My Virgin Cowboy

by Sade Rena

  “I don’t fucking want him. I returned his ring and meant it. But he was right. You can’t just wash away all the years, all the memories, and emotions you have when you’ve been with someone for a long time. Especially if you weren’t the one who outgrew loving that person.”

  She gives me a sympathetic grin.

  “Anyway, after hanging up on Phil, I went home, drank two bottles of wine, and consumed an entire container of ice cream.”

  “Ooo,” she adds with her nose scrunched and lips forming a pout.

  “Exactly.” I chuckle. “Parker came to find out what happened and why I left without speaking. Drunk me blurted out that I saw him kissing his ex—right before puking all over his boots.”

  “No way.”

  “Yup. It happened. The next morning, we talked, and I asked him if he felt he was able to say he was no longer in love with her. He couldn’t answer.”

  “Damn it, Parker,” she mutters.

  “So, I suggested he figure out what he wants. That was a little over two weeks ago, and they were here together yesterday.”

  “Aw babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t even notice anything between them yesterday. And I wish you would have told me; I would never have made you come help, had I known.”

  I wave her off. “It’s fine. It was Denton’s birthday, and you needed me. Besides, he’s too young for me, anyway. He’s still at the age where he’s figuring out who he is, and I’m at a point where marriage is the next step for me. Granted, I’m not looking to jump the broom next month, but when I date again, I’m not doing it for thrills. I want a family, and he’s got plenty of time ahead of him to be settling.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t discount yourself or what you two had. He wouldn’t be settling and get off his age already. I think he’s proven to you he’s mature beyond his years. Have you told him you have feelings for him?”

  I drop my gaze, letting the reaction serve as my answer.

  “You should tell him. I bet it’ll make a hell of a difference in the way things are playing out right now.”

  My eyes sting as tears threaten to fall. I blink them away and look to the ceiling. “For what?” My voice cracks, and I shrug. “To put myself out there to be let down again? I shouldn’t have to fight. I’m tired of fighting. Can’t somebody just choose me—the first time?”

  “You’re projecting. Your past relationships are just that. Your past—aka, not meant to be. You can’t let those disappointments carry into every new situation. Phil fucked up, that’s on him and has nothing to do with you. Despite all the filthy words he said when you caught him, that’s his issue. You wouldn’t be fighting with Parker; you’d just be putting it out there.”

  “He’s already made his choice.” I hold my hands out at my side.

  “We don’t-” Leah stops mid-speech, her focus on something behind me.

  I turn to see what’s stolen her attention, and my heart freezes. My fingers twitch when I make eye contact with Parker, and it doesn’t help that he’s standing there in nothing but pajama bottoms. His hair is a floppy mess, and there’s still sleep in the corners of his eyes.

  “Oh.” He pauses. “I didn’t know anyone was here.”

  The stiffness in Leah’s back shows she’s tensed too. “I wanted to get an early start on cleaning up. We thought you were at work already,” she admits.

  “Hungover, so I’m running late.” Parker keeps his gaze fixed on me.

  Leah stares between us.

  “Good Mornin’, Renee. It’s good to see ya.” He addresses me.

  I swallow and lick my lips. “Hi.” My tone is low, hoarse—hopeful.

  He’s about to take a step toward me, and I move back. But he’s interrupted when someone calls his name in the distance.

  “Parker. Where are you?” A female voice coos.

  We all face the den as Madison turns the curve.

  I cough. Not because I’m sick, but because seeing her there, wearing a shirt that clearly belongs to him and nothing else, sucks away all the oxygen in the room. It drapes over her, falling off her shoulder, and is how I know it’s his. He’s tall with broad shoulders; her petite frame will never fill in the material that’s fitted just for him.

  “Oh. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” Madison says when she spots us. She slows her strides but continues forward, unfazed that she’s half-naked in front of us.

  I saunter over to where my purse sits and grab it. “I’ma go. Leah, I’ll talk to you later.” I announce. I can’t be here, not with the two of them showing off their obvious reconnection.

  “Wait,” Parker says.

  I keep going because if I stop, my emotions will get the best of me. That can’t happen. I’ve done enough crying over men and won’t give another one the satisfaction of seeing me upset. The patter of feet on the tile floor sounds off behind me. I speed up, wanting to get out of here as fast as possible.

  I’m out the door and a few feet from my car when his brawny hand grips my elbow. My body shutters, and I have to blink to keep my composure.

  “Please wait.”

  I do, my shoulders slumping as I turn to him.

  “Renee, I’m so sorry. I never—”

  “It’s fine. You don’t owe me an explanation.” I clear my throat. “Actually, it’s good you’re here.” I pause and remove one strap of my purse from my shoulder to dig inside.

  I take a second, but I find what I’m looking for. It’s crumbled, and there’s a small stain from the chocolate bar I left in my bag, but it’s still valid. I return my strap, holding it in place while shifting on my legs.

  My stomach churns, but I push forward anyway. “H—here. I meant to give you this.”

  I inch it forward, encouraging him to hurry and take it so I can get away from here, away from him.

  He’s slow to accept it, all the while never taking his eyes off me. “What’s this?” He looks down with confusion lining his face.

  “I got my advance early. So, it’s payment for your work on my house. I even included extra so you can pay the guys for helping.”

  “I didn’t want you to pay me.” His face goes slack while the rest of his body remains still.

  “Just take it—please,” I request.

  He drops his hand to his side. I can see the longing he has to say more, but I don’t stick around to find out what.

  I pivot on my heels, only to glance at him one last time, and suck in a breath. “Thank you for everything.” With that, I head for my vehicle.

  “Renee, please, let’s talk.”

  “It’s fine, really. This is for the best.” I rush to the driver’s side of my car and hop inside. My fingers shake as I start my engine and pull away, leaving him and his home in my rearview.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Parker

  A void forms in my chest as I watch her taillights disappear from my driveway. I rake a hand through my hair, gripping a fist full in disbelief.

  “Fuck,” I shout and push a growl from the pit of my stomach.

  Every limb tingles as I fawn over her leaving. Not like this. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. When did it all go south, when did she lose trust in what we had? It’s a jacked-up situation, but she said I should figure out what I wanted. Instead, she ends it without knowing what I feel inside.

  When I can no longer withstand the heat from the pavement on my bare feet, I return to the house; my shoulders hanging low. I approach the kitchen, Leah’s voice distracting me from what just transpired with Renee.

  “You need to go put some clothes on. Just because his parents aren’t here doesn’t make it okay to walk around the house half-naked. It’s disrespectful.” She says firmly.

  Madison directs her gaze to me when I step past the threshold. She doesn’t say a word but watches me as if she’s waiting for me to come to her defense. I pinch the bridge of my nose and drop my sights to the floor.

  “Madison, you should get dressed and leave,” I request.

  She opens her m
outh but closes it again. My guess is she’s determined debating with either of us wouldn’t be a fruitful use of time. Madison turns and trudges back the way she came. Her footsteps echo through the halls until she’s reached the top of the stairs where there’s carpet.

  I glance at Leah, who’s passing me a look that could kill.

  “If you weren’t my brother-in-law, I’d kick you in your knee caps,” she seethes.

  “It’s not like that,” I defend.

  “I don’t care what it’s like, Renee’s my friend, you don’t hurt her.” She frowns.

  “That’s never been my intention. It doesn’t matter though; she’s got it in her head Madison and I are together again.”

  “Are you?”

  “No, I wasn’t even aware she was in town.” I shrug. “And Renee thinks I have some soul searching to do regarding Madison.”

  “It looks like she’s right, Parker. It’s not my business, but you couldn’t have waited a little longer before jumping into bed with her? Can you imagine what’s going through Renee’s head right now? You were just intimate with her not too long ago.”

  “I didn’t bed, Madison.”

  “Then why is she walking around here in your t-shirt?”

  “I don’t know why she has my shirt on, but I ain’t sleep with her. I wouldn’t do that. Madison got way too drunk last night, and so did I. So, I let her take my bed, and I slept in Denton’s old room. She must have grabbed the shirt from my drawer.”

  Leah swats me with the hand towel. “Fool. Fix it then.”

  “I tried—she’s done. She even wrote me a check.” I hold up the crumpled piece of paper Renee handed me moments ago. “This is her closure.” I stare at the floor. “She knows money was the last thing I wanted from her.”

  Leah sighs. “Well, I’ll give you some privacy to deal with that.” She waves a hand toward my bedroom.

  I nod.

  Madison returns a few minutes later, now dressed in the clothes she arrived in yesterday. I’m still in the kitchen, sipping coffee from a mug with my tail bone pressed into the counter. Neither of us speaks right away, but we need to. I ain’t said much to her since she showed up and kissed me that day. Even with Renee’s blessing to figure out what I want, I hadn’t the desire to seek Madison out.

  I should have known then what to do, but I got in my head. I started questioning everything, wondering if Renee was right. If deep down, despite how close she and I had grown, I still loved Madison. She’s the first girl I ever gave my heart to; my first kiss, my first date. And there was a time when I thought we’d be forever.

  But that’s no more.

  “Listen. Sorry about earlier.” Madison breaks the silence. “I’ont know what I was thinkin’ comin’ down here like that. We were the only ones here last night, and I guess I just assumed it would be that way this morning. I didn’t mean to make Leah and her friend uncomfortable.”

  I nod and sit my cup in the sink before using my eyes to ask if she’d like some. She signals yes, and I get a clean mug from the cupboard. I pop a K-Cup in the machine and start the brew. We continue in silence while we wait for her drink to finish. When it does, I prepare it the way she likes: two creams and a mountain of sugar.

  “Thank you.” She takes the piping hot mug and blows on it.

  “You’re welcome,” I say while sliding away from her, my hands resting on the granite surface.

  She sips her coffee, staring at me over the rim. “Why are ya all the way over there?” Madison reaches out to stroke my knuckles.

  I pull away, pinching the space between my eyes while biting the inside of my left cheek. “Listen.” My chest heaves. “I know ya wanna fix things.” I pause at the tightness around my lungs. “I’m sorry.”

  She crosses the floor to close the gap between us, but I back away. She swallows her words, frowning instead.

  “Um.” She blinks. “You don’t wanna be together again?”

  With my head hung low, I dart my eyes to her and shake my head. She squeezes her lids closed.

  “I hurt you, and I can’t deny that. But we love each other. We have our entire lives, just about.”

  “We loved each other. You left—”

  “But I’m here now.” She cuts in.

  “And I’ve moved on.”

  I stare at her, witnessing the weight of my words crashing into her. It hurts I can’t give her what she’s looking for, but I’d be lying to us both if I pretended it’s what I wanted.

  “I didn’t look forward to this day. It crushed me when you went away. But you decided you needed to find yourself, without me in the picture. Well, I had to do that too. It may not have been my choice, but it quickly became my reality.”

  She turns away to hide the tears forming, but it’s too late, I’d seen them all along.

  “Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it shows ya that a phase has run its course. I’m sorry ya thought I would be here waiting for you. But it’s best you understand now that I can’t be with you.”

  She chokes up. “Are you seeing someone else? Do you need more time? I—I can wait.”

  I shake my head. “Shouldn’t have to. You deserve to be with the person you want when you want to be with them. Not later, not on their time. But yes, I’m with someone else.”

  She stiffens. “Oh. Do I know her?”

  I sigh, I’m not sure why she asked, but I get it. When she wanted to break up, I assumed there was another guy and wondered who he was.

  “Not personally, but you’ve met her.”

  She closes her eyes again. “It’s Leah’s friend, isn’t it? I saw the way you two looked at each other last night and again a few minutes ago.”

  “Yes.”

  She shrugs with her face contorted, and her voice altered by the continuous threat of tears. “Does she at least make you happy?”

  I nod, and so does she.

  “Okay.” She swallows. “I’ll go. Sorry if I messed things up for you.”

  I don’t respond, but I allow relief to flood through me. I don’t hate Madison, and a part of me will always have her in my heart. But she doesn’t have my heart and hasn’t since the moment I met Renee.

  She shuffles around as if she’s unsure of what to do with herself. I glance away, not wanting to make things any more awkward for her than they already are. Once she’s gathered herself, she approaches me and lifts on her toes to kiss my cheek.

  “Bye, Parker.”

  “Madison,” I say, and she looks at me. “There’s no resentment between us, and there’s no reason we can’t be friends.”

  She gives me a soft smile. “You’ve always been great that way. I’ll see you around.”

  “You too.”

  She exits the kitchen, and a few moments later, the front door slams shut. I release a grateful breath and take the mug she had to place it in the sink. Things could have been different with her. A part of me believed she wouldn’t receive the news well and would freak out or something. But I’m grateful she didn’t. I can’t help but wonder if she sensed things would never return to the way they were, and she was just hanging on, hoping it’ll change.

  The door creaks open in the distance, and a few seconds later, Leah reenters from the mudroom.

  “I saw that she left. How’d it go?” she asks.

  “I told her I couldn’t be with her.”

  “Did she accept that?”

  My eyes grow wide, and I breathe in. “Yeah. It took her a second, but she did.”

  “Good. Now, what about Renee?”

  I fix my mouth to answer her, but nothing comes out. The truth is, I have no idea. I’m sure she’s who I want, but I’m not so confident Renee still feels the same about me. The look in her eyes when she handed me that check, it crushed me.

  She’s over me.

  I messed that up. But I won’t lie and say I’m not pissed; she hasn’t really given me the chance to explain myself. Her ex-fiancé hurt her, and the wounds are still fresh. She
doesn’t always show it, but I can tell. I can tell by the apprehension she had when I asked her out. It was even in her body language the day we met.

  Leah touches my shoulder. “Just call her.”

  I nod. “Okay. I will, after work. I’m sure Denton’s cussing me out right about now.”

  She laughs. “You know he is.”

  Leah pats me on the back before leaving me alone. I don’t know where to begin, but Leah’s right. Talking to Renee is the only way to get her to see how much I care for her.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Parker

  I shake the paint can before pouring some into the tray. It’s been two weeks since I’ve cut things off with Madison, and every day since then, I’ve called and texted Renee, but to no avail.

  She’s really done with me.

  To accept that hurts worse than when Chance dared me to allow Harley to kick me.

  I struggled to believe we’d gotten to this point, especially after how far we’d gone in our relationship. We never gave it a title, but that’s what it was. I was hers, and she was mine. It was electrifying. And no matter what anyone thinks, I’ve never had that kind of spark with Madison.

  With Renee, it’s different. It’s eye-opening, it’s nurturing, passionate and so much more. That’s how I know we’ve found it—the thing people sometimes spend a lifetime searching to find. But instead of living in it with each other, I’m here alone.

  To clear my mind from everything, I’ve buried myself in finishing up my cottage. Right after she told me I should figure it out, I committed myself to this project. There’s nothing impeding me now. Not that being with Renee was a distraction, but when I had her, this house and my timeline to get it done were the furthest from my mind.

  Being apart from Renee this last month has left me with a lot of time on my hands. There wasn’t much more to do, to begin with, but there’s no excuse now. Besides, my parents’ vacation ends tomorrow. They’ll be home after being gone the entire summer. I guess that’s the one upside to all of this. Though I’ve missed my parents, I’ve grown accustomed to the privacy I had without them around, and I wanna keep that. It also helps that my boys came through for me yet again. All that’s left at this point is to paint this last wall.