When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  When I made my retreat, Jess told me Cass came down with something and gave me a knowing look. I immediately went to the nurse’s office to check up on her but she wasn´t there. The nurse was reluctant at first to tell me where Cass had gone but after I gave her my winning smile combined with my earnest bright eyes, she told me Cass had gone home for the day.

  The rest of the afternoon was hell. Boring class after boring class and all I could do was stare at the clock. It was finally last period, so there were only a few more minutes to go. I had to track down Nick. I know that it was Friday and the center is going to need all the hands that they could get, especially since Cass wouldn’t be there, but I won’t be able to think until I see her and make sure that she is okay. Nick was my way in. I could just go over to her house, but if Nick was with me maybe I could actually step foot inside this time.

  Once the bell rang I flew from my seat. I asked Alex and Jess to take Brandon to the center, and texted him saying that I would do my best to make it there today, but something came up. I searched the parking lot until I found who I was looking for. Of course, he was surrounded by the same hostile crowd.

  “Nick, can I talk to you for a sec?” I ask, grabbing his arm and pulling him to the side so that we have a little privacy. He looks at my hand on his sleeve and then looks at me as if to say my hand had overstayed its welcome on his arm. I shake it off.

  “Sorry. It’s just that your sister left school out of the blue and I wanted to know if she’s okay” With one eyebrow up and a suspicious look on his face he fixes his army jacket and adjusts his Moonspell T-shirt.

  “Ever hear of a phone? I’m sure that you have her number,” He says and starts to make his way back to his little group of tortured souls. I grab his arm again. This time, he stops and I get the feeling he doesn’t like being touched, at least no without permission. Can’t blame him really.

  “Fine, yeah she texted that she’d gone home early, but that was just so she could get the car fixed. Happy now?” He shakes my hand off him again and looks at me with that ‘you better not touch me again look’. I see the resemblance to Cass. She has a knack for telling me what she is thinking just by the way she looks at me. I don’t touch him again but run over to my car with only one place in mind. Cass wouldn’t blow off school just for a car, of that I was positive. If Cass was at a garage with her Corolla, then there was only one mechanic that she would go to in Plymouth.

  Pete had told me that Cass had walked over to the beach, so here I was, strolling along the seashore looking for any sign of her. After just a few minutes, I see her. She is sitting on a patch of sand, her arms pulling her knees to her as she stares onto the sea as if it will answer all her questions about the mysteries of the universe. I feel my heart leap to my throat and I suddenly don’t know what I’m supposed to say.

  “Hey.” She looks up at me but puts her arm over her eyes to block out the sun. I sit next to her and grab my knees up in front of my chest.

  “Hi,” she says and averts her eyes. She even sounds numb.

  “Cass, are you okay? Jess said that you were feeling sick, but your brother said that you just ditched because you wanted to bring the car over to Pete’s.” I want to say that neither explanation sounds true, but I also don’t want to believe that it was because of our kiss. Was she so hurt that I betrayed her trust that she couldn’t even muster one afternoon of classes? If that was the reason, then I would feel worse than I already did.

  “I’m fine, Isaac. I guess I just needed some time by myself.”

  “You could have texted. I would have bailed with you to come to the beach” I say trying to lighten the mood.

  “Then I wouldn’t be by myself, would I?” She says, but I don’t hear malice in her voice. There is only sadness. I can’t stand it any longer. I sit up on my knees and grab her hand.

  “Cass, please… What’s wrong? Is it me? Are you still upset that I kissed you yesterday? I promise that it will never happen again. Please talk to me, Cass.” I caress her hand and get enough courage to lift her chin so that I can look at her face. She has tears in her eyes and I feel that I may die right here at her feet. I grab her and cradle her head on my chest while hugging her whole body to me.

  “Hush Cass, I´m here. I´m here and I always will be.” I kiss her hair and the scent of jasmine covers my senses. I kiss her head over and over again. “Hush baby, it’s all right. It’s all right. I’m here, baby.” I feel her shake and I hold her as tightly as I can without crushing her. I lift her head again and wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes are still full of them, but she is trying so hard for them not to take over. I continue to wipe each and every single tear drop and I kiss her forehead. I kiss each eyelid and taste the salt from her tears. I would do anything to make them stop. I kiss one cheek and then the other. By this time, I know I am no longer in control. Seeing her like this, seeing her in this vulnerable state deletes any logical thought that I may have had before coming to this beach. All I can think about is her and how much I want to stop this pain she is feeling.

  “It’s okay now Cass, everything will be okay, baby.” I move the stubborn stray hair away from her face and put it back behind her ear. I feel her start to calm down a bit, but I don’t want to let her go. I kiss her forehead one more time, but my heart is racing too much. I know that if I look down and see her face again, I’m going to do something stupid.

  “Cass,” It comes out more wanton than I want it to. “I really want to kiss you right now.” I feel her stiffen and look up at me with incredulous eyes. “Cass, I’m sorry. I know that I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it.” I continue to hold her and play with that stubborn piece of hair and I try very hard not to look at her face and only focus on that strand of auburn perfection.

  “I hope you believe me when I tell you that you are my best friend. That I would never do anything that would ruin the best relationship I have ever had with another human being. I hope you know that, Cass.” I vomit out the truth and there is nothing that I can do now to stop it. So I muster the courage to look at that face that is sure to break my heart.

  “You’re too important to me, Cass. Seeing you in pain like this is tearing me apart but you deserve better from me. You deserve me to be honest with you. So there is my truth. I really want to kiss you.”

  She is no longer crying. She is no longer shaking in my arms. She is just staring at me, but she seems calmer now. She looks like Cass now, even though I can still see the tear marks on her face. I trace one with my finger and I feel her hand on my chest, but she’s not pulling me away. I close my eyes because I won’t be strong enough now to resist. After yesterday’s kiss, all I think about is tasting her again and that thought will drive any man insane. Her hand is on my face, and I feel like the sun itself is burning me from the inside out. I open my eyes and feel the intensity of her gaze. She caresses my lower lip with her thumb and all of me feels that I may combust.

  “Shhh Isaac. Just, for now, don’t talk.” I am her servant. I won’t utter a word until she commands me. She doesn’t take too long to take me out of my misery. I feel her lips curve as they attach to mine and I no longer belong to myself. I am hers. I am forever hers. However she may have me, I will settle for any crumb that she feels fit to give me. But I am hers. Body and soul. I let her set her pace. I taste her cherry lips again and hold her to me, feeling that there is always too much space between us. She teases me with her tongue and I give up any pretense that this is a fair fight. She can take whatever she wants from me.

  This kiss is longer than our first. There is no rush, there is no outside world waiting for us. There is only Cass and me. Time is nothing. Only this matters. Only this is real. I touch her face and I can’t help but let out a small groan of pleasure escape from my lips. I feel her hands pulling me to her. I come up for air but only to continue to kiss her cheek, her neck the back of her ear. I can’t help but nibble on that earlobe that has been seducing me ever since that night we had our first real t
alk. I feel her moan, and I am aware that my whole body is reacting to her.

  “Isaac…”

  “No, not yet,” I kiss her sweet nose and I feel her smile.“Baby, please not yet.” She kisses me again, but this time, I feel the passion in it. She feels it too. She has to. I know her, and I know that she wants me too. The realization of this only makes me grow greedier for her caresses, for her touch. She bites my lower lip and I go mad. I lay her down on the sand and feel that my hands have a mind of their own. They want to feel all of her. They need to learn every detail of her body. Every perfect detail, every curve. I feel her hands on my hair tugging me closer. All I want is to get lost in her. To find myself in her.

  “Isaac…” She’s out of breath. Shit! Her asthma. I’m on her chest. I must be crushing her.

  “Baby, are you okay, I’m sorry. Am I hurting you?” I ask but swerve myself to her side, but never letting go of her. She caresses my face and I lean into her hand.

  “No, Isaac. You didn’t hurt me now.” I felt the blow as if she had punched me in the gut. When she said the word ‘now’, I knew what she meant. I had hurt her. Just not here at the beach and not by kissing her yesterday at gym, as I had thought. I had hurt her when she saw me being an asshole with those girls. I didn’t know. I didn’t. If I knew I would have never even considered going over to that table today. She must know that, right?

  “Cass...” I start, but I am quickly silenced by her finger on my lips again. I kiss it lightly.

  “All that you said before, you were right. You’re my best friend too. I can’t even think of losing you. But this, whatever this is, is bound to be messy. You have told me in numerous times that relationships just fuck everything up.”

  “Cass, I was talking about our parents. Not us!” I tell her, while I try to hold her tight so she sees that what she is saying doesn’t make any sense for us.

  “Do you want to take that chance, though? Do you want to risk our friendship, for something that you don’t know how it will end?” She looks at me with such compassion, that I know she has thought this through long before we ever kissed. I want to scream! «Fuck Yes I Want to Take That Risk! »

  But as I stare back at those eyes that have captivated me from the very first day I saw them, I can tell that anything I say won’t change her mind. She won’t allow it to. Deep down I know she’s right. I would fuck it up somehow, and then how would I be able to live with myself knowing that the one good thing I had in my life, I’d ruined. No, I couldn’t overcome that. I felt my heart shatter, but I knew that I would rather have Cass as my friend than not have her at all. So all that is left is the cruel truth after all.

  “I can’t lose you, Cass.” Just the idea of it makes my once racing heart stop on its tracks.

  “You won’t.” she tells me and softly kisses me and I know that this is the end of the madness that took us both over. “Can we just lie here for a moment? I’m not ready yet. Is that okay?” She whispers. I don’t say a word and just hold her closer to me. I feel tears sting my eyes, but I hold them back, knowing that if she sees them, she will think that the worst has already happened. I can’t even remember the last time I cried, but right now I feel so raw that if I say another word, the dam will undoubtedly collapse.

  She doesn’t talk about why she was crying in the first place when I found her, and I don’t try to pry it out of her. We’ve had enough talk about heartache and pain for one day. All that is left is to watch the sun set on that cold ocean while I cradle in my arms the girl that matters to me most.

  CHAPTER 14

  CASS

  After our day at the beach, we tried to act as normal as possible. We continued to do the same things as always. Go to school, hang out at Jess’s, have lunch together, go to the youth center with Brandon. Keep as busy as possible. The only thing that was different was that when we found ourselves alone, all I could do was think about us on that beach. Isaac wasn’t immune to the thought either. I saw how his eyes would change. Desire. I wanted to be near him, every minute of every day. I told myself that this would pass. That I would stop feeling this and that we would be back to our usual selves.

  I knew that what we had promised to each other that day, that we wouldn’t let this crush, infatuation; whatever you want to call it get in the way of what was already working so well. We had to surpass this. I had to surpass this. Because even though that day I finally saw that Isaac cared just as much for me as I did for him, that didn’t mean that it was a good idea to act on it. All I knew deep in my bones is that Isaac was just too important to me to gamble with.

  So we did the only thing that we could. Keep busy enough that we wouldn’t find ourselves in that situation again. So that’s exactly what we did and avoided at all costs being alone in the same room. When that did happen, then I would say that I needed to run to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Or I needed to make a call or go to the bathroom. Any excuse would serve. Only when he wasn’t watching did I allow myself to indulge a bit. When he was in class and obviously bored out of his mind and pretending to take notes but, in reality, doodling on his notebook, when he was with Brandon at the school parking lot waiting for me. The times that warmed my heart the most were when he played around with the kids at the center. Either running after one or parading around with Little Sofia on his shoulders. Those were the times that I had to pull myself together. He was so happy there. I saw it when he gave advice to a little one about how to make friends or one of the older kids that were being bullied at school. He was so good to them. He lit up in there and to me that was the only light that I ever wanted around me. Sometimes he would catch me looking and would smile that smile that made me feel as if I was the only person in the room. As if God had made that smile just for me.

  When that happened I would list the reasons that it was reckless for me to give into this like my own twelve step program:

  Number one – High school romances were a total cliché and the worst part is that you already had an expiry date to it. It was called ‘going off to college’.

  Number two – College! Being in a relationship would take away the focus and the time that I needed to impress the hell out of Berkeley.

  Number three – My extracurriculars have taken a nose- dive ever since I met Isaac. I’m still writing for the school blog, but lately, they seem more like puff pieces than real journalism. I have had no time to go find great stories because I’ve been spending all my time daydreaming of my best friend.

  Number four – No one should have the hots for their best friend. It sounds so wrong when I think it much less say it out loud. I mean I should be thinking of Isaac the same way I think of Jess or Ronnie. I don’t keep myself awake at night thinking about biting Ronnie’s lower lip, now do I? No. So I shouldn’t be thinking that about Isaac either.

  Last but not least – My mom was going through something. Something that I had no clue how to help or fix. She needed me. Even though she is isolating herself more and more each day, she is the one that I should be focusing on. I would need my best friend to help me through this. I would need Isaac. So was it wise to gamble that away just for a whim? No, it wasn’t. I wouldn’t risk it.

  When Thanksgiving arrived, I spent all day at home. I would have to get some distance once and a while from Isaac and I thought that a trial run over Thanksgiving break would do us some good. Jess had asked for me to pop by whenever I could, though. I don’t know how I could stay clear of Isaac and see Jess at the same time. I would figure that out later.

  Thanksgiving was a big thing here in Plymouth, and you could feel the love and laughter come from every household. My home did not have much laughter lately, but I’d be damned if you couldn’t feel the love.

  Both Nicky and I woke up early in the morning to set up the house just right. We placed the dinner table with only three plates, and I couldn’t help but look at Nicky and see that he was thinking the same thing.

  “Next year.” He shrugged. I gave him a small hug. Once everyth
ing was done, just as mom would have, I marched to the kitchen to get the banquet started.

  When mom finally came downstairs, I saw that she had tried to brush her hair until it shone gold and red. She had also applied some very light makeup and was wearing her U-Mass jersey with some gray sweat pants. Even though dad couldn’t make it to Thanksgiving, her wearing that jersey reminded us how he used it as an excuse to tackle her to the floor tickle her senseless until she took it off. When we were little we would all jump on her until we were all on the floor laughing ourselves silly. This morning, though, there was no tickle fest, only the notion that at least dad would be able to call today. That would have to do.

  Regardless of our family not being complete, it was a great day. Mom seemed like mom. Nicky was being charming and even I forgot that we were one short for a time. All three of us embarked in the adventure of trying to make dad’s special Thanksgiving turkey. I did the desserts; pecan, and pumpkin pie. Nicky was in charge of the mashed potatoes, green beans, and cranberry sauce. Mom took care of the turkey and made her traditional home cooked biscuits, along with her mouthwatering gravy and yams. We turned on the TV to watch the game, even though none of us actually did, but it made it seem dad was closer to us than he actually was.

  Once everything was ready, all three of us were starving. I knew that all the food that we had made wouldn’t go to waste, as mom would tell me to take the rest to the center tomorrow. By the end of our meal, even after wolfing down a great deal of food, we hadn’t been able to even make a dent in the amount.

  Today was a good day.

  Around six, Nicky told us that he had made plans with his friends to go into town. The weekend prior we had had our Thanksgiving festival, but today everyone was celebrating again. Thanksgiving is a big deal to everyone that lives Plymouth, and it seems that even Nicky had caught the bug. He kissed mom goodnight and then nodded for me to come to the door with him.