something in the air. Everyone was way too laid-back about having been kidnapped, albeit briefly, in a strange world.

  Zinnia, who was the fifth person in their brigade, was also getting blisters on her feet. She hadn’t gotten a blister since becoming a witch, due to her regenerative powers, so it was a novel experience for her.

  She limped as she looked around the desert. The shadows being cast by the flowering cactus were growing longer. Night would be upon them soon, and night time in the desert would be cold. They had been given lanterns by the villagers, and had been assured that they would travel unharmed by the timewyrms or anything else, but all the same, Zinnia would be glad to put this world and its novel experiences behind her.

  Eventually, the blisters became too distracting. Zinnia stopped to sit on a rock and take off her shoes to survey the damage. She tried to soothe her heels with items from her purse, which didn’t go well, since most of the magical compounds were weapons.

  The giant red sun was setting. Zinnia forgot her blisters temporarily as she gazed at the alien world’s two moons above the mountain peak. She had seen many wondrous things in her life as a witch, but never two moons during a blazing scarlet sunset in a foreign land. It was a shame her phone wouldn’t take a photo, but it probably didn’t matter. Who would she ever show such a thing to? People would assume the image was a fake.