The Second Life of Nathan Jones

by David Atkinson

  ‘Initially, yeah’, she confirmed. ‘But, later, I had to work at it.’

  ‘It still doesn’t make it right, Hayley.’

  ‘How can I not go out with someone that walks like a panther? Besides, well, the way I see it is what better way to lay a ghost than to lay the ghost?’

  I couldn’t help laughing despite my shock. ‘You’ve slept with him already?’

  She nodded.

  ‘You tart. You slept with him on your first date, that’s not like you?’

  ‘I know, crazy and it wasn’t really a date. He came back at the end of the afternoon, we went for a few drinks and it kind of progressed from there. Anyway, it was you who told me to join a divorced dating site.’

  ‘Yeah, so you could meet some random divorcee, not grab one that’s not even divorced yet. What if he gets back with his wife? What if he decides it’s too early to date someone new? What if he just wants a sh—?’

  ‘Does any of this sound familiar to you, Kat?’

  I stopped and thought about what I’d said and watched the deadly serious face of my friend. Slowly I noticed a small twitch appear on the left side of her mouth, then it spread to the other side, then seconds later we were both screeching with laughter. I said eventually, between breaths, wiping tears of laughter from my eyes, ‘What are we like?’

  Chapter 17

  Monday arrived sunny and warm and I donned a pair of black leggings, matching tunic top and my black military minx jacket. Given I felt like I might be heading off on some kind of military campaign, the choice was apt. I also went for my black Berghaus boots with the ermine faux fur around the tops as they were comfy. I toned down my make-up a little, but then had to rewash my hair after I dripped jam from my toast onto my GHD straighteners without noticing and then applied the sticky mess to my lovely dry locks.

  For some reason I felt more nervous about meeting his kids than I had been on the evening I’d turned up at his flat unannounced.

  ‘What if they hate me?’

  They probably will, my inner self answered.

  ‘Thanks for that.’

  My pleasure. Think about it; their mother has pissed off down south, then you waltz into their dad’s life. Hardly a recipe for a magic meeting.

  ‘That’s what I love about you – your optimism.’

  Just pointing out what might happen.

  ‘I need to think positive.’

  No point in talking to me, then.

  ‘Okay.’

  I knew very little about children, except that little girls were complex things – I used to be one once and I was very complex.

  I arrived outside Nathan’s flat and switched off the engine. The area looked a little better in daylight, but I had to remind myself that everywhere looked nicer when the sun shone. I got out, locked the car and pressed the buzzer. Nathan’s tinny voice said, ‘Just stay there, we’ll be right down.’

  A few minutes later he appeared dressed in black Superdry cargo trousers and a white polo shirt. He had a canvas jacket in his hand and dark desert boots on his feet. He looked as if he’d just stepped out of a catalogue with his casual look and roughly gelled hair. Behind him were his three beautiful daughters, all with jet-black hair and dark emerald eyes. I felt outnumbered and outclassed.

  Nathan smiled and said, ‘This is Millie, Chloe and Daisy, in order of age and size.’

  I smiled and said, ‘I’m pleased to meet you all.’

  For a fraction of a second, I didn’t know what to say next. My first thought had been to compliment the way they looked, but I remembered when I was a little girl that was all anybody ever said to me, even though I knew I had a fat body and squished face. In fact, I reckoned that was where some of my neuroses began – not the fact that I had a fat body and squished face, but that people ignored my obvious shortcomings and said, ‘Aw, she’s lovely.’

  Instead I knelt in front of Chloe. I instinctively knew she’d be the key to our introduction. Daisy didn’t really understand the ins and outs of the situation due to her age, Millie knew fine well, which left Chloe as the perfect in-betweener. ‘How are you feeling, sweetie?’

  ‘I want to see the lions and I miss my mummy.’

  Wow, all her emotions in one short sentence. ‘That’s fine. I want to see the lions too and, you know what, even though I’m a grown-up I sometimes miss my mummy too.’

  Her eyes were wide with surprise. ‘You miss your mummy? Is she dead?’

  I laughed. ‘No, she’s not dead, she lives in Glasgow and I don’t see her as much as I should.’

  ‘You should visit more, then.’

  ‘You’re right, Chloe, I should.’ I noticed Nathan watching me and said, ‘I miss my daddy too.’

  ‘Is he dead?’ Chloe asked with a serious face. Her obsession with death intrigued me. I remembered having a similar fixation at the same age – who was I kidding? I still had it – even their dad had been dead when I’d met him.

  I smiled. ‘No, sweetie, my dad is very much alive. He likes sheds.’

  An adult would be taken aback by such a statement, but Chloe took it in her stride. ‘Urgh, sheds are full of spiders.’

  ‘My dad’s sheds are spotless, Chloe; no spider would dare set up home in one of his sheds.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘What’s your favourite thing in the whole wide world?’

  ‘Hannah.’

  I raised my eyebrows to Nathan, who said, ‘Hannah’s her “real life” baby doll.’

  ‘Real life doll? That makes about as much sense as bumblebees.’

  ‘Bumblebees?’

  ‘Yeah, bumblebees make no sense at all.’

  ‘Don’t they?’ asked Nathan.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Okay.’

  I turned my attention back to Chloe. ‘So, listen, honey, would you let Hannah get all dirty and covered in spiders?’

  She squished up her features, almost reminding me of myself at that age, and said, ‘Urggh, no way.’

  ‘Well, that’s how my dad feels about his sheds.’

  Nathan knelt beside me. ‘Sheds, as in plural?’

  ‘Yeah, he’s got three sheds.’

  ‘What does he do with three sheds?’

  ‘He keeps stuff in them.’

  ‘What stuff?’

  ‘Just stuff. He locked the local MP inside one for three hours once but that didn’t end well.’

  I stood up and stretched my back. Millie, I knew, had not taken her eyes off me since I’d arrived. She stepped forward and asked, ‘Why do bumblebees not make any sense?’

  I smiled. ‘Because they are big and bumble about all over the place and probably shouldn’t be able to fly but they can.’

  I could see Millie taking in what I had just said. ‘Oh. But they give us honey.’

  I hesitated. ‘They don’t really, we get honey from honey bees, not bumblebees, but they do pollinate flowers, which is very useful. Now, what are you looking forward to today?’

  Millie smiled. ‘Lions, tigers and bears … oh my.’

  I burst out laughing and noticed that only Millie and I understood the joke. Nathan just looked at us with a strange look on his face and Chloe and Daisy were oblivious. I grabbed Millie’s arm and we skipped to Nathan’s car saying, ‘Lions, tigers and bears, oh my!’ I’d made connections with Chloe and Millie and I was sure I’d get Daisy onside by the time we got to the safari park.

  Nathan’s car, a large Ford Mondeo estate, meant lots of room for everyone and the large picnic cool box he’d shoved in the boot before leaving.

  On the way I picked up the leaflet he had on the safari park and noted that it charged quite a lot of money to get in. I had an idea that might give everyone a good laugh and save us a few quid into the bargain. I checked his satnav, which said we had about eight miles left to go or twelve minutes. I swivelled my head around and said to the girls, ‘Right, who’s up for hiding in the boot?’

  The three girls squealed and all three thrust their hands in the
air. Nathan said, ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘We’re all going to hide in the boot until we’re safely inside the safari park.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Firstly, it’s fun and, secondly, it’ll save us some money.’

  ‘But it’s not safe.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. Stop a mile or two before the entrance and we’ll all sneak into the back.’ I could tell Nathan wasn’t happy but today was about the girls and not him, so a few minutes later we all crawled into the back and Nathan reluctantly drove on.

  A few miles down the road we stopped at the tollbooth at the entrance to the park and I could hear the muffled voice of the girl talking to Nathan. I tried to stifle a giggle but couldn’t, which set the girls off and all four of us started giggling. Thankfully Nathan drove off just as the giggles turned into full-scale laughter. Once we got out of the car I took one look at Nathan’s grumpy face and started laughing again.

  ‘What’s wrong, Nathan? We just saved a fortune.’

  ‘What if we’d got caught?’

  ‘But we didn’t. You can’t spend time worrying about things that didn’t happen – that won’t lead you anywhere good.’

  I could see him trying to process my last statement in his overly cautious brain. I supposed his reticence had something to do with having kids and needing to think differently from me, but eventually he worked it out and smiled. ‘Yeah, okay.’

  The sun had his hat on and the temperature hovered in the mid-sixties in old money and that, for Scotland in April, was about as good as it got. We sat at an outside table under a shady parasol and ate the lunch Nathan had packed, supplemented by coffee and ice cream from the nearby café.

  Nathan, I’m sure, would have been happy to sit there all day and watch the girls playing on the huge play frame in the shape of a boat situated a few metres away, but I’d come to see the animals so I rounded everyone up, which took some time.

  We first headed off to see Nathan’s relatives on Chimp Island. This involved standing in a queue for twenty minutes before being herded onto a boat, which circled the island and then headed back to shore. I spotted one chimp, which appeared to be busy smacking another one on the head with a coconut.

  ‘What’s the monkey doing with that coconut?’ asked Chloe.

  Nathan scratched his chin and said, ‘I don’t know.’

  I jumped in. ‘I think he’s trying to crack it open.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it be better smacking it off a rock?’

  ‘Probably, but monkeys aren’t that bright.’

  ‘They share a lot of the same DNA with us,’ argued Nathan.

  ‘Exactly,’ I said, smiling.

  After the boat ride we stood and watched two rhinos trying to shag each other for a few minutes; they were soon joined in the same enclosure by some amorous zebras. Maybe it had something to do with the sunshine or maybe we’d come on ‘animal porn day’.

  Thankfully the remainder of the afternoon passed without any further sex scenes and Nathan relaxed as the day wore on. By the time we saw the birds of prey at 3.30 p.m. he’d started smiling. I realised that he’d been really stressed, like a tightly coiled spring. I didn’t know if this had anything to do with me meeting his daughters or if it represented his default setting since his wife had buggered off. In any event he needed a chill pill.

  On the way out, we eventually visited the lion enclosure and watched the most boring bunch of lions I’d ever seen. They sat under an old tree sleeping and didn’t move a muscle despite the hordes of cars driving past. They were the lion equivalents of lazy scroungers. I suppose being kept in a safari park meant they didn’t need to hunt for anything and park employees chucked them a dead cow every other day to chew on.

  The girls were very quiet on the way home. I put it down to tiredness, but I suppose the fact they were missing their mother might have had something to do with it.

  I had planned on heading off home as soon as we got back but Nathan insisted I stay for dinner. His plan to order Chinese takeout went down well.

  In the flat I initially sat on the couch in the living room while the girls went to their rooms. Nathan had disappeared into the kitchen – probably to polish the fridge in case I did an impromptu inspection. After a few minutes of sitting on my own I wandered down the hall, knocked on Millie’s door (I perceptively spotted the name ‘Millie’ stuck on it) and went in. What struck me most? The sheer tidiness of the place. Not a thing lay on the floor, there were no clothes on the bed and not a speck of dust could be detected. I imagined it to be like an army billet – I’d never been near an army base so I was guessing here, but it felt as if everything had been made ready for the sergeant major’s inspection.

  Millie wasn’t there. I heard voices in the next room and found her in there with her sisters. Chloe and Daisy shared this bedroom and again, not a thing seemed to be out of place. Little girls shouldn’t be this tidy. It didn’t feel right.

  ‘When did you last make a mess?’

  Three pairs of dark green eyes focused on me, as if I’d just suggested we should gut a kitten.

  ‘When did you last come home all muddy and wet?’

  Same reaction, three girls staring at me like the kids from Village of the Damned except they were all dark, not blonde.

  ‘When did you last make a den?’

  Millie blinked, then said, ‘A what?’

  ‘A den.’

  ‘What’s a den?’

  I couldn’t believe she didn’t know. ‘A den, a secret place away from adults.’

  Chloe piped up, ‘Mummy doesn’t like secrets.’

  That explained a lot, and the identity of the sergeant major. ‘Right, this way, we’re going to build a den.’ I marched into the living room with them trailing behind me like an impish sprite about to lead them into mischief.

  ‘Right, Chloe, you take all the cushions off the couch.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You’ll see.’

  ‘Where do I put them?’

  ‘On the floor for now.’

  I watched while she followed my instruction.

  I then moved the couch around, so it sat across a corner leaving a gap. I then picked up the cushions and laid them on the back, so they formed a roof over the dark corner making a ‘secret space’. Well, okay, not that secret but I had to start somewhere.

  Six eyes continued to watch me.

  ‘There you go. It’s not great but it’s a start.’

  ‘What do we do with it?’ asked Millie, assuming the role of chief spokesperson to the lunatic.

  ‘You crawl into the space and sit there.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s fun; it’s called playing – you’ve got a space away from all the adults.’

  ‘There’s only you and Dad here.’

  ‘True, but it gets you away from us.’

  ‘Do you want rid of us, so you can be alone? We can play in our rooms.’

  What was wrong with these kids? ‘No, I don’t want rid of you. It’s the other way around – you need space away from adults to play and, well … to do naughty things.’

  ‘Mummy says it’s not good to be naughty.’

  I felt so sorry for them I wanted to cry. They’d end up more screwed up than me at this rate and that would be saying something.

  I crawled into the den and reluctantly they followed me in. We all sat there in the shady corner.

  ‘Now what?’ asked Millie.

  ‘Now you use your imagination. Have you not got any secret things that you’d like to bring into the den?’

  Eventually Daisy said, ‘Mr Mistyfluffs.’

  I smiled at her. ‘Who is Mr Mistyfluffs?’

  ‘He’s a cat I got from the bear factory.’

  ‘Wouldn’t you get him from the cat factory?’

  Daisy crinkled up her nose. ‘Where’s that?’

  Millie piped up. ‘There isn’t a cat factory, Daisy; only a bear factory, where they also sell cats, dogs, goat
s, monkeys and Minions.’

  ‘What’s a Minion?’ I asked, intrigued.

  Millie darted a glance at me. ‘You’re joking, right?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘They’re blue and yellow.’

  I nodded, none the wiser. ‘Why don’t you go and get Mr Mistyfluffs, Daisy, and maybe get a Minion too so I can see what it is?’

  Away she went.

  ‘Chloe?’

  ‘I could bring my jewellery box in.’

  ‘Good girl, go get it, then.’

  ‘Millie, what about you?’

  ‘I’ve got my princess diary with the padlock on it.’

  ‘Excellent – now we’re getting somewhere.’

  A few minutes later they were well into the swing of it and the den had filled up with a selection of toys and possessions, including an annoying square Minion figure that had Tourette’s tendencies and kept saying, ‘Wayhay,’ for absolutely no reason at all.

  Daisy had started pretending to be a cat called Bella. Her sisters were petting her, and she purred.

  Nathan then appeared and nearly spoiled it all. ‘What’s going on in here? Who’s making a mess?’

  I popped my head up out of the top of the den and said, ‘Me.’

  Daisy popped up and said, ‘Meow.’

  The Minion said, ‘Wayhay.’

  ‘What are you doing, Kat, messing up the room?’

  ‘Wayhay.’

  ‘Who keeps saying that?’

  I didn’t answer him. I crawled out of the small space and escorted him by the arm out of the room into the kitchen. ‘The girls are playing.’

  ‘They’re making a mess.’

  ‘Yes, they are and it’s healthy.’

  ‘It’s a mess.’

  I sighed. ‘Nathan, you and Laura have these girls living like little mice, too scared to even squeak.’

  ‘What are you on about now?’

  ‘When did the girls last come home dirty?’

  ‘We don’t really go anywhere dirty.’

  ‘Why not?’

  Nathan paused while he thought of an answer. ‘I don’t know. Because Laura likes everything neat and tidy.’

  ‘When were you last at the beach?’

  ‘I don’t think we’ve ever been to the beach.’