by K. F. Breene
“That’s fair,” he chuckled and nuzzled her neck.
Krista had intended some pillow talk, but she fell asleep instead. Sean did likewise, holding her like a teddy bear.
The next day they took a severely hung over Cassie to the airport. She’d given Krista her number so she could keep in touch, and also in case she needed any McAdams advice. Krista had the sneaking suspicion part of the reason she hoped she and Sean succeeded was selfish—Krista hadn’t missed the comment about wanting a sister, nor had she missed her desire for reckless behavior. If Krista married Sean, she would fit nicely into both of those categories, which meant she was exactly who Cassie wanted Sean to marry. And granted, Krista wasn’t even thinking along those lines—sex first—but it was nice to know someone was on her side. Especially someone who could whisper soothing words in Sean’s ear if things went awry.
After Sean and Krista said goodbye, they spent much of the rest of the day on the couch under a blanket in the buff. Sean still had his no sex rule in effect, which was irritating, but it was amazing what could be done without penetration. And some of his oral activities were, indeed, amazing.
Towards the evening, when the light was failing and the shadows were crawling their way across the floor, Krista was happily dozing when Sean startled her awake asking, “Do you want to order in?”
Being that he had a sticky hard-on, and she just gushed out a fresh coat of lube, she figured eating could wait. Instead, she bared her neck to him, liking when he bent to her and slowly nibbled down to her shoulder. His hand came around her body, finding a breast and sticking like crazy glue.
Krista backed her butt up, allowing his penis to slide into the small space between the top of her thighs, right up against her wet slit. A small maneuver would have him inside her, but she was a pro at pushing the boundaries by now, and instead, rotated her hips in a circle, catching his cock and bringing it along.
She expected Sean to stop her here. He always had in the past. And he should have—it wasn’t safe. He was worried about pregnancy, she was worried about diseases. If it was another guy, she wouldn’t even push this boundary, but he was always in such great control that she didn’t have to worry about it.
A look back revealed a blissful face and an “Out To Lunch” sign. Sean was no longer Sean. He was the other guy. The lurking guy. The guy that shut off all thought and tried to force intimacy. The little boy that ruined his parents’ life.
For the first time in her life, Krista wished she’d been a psychiatrist instead of a math geek. She did not know how to help.
“I feel so close to you,” Sean said as he thrust blindly, barely missing her opening. Nearly ruining their first time together.
Tingles of anxiety crept up her spine. He was unprotected, which was a catastrophic “no-no” with him. What’s more, his usually smooth and slow movements were hurried and jerky. He was reaching between her legs roughly, trying to part her wider even though she was resisting. He leaned over her chest, putting his weight against her to hold her down.
Krista’s heart started thumping. Anxiety turned to fear as he used his hands to force her legs open so he could climb on top.
She mutely pushed at his chest, using what had developed into their sign to slow or stop. In their weekend of getting to know each other’s bodies, whenever something felt weird or off, or whenever Krista wanted to switch positions, or even when the remote was trying to sodomize her because of her positioning on the couch, she gave soft resistance with her hand to his chest, and Sean desisted immediately.
It didn’t even register.
He climbed on her body, pulling her legs wide and up, making his way clear. Rough fingers searched her quickly drying sex, pushing in and out, trying to rub moisture in so he could enter her. His tip was prodding her inner thigh, rubbing to give himself feeling while he worked at her.
“No, Sean,” Krista said, panic rising. Feeling Jim’s fingers. Jim’s body. Feeling phantom stinging from being hit or slapped. Phantom hands around her throat or holding her arms.
Her chest constricted. Tears leaked out of her eyes. Her breathing got shallow. Memories blotted out her awareness. Pain and rage. Rough insertions and abusing sex. Lust filled eyes looking down on her pain. Laughter as she cried.
“No,” she whispered, eyes squeezed shut, panic stricken and unable to move.
“You are so beautiful,” she heard through the haze. “Such a blessing.”
In fast pants, Krista latched onto that voice. Smooth gravel. Deep and reassuring. A man in the height of fighting his own demons, but without inflicting the pain he felt.
A man that was not restraining her in any way.
Fast pants of breath still, but fighting her panic desperately. Taking stock of the situation to calm her mind.
She wasn’t hurt. Not even by his fingers. She wasn’t trapped; she still had full use of her arms. She wasn’t being called a filthy bitch or a worthless whore.
She wasn’t in the past.
Logic trickled through the cracks of her terror. Awareness filtered in like sunshine through fog.
Sean was lightly kissing her neck and rubbing himself along her sex. She was dry, and he must have registered that, because he was working at getting her lubed again. Two fingers were playing with her. It didn’t hurt.
She brought her hands away from her body. No one caught them and forced them back down. This was not the rape she’d been envisioning.
She opened her eyes.
Sean’s movements were still off, but he was still smoother than Paul had been even though Paul had never let his passion rise too high. Sean’s sexual prowess at the moment was rough and hasty, but no more than any man in the throes of passion. If she hadn’t known Sean the way she did, and hadn’t had a bag of her own extremely serious issues, she would’ve taken his lead and had some fantastic crazy sex.
She needed to talk him down.
That realization took a back seat as his penis was lined up with her opening and his body bent low over hers.
A new panic hit her. If they went through with sex, with both of them completely off the edge, they would never recover. It would ruin it forever for both of them.
Thinking fast, Krista shoved him as hard as he could. But when his blunt tip dipped in, barely cresting her outer folds, she threw caution to the wind, wound up, and slapped him full across the face, stopping his progress immediately.
They both froze.
As milliseconds ticked by, as Krista barely stayed above the waters of panic. She prayed to all that was holy that she hadn’t been wrong about Sean. That he wouldn’t hit her back.
As those vivid green eyes opened slowly, it took one full second to read her face. One more for dawning to strike.
He got off of her immediately.
Chapter Nineteen
Krista sighed as she was freed and noticed Sean’s face was one of pure shock. He looked down at her in confusion, his eyes probing hers. “Krista...” He pulled her to a seated position. “I’m so sorry I—Are you okay? I don’t know what came over me.”
He went introspective.
Krista nodded, because she was okay mostly, and pulled herself together. It took her another second to snap out of it, and then one more to push back the memories. When she was back in reality, finally letting her logical brain to take over, she sat still, feeling helpless as Sean huddled behind her on the couch.
By the look on his face--the self-deprecation, the regret, the horror--he knew exactly what had come over him, and it was obviously the thing that always broke when he got emotionally involved with a woman. It was the thing that made him push women away. It was clear it was not tied to sex. It was tied to love and intimacy.
And now it was applied to Krista.
Sean lay back down slowly. Krista, feeling slightly self-conscious—she just slapped the shit out of the guy—hesitantly laid down next to him, facing him, their heads only a few inches apart, breathing the same air. They needed to talk this out. He needed to know he h
adn’t hurt her, and it was just as much her freak out as his.
But how to begin…
“Are you okay?”
“Not really,” Sean’s eyes were glassy and he was blinking quickly to keep them clear. The guy looked like he’d just killed a puppy.
“You didn’t hurt me or anything,” Krista continued, “I just got a bit… worried, is all. Kind of had a flashback…”
Sean winced.
Probably not wise to compare him to her abusive ex-boyfriend. Bad start.
Krista tried to explain, “I just freak out quicker than other girls, you know? Bad past. I should have recognized what was going on with you—I mean, you know…uh, when you get kind of emotionally bogged down…” She paused. This was not going well.
“I just panicked. Um, I just need you to know it wasn’t only you, and you weren’t hurting me.”
Sean wouldn’t meet her eyes. He slightly nodded, but that was to stop her from speaking further. She apparently wasn’t doing him any favors.
In the back of her mind, as she stared dumbly at the man crumbling before her eyes, Krista realized that, because of this meltdown, she reaffirmed the absolute faith that Sean wouldn’t physically hurt her. He was in a dark place a moment ago, but he still wasn’t violent. He also wasn’t falling over himself apologizing and giving blood-vows that he would never do it again.
Jim had always done that. He’d been appalled by what he’d done, by a bruise on her arm, by her tears or her sore lady-bits, and confess he lost himself. He’d say he was sorry, that he’d never do it again, and that he would kill himself if he ever hurt her. It was never his fault, either. It was his bro, who stole his pot, or some guy who owed him money, or even her, who got him so worked up he lost himself in sexual bliss.
Krista burrowed into Sean, needing his warmth against the bitterness of her past. Needing him to understand why she reacted the way she did. Needing him to stop his self-loathing game and talk it out like an adult.
“Should I go home?” she asked tentatively after he hadn’t responded to her body or need for cuddling. Sound seemed out of place in this fragile place they found themselves.
“It would probably be safer for you,” he was trying to keep his voice even but Krista could hear the tremor under it.
She changed tactics. “I’m not afraid of you, just my past. Do you want to be alone, or can I stay?”
“I think I should be alone.”
Krista’s instinct was to cling tightly to him; to refuse to leave. But she probably couldn’t help him. He needed support, but so did she. Many women could comfort others when their life was falling apart. They were called mothers. Krista wasn’t one of them.
They both got up and dressed in silence. Sean’s body was bowed and withdrawn, his eyes still glassy, his face a mess of guilt and self-hatred.
He had a bright pink mark on his cheek where she’d slapped him.
Forming her own self-hatred, she gathered her things, gave him a tight hug, then stepped out into the soupy night. It was a shit end to a great weekend.
When Krista woke up the next morning she was certain of one, tragic thing. He would end it. His insecurity would feed off of the knowledge that he lost control and possibly endangered her. Her slap would’ve driven home his wrongdoing. It would have cemented in his mind what he’d done wrong, and that he would irreparably hurt her in the future, if he hadn’t already.
If she had talked him down, he probably would have been fine, like the last time. But eventually that, too, would have caught up with that ego of his, and he would deduce that he was bad for her. That he would never be good enough. That she deserved better. With Sean, it was always that—he wasn’t good enough.
She got up in a daze of sleep deprivation. She dressed, put on makeup, did her hair and made her way to the train. She didn’t notice the weather, nor the crowded train, nor the small woman elbowing her in the ribs. When the train broke down, she made her way to the station without notice of getting bumped and jostled. When she finally made it to work ten minutes late, she didn’t notice the path to her desk, nor her office. Even the coffee tasted bland, and no amount of creamer or sugar would help.
Kate and Jasmine knew something was up when they came in to chat about the weekend, but trying to be professional—in case people walked by—they let it go. Krista didn’t really care either way.
Marcus came in, noticed her lack of interest in the world, and asked if she had a late night. Her shrug and disinterest made him look harder, and then come over and give her a hug. He’d been there before, too. Every non-hermit had. Hell, probably most hermits ended up that way because of broken hearts. It was the way of the world when you were searching for that special someone. You struck out a lot more often than you hit a homer.
When the day ended and Sean came in, Krista knew Doomsday had finally arrived. He looked as tired as she felt, and as haggard. But he was resolved, and that was not good.
“Hey Captain, how was your day?” she asked as she leant back.
“It was okay. Do you want a ride home?”
No! “Uh, yeah, sure. I’m ready.”
He nodded. They walked quietly past Jasmine and Kate, who were quick at putting two and two together. Jasmine took out her phone and held it up. They were expecting a call later, and Krista had a sinking feeling they would get it. She had been down breakup alley before. She was definitely headed for heartache tonight.
Sean waited until they got to their neighborhood. Krista didn’t know if that was mercy for him, or for her. The fog was suffocating in its intensity. They could barely see to the end of a block.
Sean parked in the beach parking lot and turned off the car. Krista waited patiently.
“First, let me say how incredibly sorry I am that I scared you. It wasn’t my intention.”
All-time worst openers. Obviously he hadn’t intended to scare her. What did he think, it was April’s Fools Day? That maybe she thought it was all some big hoax?
You’d think the guy was better at this, what with all his many women. Or was he doing her a favor by explaining? As if she needed it.
He paused.
This was The Sean Show, so Krista waited patiently for the final act. Spoiler alert: This was a classic breakup scene. Back in the day Krista would’ve already had an argument ready as to why he was ending a great thing. She would have her hands around his lapels in a claw-like grip, terrified of being let go.
Not now.
The only thing it got her in the past was embarrassed. She was better than that. She was an adult, damn it! She wanted to work through these problems. Her problems—his problems—they both had baggage, so what? It could be navigated. Krista wanted to try; she wanted to talk it out. They had something, all they had to do was fight for it.
To use an office cliché, Sean was not on the same page. Bottom line, this was gonna hurt real bad.
“I just hope I didn’t hurt you,” Sean’s voice was dripping with misery and regret.
“You didn’t,” she said simply. She wasn’t going to make this easy on him, the twit.
He nodded and continued, looking out at the rolling white. “I have really grown to care about you. Even before we...became intimate, I cared about you. You mean a lot to me. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting you. For dragging you down. You are too precious for that. You are too precious to be trampled. And I will trample you, Krista. We’ve already seen it happen. You just...deserve better. You deserve a man who is going to treat you like gold. Who is going to take good care of you. Who is going to cherish every day he is with you.”
“And you wouldn’t?” she asked, even though she knew the answer. He wouldn’t, because it was too hard. Because he was too afraid. He didn’t want to get his hands dirty. Not for her, at least. Maybe not for anyone.
“I would try. I have tried. But then I have moments of insecurity. I try to fix that by sex, thinking it will just go away. But it doesn’t. It just makes me feel guilty and creepy. I just... L
ook, Krista, I’m a mess. I would try to treat you like a princess then I would do something like last night and end up jerking you around. You deserve better.”
“I do, you’re right. I deserve a man who is going to realize his weaknesses, his problems, and have the courage to work through them to be with me. I need a man who is willing to treat his woman like she was invested, too, and trust her enough to support him through his bad times as she hoped to be supported through hers. Are you saying you are not that man?”
She was using a different tactic than her other break-ups. It wouldn’t help any more than the others, but it seemed fitting. She and Sean had a relationship unlike any she’d had before. They were solidly based on trust and friendship. The only thing going wrong was the intimacy part. Which was a big part, yes. And which was now broken. But they had the other parts to fall back on now and Krista was desperately reaching for those. She hoped that the intimacy crumbling wouldn’t bring it all down together. She hoped they could clear the air and end up friends, at the very least.
Sean nodded, head bowed. “I think it’s best, Krista. I’m so sorry.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry. It doesn’t do anybody any good,” Krista said testily. She’d had enough. “Alright, well, I’m going to walk home. Let’s try to forget about this in the office, okay?”
His head snapped up, disbelief tinged with hurt etched on his face. He wasn’t expecting that answer from her. He wasn’t expecting her to be so calm about all this. “That’s it?”
Oh yeah, buddy, poke the hornet’s nest just to see how mad they are. Great idea.
“What do you mean, that’s it?”
“You...you aren’t going to say anything? You are just going to...I don’t know... It’s just... Look, I care about you a lot. I want to be with you. It’s just... I’m not good enough...”
“I know. I heard all that. If you’re asking if I’m going to try and plead, or if I’m going to get angry and throw a tantrum, what’s the point? You’ve made up your mind. Anything I say won’t change it. Let’s just take this as a lesson in life, another level to our friendship, another secret to our working relationship, and move on.”