On an Edge of Glass

by Autumn Doughton

  Payton puts the deodorant tube down and comes closer. She’s almost hovering. “And?” Her voice is threaded with anticipation.

  I let the hand holding the phone drop to the bed. I squeeze my eyelids shut. When I reopen them, the room shifts. It feels like something is falling away from me. “Not good.”

  Payton takes a visible breath. “What does ‘not good’ mean Ellie?”

  “It means exactly what it sounds like,” I say, the volume of my voice rising. My brain throbs like it’s been crammed with a spiraling train of dominos and the one on the end has just been knocked down. “It means that my scores aren’t bad, but they aren’t great either. Not Columbia great. Not by a long shot.”

  “You can’t know that already. You can still get into Columbia. I know that you can. You’re like a scholastic superstar.” She sounds so sure of herself.

  I clamp my teeth down and let go of my breath. “Actually, I can know that already. Trust me, Payton. I’ve been working toward Columbia Law for practically my entire life. I know for a fact what the LSAT requirements are, and I know that these scores aren’t going to cut it.”

  She sits on the corner of the bed. “Well… um, why can’t you just take the test again?”

  I know that she’s just trying to help, but it’s like all of these feelings are rushing at me all at once. Hot tears sting the backs of my eyes. And, I’m angry—inexplicably angry—with myself, and Columbia, and my parents, and my friends, and Ben. I want to gather up all of the wasted hours of studying and the anxiety and the years of planning, and drop-kick them down an elevator shaft.

  My head thumps against the mattress. “God, Payton! It’s not so fucking simple. The scores are averaged and I don’t have time to retake it and get my complete application sent in by the deadline. I had one chance! Exactly one chance and I ruined it.”

  She doesn’t say anything. She takes my hand and just lets me cry on her bed. Maybe she understands as well as I do that there’s nothing left to be done.

  Somehow, I am dressed and out the door at nine. The green dress that Payton forced on me is swaying around my thighs. I’m wearing borrowed jewelry. My hair is brushed out and curled into soft waves courtesy of Ainsley.

  Mark keeps a tight hold of my arm as we walk toward the brick building off Cedar Avenue. Payton and Ainsley called him awhile ago and he showed up at the house holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and a box of chocolate cookies in the other. I enjoyed them both immensely.

  My head is fuzzy and light. I haven’t eaten anything but the cookies, and my stomach is making rumbling, jerking sounds.

  I laugh stupidly at something Mark says as I hand over my ID to the stoic guy parked in front of the club door. He checks our names off a list that he’s got on a clipboard and we funnel inside, trying not to step over each other’s feet as we go. Ainsley looks at me with something that I sort of hate—empathy or pity or something close to that. She leans in and speaks to Mark but it’s too low for me to hear.

  I push away from both of them and head to the bar. There’s a guy there in low-hanging jeans and a tight shirt. He’s leering at me like he might try to eat me. I flip my hair aside and let him get an eyeful as I wait for the bartender to bring over my drink. Maybe it’s the alcohol pumping through my blood or the dress that’s making me feel this way—bold and sexy. I have to hand it to Payton because she was right my clothing. The dress works and I can’t wait for Ben to see me in it. He’s here somewhere—probably getting ready to go on stage.

  I turn, searching the place. Everything is starting to spin. It’s a feeling that’s all sharp edges and burning. I take another giant swig of my drink.

  “Damn girl,” Payton says as she sashays to my side. “I said to have a vodka and cranberry and try to relax a bit. I didn’t say to toss back a kiddie pool of the stuff the minute you get in the door.”

  I giggle and hug her sloppily. When my mouth is close to her ear I ask, “Have you seen Ben?”

  She pulls back and her dark-lined hazel eyes reach into mine. “Not since this morning, but I’d take a guess that he’s in the back getting ready.”

  “Oh.” I make out the door just to the right of the stage that she glances to.

  “Look, Ainsley and I know that something is going on,” she says.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Payton rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Now isn’t the time to get into this. Not when you’re like this, but we know that you aren’t being honest with us, and it’s okay, babe. It’s okay.”

  Her words swish around my head. Does she mean that she knows about Ben and me? I scrunch up my nose and Payton laughs.

  “We’ll talk later.” She squeezes my arm and makes me promise to wait exactly where I am while she goes to find Mark and Ainsley. And then she is gone and I am left standing in the middle of all these people feeling like raw electricity. I down the last of my drink, letting the ice hit my hot lips. Despite what I told Payton, I decide to go get another drink from the bar.

  An arm stops me. A voice follows. “Hey there.”

  I look up and it’s Drew, all striking blue eyes and potent charm wrapped up in a leather jacket. Even with my brain buzzing, I don’t miss the way he looks up and down my body appreciatively.

  “You,” I say dryly, shaking my arm out of his grasp.

  He cocks his head and chuckles. “It’s nice to see you too, Ellie.”

  I take another step back. “Why are you here?” There’s venom in my voice.

  “Because it’s a free country and I felt like getting a drink.” He pushes his hand back through his light hair. An abundance of gel makes it stick up every which way. “And because Lily wanted to come see Ben and the rest of the guys play.”

  “Oh,” I say, not liking that answer at all. Lily is here. Ben is here. Ben and Lily are here at the same time.

  Drew doesn’t say anything else right away. He looks out over the crowded bar, and when he turns back to me his face is different—softer. Some of the anger that I was feeling a few seconds ago dissipates.

  “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like that between Lily and me. I mean, not anymore,” he says, blinking his blue eyes. “Maybe it was. But, you have to understand that both of us know that we made a mistake. A huge one. I hate myself for it every single day. Lily still loves Ben and so do I. Both of us have been trying to make things right with him for months now, but he’ll barely speak to either one of us. We thought that maybe… I don’t know… if we got a chance to talk to him again…”

  Drew shoves his hands into his pockets and hunches his shoulders forward. It’s a gesture so much like one that Ben would make that I half-believe him even if I don’t like the words that are coming out of his mouth. Lily still loves Ben. Loves.

  I want to throw-up or get another drink. I’m not sure which.

  “For God’s sake, they were engaged and now he won’t even answer her phone calls.”

  Now I really want to throw up.

  “Did you know that?” I don’t even know why he bothers asking me that question. I’m pretty sure he can tell by the shell-shocked expression on my face that I didn’t know that Ben and Lily were engaged. Engaged. What. The. Hell.

  I close my eyes and suck in a jagged breath. My heart is pounding. My head is pounding. In fact, every single part of me is pounding furiously at the same time. It’s really a feat of nature that I’m still standing on two feet.

  “Drew, why are you telling me any of this?”

  “Because it seemed like you and Ben were friends. Probably more than friends from the little that I saw that night at the Halloween party at your place.” He shrugs like none of it matters. “Or maybe you’re nothing at all to each other, and who knows why I wanted to tell you? Maybe I don’t even need a reason. I just thought that you should know.”

  “Where’s Lily now?” I hear myself asking in a high-pitched voice that I don’t even recognize as my own.

  He gestures with his chin. “She went
to the back hoping that she’d be able to talk to Ben before he and the guys go on stage. She wants him to understand the way that things are so that he can start to forgive her.”

  I don’t wait to hear more. Everything about this night is twisted and confused.

  I leave my empty glass on the bar top and let my feet propel me through the crowded space. Payton’s going to be pissed when she can’t find me, but I don’t care about that right now. I just need to see Ben. After this shitty day, I need to know what’s going on.

  I step through the closed door that Payton pointed out to me earlier into a dimly lit narrow hallway. The walls are lined with dark wood paneling. There are two doors on my left and three on my right. The first one I try is locked. So is the one opposite it. The handle turns on the next knob and I push the door open.

  Even though I think that I’m prepared for what I’ll find beyond that door, I’m not. Not by half.

  Ben and Lily are standing in the middle of a small room that looks like someone’s office. There’s a desk and some chairs haphazardly pushed up against the far wall and a large somewhat bizarre ceramic statue of the Three Stooges on a metal shelf in the corner. I don’t have time to dwell on the strangeness of the statue because Ben’s got his arms wrapped around Lily’s shoulders and he’s talking into her hair. The scene is so fiercely intimate that I almost gag right then and there. It feels like my heart has just been shoved out of a tenth-floor window and then trampled by a stampede of giants.

  A snowstorm of emotions slams through me all at once. I’m a huge gaping hole of a person. I’m dizzy and out-of-control and losing it.

  Ben looks up. When he sees me standing in the open door, his beautiful gold-flecked eyes go wide and that perfect of his mouth opens, but nothing comes out of it. It wouldn’t matter if it did because I can’t hear him now. I’m already off—down the hall, through the door, and pushing against the sea of bodies crashing into me, pulling me under. Everything is starting to morph together—the people and the lights are blurring and shifting like a dream and it’s not the alcohol this time. I’m crying real tears that fog everything up and weigh me down. I can barely think, but I know that I need to make it out to the black, bleeding night before everything inside of me rises to the surface.

  Wiping my face, I stumble past the bouncer who guards the front door of the bar and I turn a corner. Ben’s voice is somewhere behind me. He’s calling my name and he’s using the word please over and over again. A hundred million pleases but I still won’t look. Everything is ruined and broken and I just want to get away from it all.

  I step toward the street and lift my hand up for a taxi even though there isn’t one in sight. Ben reaches for my outstretched arm and I knock him away. He shifts and tries to pull my face back so that I’ll have to look at him. I don’t want him to see my traitorous tears, so I shove and push and spin.

  “Ellie, stop it! I swear that it’s not what you think.”

  That’s it. I laugh. His words are too much of a cliché and I can’t handle clichés right now. Not after getting my disappointing LSAT scores and everything that has gone wrong with this day. “Oh, you mean to tell me that I didn’t walk in on you and your fiancé in an embrace in the back room? That’s funny, because that’s what it looked like.”

  Ben winces. He didn’t know that I know and now he does and I can see the regret sliding around his face, altering his features. “That stuff between me and Lily is ancient history. You have to understand why I never told you all of it.”

  “Ancient history? It was a few months ago! And, no, I don’t have to understand anything you tell me because this,” I point back and forth between us, “is done so let’s not waste each other’s time by hashing out all the gory details.” I want to take it back almost immediately, but anger and hurt are working tandem on me, pushing me further. “I’m finished with you.”

  Ben grabs my elbows harshly. He’s backlit by a street light. “Ellie!” He sounds almost as worked up as me. “Will you just listen to me for one minute? That’s all I’m asking you to do.” When I don’t respond, he takes a deep breath and releases his hold on my arms. “I didn’t tell you about Lily because it has nothing to do with us. What’s happening between you and me is totally separate from all that shit! I didn’t tell you because I knew that it would freak you out and I was afraid, okay? I was afraid that you would bolt and then I wouldn’t have you in my life.” He lowers his head so that his eyes are at my level. “And I want you in my life, Ellie. I want you in my life so much that I didn’t think things through.”

  “Ben…” I drop my chin, but he pulls it back up with his index finger.

  “Don’t do this.” He says in a softer voice. We’re so close that every time he breathes I can feel it on my face. My skin starts to tingle. My heart pounds even harder against my breastbone. “Please don’t do this. We’re right for each other. I know it.”

  I blink. Then I do about the stupidest thing ever. I kiss him. I kiss him like I won’t be able to breathe otherwise. I press against him, and wrap my arms around his neck. Ben hesitates for a fraction of a second, and then he opens his mouth and lets me inside, and the spinning all around me is centered in one place. Strong hands go to my waist and pull me in, crushing me to his chest. It’s like neither of us can get close enough.

  And for a few moments I forget and everything is perfect. But, here’s a sad fact: perfect isn’t meant to be. When you aim for perfect, you just wind up ruined. I’m learning that the hard way. I had all sorts of perfect plans, but look how they turned out.

  There’s goodbye on my lips. My mouth slows and I feel Ben stiffen and pull away. He rests his face against my cheek. His voice is resigned, like he knows my secret thoughts. “Why?”

  I shake my head. Tears are burning my eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore Ben. This whole thing isn’t going to work out. Not in the long run. We’re going to wind up wanting different things from life and hurting each other even more.” I swallow a sob and let the words continue to tumble from my lips. They feel like lies, but I can’t seem to stop them. “It’s better if we end this before it can blow up in our faces. Right now we don’t even know each other’s middle names. If we go further down this road, we’ll end up tearing each other apart. This way is safer.”

  He jerks back and his expression is anguished. It’s strange how this day started out with so much possibility. I think about the goodbye kiss on the cheek that Ben gave me this morning before he left for his last exam, and how I pinched his butt as he walked away from my bed. How did we end up fighting on a dark street outside a bar?

  “Safer? Why are you saying that?” His voice is laced with accusation. “Why can’t you give us a real chance instead of assuming that we’re doomed before we start? You act like what’s between us is a piece of shit. It’s not.”

  I place my hands on top of his and hold his eyes with mine. “I know that.”

  “Jesus Ellie. You won’t even tell your friends that you’re with me. When I bring it up, you act like I’ve asked you to get my name tattooed over your heart or something. It’s like you’re embarrassed of me. Why is that? Is it because I’m not some perfect boyfriend who’s got country club parents and a five-year plan that’s carved in stone?” He steps away from me and I shiver.

  I shake my head. “It’s not like that, Ben. You know that it’s not.”

  “Then what is it like? Because it feels like you’re ripping my fucking heart out of my chest.”

  I taste the salt of my tears. “Ben, please…”

  “Please what?” When I don’t respond, he keeps going. “I need you to know that Lily and I are nothing to each other anymore. She and I are over and done with and it has nothing to do with what’s going on between you and me. And our engagement? That was a mistake. I’ve never felt…” He glances away from me. “Ellie, I swear that I was telling her goodbye again and she was sad so I hugged her, but if you think that it was more than that you don’t understand. How could I…”r />
  There’s something like sincerity in his voice, but I’m pissed and sad and drunk, and everything from this day is crammed up inside of me to the point where I’m afraid that I’m going to explode. I don’t want to hear anymore. I tell him so.

  With his back angled to me, he takes three steps away. He’s standing in front of a large acrylic sign that displays the city bus schedule. Before I realize what he’s planning to do, he cocks his arm back and punches the sign so hard that a large dent appears in the center.

  “Fuuuuuuck!”

  “Ben, no!” I gasp and grab for his curled hand but he pulls it away and cradles it against his chest.

  He shakes his head and glances over my shoulder. When I turn to see what’s caught his eye, I see Mark standing in the distance, under a street light, watching us apprehensively.

  “You know what the worst part is?” Ben whispers. “I knew that afternoon in the coffee shop. I knew it. Somehow, I knew that even though I was already broken, you would find a way to grind me down into nothing. That’s why I didn’t come over and talk to you, Ellie. I wanted to. Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to meet someone so badly before, but I just knew. And after everything that happened with Lily and Drew, I didn’t think I could handle it.” His eyes close and a pained frown pinches his forehead. “And then fate steps in and makes the two of us roommates and… well, I guess that you know the rest.”

  “Ben… I-I don’t know what to say.” I reach for him, wanting to connect somehow.

  “Forget it, Ellie.” Ben moves away from me. His body quivers. He stops and turns back. His nose is pink from the cold, or all of the emotion, or maybe both. “Phillip,” he says quietly. “That’s my middle name.” Then he tightens his jaw, shifts his injured hand and keeps going until he’s around the corner and I can’t see him anymore.

  It’s like everything that’s running inside of me is finally catching up and the only thing I’m left with is a big, hollow, empty space where all the good stuff should be.