Everything I Know about Love I Learned from Romance Novels

by Sarah Wendell

  Reader Elirhe writes that “I might even say that romance novels also played a role in the development of my feminist beliefs: some of my first romance reads at the age of eleven were those old love = rape novels of the late ’70s and ’80s, and from the start, I knew those ‘romances’ were just wrong—I instinctively sensed that a) no man has the right to dominate a woman like that and pass it off as affection, and b) women should stand up for themselves and demand that they be treated as full human beings.”

  Natalie Arloa says that her husband’s understanding of her love for romance helped her recognize what a truly good man he was: “It isn’t that a particular romance novel has helped my relationship with my husband, but it was his complete acceptance of the fact that I read them that helped. I used to be a closet reader; I’d buy a category on a night I knew my husband would be out late (which was regularly, since he’s a musician) and read it in that evening. If he came home early, I’d hide it under my pillow. And I kept them in a spot he never looked.

  “We’d been married for seven years before he saw me read a romance novel, and that’s mostly because I started getting longer contemporaries from the library and couldn’t always put them down. He was nonplussed that I’d hidden them from him all those years. I felt so secure in his love for me as me and not an idea or certain expectations he might have for me—it was freeing.”

  Author Carrie Lofty knows that the secret to her marriage was sharing obscure interests: “Fourteen years ago I was in England for my junior year abroad. An acquaintance and his two friends invited me to go out dancing. During the taxi ride to the club, one bloke chatted me up, one talked to the driver…and one ignored me. He was too busy staring out the window, conducting a mumbled argument with the radio DJ. After a night of dancing, he and I wound up talking about Imperial Russian history. I married him nine months later. I’ll take ‘indie kid history nerd’ for the win.”

  “Since many romance readers encounter romance for the first time in high school, which is not as a rule populated with kind and self-aware people of any gender, knowing that there are good people in the world at large can be very reassuring.”—JILL Q, A READER

  Editor Angela James says that romance novels themselves helped her identify the best possible man for her: “I was sitting on the couch, reading. I don’t remember the book but I remember it was a romance (with a clinch cover!) and my then-fiancé got incredibly upset. He started saying how much he hated that I was always reading, and he wished I wouldn’t read so much. He even mentioned that he especially hated that I read ‘those’ books (you know, romances). I can’t dramatically say that was the beginning of the end for us, but I eventually did decide a few years later that I wasn’t going to marry him, and it’s clear that what he said, how he felt, made an impression on me. I felt, at the time, and still do, that someone who loved me would understand that reading, and romances, were a part of who I am. You don’t get me without the romances.

  “Josh, my husband now? He totally gets that. It helps that my ‘hobby’ turned into my career, but he’s that guy who speaks proudly of his wife being a bookworm and who says he hopes our daughter ‘takes after me.’ Now that is romantic. And so, with the help of romances, it’s easy to see which is Prince Charming, and which is the frog.”

  Wednesday, a reader, had a horrible relationship, but romances have helped her believe that better men are out there: “By the time I got out of it, I felt broken. I didn’t really believe in love any more, period.

  “I think I started reading romance novels because part of me wanted to hold on to the belief that things could be different. It was comforting to read about couples where the man was actually interested in and appreciated the woman.

  “It was reassuring to read about sex as something that could be mutual and enjoyable, not boundary-pushing and innovative. I know perfectly well that they’re fictional and that if I have another relationship, it won’t be storybook, but I think romance novels have helped me rebuild a healthier ideal of what a relationship should be.”

  Readers can learn that there are different men out there from the ones they may have known personally. As reader Jill Q. says, “I was a plain nerdy girl in a small town. The majority of the boys I met in high school were neither kind nor bright. I had to hold out hope that there were good men out there, not just for me but for the sake of the population at large.

  “Since many romance readers encounter romance for the first time in high school, which is not as a rule populated with kind and self-aware people of any gender, knowing that there are good people in the world at large can be very reassuring. That which is held up as ‘heroic’ in high school can be very different from that which is ‘heroic’ as an adult, most notably demonstrating sexual and personal respect for one another, and one’s self.”

  Reading about different types of people and different and sometimes impossible situations gives romance readers a better understanding of what they want in a relationship. Romances can also teach you what not to want, just as cable TV can teach you what not to wear, what house not to buy, and what food not to cook—and what wine not to drink (trust me, though, some wine in a box is fantastic and you should feel no shame about that!).

  THE TOP NINE ROMANCE HEROES

  Nine? Yes, nine. Why nine? Because any list about the best hero is bound to be greeted with “But what about…” and “You forgot…” So, in order to head off (ha!) those protests, there are only nine, leaving one space for your personal favorite hero. Consider it your write-in candidate space—and feel free to email me at sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com to tell me your choice for the tenth man to finish the Top Romance Heroes list. So who are the top nine heroes among romance readers? It’s a list under much dispute, but culled from the discussions on Twitter and on varying websites, the top reader favorite heroes (for today, anyway—it could easily change tomorrow) are…

  MILES VORKOSIGAN

  The Vorkosigan Saga

  By Lois McMaster Bujold

  Bujold’s series is science fiction, not romance, but her protagonist Miles Vorkosigan is a most beloved character, which is curious not only because of his location just outside the romance genre, but because he has a story arc that takes place over several books. What makes Miles so fascinating to romance fans is that he is in many respects both the pinnacle and the antithesis of romance heroism. When I asked Bujold to tell me about Miles and his development as a hero, she said that romance heroism wasn’t her focus at all: “I did not set out to create a romantic hero with Miles; I set out to create a romantic hero with Miles’s dad.

  “Aral Vorkosigan is pretty literally the alpha-and-omega male lead of my series (which, at the time Cordelia first rolled over to find his boots in the mud in front of her nose, on page two of My First Novel, I did not yet envision). The whole universe was built starting from him (and Cordelia) and moving outward. You can’t get much more angsty-alpha-male than Viceroy Prime Minister Regent Admiral Count Aral Vorkosigan. And he has his fans, fanning themselves, as well, but his romance was a tale that I could only tell once, that being the inherent nature of such things. So when Miles came along, that niche was already explored and occupied, so to speak.

  “Miles began in proto-form as something to do to his parents; I knew even before I’d finished Shards of Honor that their male heir would be born both bright and disabled, although I did not yet know how…

  “Miles was built in part in reaction to Aral, and in part in reaction to standard genre tropes. Tall and handsome? No, short and odd. An orphan, preferably tragic, unencumbered by relations? No, plagued with scads of same—well, perhaps not scads, but they made up in density whatever they lacked in numbers. Spockian and unemotional? Nope. Passionately emotional. Unconscious of heroic ambition? Hell, no—ambitious as the devil, and wildly self-conscious in a very postmodern way. And, of course, desperate to live up to his dad’s example in all ways, including the romantic. (To Miles, this of course meant Aral’s marriage to Cordelia. Fortunat
ely for Miles’s peace of mind, he was largely unappraised of the more lurid details of Aral’s speckled past.) I set Miles in motion on the wall, and all else followed.

  “The ‘bright’ part stuck, because I am a geek girl—I was a geek girl back in the ’60s before the concept had yet been invented or the term coined, and wasn’t that ever an uncomfortable time—and intelligence is the one absolutely nonnegotiable requirement not only in a romantic hero, but in most SF protagonists of any sort.

  “Miles has both positive qualities and interesting flaws. Among the former are intelligence, loyalty, a loving heart, and a quixotic passion for justice. Among the latter are hyperactivity, mood swings, a trust in his own judgment and mistrust of most other people’s bordering on arrogance (we won’t say which side), and a quixotic passion for adventure—or at least, he’s a noted adrenaline junkie. Hard to say which set of aspects get him into the most trouble.

  “Miles never really falls out of love with any woman he falls in love with, which led to a rather complex accumulation over his ensuing volumes. As one character points out, it’s not that Miles picks up so many women; it’s that he never puts any down. Miles [also] has high social status, wealth, and a really big house. All major romance attractors, by all the evidence. Especially the house.”

  You could write an entire book on heroism based on Miles alone, I think: a hero that has many, many fans among science fiction and romance readers alike, who is wealthy, titled, surrounded by intense family, and exceptionally short and scarred while the standard of beauty in his world is to be tall and flawless. On the outside, Miles is the opposite of the heroic archetype; inside, he is the quintessential hero, particularly due to his capacity to care for others. As Bujold puts it, “One must also reflect on the possibility that the standard model for a romance hero is just plain wrong, or at least mistaken in what is essential…”

  Author Darlene Marshall sees Miles, his father Aral, and the other characters in Bujold’s series similarly: “They’re human and they make mistakes, but they rise to the occasion and most of the time act with honor, integrity, and a deep and wide ocean of caring for the people around them.”

  That is some heroism right there.

  ROARKE

  The In Death series

  By J. D. Robb/Nora Roberts

  Roarke is one half of a couple whose slowly developing relationship has spanned over forty books in the In Death series by Nora Roberts, writing as J. D. Robb. Roarke is an enigma: a ridiculously wealthy man with power and farreaching influence, Roarke has lived on both sides of the law, which makes his relationship with detective Eve Dallas very tricky at times. Both Eve and Roarke have a tortured backstory that is revealed in tiny bits with each successive book, and Roarke’s determination to care for the exceptionally prickly and independent Eve has created quite a following among romance fans.

  Readers adore Roarke. As Nina-Mary writes, “What woman doesn’t want a man who accepts her as she is, and confronts and understands her demons.” R.J. says that “If Roarke only did one thing to make me love him, it would be how he holds Eve after she has a nightmare. Eve will take solace in his arms for just the bare minimum of time, until she is just barely under control, and then she pulls away. But Roarke doesn’t let her go! He continues to hold on to Eve until she is calm, but also until he himself is calm. He absolutely, 100 percent needs Eve; without her, he is empty.”

  R.J. also points out one of Roarke’s most appealing factors—he changes his life and his motivations because of Eve: “Roarke also makes a similar transformation from being the big man on the opposite side of the law from his love to helping his love who stands firmly on and for the law. The reformed man is seductive, but only when the man makes the choice to change for his love, not when the partner works so hard to change him. The change is possible when the love he has for his partner is stronger than the desire to thieve, when he loves her/him more than he loves his previous life.”

  What is noteworthy about Roarke and also Miles Vorkosigan is that they are heroes in ongoing series with each book culminating with a “happy-for-now” ending, not a “happily-ever-after.” The investment on the part of the reader in the slow growth and character development over what could be a few years’ worth of books is definitely true to life in many respects.

  DAVY DEMPSEY AND PHIN

  Faking It and Welcome to Temptation

  By Jennifer Crusie

  Crusie writes great dialogue, and with it men who are smart, confused by women, and yet not eager to embrace any of the stereotypical portrayals of baffled, clueless men. Davy is a con artist, or, as J. B. Hunt says on the website, “a con artist with a heart of gold. Life would never be boring with Davy.” Rudi also likes Davy, in part because she likes the reformed/reforming bad boy, but also because, “I have learnt from my reading that I never really like or trust the bad boy who starts reforming because he’s in love with the girl. He needs to have already taken steps for himself, by himself. Otherwise it seems kind of false and I doubt that it will stick.”

  Phin, the mayor of Temptation, Ohio, is caught between the heroine, Sophie, who is filming a rather impressive racy movie in his town, and the town council, who will pass any ordinance to put a stop to the spicy filmmaking. A reader who goes by Brussel Sprout says that she loves Phin because he’s “witty and observant and resistant and hot, hot, hot. The heroes I love best are observant and powerful. And they have to have integrity. They can make mistakes and cock it up, but deep down, they have to be true to themselves.”

  Part of the charm of Crusie’s heroes, particularly these two, is that they are befuddled and bothered by their emotions and have to navigate that confusion. Crusie’s heroes narrate some of their own stories, so the reader learns about the heroine and the hero in equal measure.

  DAIN

  Lord of Scoundrels

  By Loretta Chase

  Lord of Scoundrels is, as you may have already read, a book used by many of us romance readers to change the minds of those who sniff disdainfully at the genre but are still curious about it enough to try one. Dain, the hero, is a complete nightmare as a person until he meets Jessica, the heroine. As reader Jay puts it, “His snarling self-sufficiency starts to melt at his first contact with Jessica, and despite all of his blustering denial, he is clearly captivated. Watching him realize it and struggle to regain his equilibrium is so satisfying. It is the story of his journey to becoming the hero worthy of Jess’s strength and love.”

  Among the leaders of the Dain Fangirl Club is Candy, the cofounder of Smart Bitches, who loves this book in a million different exclamation-point-strewn ways. When I asked her why she liked Dain so much, she said, “Dain works so well for me because the book opens with his awful childhood. Most heroes with massive asshole streaks (I know that phrase can be read in a completely different way than I meant it, but I’m totally leaving that in there because it makes me laugh) spring from the pages fully-formed, like Minerva from Zeus’s head, except with bigger cocks and more forceful kissing proclivities. But we get to see Dain when he was young and squishy and vulnerable. Proto-Dain isn’t an asshole. Proto-Dain sought love and approval and affection. Adult Dain is what he is because Proto-Dain’s gentler impulses were hammered out of him.

  “I also love Dain because while he’s a massive jerk, he has principles and boundaries…Dain grew into a sensitive man who ultimately had too much empathy and humanity to step over the line into brutality, which so many other romance heroes have.

  “Speaking of sensitivity: another reason why I love Dain so much is that Chase quite clearly shows us, without ever telling us, that Dain is really high-strung underneath his fearsome exterior. When Jessica bothers him and his brain becomes totally disordered and he becomes borderline obsessive, or when he’s confronted by his illegitimate child and all he wants is to get him away as fast as he can? If Dain could see a shrink today, the shrink would probably diagnose him with an anxiety disorder and coax him through some cognitive behavioral ther
apy. Dain’s growth is much more believable and organic because Jessica also behaves convincingly: she consistently confronts him with his irrationality and holds him accountable for his bad behavior, and best of all, Dain eventually learns.

  “And last, but not least, I love Dain because he has a sense of humor, and because he’s funny without necessarily meaning to be. His personal dictionary, for example, in which he categorizes and defines various classes of people? Funny as hell. And the whip-smart, whip-quick banter between him and Jessica still stands as some of my favorite examples of dialogue in any romance novel, ever. Also, while Dain is arrogant, he isn’t self-important and he doesn’t take himself too seriously, which is a refreshing change from other romance heroes, because I think a lot of asshole heroes, especially those from the ’70s, ’80s, and early ’90s, are arrogant because they’re self-important twats.”

  He heard a rustle of movement and a muffled sound somewhere ahead and to his left. His gaze shifted thither. The female whose murmurs he’d heard was bent over a display case of jewelry. The shop was exceedingly ill lit—on purpose, to increase customers’ difficulty in properly evaluating what they were looking at. All Dain could ascertain was that the female wore a blue overgarment of some sort and one of the hideously overdecorated bonnets currently in fashion.

  “I particularly recommend,” he went on, his eyes upon the female, “that you resist the temptation to count if you are contemplating a gift for your chère amie. Women deal in a higher mathematical realm than men, especially when it comes to gifts.”