From Our First: A Promise Me Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. Hazel was up in an instant, hugging me tightly, but I had to push her away. “I won’t be able to finish if you’re hugging me. I’m so sorry.”

  Hazel wiped my cheeks and then nodded; her eyes now filled with tears.

  “Of course. What happened?” she asked.

  I looked at my wine, took another sip, and then set it down. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, and this would likely go right to my head if I wasn’t careful. “My parents came here with my cousin Roland to tell me that Grandma passed.”

  “That asshole came with them?” Hazel asked and then held out her hand. “Sorry. But I hate your cousin.”

  “I hate him, too. But yes, he was here.” I paused. “My grandmother had been dead for over a week. A week,” I repeated. “They already had the funeral. And they didn’t tell me. I didn’t even know that she was gone.” I swallowed hard.

  “I was planning to call her for our normal call. But I’d been so in my head, I hadn’t even realized it had been a while since I’d gotten an email or update. A week. She never let that much time pass. My family didn’t tell me anything, you guys. My parents and Roland and the others basically hid her death from me.”

  “Those fuckers,” Paris snapped.

  “I can’t believe they would do that,” Dakota said. “I mean, I don’t know them, so this might be right in their wheelhouse, but that’s so cruel. I can see from the way you’re grieving that you loved your grandmother.”

  “I did. I do. I don’t know what the right tense is supposed to be. I haven’t even had a chance to grieve. They came here because I’m supposed to meet with the lawyer soon about the will. It’s all about money to them. It always has been. They didn’t even have the decency to call or anything to tell me that my grandmother was dead. My mother’s mother is dead, and they didn’t tell me anything until well after the fact. They clearly washed their hands of me after I finally left their precious home and decided that I needed to be my own person. Which is fine. But they decided that I didn’t get to have anything to do with the family. They cut me out. And while I appreciate not having to deal with them, they took something precious from me, and I’m never going to forgive them.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Dakota said softly.

  “That’s not the only thing I won’t forgive them for,” I whispered and then looked over at Hazel. “There’s something I need to tell all of you. Something that you may hate me for. But I need you to listen while I explain. And I need you to not shove me out of the house and hate me, at least until I finish. Can you promise to do that?” I asked.

  “You’re worrying me.”

  I looked at Paris. “I know. And I’m sorry. I’ll likely deserve everything you’ll probably shove at me later, but if I don’t get it out now, and all at once, I’ll never be able to.”

  “Tell us,” Hazel said, her voice a little cold.

  I took a deep breath, and then I told them. “Nate is my ex-husband,” I blurted.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Paris asked.

  “Paris, I’m sure she’s kidding. Right?” Dakota asked.

  Hazel looked at me in silence, her eyes narrowed.

  “When I moved to Colorado for college, Nate and I met, and we fell in love. Somehow, we got it into our brains that we should get married. And that’s what we did when we were in Vegas for spring break.”

  They were silent for a moment, and my pulse raced. What would happen if they pushed me away? What would I say? What could I do? I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it, and yet, I knew I wouldn’t be able to blame these wonderful women if they never wanted to see me again.

  Dakota let out a breath. “You were married. To our Nate. And you never told us?”

  I shook my head, my hands shaking. “No. I didn’t. But yes, we were married. We thought it was us against the world, but it turned out that it wasn’t.”

  “And that’s why you hate each other so much,” Dakota whispered.

  “Maybe. As it turns out, it was all a complete misunderstanding,” I said dryly.

  “That you were married?” Paris asked snidely.

  “No, we went into that with our heads full of promise and love and stupidity. My parents made sure they broke us up, though.”

  Silence filled the room as the others tried to keep up. I felt like I was drowning.

  “They wouldn’t have liked Nate,” Hazel added.

  “No, they wouldn’t,” I replied. “Apparently, they found out. My family always had people watching me. They had enough money and could do anything. And they did. They found out I married Nate, and they doctored photos to show that I was cheating on him with my ex-boyfriend. And Nathan believed them.”

  “You call him Nathan,” Dakota whispered.

  “He believed you cheated?” Paris asked. “What a fucking asshole.”

  “You were married,” Hazel said again.

  I shook my head and then sat down on the ottoman in front of the table. “Yes. I call him Nathan. It was a thing between us, and sometimes it comes out. And yes, he believed them, but he had proof—or so he thought. I don’t know who would blame him. And, yes…we were married.”

  I looked at the others, and they stared. I could see them thinking hard and trying to piece everything together, and I knew I needed to keep going. “It all came out when Nathan came to the house to talk to me. We’ve been trying for a truce, you see. I hated him because he never trusted me, and he hated me because he thought I cheated. Anyway, he came to the house the other day when my parents were there, and the truth came out. Nate and I haven’t talked since. We will, though I don’t know what’ll come of it. But I told him I needed to tell you. And he’s telling his family now.”

  “Oh my God,” Hazel muttered. “His brothers are going to hate this.”

  “It all started off wrong,” I continued. “When you introduced me to him, I didn’t know how to tell you that we already knew each other. In so many ways.” I laughed hollowly. “How was I supposed to tell you that I had married the person I thought was the love of my life, and that it had turned out to be a moment that shattered me into a million pieces?”

  “We’re your best friends, you should’ve told us,” Dakota said, and my heart broke once more. “But we understand about secrets. I get why you couldn’t tell us before we met him. But why keep up with the lie afterwards?”

  I looked down at my hands, frowning. “It snowballed, I guess.” I shrugged and looked up at Hazel. “I didn’t know you would fall for Cross. I didn’t know that his family and the family that I made would intertwine so much. But when everything happened, it became this taboo thing where I couldn’t speak the words that I needed to, and he couldn’t either. We just hid the secrets because we were afraid of the outcome, and now there’s no going back. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I lied—I’m sorry we lied. I hope you can forgive me. Because I’m breaking inside over many things right now, and I don’t know what I’ll do if you guys walk away from me.”

  They were silent for a moment, and I was afraid that this was it. Would they tell me to leave, and make me lose everything? I’d lost the one person in my birth family that I loved more than anything, I had lost Nathan years ago, and now, I was afraid I would lose the family of my heart, too.

  Hazel stood up first, and I rose as well, ready to leave if I needed to. But then she opened her arms and pulled me close, and the tears fell again.

  “I’m so sorry you were afraid that we would walk away. We’ve all made mistakes, and now have to deal with the consequences,” Hazel said. “And the consequences mean that we’re going to be all growly with you, but we still love you.”

  Dakota leaned forward. “You’ve been through so much. All of us have. We don’t toss out our family because of a single mistake.”

  I shook, my tears still falling. “It’s more than a single mistake,” I countered.

  “It’s like you want to get rid of us,” Paris teased.

  �
�I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying not to freak out, but I am. Everything that I thought was the truth is a lie. My parents deliberately pushed Nate away from me. And I loved him, you guys. I loved him more than anything. I thought we were going to be each other’s forevers. As it turns out, he thought the worst of me. And I don’t know how to get past that. And now, he’s constantly in my life, and in yours, and I can’t walk away. Add that to the fact that I still don’t know what to think about losing my grandmother and not being able to say goodbye, and the idea that Nathan and I still have to talk… It’s so much. I need you guys. Help me figure this out. Please.”

  “You’re our sister,” Hazel said simply. “We’re always with you. And now, we’re going to help you figure out what to do.”

  The tears streamed harder, and I fell into my girls. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I whispered.

  Hazel let out a breath. “But you don’t need to figure it out right now. At this moment, you’re going to eat to soak up some of that wine, and then you’re going to tell us exactly what happened. Slowly. And in detail. And then we’ll decide if we have to kick Nate’s ass or not.”

  I laughed and held them each close, marveling at how lucky I was, even after making so many mistakes. But in the end, I knew it wouldn’t be their decisions that brought me to the next step. I needed to take that alone.

  But I had no idea where to begin.

  Chapter 9

  Nate

  * * *

  “Okay, are you going to tell us why you gathered us here today?” Cross asked as he picked up a chip and dipped it into the sour cream and onion dip that Arden had made.

  I rubbed my temples and nodded. “Yes, soon. I figured we should eat first.” I paused, my stomach turning. “Or maybe we should skip eating and I’ll just get this over with.”

  Prior walked into the dining room, ribs and wings on a platter in front of him before he set them down on the table next to the salads we had set out earlier. He gave me a curious look, and I shook my head, trying to collect my thoughts.

  I ran my hand over my face as Macon walked in, his phone in his grip. “Joshua is hanging with his friends tonight. He was texting me photos of a frog they found.” He showed off his phone, and Arden took it, grinning.

  My puppy, Daisy, Arden’s dog, Jasper, and the two puppies Macon had adopted were around our feet, trying to get food but well-behaved enough not to jump on the table to grab a bite for themselves. Only Jasper could reach easily, but Arden’s Husky was well-trained and doing his best to look regal and proper, showing the younger pups exactly how to act when it came to human food. I didn’t feed Daisy scraps, but she whined sometimes for treats. Hopefully, being around Jasper would help her not do that anymore.

  Arden sighed. “Aw, that boy is so cute.”

  “Yeah, he is,” Macon said, flashing her a dopey smile.

  If Myra and I had made it and hadn’t walked away from each other, would we have a child around Joshua’s age? I wondered why the thought of that didn’t fill me with trepidation. Instead, all I felt was a dull ache. Grief for what was lost and would never be found again.

  We had lost our chance. Hadn’t we? The fact that I didn’t have a concrete answer to that worried me. But before I could talk with Myra and find a way to grovel and tell her exactly how sorry I was, I had to open up to my family.

  And that was far easier said than done.

  Cross cleared his throat. “Okay, let’s get some food in us before Nate tells us why he gathered us here today.”

  I met Arden’s gaze, and her eyes widened.

  She knew exactly why we were here, even if I hadn’t told her ahead of time. I probably should have warned her, but I’d been so deep in my head, as well as focused on my deadline, that I had invited everybody over to Arden’s for dinner, and nobody had said a word about it. We all did that. Arden and Liam had the best house. Now that we were here, we would have our family meeting, and hopefully, they wouldn’t disown me by the end of it. Unfortunately, I’d been so focused on what to say, even if I had come up with nothing, that I hadn’t told Arden ahead of time.

  But now she knew. She must.

  Everybody ate ribs and salad and beans as I picked at my food, and Arden gave me a weird look.

  “Okay, you need to get on with it,” Prior said, setting his plate down as he looked over his shoulder. I followed his gaze to where the dogs were behind a gate, all looking innocent but clearly craving ribs.

  We were still working on training, and that meant even Jasper wasn’t allowed near us during mealtimes. I hated that we had to do it, but it was better for everybody. Soon, the puppies would be big enough, and we wouldn’t have to worry. But for now, they had to be separated. Even though all I wanted to do was feed them ribs and pretend that I hadn’t fucked up my life—numerous times.

  “Hey. Come on, talk to us,” Cross ordered.

  I set my uneaten plate on the table and put my hands over my face. “I fucked up.”

  “Normally, I’d ask if you got someone pregnant, but I don’t think you’ve been seeing anybody recently.” Cross paused. “Except for Myra.”

  My gaze shot to his. “Myra’s not pregnant,” I said quickly. She hadn’t been when we were together, either.

  “You need to tell them, Nate,” Arden said softly.

  Everyone’s gaze moved to her.

  “You know why we’re here?” Macon asked.

  “Yes, I do. And I know you’re probably going to yell at me but give us a moment.” Arden raised her chin. “Be kind and let him speak. We’ll deal with what happens next.”

  I sighed, knowing this wasn’t going to be easy.

  “What is she talking about?” Cross asked, looking at me.

  “Myra is my ex-wife…” I began again.

  Prior choked on his beer and then began laughing. “Really? That’s what you’re going with? Okay. Whatever you say.”

  Macon blinked at me before shaking his head. “Did you lose all your money gambling or something? Is it the concussion? Because it’s not that.”

  Cross looked between Arden and me and then let out a curse under his breath. “I think you’re going to need to explain. Slowly.”

  I looked up at my big brother and nodded. My other brothers quieted, their eyes now comically wide.

  “Jesus Christ, you’re serious,” Prior said.

  “When did you have time to get married to Myra? And how the hell did you already get a divorce? And how didn’t we know? It’s not like we’ve known her for long.”

  I sighed at Macon’s words but then began. “Myra went to my college for a little bit. We met then and fell in love. We got married over spring break.” I explained about the coffee and our relationship and how we planned to tell everyone when we got back but wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit.

  In retrospect, it was idiotic. And we were fooling ourselves thinking that we could ever make it work without talking to our families. But we had been young, stupid, and had liked the secret at the time.

  “And you knew?” Prior asked, turning towards Arden. She nodded.

  “He’s my twin. Of course, I knew.” She paused. “And I caught Myra with her engagement ring.”

  “Holy shit,” Macon whispered.

  “But that’s not even the worst part,” I added.

  “The fact that you got married and divorced without telling us isn’t the worst part? You’re going to need to explain,” Cross said.

  “I fucked up.”

  “Did you cheat on her?” Macon growled.

  I shook my head. “Maybe it would have been easier if I had.”

  The others cursed, and I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back the pain and the anger. All the things that had been whirling inside me for years.

  “You never told me why,” Arden said. “You only said it didn’t work out, and then you pushed me away. You finished school, and then the accident happened, and I did my best to ignore it all. But you need to tell us more
. Please, Nate. Talk to us.”

  I nodded at my twin’s words and told them about Myra’s parents, and the pictures, and the fact that I had pushed her away. I told them how I now knew I had been wrong—oh so fucking wrong. And, throughout the story, they all stayed silent.

  I was grateful for that.

  I started to pace, as did Prior. Macon sat stoically, as did Cross. Arden wiped a tear from her face, and I hated that she felt bad about any of it.

  “I should have told you. Long before this. But it hurt so fucking much. I felt as if I had tried to make my first adult decision and messed up to the point where I couldn’t even trust myself. I was hurt, angry, and I pushed everyone away because of it. And then, like Arden said, by the time I came out of my stupor, the accident happened, and we had a whole other slew of things to worry about.”

  “We always have things when it comes to us,” Cross said but held up his hand when I tried to explain. “But, honestly, I don’t blame you for not telling us.” I blinked at him, surprised.

  “You don’t?” Prior asked.

  “No. We have all had our heads up our asses at one time or another. You know he would have told us eventually if things had worked out. But they didn’t. And, yes, you fucked up. I don’t know how I feel about the idea that you had this whole secret that you kept from us. But how were you supposed to bring it up?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not doing a very decent job of it now.”

  “You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for,” Macon said softly. “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d found out the person I loved cheated on me. I can see why you wanted to hide it. But now that you know it was a lie, what are you going to do about it?” Macon asked.

  “That’s my question, too,” Arden added. “Myra’s in our lives, Nate. She’s always going to be there. And you’re our brother. You’re not going anywhere. So, what are you going to do?” she asked.

  “I have no idea. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”