The Artemis Fowl Files
Page 5
DWARFS
Distinguishing features:
Short, round, and hairy
Large tombstone teeth—good for grinding...well, anything really
Unhingable jaws enabling them to excavate tunnels
Sensitive beard hair
Skin capable of acting likesuction cups when dehydrated
Smelly
Character:
Sensitive
Intelligent
Criminal tendencies
Loves:
Gold and precious gems
Tunneling
The dark
Situations to avoid:
Being in a confined space with them when they have been tunneling and have a buildup of trapped air. If they reach for the bum flap on their trousers, get out of there....
TROLLS
Distinguishing features:
Huge—as big as an elephant
Light-sensitive eyes
Hate noise
Hairy, with dreadlocks
Retractable claws
Teeth!—lots and lots of teeth
Tusks like a wild boar (a really wild boar)
Green tongue
Exceptionally strong
Weak point at the base of the skull
Character:
Very, very stupid—trolls have tiny brains
Mean and bad-tempered
Loves:
Eating—anything. A couple of cows would make alight snack
Situations to avoid:
Are you joking? If you even think a troll is near, run like the wind.
GOBLINS
Distinguishing features:
Scaly
Lidless eyes—they lick their eyeballs to keep them moist
Able to throw fireballs
They go on all fours when speed is important
Forked tongue
Less than three feet tall
Slimy, fireproof skin
Character:
Not clever, but cunning
Argumentative
Ambitious
Power-hungry
Loves:
Fire
A good argument
Power
Situations to avoid:
Don’t get in the wayif they’re throwing a fireball.
CENTAURS
Distinguishing features:
Half man, half pony
Hairy—obviously!
Hooves can get very dry
Character:
Extremely intelligent
Vain
Paranoid
Kind
Computer geek
Loves:
Showing off
Inventing
Situations to avoid:
They aren’t verydangerous physically, but they will sulk if you criticizetheir latest invention, mess with their hard drive, or borrowtheir hoof moisturizer.
SPRITES
Distinguishing features:
About three feet tall
Pointy ears
Green skin
Wings
Character:
Average intelligence
Generally happy-go-lucky attitude
Loves:
Flying—more than anything else under or above the earth
Situations to avoid:
Watch out for low-flying sprites—they don’t always look where they’re going.
PIXIES
Distinguishing features:
About three feet tall
Pointy ears
Apart from their ears and their height, pixies look almost human
Character:
Extremely intelligent
No morals
Cunning
Ambitious
Greedy
Loves:
Power and money
Chocolate
Situations to avoid:
Never get on the wrong side of a pixie, especially one as clever and ruthless as Opal Koboi, unless you are as brilliant as Artemis Fowl, of course.
If you weren’t a criminal mastermind, what would you most like to do?
I think there is a lot of work to be done in the field of psychology. If I did not have my criminal plots to occupy my time, I think I would devote my energies to putting right some of the mistakes made by misters Freud and Jung.
What do you really think of Captain Holly Short?
I have immense respect for Captain Short and I often wish she would come over to my side, as it were. But I know she never will. She has too many principles. And if she ever lost those principles, perhaps I would lose my respect for her, too.
You have traveled a great deal. Where is your favorite place in the world, and why?
My favorite place in the world is Ireland. As the fairy People say, it is the most magical place. Its landscapes are the most inspirational in the world. And the people are witty and genuine, though we do have a dark side.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
I once scored a mere ninety-nine percent on a mathematics assignment. I was mortified. I had forgotten to round up the third decimal place. Imagine my embarrassment.
What is your favorite book?
My favorite book this week is The Lord of the Flies by William Golding. It is a fascinating psychological study of a group of boys stranded on an island. I can’t help thinking that if I had been on that island, I would be running the place in a week.
What is your favorite song?
I rarely listen to popular music, with the exception of David Bowie, who is quite a chameleon. One never knows quite what to expect. I think Bowie is a fascinating individual and I am thinking of approaching him with a scheme of mine for rediscovering a lost Mozart opera, which, of course, I have written. My favorite song of Mister Bowie’s is “It’s No Game, Part 2,” from the Scary Monsters CD.
What keeps you awake at night?
My plans. They run around my head at night, keeping me awake. There is one more thing that keeps me awake. Sometimes I feel bad about the things I have done. If this feeling of guilt strikes, I do a quick online check of my bank balance, and it soon goes away.
What is your most treasured possession?
My most treasured possession is a cache of LEP equipment that Butler confiscated from a fairy Retrieval team. There are a thousand inventions in there that have never been seen by humans. These will be my retirement fund.
Who is your best friend?
I believe that we agreed that this question would not be asked. If my enemies discovered who my best friend is, they could get to me through him or her. Let me just say that my best friend is never far away and has been with me since the day of my birth.
Do you mind being the only female elf in the LEPrecon Unit?
Some days it’s a pain. It would be nice to have a female colleague to talk to at the end of a long shift. In the beginning some of the male officers used to give me a hard time. Now they’re too busy chasing my flight records to insult me.
What was your proudest moment?
My proudest moment was when we shut down the goblin revolution. If those scaly gangsters had managed to take over Police Plaza, our entire culture would have been destroyed.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
I got bitten in the behind by a swear toad once. We were sweeping a tunnel for a rogue troll and the little guy just popped out of ahole and took a chunk out of me. It was a small chunk, but the venom caused a lot of swelling. I will never live that day down. I just hope Artemis Fowl doesn’t find out about it.
You often get into trouble with Commander Root for not following the rules. Did you use to get into trouble at school for not following the rules, too?
My father always taught me to do what’s right, no matter what the cost. And that’s what I do. Rules are important, but the right thing is more important. Sometimes that got me in trouble at school. I can never keep my mouth shut if I see someone being bullied or punished unjustly. It’s just the way I am.
&n
bsp; What was your favorite subject at school?
I loved virtual school. You get to put on a V-Helmet and travel through history. Those helmets are amazing—they even have special air filters so you can smell the period you are studying.
What do you really think of Artemis Fowl?
I’m of two minds about Artemis. Half of me wants to hug him and the other half wants to throw him in a cell for a few months to teach him a lesson. For all his brains, Artemis does not understand the consequences of his schemes. Every time he sets off on an adventure, someone seems to get hurt. And Butler is not always going to be around to save him. And I’m not always going to be around to save Butler.
What are your hobbies?
I read a lot. Mostly the classics—Horri Antowitz is a good author, and Burger Melviss. I like a good thriller. I also like crunchball and I play in the police league. I’m the second dunker, which can really take it out of a girl.
What is your most treasured possession?
I still have the Recon acorns given to me by Commander Root himself. No matter how many medals and promotions I earn, the first acorns are still the best.
What keeps you awake at night?
Some nights I lie awake and think about what the humans are doing to the planet. And I wonder how long it will be before they find out about us. Some nights, if I’m feeling a bit paranoid, then I swear I can hear human crafts over my head. Digging. Burrowing.
Who is your best friend?
Tough one. I’m going to have to go for two: Foaly and Captain Trouble Kelp. They have both saved my life more than once. And they stuck by me in the bad times, when everyone else had written me off as a failure.
What are your three top tips for being a successful bodyguard?
Train hard: there is no substitute for knowledge. Listen to your sensei: they have the experience that you need. Be prepared to sacrifice everything for the job.
You are very close to your younger sister, Juliet. Were you pleased that she wanted to follow in your footsteps, and do you think she will make a good bodyguard?
I was hoping that Juliet would pick another profession. Juliet has too much life in her to smother inside a bodyguard’s uniform. I think that my little sister may still decide to pick a less dangerous profession, like wrestling.
What is your most treasured possession?
My most treasured possession is etched into my skin. It is a blue diamond tattoo from Madam Ko’s Bodyguard Academy. I was the youngest-ever graduate of the academy and this tattoo gives me access to circles most people don’t even know exist. It’s like carrying a resumé on your arm.
What is your favorite book?
I don’t have much time to read. Artemis’s schemes keep me on my toes. Mostly I read helicopter manuals and keep an eye on weather reports and current affairs. If I do have a moment to myself, I do enjoy a good romance story. If you tell a soul, I will hunt you down.
What is your happiest childhood memory, and why?
I still treasure the days that I spent as a teenager teaching my babysister how to do spinning kicks in her sandbox.
What is your favorite song?
I like the Irish band U2 . Their song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” could have been written for Master Artemis.
What is your favorite film?
I don’t like shoot-’em-ups; they remind me too much of real life. I like a good romantic comedy. It takes my mind off the stress of my job. My all-time favorite is Some Like It Hot.
Where is your favorite place in the world, and why?
My favorite place in the world is by Master Artemis’s side, wherever that might be. One thing I know for sure is that wherever we are, it will not be boring.
Bodyguards have to be very brave. What scares you?
All bodyguards have the same fear: we fear failure. If something were to happen to Artemis, and I could have prevented it, that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Do you ever regret taking up a life of crime?
I don’t think of it as crime. I think of it as redistribution of wealth. I am only taking back from the humans what they stole from us in the first place. So, no, I don’t regret my criminal past, just getting caught. Anyway, I’m going straight from now on. Honest.
All dwarfs are particularly prone to wind, which could be embarrassing for a Mud Man. What was your most embarrassing moment?
Dwarfs are prone to attacks of wind, which is not embarrassing as such, as it is only natural. However, in my chosen profession, loud bursts of wind can be a bit of a set back. I was almost through to the main hall in the Louvre once when a particularly violent blast set off the motion sensors. They were laughing about that for years in the Atlantis Correctional Facility.
What makes you the happiest?
Dwarfs are never happier than when they are tunneling. As soon as we take that first mouthful of soil, we feel at home and safe. In truth, I think that dwarfs as a species are closer to moles than humans.
What was your proudest moment?
I was very proud of the time when I single-handedly saved Artemis and Holly from certain death at the Eleven Wonders Exhibition in the Lower Elements—but I can’t tell you too much about that yet, as I gather the adventure has yet to be released on the surface.
You’ve got into many scrapes during your adventures with Artemis Fowl. What was your scariest moment?
I must admit to being petrified that time below Fowl Manor when I had just dived into my tunnel and Butler caught me by the ankles. Believe me, an enraged Butler is the last person you want dragging you anywhere. Obviously this happened before we became friends.
What do you really think of Artemis Fowl and Butler?
I like the Irish kid. I really do. We have the same interest: gold. We have worked together on the Fei Fei project, and I can see a long future of cooperation.
Captain Holly Short, Commander Julius Root, or Foaly: who do you like the most and why?
Not Julius, that’s for certain. I respect him , yes, but like? I don’t think anyone really likes Julius, except his officers—they would all die for him. Heaven knows why. I would have to say that Holly is my favorite. She has saved my hairy rear on a couple of occasions, but it’s not just that. Holly is that rarest of creatures—a loyal friend. And you don’t come across many of those.
What advice would you give a young dwarf?
Firstly, always chew your rocks before swallowing. They pass through easier that way, and your teeth need the roughage. And secondly, never eat the same dirt twice if you can avoid it.
What is your favorite place above or below the earth, and why?
There is a field in county Kerry in Ireland, where the soil is pure and chemical-free. I like to dig myself a little hole about twenty feet down and listen to the sea crash against the rocks two fields over.
Which invention are you proudest of?
It’s hard to pick just one invention—I have registered more patents than any other fairy in history. If I had to pick one, I would say the time-stop towers: a set of five portable towers that allow the LEP to store the time-stopping abilities of several warlocks in battery form, then generate their own time-stop wherever they need to. Ingenious, if I do say so myself. These little towers have got us out of more than one scrape, including the siege of Fowl Manor.
Who or what inspires you?
I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself. But other than myself, my main inspiration is the pixie Opal Koboi. Opal is criminally insane, but she has a fine grasp of engineering and economics. Her Doubledex wing design revolutionized solo flight, and every time she has made an advance I was spurred on to better it.
What are your top three tips to becoming an inventor?
Invent things that people actually want. Keep your thoughts to yourself until you are ready to patent your invention, and always wear a foil hat to deflect brain-probing rays. Those rays have not been invented yet, but you never know
.
What are your hobbies?
When I am not in the lab, I like to read articles about me or to watch video footage of my speeches from scientific conventions. I have lately taken up line dancing.
What is your favorite memory?
I remember the exact moment when my quick thinking put an end to the goblin revolution. If it hadn’tbeen for me, everyone in Police Plaza would shed their skin twice a year. But was I given a medal? Was there a statue erected in the square? No. There’s gratitude for you.
What was your favorite subject at school, besides science?
I always fancied myself as a bit of an artist. I abandoned this dream when my art teacher told me that my landscapes were flatter than an ironed sheet of rice paper. This, I presume, is not a good thing. I was crushed and never picked up a brush again.
What keeps you awake at night?
My ideas keep me awake, and the thought that someone else will patent them before I can. I keep a computer fired up beside my bed in case something comes to me in the half-conscious between waking and sleeping.
Most treasured possession?
I own a collection of foil hats. One for every occasion. I have discovered an artisan, who decorates my hats with clever designs. Last week I noticed two other technicians wearing foi hats. I think I may have started a trend.
Which Mud Man do you most admire?
I admire the Sicilian environmentalist Giovanni Zito. He is one of the few humans who is actually trying to make the world a better place. If the rest of the world adopted his solar wind-farm technology, emissions would be down by seventy percent in ten years. If only Zito had Artemis Fowl’s brains.
Who is your best friend?
My best friend under this Earth is the elf Holly Short. Weare both work aholics and so do not see as much of each other as we would like, but some how she always makes time for me, especially when work is getting me down. Whenever I am close to smashing a computer in frustration, I look up and see Holly at my elbow waving a carrot. A special elf.