Obsessive Compulsion

by C. E. Kilgore

  “I’m in love with you, Ian,” and I’m done being afraid of my heart. I’m done not giving this a label. I’m done not giving my all to this man who deserves everything I’ve got. “I’m in love with you,” I repeat it so he knows how much I mean it, and that’s all it takes to free him from himself.

  With a swift movement, he’s inside me as his forehead sets against mine, our eyes unblinking. “I love you, Charlotte. I love you so damn much.”

  An all-consuming kiss accompanies our fervent words – words spoken much sooner than I thought possible yesterday. Words I thought, for a long time, I’d never be able to speak again. Words that carry the weight of my heart and lift it up into a happy euphoria where the past can’t tear away the joy I feel at having Ian in my life.

  Each thrust brings us closer, his fingers tangled in my hair as I curl around him and hold on. Hard pushes hit the spot that unravels me, while his unyielding press onto my body rubs against my clit with each pass. We’re molded together, touching everywhere possible, refusing to let anything separate us – especially ourselves. His teeth find my neck, pleasure radiates between us, and I’m crying out his name.

  All I can do is hold on as I come – hold on, hold tight and never let this man go. “…love… you…”

  A low, rumbling guttural moan signals the storm’s arrival as Ian lets go of himself so he can hold onto us. Slamming hips plunge his cock as deep as I can take him, again and again, each time expelling a pleasured gasp of air from my lungs. I’m standing at the edge of the porch, silence has fallen over the fields and electricity singes across my skin.

  The storm has come and I open my arms to the sky. “Ian!”

  “Charlotte…” he growls my name through an unhindered yell with one final thrust. Warmth fills me, overtakes me, smothers me and I welcome it. Our slick bodies collapse side by side onto the mattress, his cock still pulsing inside me and my limbs refusing to let go. “Charlotte,” he whispers through heaving breaths. “My Charlotte. I love you.”

  A claim like that should have me running for the nearest exit, but instead it makes me smile. Not that my legs could run right now. Heck, I’ll be lucky if I can stand. I have an inkling that I’m gonna be a right bit tender down below, too. Ian really let go, and it was glorious.

  “Are you alright?” His nose nuzzles against my ear before he kisses my neck. It makes me shiver. “Charlotte? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

  It takes a long blink for me to figure out I’m not actually speaking the words in my head. Wow. This boy really did pound my brains out. That makes me laugh. “I’m wonderful, sweetie, just not all… all back together yet.”

  He snorts into my ear and that pushes my laughter into giggles. “I love that damn snort of yours.”

  “Seriously?” He leans up with a raised, disbelieving eyebrow.

  “I do. It’s cute.” I finger his bangs, my smile showing no signs of fading. We stare at each other for uncounted minutes, still joined in every way possible. I don’t want to leave this bed or his arms, but I know we have to face the day eventually. “What are your plans this afternoon?”

  “I usually help Brandon and Austin clean up until around four, then sometimes we have dinner together. You?”

  “Well, I was thinkin’,” I blush slightly under his gaze. “Maybe we could just stay another night? Brandon, Emma and I will be leaving for Oklahoma on Tuesday morning and won’t be back ‘till Saturday, so… I was hopin’ to spend some time with just you and me.”

  His brow scrunches up. “Has my invitation been rescinded?”

  “Not at all, I just thought… I’d love for you to spend Christmas with me… us.”

  “Then I’ll find a way to make it work.” He dips down, kisses me then pulls away. “Might have to knock me unconscious with the way Brandon drives.”

  “You and me both,” I wink. I start idly playing with his bangs again, the odd giddy sensation still fluttering through my tummy. Now that my heart’s had its say, my brain can’t deny these feelings. I’m so very much in love with Ian Rider. “So, you’re still okay?”

  “The beautiful woman I’ve been obsessing over for three months just told me she loves me,” he quips then kisses my nose. “Charlotte, I’m fucking fantastic!”

  “I’m glad,” I laugh, wiggling my hips slightly to remind him just how connected we still are. “I’m just surprised you’re not freaking out, even a little bit.”

  Instead of pulling out, he grabs my hip and leverages himself deeper between my legs. “So am I, but I don’t want to question it, either. Maybe love does conquer all?” His head sinks to my shoulder. “Sorry, that was horribly cheesy.”

  “Nah,” I smile at the idea and kiss his shoulder. “I think it’s the best explanation we’ve got right now, so we should just go with it.”

  “Just go with it…” He leans away again to look at me. “I’ve never been able to ‘just go with it’ a single day in my life.”

  “And how does it feel?”

  “Pretty damn amazing,” he whispers against my lips. His hips move up again, making us both moan. “You’re so incredibly amazing, Charlotte. I want to lay here all day with you,” his words are soft brushes across my skin. “All day and all night.”

  “And the next day?” I ponder out loud, my mind hazy in love.

  “And the day after that,” he thrusts into me again, “and the day after, and the day after…”

  Each whispered promise of days to come precedes another thrust. I’m already so close to the edge of another orgasm, I wonder if I ever actually came down from the first one. By the fifth push of his cock along the tender nerves, I’m whimpering in a fever for more of his touch. “Yes, Ian. There. I need you there. Don’t stop… Don’t…”

  “I won’t,” he whispers into my ear as my whole body tenses under him. “I’ll love you forever, Charlotte.”

  The air leaves my lungs. The world disappears. My cocooned heart shatters wide open and long-forgotten wings unfold.

  Ian

  I watch in pure wonder as Charlotte dies then is reborn. La petite mort – the ‘little death’. Her orgasm is a glimpse into her soul, unrestrained and wide open, and I know I’ll love this soul forever.

  I slowly ease out of her, letting her body come back down. I could stay within her body’s warm embrace all day and never get enough, but I know I need to stop. I need to stop, because I can feel the obsession tightening its grip.

  I need to touch her. I need to be inside her. I need to know that she’s mine, only mine, and that she’s not leaving me. I need reassurance of her love. I need...

  Get it together, Rider. Control it. Breathe in. She’s not leaving you. She loves you. Breathe out.

  I was afraid of this. I’m slipping the other direction – latching onto Charlotte in a manner that could drive her away just as fast as my original issues. At least I’m seeing the early signs. Michelle, my therapist, would say that’s a good thing. Progress, she’d call it, and I know I have so much ‘progress’ to discuss with her on Monday.

  Charlotte’s eyes flutter back open as a wide smile graces her lips. She really is so very beautiful. I kiss those lips softly then make an attempt to leave the bed. “I need to go help Brandon.”

  “I’ll help,” she replies with blissful laziness.

  I love seeing her like this and knowing I’m the one that helped her reach the sensations buzzing through her. It’s tempting to stand here and stare at her. I tear my gaze away from her stunning body and begin the search for my pants as she makes an effort to sit upright.

  Her effort ends in a flop back against the mattress and a sputtered exhale. “If you see my undies hidin’ out with your pants, toss ‘em my way, will you?”

  “But that would mean you’d be getting dressed,” I tease, picking her panties up and dangling them. “I’m not sure I can support such a proposition.”

  “Well, I ‘spose I could go downstairs in nothin’ but skin,” she teases back. “It’s allowed, after all.”<
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  “Sure,” I shrug, exchanging my briefs for a clean pair from my dresser then do the same with her panties from her overnight bag. “Just give me a few minutes to go down and blindfold everyone, first.”

  “Awe, not jealous, are you sweetie?” she crawls closer to the edge as I approach with a clean pair of blue lace underwear for her.

  I stand in front of her, butt naked, with her panties in one hand and my underwear in the other. With a twitch stuttering beyond my control, I speak before thinking. “Mine.”

  Her eyes widen as she raises up on her knees and I immediately try to correct the slip. “I’m sorry, Charlotte, I didn’t…” my words end when her lips crash against mine.

  I drop the underwear and grab her hair, our kiss becoming mutually possessive. It’s so dangerous, what I’m allowing to happen. My mind is forming a strong, demanding urge to claim and keep, but the kiss takes away my ability to fight it.

  She pulls away with a hard nip on my bottom lip, stares straight into my eyes and claims me right back. “Mine.”

  Holy. Fuck. “I love you, Charlotte.”

  “Show me,” she whispers, pulling me with her back into bed by a tug on my reawakened dick.

  Forty minutes and a long shower later, we finally make our way downstairs to help with breakfast. Luckily, sleeping-in is a common theme on Saturday mornings at The Stables. It’s nine-thirty and only a handful of members are in the large sunroom that’s been converted into a dining hall. A few glance up from their coffee, including Cam and Joey. Joey lets out a bubbly giggle behind her hand and Cam winks at us from over the page of her newspaper.

  We’re all back in street wear – jeans, shirts, and some in regular pajamas. Well, most of us.

  Bull is still in full bondage, nonchalantly stirring his tea and staring out the sunroom windows. We all have running bets that he wears the studded leather chest and jock harnesses underneath his business suits. Shuffling in on her footed pajamas, Rabbit sneaks up behind him, kisses his bald head then scurries away, leaving him chuckling into his teacup.

  Charlotte lets out a quiet laugh and I remember that this is her first time seeing the members in the morning. The casual, playful atmosphere is typical right alongside scrambled eggs and toast. We aren’t just a BDSM club with nicknamed members. We’re a family who share a lifestyle and openly care about one another. They’ve become a support group for me over the years, and I want Charlotte to be a permanent part of it.

  Mrs. Kitty exits the kitchen carrying a tray of freshly baked blueberry muffins. Her husband, Checkers, follows with a tray of freshly cut fruit. The couple is in their fifties, but they have no lack of love between them and no qualms about their sexuality. They stop, catching sight of Charlotte and I, and Mrs. Kitty lets out a motherly, smiling sigh of relief.

  “Good morning!” she says cheerily.

  “Morn’n,” Checkers tips his head as if he were wearing a hat over his grey hair. “Mighty fine sight, see’n you two together this morn’n.”

  “Oh, let the poor young’ns alone,” Kitty giggles as Charlotte leans against my arm and I blush.

  I nod towards the trays they’re carrying. “Thank you for helping with breakfast.”

  “Never you mind,” Checkers winks. “Was a rough night for a few of us, but pitchin’ in is what family’s for.”

  “Looks like that fat lady aint sung yet, either,” Kitty sighs and nods towards the kitchen then lowers her voice to a soft whisper. “Austin just got back, and he’s all a mess. Saul aint with him, either, which might be a good thing considering the state of Kyle’s face.”

  I mirror Mrs. Kitty’s worried frown as she and Checkers head into the dining room. Checkers and Mrs. Kitty are some of the few members, along with Rabbit, Bull, Cam and Crow who know us outside of the club. They’ve become as close as non-blood family can get, thanks mostly to Emma. If Kitty’s motherly worry is any indication, I’m preparing myself for some bad news as Charlotte and I head into the kitchen.

  Brandon looks up from the griddle mid-pancake flip. He eyes me, then Charlotte, then our clasped glove-free hands. With a heavy exhale, he raises his eyes to the ceiling like he’s sending a thanks skywards. “Thank God. At least one thing last night went right.”

  “Mornin’,” Kyle’s gruff, unenthusiastic greeting from the dining room table draws my attention. He’s leaning back in a chair with a bag of frozen peas over both eyes. Last night, he looked like shit through my whisky goggles. Today, he looks like Saul tied him to a truck and drug him through a briar patch before beating him with a baseball bat.

  “Charlie!” Emma bounces into the kitchen from the pantry carrying a bag of flour. Austin follows her with sugar and coffee beans, his eyes lowered.

  “Mornin’, sweetie,” Charlotte gives Emma a one armed hug. Charlotte hasn’t let go of my hand since we left the bedroom, and that’s perfectly fine with me. She nods to Austin who has finally raised his eyes to the room.

  A look passes between them, and I have to remind myself who Austin is to keep the jealousy at bay. I’m kicking myself in the ass for being stupid when Austin glances at our joined hands, smiles for a split second then looks back down at the floor. “I’m gonna go check the coffee,” he mumbles and heads into the dining hall.

  After he leaves, I look to Brandon for an explanation. Brandon ladles three circles of batter onto the griddle then sighs. “Saul was already gone from lockup by the time Austin got there. Randy let Saul out despite James leaving a ‘pick-up only’ order, and we have no idea where that boy’s disappeared to.”

  “He’s not at Sarah’s,” Kyle tosses the peas onto the table and manages to open one eye halfway. “Or his place. Vic’s been out searching, but I think he’s headed south.”

  “To his mom’s?” That shocks me. He must been in a majorly fucked-up mindset if he’s willing to head out there. “Shit,” my free hand twitches so I run it through my hair while Charlotte tightens her grip on my other hand. She doesn’t know that lovely story, and I don’t think it’s my place to explain it further.

  A ringtone chiming from Charlotte’s back pocket ends the uneasy silence along with her curious glance to me seeking more info on why Saul’s mom is a problem. She looks at her phone, raises an eyebrow then answers as she walks out onto the back porch. “Hello? Yes, this is Miss McLeod…”

  My eyes follow her, the new obsessive urges pushing me not to let her out of my sight. With a deep inhale, I fist my empty hand in an attempt to get over how wrong it feels not having Charlotte holding it and standing right next to me. I know what I need to do and that it’s best for me and Charlotte, but that doesn’t make doing it any easier.

  “I need you to give me a job for the rest of today, tomorrow and possibly Monday,” I say to Brandon through clenched teeth as my heart angrily tries to shut me up.

  Brandon’s one eyebrow, the only one he’s got, raises high. Before he can ask why, Emma touches my sleeve and replies. “I’ll keep her busy, but I don’t think distance is the answer.”

  Just like that, Emma completely understands what’s going on. She really can see people inside out. She’s frowning at me though, and I hate seeing her unsmiling. “It’s all I can think of right now,” I sigh. “At least until I can talk to Michelle.”

  Emma skews her brow and scrunches her nose then relents with a nod. “Okay.” She puts on her beaming smile again and skips out the screen door to join Charlotte on the porch.

  Brandon flips the last pancakes onto the platter. “Want to tell me why you’re stealing my wife to keep Charlie busy ‘til Monday?”

  Unable to take my eyes off the screen door, I allow my OCD that little indulgence as I respond. “I can touch her, but now I can’t touch her enough. I want to be with her every second, and I don’t know how to manage that without smothering her. My damn OCD has locked onto her and it’s getting worse the more I’m near her.”

  “That aint your OCD.” Kyle gets up and tosses the defrosted bag of peas into the sink. He stares at me th
rough barely open eyes, but I get the feeling he can see me just fine. “That’s just love,” he finally says, and the word love comes out as a loathing hiss. “It fucks you up, makes you do stupid fucking shit and then leaves you out to hang.”

  He glares at Brandon who was about to object. “Save it, Peters. You got lucky with Emma and we all know it. It works out like that once in a fucking fairytale. The rest of us,” he looks back to me, “don’t get some princess in glass slippers who just magically accepts all our fucked-up crap. Don’t be stupid, Ian. Keep your heart out of it, and you’ll be happier for it.”

  Half of me, the part that fears getting hurt or hurting Charlotte, wants to agree with what he’s saying. I’ve had a front row seat to Kyle’s reality for almost a decade, slowly watching him unravel as the years pass and he remains stuck. I know precisely where his spite for the ‘L’ word is coming from.

  The other half of me wants to grab the skillet off the counter and finish what Saul started, because I finally get it. It’s now clear as day why Kyle and Sarah continue to go in pointless, exhausting circles. I may fear getting hurt, but I’m more afraid that Charlotte and I will end up like them if I follow Kyle’s advice.

  I match his glare and lower my voice to a whispered warning. “Charlotte deserves nothing less than everything I have to give her. Your inability to understand that is why Sarah will never let you all the way into her life.”

  My words stun him for half a second and I expect him to come at me with fists raised. Even Brandon steps in between us, ready for a fight. I see the pain come across Kyle’s face, then he’s marching out the screen door with a mumbled ‘fuck you, Rider’ under his breath.

  “Dammit,” I take in several deep breaths. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “He needed to hear it,” Brandon tries to lighten my guilt.

  “Where’s Kyle headed?” Charlotte asks as she and Emma step back into the kitchen. “He looked even worse, if that’s at all possible.”

  “Out to Sarah’s to begin the cleanup,” Brandon replies with an easy smile. “I’m gonna need to borrow Ian for a bit to look into this Forester bullshit.” He looks back to me. “I need you to hit up Vincent and see if we can figure out exactly what, and how much, Forester knows.”