by Sade Rena
The horses need feeding, and we could use a drink ourselves. We tie the animals to the post and prepare to exit the enclosure. I’m the last to leave as I take my time tending to Harley. I check my phone, hoping to find a note from Renee, but there’s nothing. It’s a twenty to thirty-minute drive to the next town, and depending on how much she has to get done, it can be a while for her to make it here.
We’re well into the afternoon, and the sun is at its highest peak, beaming down on us with no mercy. I stuff my phone back into my pocket, tie Harley in place, feed him an apple, and place a pale of water in front of him. As I lock the gate, there’s a tap on my shoulder. I can’t stop the smile that forms. She’s here like she said she would be.
I don’t mean to, but my lips contort into a frown. “Madison.”
“Hi, Parker.” Her breathing is labored, and her voice low.
I glance around, confused she’s here. “What—when did you get home?”
Madison looks to the ground, fiddling with her fingers. “I’ve been back a few weeks now. We’re on summer break, and daddy needed help.”
I huff.
“Can we talk?” she asks with her brows raised.
I dart my gaze from left to right, not in search of anything particular. My only hope is when I look straight ahead again, the woman who broke my heart wouldn’t be standing here. But there’s no such luck. Here she is with her shoulder slumped and regret in her eyes.
“What ya want to talk about, Madison?” My tone is sharp and stern.
She looks around. “Is there somewhere private?”
I blow out a breath and squeeze the top of my hat. Chance and Charlie are heading toward the concession stands, leaving me and her alone.
“We can go to the stables.” I shrug with my hands at my sides.
She nods and turns, waiting for me to lead the way. When we reach the area we’ll be storing the animals; I stop in the middle of the open breezeway. She comes around me, positioning us both with our backs to either entry point. Madison stares at the ground, and I can tell she doesn’t know where to start. The last time she was here, she ripped my heart from my chest. I can’t imagine what she has to say now.
“What’s going on?” I sigh.
Madison looks at me, fear lining her eyes. Her throat bobs from the hard swallow she takes. “I miss you.”
She waits for a response, but I don’t have one. Deep down, something told me she would say those words, but even with that intuition, I don’t know how to answer her. I glance away, not wanting her to see the doubt on my face.
“Did you hear me?” She cranes her neck, searching for a reply.
“You’ve been gone. Over a year, Madison.” I shrug.
“I’m sorry, I made a mistake, Parker. I want back what we had.”
I scoff.
Madison examines my face, hope written all over hers. “Can we at least try?”
“Ya can’t show up here all this time later. Ya can’t tell me you want to be with other people and expect to jump right back to the way things were,” I bark.
There’s a tightness in my chest as the weight of her words that night crash into memory. Things were great for us. We even spoke about getting married as soon as she finished college. But somewhere between when we made that agreement and her first semester, something changed. Something caused her to doubt what we had and made her change her mind about us—about me.
The feel on her hand on mine pulls me back to the moment. She stares, pleading for me to say anything. What do you say to the girl who broke your heart? I blow out a sharp breath before taking my hat off and letting it hang down by my side.
“I know that. Don’t you think I do?” she cries.
“I don’t know what to think. We were solid. We had plans. But you threw it all away. And for what? A few months of fun with some frat boy?” I ask with my shoulders to my ears.
“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t go to school expecting to hurt you.” She pauses. “I-I was just in a bad place. You’ve been in bad places before. Like when your dad got sick that one time.”
“The two situations don’t even compare, and you know damn well they don’t,” I seethe. I look away to keep from blowing up on her. “What you want from me, Madison,” I glare at her.
She sighs. “I want you to say you still love me.”
I hesitate, my words lodged in my throat. My palms are sweating, and my temperature rises. This can’t be happening. Not when I’ve finally moved on with my life. Not when I’ve found Renee.
Madison cups my cheek, and before I realize it, she’s close—so close, I smell the cherry slushie on her breath. I close my eyes, praying that when I open them again, this will have been a bad dream. I’ll wake up in my bed, alone and ready to start my day. In what feels like a nanosecond, her lips are on mine. I don’t budge, her actions freezing every muscle in my body. After a beat, I gather myself. My shoulders shudder as I build the courage to stop her.
“You can’t do that.”
She drops her hands while looking to the ground. Devastation rips through her features, and even though she’s had my heart, I feel no remorse. She made her choice, and it wasn’t me.
“You should leave,” I add and walk away.
I sigh in relief, still unable to believe what transpired. Did she think it would be that easy? Or did she expect me to be here still pining over her?
I dig into my pocket for my phone. Renee’s name flashes on my screen. Replacing my hat to my head, I open the message, eager to see what she sent. I’m grateful she’ll be here soon, I need her calming energy and support right now. My heart pumps faster when her words dance out at me:
Renee: I’m here *winky face emoji*.
I rush to the exit, glancing toward my station. There’s a line already forming, but I can’t place her anywhere. I dart my gaze to the left, searching for her smile in the crowd.
Me: Where are you? I don’t see you.
I send the note and tap my fingers along the underside of my phone.
I continue to look for her while waiting for her to respond. I sigh and type out a second reply:
Me: Are you sure you’re on the right side? I’m stationed off the exit on the left. Walk past the ticket booth and the first three booths and turn right, I’ll be waiting for you.
I stare at the screen, but Renee never answers me. When she doesn’t, I hurry to the center of the walkway to find her. It takes me a second, but I spot her, walking away from the fair.
“Renee?” I call out.
She keeps moving, not bothering to turn around. She’s watching the ground with her shoulders hung low. I squint out of confusion and prepare to send her another message. I barely type the first word when my name is called from behind me.
“I’m ready for another ride, Mr. Parker.”
I turn to find a grinning Dahlia waiting for me. Forcing a smile, I glance over my shoulder before allowing her to take my hand and pull me back to work. I stuff my phone in my pocket and collect my nerves to do what I came here to do. But no matter how busy I get, I can’t keep my mind from wandering to Renee and why she left without a goodbye.
Chapter Twenty
Renee
My car door slams right along with my heart. I slump in my seat, fighting with myself to keep it together.
You can deal with this.
Tears threaten to run rampant, but I won’t let them. I shiver away my emotions and place my hand on the wheel. My fingers tighten around the rounded steel. I choke on my breath, my body shuddering while I struggle not to cave.
A horn honks in the distance, and I jump, dropping my phone to the floor on the passenger side. I reach for it and toss the device in the seat. I sigh and start my car, awaiting my chance to pull off.
Everything around me fades as pressure builds in my ear, leaving a dull humming behind. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known this would happen. The moment we ran into Madison at the store, I knew things would soon end with Parker.
I sniffle and wipe my nose on the back of my hand. The fairground is on the edge of town, so it’ll take me all of twenty minutes to get home. The sun has gone down, but there’s a subtle breeze. My shoulders rattle as I compel my tension to leave with the wind.
“I wanted to believe he was different.” I chuckle and frown. My eyes sting from the pressure of holding back my cries. “I told Leah,” I say, my voice growing hoarse.
Breathe, Renee. It’s okay. It’s not the first time someone let me down. Of course, he’ll choose his first love.
“It was only a fling.” I try to convince myself.
My phone flashes a second before my ringtone comes blaring through the Bluetooth speaker. From muscle memory, I reach to end the call. No matter who it is, I’m not in the mood to talk. I don’t dare look, because I fear Parker’s name will appear on the dashboard.
I lose focus for a brief second and swerve back into my lane. With my mind distracted, I press the screen, not expecting to hear a voice through my sound system. I flinch at the raspy and familiar tone.
“So, we’re never going to speak again?” There’s a soft chuckle at the end of his statement.
Everything comes crashing in, hitting me like a tsunami. All the heart torturing memories I buried when I moved across the country, consumes me. I can’t stop the tears from wrecking through me. I lose myself to a ripple of breaths and heaves as my ex’s question linger mid-air.
Mother nature must be on her cycle; that’s the only thing that justifies the day I’m having. In only minutes, my heart shatters when Parker kissed his high school sweetheart and ground in the dirt by my past.
“You’re just going to hold the phone, Renee? How the fuck you get to Texas?” he asks sarcastically.
“We have nothing to talk about.” I retort.
“What do you mean? We were getting married. We should be able to talk things over and get back to us.”
“Us wasn’t a factor when you were cheating on me, Phil.” I pause and sniffle.
“I know. Baby, trust me, I know. I’m so sorry, and I love you. We’ve been through the worst. Come home.”
“What’s worse than finding out months before your wedding your fiancé has a secret life?”
“Baby, I apologize,” his voice raises a level. “She meant nothing to me. How many times do I have to say the same thing? I made a mistake. People do that. And if you love me, you’ll forgive me and come back home.”
“You don’t get it. You can’t give me some weak ass apology and expect me to forget everything. We’ve had our problems, and for years I told myself that my love for you trumps everything. But it doesn’t trump this. You didn’t choose me, Phil-”
“What are you talking about? I proposed to you. I’m on the phone with you,” he cuts me off.
At the same time as his pleas, I finish my thought. “But I will.” My voice cracks. “You can go to hell and never call me again.”
I smack the touchscreen to end the call. My shoulders shake from the steady surging of pent up hurt and frustration. I should be enjoying the fair, eating funnel cakes, and greasy processed meats, not rushing home to consume my weight in wine.
I pull into my driveway, barely parking before I’m out of it. The silence surrounding me is overwhelming, and I can’t wait to get inside. I fumble with the key, my hands shaking while I try to unlock my front door. With my eyes squeezed shut, I draw in a breath, willing my nerves to settle.
The door gives way, and I burst through it. My shoes fly in different directions when I kick them off and trudge weightlessly into the kitchen.
I jerk open the freezer and snatch the container of ice cream and a bottle of wine from the refrigerator. The sound of metal clinking together when I dig a spoon from the drawer replaces the quiet. And when I make it back to the living room, my sofa swallows me whole, comforting me and nursing my invisible wounds. With my ice cream in my lap, I untwist the cap on my wine and drink straight from the bottle.
I lose track of time, and before long, hours have passed. I’ve finished an entire carton of ice cream and am halfway done with my second bottle. All while watching reruns of The Vampire Diaries for the hundredth time. My face is stiff from the tears, and my voice no longer exists. Dehydration hits, but instead of consuming water like a normal person, I fill myself with more wine.
I wipe away any remnants of wine from my mouth. My lips are chapped and brittle, so I can only imagine what my face looks like all together. I said I wouldn’t do this to myself. There will be no more sitting at home, crying over a guy, and devouring large quantities of dairy and alcohol.
As if on cue, my stomach roars as a pain pierces my back. “Oh, goodness,” I blurt and swallow away my nausea.
I stand to throw away my trash and return the rest of the wine to the fridge—my balance wavers, causing me to sway from side to side. Bile builds in my throat, and I pace myself. It passes, and I inhale while stumbling back over to my couch. I’m folding my throw blanket when there’s a knock at my door.
My body stiffens from the unexpected visitor, and my heart pumps a million miles a minute. I want to ignore it, throw the whole day out the window and start over in the morning. And like in the car, muscle memory takes the lead. I swing the door opening, and my soul leaps from me.
His hands are holding the frame. “Are you okay? Why did you leave?” Parker asks the moment he sees me. Concern lines his features and takes a step toward me.
I sway a little, but use the knob for support. “I-I saw you kissing, Madison.” The words spill out of me, each syllable tasting sour.
I hiccup while staring at him through a blurred vision. Regret and something else I can’t make out forms in Parker’s eyes. I’m about to ask him to leave, but I dry heave instead. He reaches for me but pauses. I can sense how much he wants to console me, but the confusion in his eyes says he’s not sure if he should.
“Renee—It’s—”
He doesn’t get the chance to finish because out of nowhere, I huddle over, emptying my stomach contents all over his cowboy boots.
When I wake the next morning, I’m lying underneath my covers and not in the clothes I had on. The last thing I remember is mixing dairy and wine, a combination I hate myself for at this moment. I fight to recall the events of last night after drinking away my feelings. It all comes rushing back to me, and I close my eyes, regretting it all and realizing I have puke to clean up.
Snatching my robe off the back of the door, I wrap it around my body. My shoulders hunch as I exit my room and descend the stairs. The aroma of bleach and Pine-Sol fills my lungs. I frown in confusion because I’m sure I didn’t clear the mess.
Was I that damn drunk that I blacked out?
I reach the bottom, and when I turn to enter my living room, I spot a pair of feet hanging over the arm of my sofa. Parker jumps up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes while yawning. My stomach knots as tension rip into me.
“Good morning. How are you?” His voice is more profound than usual.
I have no words. Well, I do, but they aren’t forming the way I need them to. Instead of forcing it, I hurry into the kitchen. My head is hurting, and I still haven’t come to terms with my emotions. So, coffee first. Anything to coat my stomach and end this throbbing headache.
From my peripheral, I notice him standing, fumbling with the throw blanket. A second later, he’s behind me, calling out my name. My coffee finishes brewing, and I open my cabinets for sugar. When I walk to the fridge for creamer, he pleads for my attention once more.
“Renee. Talk to me.”
I sigh with my eyes closed, still holding onto the refrigerator. “Parker.” My back is to him, but I feel his presence, anyway. “My head is throbbing, and my stomach hurts. I’m not really up to talking.”
Parker rubs my shoulders. “I didn’t ask her to come,” he states.
I smirk. “This is her hometown; why wouldn’t she have?”
With my lips pressed together, I continue to mix my co
ffee. Pulling a spoon from the drawer, I use it to stir my drink before resting my tailbone against the counter.
“She wasn’t there for me, not because I wanted her to be. I ain’t even know she was back,” he inches closer, his shoulders hanging low.
“It looked that way. And you kissed her, Parker,” I shrug and bring my mug to my lips.
“No. She kissed me, and I pushed her away.”
“Look, we had fun. I like you, but seeing you with Madison reminds me this all happened by chance. There are clearly things you need to work out.”
“Don’t do that.” He’s next to me now, reaching for my hand, but I decline. “I know what I feel for you, and that doesn’t change because she popped up. Don’t make it like we haven’t started building something,” he continues.
“We’ve had such an amazing time these past few weeks, and I don’t doubt your attraction or actions towards me. But I can’t pretend I don’t notice the pain in your eyes when she’s mentioned or the love that lingered in that kiss you shared yesterday. I’ve been through enough relationships and heartache to realize when the door hasn’t fully closed.”
Parker frowns with his arms out at his sides. “She left me. The door closed there.”
His tone is stern, and I see deep down he wants—need me to believe him. And lord knows I want to. I want to think it’s all in the past and that for once, someone chooses me. But I’ve loved another the way he loved her. You don’t spend all those years together for things just to fade. They may have fallen out of love with you, but it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving them.
“She left you, not the other way around. You weren’t done loving her, Parker.”
He lowers his gaze to his feet and releases a breath—one filled with pain and frustration. No matter how hard he tries to convince himself, the nostalgia, the hurt remains in his eyes.