—EUGENE OLIVER.
Once upon a time there was a poor ole lady and she didn’t have no husband, but she had five children. One day she said: “Well, Lord, I ain’t got no bread for my children to eat.”
So she went out to find some bread for her children to eat. So de children were saying: “My belly ake, my belly shake, I wish I had some cornbread cake.”
—LOUVENIA ENGLISH.
There was a man didn’t know what corn was. So one day he was out walking and one of his friends asted him to dinner. He went in and sat to the table. He had corn for dinner. The man ate all of the corn off the cob and said: “Lady put some more beans on my stick.”
—JOE WILEY.
Me and pa went to church. We started to church one Sunday and pa was late for church and he had a Ford car. He was driving pretty fast at the rate of eight miles a week. So pa went in church and went to sleep. A fat lady got to shouting and jumped in pa’s lap and pa grabbed her around the waist and hollered, “Son, step on the zillerater (accelerator)! I got the steering wheel.”
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
Do you know how come the Amercans are not in war?
No.
Because my father was a farmer. He raised most everything, but only one thing Uncle Sam could use. It was only sweet potatoes sent to France by the train load. But he raised one so big they couldn’t get it in a box car. Had to load it on the flat.
So they sent it on to France and the Kiza (Kaiser) saw it, and he got hongry right then and ast for a piece; and the lutant (lieutenant) heard him and run and told his soldiers: “Hang up the sword and hang up the flag, for the Kiza done ask for peace.”
—WILL HOWARD.
Once there were two men. One was larger than the other. They were traveling one day and they came to a pond of water which was too deep for the small man to cross. So the big man said, “Get on my back an’ I will take you across.”
So the little man did so. While they were in the middle of the stream the little man says, “Gee, yo’ breath stinks like karn (carrion).”
The big man ast him, “Whut you say up dere?”
The little man says, “I says yo’ breath smells like violets.”
As soon as they got across, the little man jumped down and said: “Yo’ breath stinks like a dead horse and I speck yo’ body smells worse.”
—F. BRADLEY.
One time uh man wuz drunk an’ he had uh five gallon demijohn full uh whiskey totin’ it home, an’ he had tuh cross uh fence. De moon wuz shinin’ bright an’ he could see de fence, but he wuz too drunk tuh utilize hisself. When he got on top de fence he fell an’ dropped his jug; but he fell on one side an’ de jug on de other side. He wuz too fur under de weather tuh git up, an’ heard de likker runnin’ out de jug sayin’, “goody, goody, goody.”
He said, “I know yuh good, but I jus’ can’t git tuh you.”
—CLIFFERT ULMER.
Five men want six orders. One order pig ears, one pig foot, one pig tail, one chittlings, two hawg snouts. Tell dat to de cook. Hey cook, git your grease hot, fixing to throw one at you, one walking, one flooping, one switching, snatch one from the rear, two rooting and let her roll.
I want a chocolate cake with icing and jelly roll smeared over the top. Tell dat to the cook. Say, cook, send me a brown-skin lady wid a thin dress on, doing the shinny-she-wobble serving sweet jelly roll.*
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
Once there were two men that would steal. They were rogues. They had done stole everything they could think of. So one day they went to a church. One of the men went up to the pulpit. All he could find was a Bible and the leaves turned and the reading said: “Thou shalt not steal.”
The man called his buddy and said, “Read this.”
So he read it and said, “Oh hell, I’ll steal Thou.”
—CHARLIE BRADLEY.
Once there was a man stole some sheep and they put him in jail. His lawyer told him he could clear him for fifty dollars. Say everything the judge ask him to say “ba-a.”
And the judge asked him was he guilty of stealing sheep and he said, “Baa-aa.”
So the judge said, “He is crazy; take him out of here.”
As he was going out the lawyer asked him for his fifty dollars, and he told him “baa” and went on down the street saying, “Baa, baa.”
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
De police thinks so much of buzzards in Charleston dat one took uh ham sandwich outa my hand, and de police hit me up wid uh blackjack cause I looked lak I didn’t lak it. De street cars turned wrong-side outers to keep from running over one.
—TARRYSON PARLOR.
The Nigger and the goat†
Once they tried a colored man in Mobile for stealing a hog. So he was very poorly dressed and somewhat dirty. So the judge told him, “Six months on the county road, you stink so bad.”
A white man was standing there and he said, “Judge, he don’t stink. I’ve got a nigger who smells worse than a billy goat.” The judge told the man to bring the nigger over so he could smell him.
The next day the man took the billy goat and the nigger to the court house and sent the judge word that he had the nigger and the goat out there and which one did he want first. The judge told him to bring the goat. When he carried the goat in, the goat smelled so bad that the judge fainted. They got ice water and bathed the judge’s face until he revived. Then he told them to bring in the nigger. So when they brought in the nigger, the goat fainted.
—JOE WILEY.
My father had a red silk shirt. He washed it and hung it out to dry so he could have it tuh wear tuh Sunday-school. De billy goat et up de shirt. My daddy got mad and tied de goat on de railroad track so de train could kill him. When he seen dat locomotive bearin’ down on him, de goat coughed up de shirt and waved de train down.
—FLOYD THOMAS.
In de old days when folks was seeking religion they went to a mourning-ground. There was a big ole nigger name Ike used to lead all de mourners to de praying ground.
One right pretty gal wid big legs, she fell under conviction. So Ike didn’t lead her, he thowed her crost his shoulder and toted her on down thew de swamp to ground. It was getting on towards night and he wagged on thew de woods singing:
It’ll take us all night long, baby,
It’ll take us all night long—
Drinking de wine.
He laid her down when he got there and got down on his knees. He was looking from side to side as hard as he could to see who saw ’im whilst he was easing up her dress.
Another man was out there seeking and he spied old Ike. He hollered at ’im, say: “Whut’re you doin there, Ike?”
Ike says: “I ain’t doin a damn thing, but you fixin to go off and tell a damn lie.”
—MACK C. FORD.
De Lying Mule†
A nigger name Sam useter work for a white man dat had a she mule. So he useter clam up on de edge of de crib and go wid de mule. He kept it up, every day, every day.
So one day another man dat could throw his voice caught him at it and he throwed his voice and made out like de mule said “Sam, git down off me and leave me alone, o’ I’m gointer tell de boss on you.”
Sam jumped down off de mule and fastened up his britches and went on up to de house. De white man was sittin on his porch smokin a seegar.
“Now, whut do you want, Sam?”
“Boss, I done heered ’em say dat mule uh yourn kin talk. If she come up here tellin her lies on me, dontcher b’lieve her.”
A man said, “Hey, Sam, did you go tuh de campmeetin’ like you said?”
“Yeah, man, I went.”
“Did you see a pretty girl over dere wid a big pink hat on?”
“Yeah, I seen her.”
“Well, I give her dat hat. Did you see dat swell dress she had on?”
“Yeah, I seen it. Sho was pretty.”
“I give dat tuh her. Did you notice them swell slippers she had on her feet?”
“Yea
h, I seen them, too.”
“Well, I give ’em to her. And look, Sam did she have a fine fat baby in her arms?”
“Sho did.”
“Well, I give dat tuh her, too.”
—DAD BOYKIN.
One time after Jack Johnson and Jeffries fought, my pa said to me: “You hitch my mule to the buggy. I am going down and fight Jack Johnson.”
I said, “Pa, don’t do that. That’s the champion of the world.”
“You hitch my mule to the buggy.”
So down the road we went and we met Jack Johnson. I said: “There he goes now.”
Pa said, “I want to see you, Jack.” So Jack got out of his car and pa got out of his buggy, and there was a fourteen feet wire fence on each side of the road. So pa said, “Jack, I’m going to whip you this morning.” And he begin to motion at Jack Johnson. Jack hit pa a uppercut and knocked him over the fourteen feet fence. So pa got up and come to the fence and said, “Mr. Johnson?”
Jack said, “What is it?”
“Knock my mule and buggy and boy over the fence, please.”
—JOE WILEY.
White Man: Hello, nigger, have you ever called a train?
Nigger: Yep, Cap, dass all I ever done. I mean nuthin but call trains.
(The train is coming and the nigger goes to the waiting room door.) Says he, “Hey, you fellows in dar, you better gitcher ticket if you gwine anywhar, cause dat train out dar gwine each an’ everywhere. That’s all.”
—MARY DASH.
Geechies sho do love gold teeth. One time uh geechy married uh girl an’ went off tuh work, an’ she had uh baby whilst he wuz gone. When she wrote ’im de baby wuz born he come home right away tuh see if de youngun wuz his. He come in de house an’ went straight tuh de bed an’ looked at de baby. First thing he did wuz tuh open de baby’s mouf an’ look, den he says: “Dat ain’t my baby. Naw, sir! Dat ain’t no child uh mine.”
Jus’ like all de geechs he had uh mouf full uh gold teeth an’ he looked at de baby agin. His wife said yes dat wuz his baby, too, an’ wuz jus’ like ’im. Everybody who wuz sittin’ there said so, too; but he wouldn’t have it dat way. “Well,” he says, “if dat is my child, where is his gold teeth?”
—CLIFFORD ULMER.
The Mobile Disaster†
Have you heard about the wreck? Dolphin run into Royal Street, skint up St. Francis Street, Conti layin’ at de point of death.
—GEORGE HARRIS.
One day I was going down the road; I was real hungry. I heard something call me, “Hey, Mister, take me,” so I looked around, couldn’t see anything. It called again. I told it to come on. It was a ham of meat. I walked on down the road a piece further after I got the ham. I heard another call. I told it to come—it was a big pan of biscuits. So I walked on down further; I heard something call again, “Hey, take me.” I told it to come on. It was a big can of syrup.
I decided to take lunch.
After I took lunch I got up and started on off. I heard something say, “Hey, Mister, are you a tooth dentist?” I told him no and asked him why. He said, “Oh, I wanted you to work on my wife’s teeth. She wore them off eating grass.”
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
Two niggers went out stealing and they promised when they got thew stealing to meet each other at de forks of the road; and stid of meetin’ his partner, he met de sheriff dere. He hollered, “Hey, Oh partner,” fust and he says, “I beat you stealin’ tonight.”
Sheriff ast him whut did he steal. “I stole uh cow and sold her and I stole a mule an’ sold him, and come by old lady Lan’s and got dat big ole Shanghai rooster.”
De sheriff helt him up and said, “You don’t know who you talkin’ to, do yuh? I am the sheriff.”
Nigger says, “Well, do you know who I am, Mr. Sheriff?” and the sheriff said no. He says “I’m de lyingest nigger you ever met. I ain’t stole nothin.”
—BABY-FACE TURL.
Once it wuz hard times and two men wuz sworn buddies went out tuh hunt. Dey didn’t ketch nothin, but when dey wuz most home dey seen uh deer layin’ down sleep in uh cane patch.
One uh de men said: “Look here, de Lawd done blessed us. Look at dat big fine deer. Less shoot ’im.”
De other said, “All right, but first less we ’vide ’im up.”
“All right, I’ll take one uh de hindquarters an’ you take de other.”
“Dat’s all right wid me. Now I’m gointer give my wife’s folks one front quarter.”
“It’s all right wid me; an I’m gointer give my uncle on my ole man’s side uh front quarter.”
“Dat’s good, an’we kin sell de head tuh ole man Tody an’make uh stew outa de heart an’ lights. Now who gointer git de liver?”
“I’ll tell you whut! Less give it tuh my sister’s husband.”
“Naw indeed, he done me outa uh fat shoat one time an’ I ain’t had no use fur ’im since. Less we give it tuh de preacher.”
“Naw, I wouldn’t give ’im air if he wuz stopped up in uh jug. I caught ’im kissin’ my side gal. Less give it tuh my nevvy (nephew).”
“Naw, I won’t ’gree tuh dat neither. Whut’s de matter wid you—always tryin’ tuh git de big end uh things fuh yo’ folks? Naw! naw! I mean NAW!! I’ll fight yuh first.”
Jus’ den de deer heard ’im an’ jumped up an’ run off faster than de word uh God an’ nobody didn’t git de liver.
—JAMES PRESLEY.
Once there was an old man and an old woman who lived out in the woods. One day the old woman said to the old man. “Old man, what would you do if a bear would come?”
“I would take my gun and shoot his head off.”
So after while a big grizzle bear came up in the yard. The old man jumped up and ran up in the lauf (loft), the old woman took the gun and killed the bear—then she called up to the old man: “Old man, old man, come on down. I done killed the bear.”
The old man said: “The doggone bear done made me so mad that I messed all over myself. Bring me some more rags up here.”
—ED MORRIS.
Man & De Lion†
One day a man was riding uh horse down de road. He had him a shotgun an’ uh pistol an’ uh razor. He met uh bear an’ de bear says tuh ’im, “Wait uh minute. They tell me dat you goin’ round tellin’ folks dat youse de king uh de world.”
Man said, “Thass right. Don’t you b’lieve it?”
“Naw, I don’t b’lieve it. Git down and fight.”
They went tuh fightin’ an’ de bear begin tuh squeeze an’ squeeze, an’ so de man knowed he couldn’t stand dat long; so he out wid his razor and cut de bear in de side—cut ’im deep, too. De bear turnt loose and drug off in de bushes tuh try tuh git well. De man went on down de road.
De lion smelt de blood and come found de bear where he was layin’ in de bushes and started tuh eat ’im. De bear hollered, “A-aw, Brother Lion, don’t tetch me, please. Ah’m so sore I don’t know whut to do. I met de king uh de world and he done cut me all up so Ah’m ’bout tuh die.”
De lion roared at ’im. “Don’t you lay dere an’ tell me you done met de king uh de world when you ain’t met me! Ah’m de king uh de world an’ ever’body knows it! Arr-rr-rrr I got a good mind tuh tear yuh tuh pieces.”
“Aw, Brother Lion, don’t tetch me, please. If you hadda seen ’im you would of said he was de king, too.”
“Where is he at? Jus’ lemme see ’im an’Ah’ll show him who is king uh de world.”
“Well, you jus’ set down here and wait awhile and he’ll come long and you kin meet ’im.”
So de lion set dere. After while he saw a old man comin’ down de road. He jumped up and got ready. “Is dat him, Brother Bear?”
“Naw, dat’s uh uster-be. Jus’ wait uh lil while mo’.”
After while a lil boy come down de road. De lion jumped up again and got ready tuh fight. “Is dat him?”
“Naw, dat’s uh gointer-be. He’ll be long here tureckly.”
After while here come de man
ridin’ down de road. “Thass him! Thass him, Lion! Here he come!”
De lion jumped up and give his tail uh coupla cracks and run out in de middle of de road and got right in front de man. He hollered, “Hold on dere! They tell me you goin’ round strowin’ it youse de king uh de world?”
“I am, don’t you b’lieve it?”
“Naw, come on let’s fight.”
De man didn’t git down off his horse dis time—he jus’ up wid his shotgun and let de lion have one barrel right in de face. That was too much for de lion. He wheeled tuh run. De man let him have de other barrel under his tail. De lion made it into de woods to where de bear was and tole ’im, say, “Move over dere an’ give me uh place tuh lay down dere. I done met de king uh de world, I know it.”
Bear ast ’im, “How did you know it, Lion?”
“Cause he made de lightning in my face and thunder in my hind parts…So I know I done met de king.”
—LOUIS CROOMS.
De Animal Congress†
De elephant an’ de monkey an’ de wolf an’ several other beasts had uh convention to find out which wuz de ugliest animal, and they said de one dat wuz voted de ugliest had tuh go tuh de well an’ bring uh pail uh water. De monkey got up an’ got de water bucket an’ said: “I’ll go git de water distime, but I don’t crack.” (He means to say he doesn’t joke about personal appearances.)
—JAMES PRESLEY.
Every Friday all the mocking birds go to hell to carry a grain of sand to put out the fire; that is why no one ever hears a mocking bird sing on Friday.
—BERTHA ALLEN.
We wuz upon uh terbaccer truck goin’ after terbaccer plants. When we wuz goin’ we seen uh goat justa chewin’; when we come on back he wuz still chewin’ an he ast us: “Whose truck is dat?”
Every Tongue Got to Confess: Negro Folk-Tales From the Gulf States Page 17