by K. F. Breene
Krista’s resolve was ebbing. Her heart was being ripped out of her chest, flung around the conversation, and stepped on repeatedly. There was only so much time she could invest in stopping the blood flow before she gave in and simply bled out.
She leaned over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and got out of the car. He didn’t try to stop her. That was always the worst part--the part where one had to walk away.
Especially when it was you, and the guy didn’t try and stop you.
Halfway home, Krista calmly called Kate and told her what happened. She was told Kate would call Jasmine and they’d meet at Krista’s house as fast as she possible.
It was then that the uncontrollable tears started. By the time Krista made it home she was a mess. She walked past a bewildered Ben, and huddled on her bed until Kate and Jasmine showed up sometime later to drag her out so Ben, Jasmine and Kate could listen to the whole, though short, story of the brief, but intense, love affair. They sat in contemplation for a minute while Krista sipped tea. She hadn’t been allowed alcohol.
After a while Ben said, “Well, it is obvious he does like you. A lot, I think.”
“Yeah, he isn’t using you,” Kate said. “And he isn’t doing that womanizer bullshit because he didn’t have sex with you.”
“That was a shocker, actually, but I agree,” Jasmine nodded, taking a sip of wine. Krista was the only one not allowed to drink.
Krista nodded to that, fresh tears coming to her eyes.
“I also don’t see a way around his issues, though,” Ben said softly.
Jasmine and Kate nodded in unison. Krista had come to the same conclusion.
“But he has to get over them sometime,” Kate said, looking at Ben. “Right? No one wants to go through life alone. And he’s old enough to know that, right?”
“True. But you would think he would try to get over it with Krista. Maybe he isn’t ready...”
“Hmm,” Kate answered.
“What did his sister say?” Jasmine asked.
“I didn’t call her. It hadn’t even occurred to me.”
“Well call her, fuck-head!” Kate yelled, going to get Krista’s phone. “Call her right now. She liked you. She wanted it to work out with you and Sean. She knows him best, maybe she can help?”
Krista took the phone. “But I only just saw her. It’s kind of weird to call.”
“Call, bitch!” Kate said hostilely.
Ben and Jasmine nodded when Krista looked to them for a second and third opinion.
Cassie picked up on the third ring, “Hello?”
“Hi, Cassie?”
“Krista?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Oh hi! Missed me already?” she laughed.
“Desperately,” Krista forced a laugh to let her know she was joking. “Listen, I’ve run into a bit of a snag and was wondering if the advice center was open?”
“Oh God, already?” Her laughed immediately turned solemn.
“Unfortunately, yeah...”
Krista gave her the G rated version of what happened, and what he said to her a couple hours ago. Cassie listened with various noises in response to the story and then fell silent.
“Well, good news is that he is really hung up on you. I think he really does love you. I can only think of one other person he has loved. So that’s good. Bad news is, he totally messed it up with that other girl as well—she was a jerk, though—but it means we only have hope to go off of now. He doesn’t fall in love easily.”
“Hmmm.”
“Okay, your reaction to his news was surprisingly perfect. He was probably expecting tears or anger, so I am sure he is unsettled. What he will also expect is you to either get clingy or hate him. So you can’t do either of those.”
“I want to at least stay in his life. Friends, work buddies, whatever, you know?”
“It is obvious you really love him, too, so that’s good. Man, this sucks.” She was flabbergasted.
As tears leaked down Krista’s face, she nodded.
“Okay,” Cassie continued, strategy in her voice. “Here’s what I think you should do. I think you should be the same old Krista. Flirt, be funny, act like nothing is the matter. But don’t ask him to do anything, don’t get rides home, and don’t spend any personal time with him. Keep it light, keep it friendly, show no hard feelings, but keep it distant. Without pressure or hatred he’ll have to think of what he’s missing. It will be right in front of him, but he won’t be able to get it. That should drive him crazy.”
“But what if he then just wants me until he gets me, then freaks out again?”
“Yeah, that’s always the catch. Just don’t let him have you until you’re sure he will stay with you.”
“How?”
“That I don’t know. If you can do it, though, you win. If not, you fail. Plain and simple.”
She had to throw fail in there, didn’t she? Krista thought miserably. She silently wondered if Cassie knew that was the magic word to keep her trying, or if she got lucky.
“And Krista?”
“Yeah?”
“He will freak out again, you know. Probably for the rest of his life he’ll get to a place that reminds him of a fight he overheard, or something tragic my parents did to each other and indirectly to him, and he will freak out. You just have to know that.”
“I told you before, Cass, I have my own demons, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life, too. It is what it is.”
“I know, I just wanted you to be sure—he’s no picnic. But he is a good guy, you know? I can’t speak any higher of him. He has his faults, but he is a good guy.”
“I know. That’s why this sucks so bad.”
“I know. Hang in there. I’ll try and see if I can play shrink from my end. Just don’t tell him you’ve talked to me, okay?”
“’Kay,” Krista was crying again.
“Hang in there,” she said again, sadness in her voice.
~*~*~*~
Cassie hung up the phone and swore. Two days. He’d only made it two days. He’d never derailed this fast in the past. Not even by half. It meant he was over-the-moon about her. It also meant he was probably sitting at home with a bottle of Scotch.
Cassie pushed his name on her phone and waited for him to pick up.
“What’s up, Cass? I’m kinda busy.”
Cassie got a thrill of fear. Sean sounded like he was planning on ending his life. She stayed calm. He couldn’t think she was ganging up on him.
“Oh, no problem. I just wanted to hear how the rest of the weekend went. Say hi to Krista for me.”
Sean’s breath hitched, but he said, “Sure. See ya.”
The phone went dead. Cassie looked down at it in trepidation. Another first, and not a good one. Sean was completely closing himself off. Cassie called Ray next.
Chapter Twenty
Life hurt. That’s all Krista could think about. How much her life hurt.
The edges of her being were still jagged from Sean’s rejection last night. They hadn’t been smoothed out by time. They hadn’t been buffered by a newly erected defense. They were sharp and splintered, ripping at her with each movement.
She’d said she would have no regrets. She now wondered if that had been wise.
In the office, staring at her email, she remembered the days when her Inbox had been empty. How could she ever have been bored? That possibility didn’t even register to her any more. Shopping online was a luxury she no longer had time for.
“Geegee!”
“AH!” Krista turned and stared at Marcus as he sauntered in.
A huge smile taking up his face, he sat down in front of her. “My, my, not real jumpy are we?”
“You do that on purpose,” she said with a wan frown as she turned back to her list of emails.
“What’s wrong?”
“Huh?”
“What’s the matter, honey? You look like someone died.”
A burst of tears welled up like blood from a fre
sh cut. She blinked rapidly, trying to read John’s now blurry email.
With a tsk Marcus was around her desk and wrapping her in his arms.
“Men suck,” he said as she cried into his sleeve.
“How’d you know?” she muttered, relishing in his simple act of rubbing her back.
“Honey, I’ve been there. Trust me, I know.”
“I have terrible luck with men.”
“We all do. You’ll find one. This, too, shall pass, dearest.”
“This is what people said after the last one passed,” Krista sniveled.
Unexpectedly, Marcus started laughing. “I know. I love that saying, but you’re right. One passes, you get over it, then it feels like you’re right back in it again! Don’t I know!”
He crossed back to his chair and gave her a minute to fix herself. When she was ready to stave off having to answer relationship questions that she knew he wanted to ask, she said, “What’s the deal with that email from John?”
“Which, honey?”
“He wants Sean and I to get our teams together. Since when do I have a team?”
“Get your teams together for what?”
Krista glanced at her email, “To go over everything.”
Suddenly Marcus was a lot less relaxed.
“What?” Krista asked, worried she was missing something.
“I have to get with Judy. Sean hasn’t been on my ass lately so I’ve procrastinated on a couple things.”
“Why hasn’t Sean been on your ass?”
“One, because he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Marcus paused for dramatic effect. Krista couldn’t summon up the good humor to play along, so she just stared, waiting for him to go on. “And two, I don’t know. I thought you might…”
Krista shrugged and looked back at the computer, zipping off an email to Sean asking about this phantom team John was speaking of. “Don’t know. Been kind of in my own world, I guess. I haven’t…” She paused as a new email came in.
Sean wanted her to go to his office to discuss. What, did he want to rub salt in the wound, or something?
Too used to being alone in her office, she said, “Seriously?” before she could stop herself.
“What?” Marcus asked, leaning forward to peer at her computer screen. He gave Krista a suspicious look.
“I just…don’t want to deal with Mr. Handsome-Ladykiller when I feel like this.”
“Hmmm,” Marcus was staring at her. Reading her face.
“Anyway, gotta go,” Krista said, not even bothering to say goodbye as she quickly left the office.
She needed to remember to get Kate and Jaz on Marcus for damage control. She’d handled that terribly. He was undoubtedly making some wrong conclusions. Well, actually, the correct conclusions, which made it even worse.
Then she turned the corner and went blank. Sean was sitting at his desk, wearing a rumpled white polo shirt with messy hair. He looked drawn and tired. If she wasn’t mistaken, he hadn’t gotten any more sleep than she had last night.
Which begged the question: Why was he doing this to them both? Because if he felt like death warmed over, like she did, he would get over his crap and try to work through it. He would realize she was worth it.
A pulse of misery threatened to pull her under. Those were dangerous thoughts.
Mustering her resolve, remembering that she was supposed to play indifferent and upbeat, she threw on a smile and walked into his office. “What’s up, Cap’n?”
Sean caught and held her eyes for a moment too long as he said, “Hi Krista.”
“Cat got your tongue?”
“Not at all. How are you?”
About ready to cry. “Fair enough. Having personal issues with men, but they’re men--what else is new, right? Just ask Marcus.” Krista forced herself to laugh. “So, anyway, what’s up with John’s email?”
Sean missed a beat at the change in topic. He continued to look at her, worry in his eyes along with guilt. Finally, seeing she was waiting for him, he said, “John is presenting you as the Lead Researcher. He thinks that will give you more credibility, and I agree. It is also a true statement, since Jasmine and Kate report to you.”
“Oh. But I am still on your team? Or are we now a coalition?”
“You are still on my team, and I am on John’s team. You’re still a peon as far as that goes.”
“Yeah, I figured. But so are you, so that ain’t bad.”
“Ain’t, huh? You visit Texas on your way to work?”
Krista snickered, incapable of letting humor linger for long.
“You’ll need to look the part, of course,” Sean gave a pointed look at her clothes.
“I can’t afford Armani, if that’s what you mean.”
“I know. We need to work on your salary. You are at least two pay scales behind already, and will only fall further back.” Sean looked her over with his business gaze. Her heart picked up its pace and banged around in her chest.
“But that’s for later. For now, we need to get you a suit.”
Krista had reached halfway up to her seeping heart before she could stop herself. Changing the action into a reach for her lucky mug, she nodded to deflect.
“For now, let’s go shopping.” Sean jumped up and headed for the door, seemingly desperate to be on the move.
“What do you mean? Now?”
“We’ll get you a suit for Friday and expense it. I can argue it away. I can probably only get you one, though. But we’ll make it count.”
“You’re going to dress me with company money?”
“If it helps the clients imagine undressing you, it’s worth it, right?”
“Uh...”
He laughed and motioned her out of the office. “Get your bag. Hurry, let’s go. We don’t have much time.”
Ten minutes later she was ushered into a tiny shop and marched in front of an older Italian man who looked like he was born into the business. He had a measuring tape draped over his shoulder, his worn-in office had all kinds and colors of fabric swatches, and his critical eye took Krista’s measure from top to bottom before she could even get embarrassed by the scrutiny.
“Ah, Sean, always nice to see you!” The gentleman said as they came to a stop in front of the counter.
“Marco, hello. This is Krista. She needs a suit for Friday, is that possible?”
“Friday, you say? That is quick work.”
“I realize. It’s important, though, so I thought I’d check in and see if you could make room. Otherwise we’ll head on to Macy’s.”
“Macy’s? Oh no, I couldn’t send you to there, no.” Krista got another analysis. “You are in luck. I have nothing pressing for week, so I can work with this deadline.”
“Great, Marco. Do you have time to measure her now?”
“Of course.”
They walked through a doorway to the left of the counter into a small workroom stuffed with mannequins and half-finished suits toward the back. Scattered around were swatches of every shade of fabric ever created, and in the middle of the fabric hurricane was a small podium that she was unceremoniously stationed upon.
Sean sat down in one of two visitor chairs, which he had to clear off, in front of a window. His eyes were never far from Krista.
“Okay,” Marco said, getting his tape measure. He started measuring as he talked to Sean. “Professional jacket for missus, yes?”
“Yes. We need elegant and ladylike, but keep her young.”
“Of course,” Marco said in indignation. He measured around Krista’s waist, then her bust. She felt her face going a furious shade of red at the thought of her boobs being measured in front of a guy. Sean noticed and smiled that secret smile before a flash of pain crossed his face. He looked away.
“Pants or skirt?” the tailor asked.
Sean looked to Krista. “I would say skirt, but would that make you uncomfortable, Geegee?”
“No. Skirt is fine.”
Marco barely paused in his measurin
g, whipping the tape measure around like it was a sword. When done, it was time to talk color.
“Black,” Krista said without hesitation.
“You have a black suit,” Sean countered. “Let’s go for something not so overdone.”
“Black goes with everything, looks more sophisticated, and it never goes out of style.”
“The cut will make it look sophisticated—“
“My suits are classic!” Marco retorted with his familiar indignation.
Sean paused to suppress a smile before he said, “Stop being so boring. Live a little.”
“Fine, what did you have in mind?”
“How about cream?”
“I would spill something on it. Plus, I ride Muni. I couldn’t get it here unscathed.”
“True. How about powder blue?”
“Who am I, Myrtle? No way.”
“Who’s—never mind. How about light gray?”
Before Krista could say no, the tailor had fabric swatches fanned in his hand.
“Light gray, pink pin-stripe, no?” Marco asked.
Krista couldn’t think of anything uglier, which must have showed on her face, because Sean got up and took two steps closer to see.
With his proximity came his heat. And his smell. She breathed it in, remembering. Unable to help flipping through her Rolodex of memories and getting stuck on one where they were wrapped up in a blanket with her curled in his lap, drinking a cup of coffee and looking out at the waves. They’d only had a couple days, but they had a really good couple days.
With a lump in her throat, Krista nodded at Marco just to get out of this room. Sean caught her eye, the inquisitiveness in his gaze turned focused, like a magnifying glass in the sun. The world dimmed to just him and her. Remembering together, watching the scenes, exploring the feelings. Exploring each other.
A pain so acute she couldn’t breathe suffocated her. It felt like her breast plate was being cracked in half and then stomped on. She ripped her eyes away, her whole body trembling with suppressed emotion.
“Thursday afternoon, earliest,” Marco said as he cut through their moment by handing Sean some papers. “But you pay rush fee.”