From Our First: A Promise Me Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “And you’re not the girl I married.” I paused. “And that’s good. We grew apart, yes. But we’re different people now. And given that we know the truth, and everybody knows about our past, I think we should find a way to live with that.”

  “That’s what I was thinking,” she agreed. “We need to start over. Have a clean slate where we don’t antagonize one another when we’re in the same room. We’ll figure out exactly who we are to each other within the boundaries we’ve already set in terms of our friendship. We can’t take back what was done, but maybe we can move forward, maturely and responsibly.”

  I studied her face and knew she had rehearsed those words.

  And thank God for it because I had no idea what to say. “Mature and responsible.”

  “Since we are older, we should try that.”

  I swallowed hard. “I can do that. I don’t want to be the angry person I was becoming around you. And I don’t want to lament our mistakes. Plus, I don’t want you to leave my life. Even when we hated each other, I liked having you there. Even as it was bad for me.”

  “That’s the most twisted thing you’ve ever said,” she said on a laugh. “But the weird thing is, I agree.”

  “I’m going to spend the time that we have, making up for what happened,” I added.

  She shook her head. “You don’t have to, Nathan.”

  I moved forward and touched her face. Her lips parted, and all I wanted to do was lean down and kiss her. But I didn’t.

  “I have to. Even if it’s selfish of me, I need to make it up to you.”

  “I don’t know if that makes sense.”

  I shook my head. “Nothing about this makes sense. But we’re going to move forward and start fresh. And that means I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not remember every horrible thing I did.”

  “We’ll figure out who we are and what we are together. And we won’t hate each other anymore.”

  I didn’t move closer to press my lips to hers, to taste her, so I pulled away and put my hands into my pockets.

  “We’ll start over.”

  She held out her hand, and I laughed before sliding my hand into hers.

  A handshake to start a friendship.

  And yet I knew that wasn’t truly the case. Because we had done far more than hold hands or shake. Eventually, we would have to talk about that. But first, I would hold her hand. The rest would have to come along the way.

  Chapter 12

  Myra

  * * *

  “We are here today to discuss a matter of great importance.”

  Dakota snickered at my side, and I glared at her before doing the same to Paris.

  “Are you giving a sermon now?” I asked, adopting my most haughty tone.

  “Only for you, darling.” Paris winked.

  “If you’re done making fun of her,” Dakota began, “we have a few things to go over.”

  “Mainly, let’s talk about you and Nate.” Hazel gave me a pointed look, and I sighed, knowing they had all come over to my place for a reason. Not because of the pact, or because of a promise, but because of what was inherent in who we were.

  “There’s so much to talk about. I don’t even know where to begin, so I’d rather not say anything at all,” I said after a moment, my words tumbling out one after the other.

  “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” Hazel reached out to grab my hand. “We love you. And I’m not going to speak for everyone, but I will say that I forgive you for what you withheld. We’ve all had our secrets, and I understand.”

  “Same here,” Dakota said.

  “I mean, I will be bitter, but that’s only because I need something in your con column for when I’m trying to get out of things when I screw up,” Paris said, her face carefully neutral before she cracked up.

  I shook my head, relief spreading through me much faster than I thought possible. I hadn’t expected them to forgive me. Sure, they might’ve said something along those lines, but they were also shocked about what had happened. Now, they’d had a couple of days to contemplate what I had told them fully, and I felt like these were their honest reactions.

  I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

  And because of that, I didn’t allow myself to do it. I only cried when I couldn’t hold back. And I had spent years not being a person who shed tears at the drop of a hat. I kept doing it lately, and I wasn’t happy about it.

  “You asked us over here, and I assume it’s not so you can apologize again,” Paris said.

  “I could if you need me to,” I said honestly.

  “You don’t.”

  I looked at Hazel, the woman I had known the longest, who I was the closest to, and I wanted to wrap my arms around her and never let go.

  “Okay, since I last spoke to you, there have been...developments.”

  All of them leaned forward, and I swallowed hard, wishing I had wine in my hand. But I also knew I needed to do this sober, and not rely on anything but my determination.

  “What kind of developments?” Dakota asked.

  “The juicy kind?” Paris asked, and I cringed.

  “Wow, that brought up visuals I don’t even want to imagine,” Hazel said, and we all laughed, the tension sliding away ever so slightly.

  “Just say it in one quick burst.” Dakota met my gaze, and I let out a breath.

  “Nate and I slept together.”

  “You’re serious?” Hazel asked.

  “Wow,” Dakota mouthed.

  “You mean since the divorce?” Paris asked, straight to the point as always.

  “As in right after I told you guys.” I clarified.

  Hazel blinked.

  “We had sex. Against a wall. And we were still wearing our clothes.” I let out a groan and put my hands over my face, hunching over my knees.

  The girls were silent for a moment before they all started speaking at once. I only caught a few words, something about wow and oh my God, and a question: how was it?

  I snorted and shook my head. “I don’t want to get into the particulars.”

  “You’re welcome to get into the particulars.” Paris winked. “So, let me get this straight, you guys fight constantly, you finally tell us that you guys were married and got divorced in short order, and then you slept together?”

  I nodded, swallowing hard. “That about sums it up.”

  “What does it mean?” Dakota asked.

  “It means nothing, other than the fact that I wanted to be clear with all of you that it has to mean nothing. Nate and I shook on it. We’re friends.”

  Paris snorted.

  “Oh, so that’s what they’re calling it these days?” Hazel asked, her voice sly.

  “Stop it.” I could feel my cheeks heating up as I blushed, and I shook my head. “It was an accident.”

  “So, he just fell into you over and over again?” Paris asked, her voice dry.

  “Now there’s an image,” Dakota said.

  “Anyway,” I cut in as they all started laughing with one another, “it was fun, it cut the tension, and we’re never doing it again. We had a handshake after we talked about it the next morning and we both said we wouldn’t do it again. We’re friends, and we’ll make this work.”

  “You’re going to make being friends work…”

  I nodded at Hazel. “We have to. We’ve already gone through so much because of how young we were and my parents being who they are. It’s too much to get over. But we can try to be friends. Because we’re all so connected, and I don’t want to interfere with that.”

  “And what about your heart?” Dakota asked softly.

  “What of it? There was no heart involved in what Nate and I did.”

  I knew those words were a lie, but I wasn’t going to let myself call them anything but the truth.

  The girls nodded at me and swallowed hard.

  “Okay,” Hazel added, her voice low. “I’m glad you told us. Now, there are no more awkward secrets, though I am
going to have to try and imagine exactly how you had sex with all of your clothes on against a wall.”

  Paris grinned like a cat with a canary. “Oh, there are ways.”

  I cringed. “Please, stop. I have to face Prior at our next meal, and I don’t need to picture that.”

  “Oh, and we have to picture Nate?” Dakota asked.

  I groaned into my hands again. “See? This is why Nate and I shouldn’t do that again. We need to find a way to be friends. Having sex changes everything.”

  “It does,” Hazel added. “And I totally understand. If you guys can find some peace, then I’m all for it. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and reached out and gripped her hand. The others were near me, and I leaned into them, my circle, my pact sisters.

  “I love you guys. And I’m glad that everything’s out in the open. But I’m never going to be with Nate. Not again. That ship sailed, sank, and was lost at sea. There’s no extra rowboat out there for me.”

  “You have completely killed that metaphor,” Paris joked.

  “Perhaps. But I wanted to make sure you understood. I’m never going to be with Nate. And I think I’m finally okay with that.”

  The girls gave each other a look, but thankfully they didn’t say anything. Instead, I leaned into my sisters and told myself that I hadn’t just lied.

  Nate

  * * *

  “You did what?” Arden asked, and I took another sip of my beer, swallowing hard.

  “I had sex with Myra.”

  “Recently?” my sister asked again, her voice going high-pitched.

  “Hey, I think you’re going to hurt Jasper’s ears if you keep screeching like that.”

  “Jasper’s fine,” she said while running her hand over her dog’s head.

  “Fine, then Daisy’s ears.”

  My puppy sat at my feet and looked at me adoringly.

  “Stop changing the subject. You slept with Myra?”

  I sighed, set down my beer, and then picked up Daisy so she could lick at my chin. “Yes. Just the once. It’s never going to happen again. We shook on it.”

  Arden blinked at me. “Is that a phrase I don’t know about? Is shaking a new thing that the kids do these days?”

  “We’re twins, dork. Why would I know what the kids do these days and not you? And stop being weird.”

  “You’re the one being weird. You had sex with your ex-wife, and you’re just casually bringing it up in conversation? Do the brothers know?”

  I shook my head and scratched under Daisy’s chin. “No. I’ll let them know later. Only because Myra is telling her girls, and we don’t want any more secrets. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. We’re moving on as friends now that we have a new idea of what the truth is, and we don’t have to worry about hurting each other again.”

  “That’s a load of crap,” Arden said.

  “What?” I asked, confused as I set Daisy down so she could play with Jasper.

  “You can’t say that you’re just going to be friends after you slept together. You guys have a tangled history. Even if you hadn’t made a truce to walk away, someone’s going to get hurt. They always do.”

  I shook my head. “No, we’re going to be careful.”

  “So careful that you slept with her?” Arden asked, and I sighed.

  “It’s fine, Arden.”

  “Now you’re lying to yourself and me.”

  “So what if I am?” I asked, exhausted. “I need everything to be fine. I know it’s cliché to say we didn’t mean for it to turn out as it did, but it’s true. We just fell into each other. I didn’t mean to sleep with her; it just happened. And it’s never going to happen again.”

  Arden stared at me for a long moment, and I sighed. It looked as if she was going to yell at me before she closed her eyes and let out a slow breath.

  “I love you. You’re my twin and a part of my soul. But I don’t want you to get hurt. This situation is complicated. Everything about it is.”

  I reached for my beer and took another swig so I could get my thoughts in order. “I know. I know it’s complicated, and I know that neither of us actually has a handle on what we fucking want in our lives. But we do know that if we don’t get it together, we’ll end up hurting each other. We’ll hurt our friends and family. And I don’t want that. I don’t want somebody to get hurt because I’m an idiot.”

  My sister looked at me, dark circles under her eyes, her body so frail. She’d had another flare recently, and it was taking its toll on her. But she was here. Making decisions and being a positive force in the world.

  And if she could do that, then so could I.

  “I love you, baby brother.”

  “And I love you, baby sister.”

  “I like Myra, Nate. I did before, as well. I honestly never thought she could do what her parents accused her of. It was so out of character for her.”

  I winced and took another sip of my beer. “It was. That’s why it broke me.”

  “And I know you well enough to realize it must have taken something genuine for you to believe that she could have done something like that.”

  “I should’ve kept the pictures to show her, and we could have gotten over it. But I think the damage was already done by then.”

  “You didn’t want to keep pictures of the woman you loved having sex with someone else,” she said bitterly.

  “True, but I still handled everything poorly.”

  “So, have you groveled enough yet?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “Not nearly enough.”

  “And that’s the right answer. You’re never going to be with her again?” she asked, her gaze on mine.

  “I don’t think I can. I think we’re past that. We missed our window. We made so many mistakes. We don’t get a second or a fourth chance.”

  “But the first time you guys finally had some barriers knocked down, you went for each other. You had hope, even in those most precious of moments. Are you sure you can walk away from that?”

  I set my beer down again and looked at the dogs curled up in a ball, already napping on the kitchen floor. “I don’t know if I have a choice, Arden. I don’t know what I feel anymore. It’s all tangled up in a mess that’s ugly and complicated.”

  “Sometimes, love is ugly and complicated. It’s what you get out of it that makes it’s true purpose.”

  “But it’s not just me. I hurt her so much, Arden. I don’t think I deserve her.”

  “The first thing you need to do is find out if you want to be a man who deserves her. And then you have to find a way to be him.”

  “And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it?” I asked, letting out a breath.

  “Figure it out. I know you can do it. I love you, Nate. I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

  “And I don’t want to be the one that causes pain.”

  And that was my problem. And something I still didn’t have a solution for.

  Chapter 13

  Myra

  * * *

  It had been a week since my reality had shifted once more, and I still didn’t have my feet on the ground. A week since my parents were on my doorstep, along with my cousin, lies on their tongues, and the truth buried under miles of deceit. I felt like I was still trying to come up for air, the world suffocating me. But I could find my way. I had to. That didn’t make what I had to do today any easier, though.

  The girls had offered to come with me. Even Dakota had said she would hand the reins to her cafe over to one of her staff members so she could be by my side. But I had told them I could do this on my own—that I needed to.

  I wasn’t sure that any of them believed me. I wasn’t sure I believed myself.

  However, I did not have a choice. I needed to walk through the doors in front of me and face my reality.

  My grandmother was dead. And I hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye, nor had I been able to grieve. And now I had to deal with the death, the p
aperwork of that, and the stench of bureaucracy so I could face the future. I wasn’t comfortable with what I had to do, but I had told my family I would be here, and that meant I was. I would fulfill my promises, unlike anything they had ever done for me.

  I knew I needed to stop thinking so negatively; it wasn’t good for my health. But that didn’t make this any easier. I took a deep breath and stepped to the doors, the automatic glass sliding out of my way as I did.

  A young, blond woman with her hair neatly shorn sat at the front desk, a pleasant smile on her face.

  “Hello, how may I help you?”

  “My name is Myra West. I’m here to see Mr. Ongard.”

  “Ah, yes. He’s waiting for you and the rest of your party in his office.”

  I frowned and looked down at my watch. “I wasn’t aware that I was late. Sorry.”

  “No, you’re early, the others were just a little earlier than you.” I saw the strain in her eyes at the mention of the others—namely my parents and whatever cousins were around—and I hoped that they hadn’t made this morning too hard on her already. I knew it was difficult enough as it was.

  “If you’ll show me where to go…?” I asked her.

  “Oh, of course. Right this way.”

  I followed the woman down the hall, trying to keep my breath steady. As soon as I took my first step, I knew this was real. My grandmother would no longer call me. I wouldn’t see her again. She wouldn’t finally move out to Colorado to stay with me for the rest of her retirement. When my grandfather died, I had lost a part of myself. But I knew Grandma had lost more of herself. Regardless, she had survived a decade without him.

  And now, I needed to survive without her.

  “Here you are, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  I nodded at her and made my way through the door, my head held high. I would be the icy queen today. Not only to protect my heart from what was to come but also as armor against the people I did not want to see.

  “It’s about time you got here,” Roland said, looking down at his phone.