When In Rome...Find Yourself: A Sweet New Adult Romance

by Lena Mae Hill

  A lot longer than the two years it had been so far. She wasn’t supposed to feel like this again until after college, maybe after grad school, if she got in. But she didn’t know how to stop it once it had begun. Like a runaway train, it had gathered momentum, and now it was moving so fast she didn’t know how to jump off, didn’t know if she could. Maybe that would crush her worse than the inevitable wreck that came at the end of the exhilarating, excruciating ride.

  For the rest of the evening, she remained a cool, safe distance from Ned. At the end of the night, she said she was tired and hurried to her room without meeting his eye. She Skyped with Quinn, who was having a hard time seeing her ex on vacation. Talking to her sister always made Rory feel grounded and real again, as if she’d been holding her breath without realizing it and could finally let it out, could really be herself for a few moments. Was this how real friendships felt? Or just family?

  CHAPTER thirteen

  For the next few days, Rory managed to avoid Ned almost entirely. She took pictures, and talked to Maggie in class about going to see the Love Locks Bridge. Her new focus was on the girls, finding a place with them. With Patty, it had always been something else, even before she realized it. She had been Patty’s pet project—not a pity project exactly, because Patty was genuinely interested in her. But the reasons were selfish and twisted, like everything else about Patty. She loved bizarre, misfit things, Rory included. It was more like she was studying her latest thrift store find or a mangled stray kitten rather than a person. Once the fascination wore off, she rarely had time for Rory.

  Rory couldn’t help but wonder, on Friday when she met Maggie, if she was only hanging out with her for the novelty factor, too. But it was probably because Kristina was busy with her boyfriend.

  Oh well. Rory had to start somewhere. Cynthia and Nick joined them at the last minute, but Rory didn’t invite Ned. That would have been way too embarrassing, even if she wasn’t in full-on avoidance mode. It was a place for lovers to go, not hippie housemates. She managed to sneak out without seeing him, but she spent most of the evening thinking about him, missing him.

  The next day, they went on a class trip to see the Colosseum. Afterwards, the girls and Nick wanted to walk around the area. Rory tagged along, painfully aware that she was an extra, the fifth wheel, the outcast trying to sneak in on the fringes of a group that was already complete.

  “Let’s find one of those cute little cafés and eat outside,” Cynthia said, stuffing a piece of pink gum into her mouth. “I’m starving.”

  The day was scorching hot, and Rory was already sweating profusely under her sun hat. She’d worn sunscreen, but she was pretty sure the searing sun was burning her skin right through it. But she couldn’t tell them to eat inside, because then they’d notice she was there and tell her to get lost.

  After a few minute of walking, Kristina saw a Chinese place and screamed, rushing to the door ahead of everyone else. “We have to eat here! I haven’t had Chinese in over a week. I’m dying here.”

  Rory was relieved at first, since the restaurant did not feature outdoor seating. But when they walked inside, the place smelled like low tide.

  “I’m not so sure about this,” she said, taking off her hat to fan herself.

  “What’s not to be sure about?” Kristina said, peering down her nose at Rory. “It’s Chinese.”

  “It smells…damp.”

  Kristina rolled her eyes. “You’re worse than Maggie.”

  “It does smell weird,” Maggie said. “What if we get food poisoning?”

  “They have free healthcare here,” Kristina said, turning to the approaching hostess. “Table for five, I guess.” She gave Rory a look that clearly said she was not happy to have an overly anxious nerd attaching herself, barnacle-like, to Kristina’s fun group, and that she didn’t know how Rory had gotten there in the first place, or what she was doing there besides trying to ruin said fun.

  They sat down and looked over the menu. Rory checked Maggie’s comfort level, since Maggie was a worrier, too. She tended to worry about different things than Rory, but if she was okay eating there, then Rory didn’t want to be the lame one who couldn’t handle stinky fish. If Maggie said something, she’d take her side, though. She bit at a fingernail, watching Maggie agonize over her menu. Was she really going to eat here, without making a fuss?

  “This looks sketch,” Cynthia said, folding her gum into one of the thin napkins the hostess had brought. “But hey, maybe I’ll be surprised.”

  “I don’t know,” Rory ventured. “I’ve had fresh seafood, and this doesn’t smell like it.”

  “You’ve had fresh seafood?” Kristina asked. “Where, at Red Lobster?”

  “No,” Rory said, her face burning. She knew from the day they’d gone shopping that Kristina had money. And it wasn’t like Rory’s family was rich. But still. Was it so hard to believe that she could have gone to the beach on vacation? Patty had always assured her that her thrift store finds were cool. Vintage, shabby chic, hipster vogue. Now she wondered if she really just looked poor.

  “Well, you don’t have to eat here,” Kristina said. “No one’s forcing you to be here. Go get a pizza if you want. Isn’t that what y’all always get?”

  Rory could only assume she meant her and Ned. She didn’t say anything, but when the waitress came, she ordered a bowl of soup, hoping that the boiling would have killed whatever bacteria was stinking up the place so badly.

  The soup was awful. She sipped at the watery, greasy broth now and then so it wouldn’t be obvious that she wasn’t really eating. The pieces of fish were too suspicious to consume, but she ate some of the other objects, which she had to assume were vegetables.

  When they left, she could already feel her stomach roiling. What if she couldn’t make it home before she had a blowout? Her stomach was always sensitive. She and Quinn could eat the exact same thing, and her stomach would be violently ill while Quinn didn’t have so much as a gurgle. If she ate too much popcorn at the movies, she’d feel sick. If she ate too much candy, she’d feel sick. She knew better than to eat questionable fish soup. But she’d been too intent on proving her point to Kristina, on being one of them. If she had to run into a bathroom every five minutes, she would hardly impress Kristina.

  But if she went home, and she had to use the bathroom there, Ned might have to use it afterwards. That would be even worse. She held her stomach and prayed she’d make it somewhere safe before the soup made it through her.

  “It’s too hot to walk around today,” Cynthia complained as they walked along yet another street.

  “Yeah, I think I’m getting burned,” Maggie said, poking at her bare shoulder with a finger. It left a white print on her flushed skin.

  “I have cramps,” Cynthia moaned. “I just want to go home and lie down.”

  Rory gaped at her, shocked that she’d just announce that in front of her friends—including a boy! Even if she wasn’t dating Nick, she couldn’t just talk about her period in front of him. Rory couldn’t imagine blurting that out to her own mother, or even Quinn. She might whisper to her if she needed to borrow a pad, but otherwise, they never talked about those kinds of things.

  Maybe the problem hadn’t been Patty. Maybe it had been her. Maybe she just didn’t know how to be a friend, or a girl, or a sister. After all, who found solace in her little sister’s broken heart?

  “Want to come over?” Maggie asked Rory. “We can hang out a while, maybe look at our pictures and study our notes.”

  “Wow, that sounds thrilling,” Kristina said, but she followed them to the tram stop. Rory wasn’t sure which would be worse, to take over the bathroom at home or at Maggie’s. But she figured at least they were all girls. Like her, Maggie and Kristina had a house mother only. Unlike her, they didn’t have a guy in their house.

  When they got off the tram, Rory ran to the bathroom in the station, thanking God that it wasn’t one of the platform stops without a building or a bathroom. She emerged a few
minutes later to find Maggie and Kristina both on their phones. Maggie put hers into her bag when Rory approached, and they left the station, Kristina walking while she browsed on her phone.

  “Are you sure this is okay?” Rory whispered to Maggie. “I don’t think Kristina’s very happy to have me coming over.”

  “Oh, who cares?” Maggie said. “She’s being rude.”

  “I don’t want to get in the middle of something.”

  “You’re not,” Maggie assured her. “And I can have guests over, too.”

  They walked for a minute in silence. Rory wasn’t sure what to say. She wanted to be in their circle, but not if it cost Maggie friends. They were roommates, so it didn’t seem very nice of Maggie to bring over someone Kristina didn’t like. Rory was sweating even more profusely now. She didn’t know if it was the heat or the food poisoning.

  “Maybe I should just go,” she said. “I don’t think she likes me very much.”

  “That’s the thing,” Kristina said behind them. “You’ll talk about leaving, but you don’t ever actually do anything.” Before Rory could explain herself, Kristina pushed past and unlocked the door to their house. It was right on the street, with only the sidewalk between the passing cars and the door. Inside, Kristina clomped up the stairs on her big feet.

  “I don’t know what her problem is,” Maggie said. “Let me get you a Coke and we can hang out.”

  She got three bottles of Coke from the refrigerator and led Rory upstairs. “Are you sure this is okay?” Rory asked one more time before Maggie opened her bedroom door.

  “Why are you being a jerk?” Maggie asked Kristina straight away.

  Rory squirmed with discomfort as Maggie stood with her hands planted on her hips, staring down Kristina, who sat at a vanity spread with makeup.

  Kristina sighed. “I’m sorry I was a jerk,” she said in a rehearsed way, as if reading the words off a teleprompter.

  Rory was so shocked she just stood there gaping. She’d never in a million years thought Kristina would apologize, even in the lame way she had.

  “It’s okay,” Rory muttered when she realized both girls were waiting for her to respond. She wondered what kind of leverage Maggie had over her, if she knew that Kristina had murdered someone or something else bad enough that it warranted unwilling obedience. Or maybe friends just did those kinds of things for each other.

  “Good,” Kristina said, turning back to the mirror.

  Maggie rolled her eyes at Rory, shaking her head as she handed her one of the Cokes. She set one on the vanity next to Kristina’s sea of makeup, then dropped onto the bed with the last one. “So,” she said. “Want to look at the pictures we got today?”

  Rory and she sat on her bed for a time, scrolling through their pictures. Rory showed her the blog she’d been updating regularly, which impressed Maggie more than she’d expected. Finally, after the tenth time Kristina sighed dramatically, and the third time her mother texted to ask how the Colosseum tour had gone and if she’d made it home safely, Rory stood. “I should probably be getting home.” She could already tell she had a sunburn, and she needed to put aloe all over it or she’d peel like a banana.

  “Is your boy toy getting lonely?” Maggie asked with a grin.

  “He’s not my boy toy,” Rory said, her lips closing strangely around the words, as if they were a foreign language. “That was my mom.”

  “Of course it was,” Kristina muttered.

  Maggie said she’d walk Rory to the tram after she went to the bathroom. When she was gone, Rory turned to Kristina, who was now sitting on her bed playing with her phone. “Can I ask you a question?” The words tumbled out of Rory’s mouth before she could stop them. Maybe seeing Maggie take her down a notch had staved off some of Rory’s anxiety. Or maybe it was the fact that her skin was on fire, and she was already mad at Kristina, so she blamed her for both the sunburn and the still-burbling stomach.

  “Oh, my God,” Kristina said, throwing down her phone. “Just ask the question, okay? You don’t have to ask if you can ask. It’s so…needy.”

  “Okay, fine,” Rory said. “What’s your problem with me? I never did anything to you. You’re the one who talked to me on the plane here like we were BFFs.”

  She could not believe she’d just done that. Her heart was racing so fast she thought it might short circuit and she’d die before she had a chance to enjoy her tiny victory. Even if Kristina ripped her face off, at least she’d stood up to a bully for once in her pathetic excuse for a life.

  “That was better,” Kristina said, nodding. “See, you’re not so annoying when you grow a pair.”

  “How am I annoying you?” Rory asked. “I haven’t said a word to you in two hours.”

  “You’re right,” Kristina said, flopping back on her bed. “I’m sorry. I’m being a bitch. I don’t know what my problem is.”

  Rory nearly fell to the floor in shock. She couldn’t believe it. What if that was all it took all these years? What if, ever since elementary school, she could have had friends, could have stopped the teasing, just by asking the simple question of why? Why did they have to torment her, call her goggle-eyes because of her thick glasses, say it was so sad they could die when she wore the same things that all of them wore? Why hadn’t it made her part of the crowd?

  “Look, Rory, I don’t have a problem with you personally. You’re just so…”

  “Annoying, I know. You said that.”

  “No, it’s not that. It’s just that you’re so…” Kristina trailed off again, making a face. “Like, pathetic or something. I don’t mean that in a mean way, like I don’t like you. But it is kind of annoying. You know? Have some confidence. You live with a cute boy. Why isn’t he your boy toy? Does he have a girlfriend?”

  “I don’t know,” Rory admitted.

  “Why don’t you know? You live with him. You obviously like him. Grab him by the face and kiss the crap out of him. Why not?”

  “I couldn’t do that.”

  “See, that. That passive, insecure crap. It’s annoying as hell. Just saying.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m being a bitch. Tell me where I can stick it.”

  “I don’t talk like that.”

  Maggie came back in, drying the backs of her hands on her shirt. “Ready?” She surveyed the room for a second. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” Rory said.

  “I was telling Rory why she’s annoying,” Kristina said.

  “That’s terrible,” Maggie said. “You’re not annoying, Rory.”

  “No, she’s right. I am a pushover. I’m a total coward.”

  “Then why don’t you fix that?” Kristina said. “First off, defend yourself when someone says you’re a coward. Then stop being one.”

  “I…I don’t know how.”

  “Do something you’d never do. Go home and throw that boy down and rip his clothes off. And then tell us all about it, of course.” Kristina smiled, this big, lopsided grin that caught Rory off guard. Kristina was attractive in a very deliberate way, with lots of makeup that she kept always on the tasteful side, and sexy clothes that didn’t cross the line into slutty. But she always seemed so put together and confident, so precisely attractive. Rory had heard her laugh before, but she’d never seen that smile, one that didn’t look all planned and choreographed like the rest of her, but something wild that couldn’t be hidden by the right lipstick and accessories.

  After that, Rory and Maggie left for the tram. “Do you think she’s right?” Rory asked after a block or so of silence.

  “No, of course not,” Maggie said. “I’m sorry she was being like that.”

  “I don’t know,” Rory said. “Maybe she’s right.”

  “About what? You’re not annoying. You’re sweet.”

  “Maybe that stuff doesn’t annoy you. But I am like she said.”

  “Don’t take it personally.”

  “How can I not?”

  After a minute, M
aggie said, “I don’t know. She’s mean sometimes.”

  “Is it obvious that I like Ned?”

  “I mean…honestly?” Maggie looked at her sideways. “Kind of.”

  “Oh, no. Crap. That’s bad.”

  “I’m sure he didn’t notice,” Maggie said. “Guys aren’t very observant.”

  Rory remembered something Patty had said, that guys never thought flirting was innocent because they all had big egos. Girls might second guess when a guy flirted, but guys always thought it meant a girl liked them. Plus, most guys might not be observant, but she’d seen Ned studying things—fountains, buildings, her. She got the feeling he didn’t miss much.

  CHAPTER fourteen

  At home, Rory called her mom back on Skype after coating her shoulders and neck with aloe. “Hello, honeybun,” Winnie cooed into the phone. “How are you? How was your outing?”

  “It was…good.” Rory didn’t know what to say. It was hard to describe something like the Colosseum, which was just some stone ruins. It was the kind of thing you had to be there to witness, to stand in one of the cells where Christians were held before being let loose into the arena to be eaten by lions while the crowd watched and cheered in bloody merriment. The barbaric joy they took in it, in all the sacrifice and slaughter that had happened inside the arena, didn’t fully hit until she stood in one of the stone cells, looking out into the field where so many had died horribly.

  But she couldn’t say that to her mother. It would only make Winnie worry.

  “Are you taking your meds?”

  “Yes, Mom. Of course.”

  They seemed far away now, something that already she was learning how to live without. Maybe in another four weeks, she wouldn’t need to talk to her mother every day. She wasn’t even going to mention the sunburn. She knew how to take care of that, and her mother would make a big deal over nothing.

  “That’s good,” Winnie said. “How’s your host mother?”