by Bill Eddy
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9: 10 Common Mistakes with High- Conflict Politicians 123
manipulated the primary process against the progressive candidate, Bernie
Sanders. As described in Chapter 8, if they had stopped fighting earlier, they
might have been able to beat Donald Trump.
It appears essential for those who don’t want an authoritarian leader to
avoid dividing themselves, including attacking moderate opponents as if
they are an enemy. Doing so just reinforces the process of weakening Mod-
erates and strengthening the likely authoritarian party.
Mistake 8: Treating the Resisters as Enemies
By the same token, Moderate opponents of a potential authoritarian leader
should be careful not to treat the more angry or extreme opponents (Resist-
ers) as enemies. In the Sanders- Clinton primary contest, enough negative
things were said about Sanders by the Moderates that many of his followers
were pushed away. As we saw, the Moderates needed these votes if they were
going to defeat the authoritarian candidate (Trump).
Likewise, it’s important not to try to shut down the angry energy of
strong opponents for fear of upsetting the Wannabe King’s followers. After
all, these Loyalists are unlikely to be swayed to vote against their candidate
anyway. Their bond is emotional; any logical criticism of their HCP’s policies
will miss the mark, and any personal criticism of their HCP will just cause
the Loyalists to circle the wagons to defend their candidate.
The success of the “resistance” in holding massive peaceful demonstra-
tions after Trump was inaugurated in January 2017 appears to have set limits
on his extreme policies in several areas, for a while at least. It also ener-
gized the Democratic Party to run many new candidates for office, especially
women. Whether on the right or on the left politically, it’s important for
Moderates to work with the more angry/energized members of their par-
ties in order to block a Wannabe King. The mid- term election in 2018, as
described above in Chapter 8, appeared to be a successful coming together
of Moderates and Resisters.
Mistake 9: Treating Dropouts as Enemies
In many of these elections, many eligible people avoided voting. If these
nonvoters knew then what they know now, they probably would have voted
against the Wannabe King. As described in Chapter 8, only 61 percent of
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124 Part II: The Fantasy Crisis Triad Worldwide
eligible voters took part in the 2016 US presidential election. Only 49 per-
cent of millennials voted.257 Yet these elections will determine their future
the most.
It’s common for Wannabe Kings to attack the democratic process of
elections and to say that they are rigged, in order to discourage their oppo-
nents from voting. This apathy helps them get into power. Such a candidate
may go on to justify their antidemocratic policies by saying that people don’t
want to bother with democracy. “It’s too much squabbling,” as Hitler used to
point out about democracy before he took power and became a dictator.258
It is tempting for party politicians and campaigners to be highly critical of
those who don’t vote. However, rather than treating Dropouts as enemies, it
may be better to educate them more about the dangers and warning signs of
high- conflict politicians. After all, if one is elected without their vote, they will
live many more years under a repressive government. All of the stories in this
book show how which personality gets elected really does make a difference.
It just takes one to alter history, and not for the better. There is a “difference
between a Stalin and a Gorbachev,” as Steven Pinker has pointed out.259
Mistake 10: Treating Loyalists as Enemies
As I have stated before, it’s important not to speak negatively of the HCP’s
Loyalists, as nothing positive is accomplished by doing so. Treating them as
enemies just strengthens their bond with the HCP. Be respectful in all your
statements about them, just as you would be about any other group. The
worst thing is to call them “deplorables,” or stupid, or use words like “crush”
or “destroy” in relation to them in an election. Even when these are stated to
small supportive groups, word gets out. It’s better to speak as though your
words will show up in the daily news. And sometimes they do!
Conclusion
The takeaway from all of this is that we need to be aware of and respectful
of all voters. At the same time, we need to communicate the dangers and
deceptions a Wannabe King can present. Part III looks at what we can do to
communicate with people about this subject without offending them. There
is no benefit for anyone in making enemies while we are trying to prevent
another Wannabe King from taking or staying in power.
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Part
III
HOW TO STOP
HIGH- CONFLICT
POLITICIANS
Now we have some answers to the three questions I posed in the
first chapter:
1 CAN ONE HIGH- CONFLICT POLITICIAN TURN A WELL- FUNCTIONING COMMU-
NITY—OR NATION—INTO ONE THAT IS EXTREMELY POLARIZED? IF SO, HOW
DOES THIS OCCUR? YES! We have seen this occur in each of the
examples I described in Part II. These HCPs start by immediately
attacking individuals and groups within their communities or
countries and teaching their followers to do the same; this includes
encouraging individual acts of violence. You might challenge the
idea that these Wannabe Kings arose in “well”- functioning com-
munities, but none of the communities or countries described
here were as bad off before their Wannabe Kings stepped in as
they were afterward. As we have seen, the followers of Wannabe
Kings are not usually starving; rather, they are resentful of others
succeeding. HCPs know how to charm, con, and manipulate these
followers without empathy or remorse.
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126 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
2 IN A TIME OF PEACE, CAN ONE HIGH- CONFLICT POLITICIAN LEAD A NATION INTO WAR,
FAMINE, AND GENOCIDE? IF SO, HOW DOES THIS OCCUR? Again, YES! As the
historians have told us, only Hitler wanted World War II. Only Stalin
wanted the forced collectivization of Ukraine in a manner that killed
approximately four million people. Only Mao wanted the Cultural Rev-
olution that killed approximately seven million people. The advisers
around each of these Wannabe Kings tried to stop them, and some paid
with their lives.
3 CAN WE STOP HIGH- CONFLICT POLITICIANS BEFORE THEY GET THIS FAR? Again,
the answer is YES! But in order to do so, people need to understand the
dangers, the deceptions, and the dynamics of high- conflict politicians,
and they need to learn how to counteract them in today’s high- emotion-
media world that favors them. That is what Part III of this book is all
about.
The following chapters are addressed to everyone, including
candidates
for office running against an HCP, people campaigning for someone running
against an HCP, and voters who see warning signs of an HCP and want to
alert other voters.
This information applies in any election, including as a group leader in
the workplace, a community committee like a school board or homeowners
association, and a city, state, or national office. The reality is that HCPs want
to be “kings” at all levels, but it’s easier to see the reality of their patterns at
the lower levels, because their Fantasy Crisis Triads don’t fit with obvious
reality. At national levels its easier for them to create and maintain their
fantasies for quite a while, so long as they can keep their realities hidden.
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10
IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
Remember it’s not about the politics, it’s about the personalities; especially
when you’re dealing with a Wannabe King. This means that your person-
ality matters. As a candidate or campaigner, today’s voters aren’t going to
listen to you, no matter how accurate your reality- based information is and
how wonderful your policies are, unless you have a real connection with
them. It’s all about your positive personality and your relationships.
If our goal is to stop electing narcissists and sociopaths, we have to think
differently about our relationships with other voters. We have to pay positive
emotional attention to all four groups I have identified: Loyalists (fired- up
supporters), Resisters (fired- up opponents), Moderates (voters who are con-
fused or stunned by the HCP’s bizarre actions), and Dropouts (people who
are disinclined to vote for anyone). We need to create a sense of “us” among
all of these groups—or, at the very least, the last three.
Remember, Wannabe Kings are driven to be always adversarial and
endlessly aggressive, because of genetic tendencies and/or extreme childhood
experiences, which are reinforced (or not) by their cultural environment. They
don’t know why they are like this, they don’t reflect on their own behav-
ior, and generally, they’re unhappy people because their behavior ultimately
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128 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
alienates everyone. Getting angry at an HCP won’t change their behavior.
Getting organized will.
There are always fewer Loyalists than the total of the other three groups
combined. When the other three groups unite, they can always defeat a
Wannabe King—provided they do it before the HCP has already seized most
of the power.
This means there needs to be no in- fighting. No internal enemies. No
attacking other voters (or nonvoters). You can disagree, but not hate each
other. I know this approach isn’t easy. But I have worked with hundreds
of high- conflict situations and I have learned that an assertive, but non-
confrontational approach succeeds better than mirroring an HCP’s high-
conflict behavior.
An HCP will always be better than anyone else at dividing and conquer-
ing. But everyone else can be better at uniting and fighting in an effective
manner. The electoral process is designed to encourage and support the
power of the people.
Reaching Out to Voters
High- conflict politicians know that it’s all about their relationships with
voters, not their politics. They put almost all of their energy into seducing
their voters and dividing the opposition. They pay a lot of attention to their
followers by speaking to them publicly almost every day. What they have to
say is always the same basic five- part emotional message:
1. You are special to me. I have a lot of empathy, attention, and respect
for you.
2. I understand your needs exactly and will help you fulfill them.
3. We are victims of our evil enemies, who are taking advantage of you
and me.
4. I will fight our evil enemies and I need you to fight them with me.
5. I am big and strong and energetic, so watch out, world!
Of course, for narcissists and sociopaths, this is a big con. They don’t
really care about their voters (although they do like the attention they
receive from them) and they don’t really understand their voters’ needs.
But through emotional repetition in isolation they are able to convince their
voters to become bonded—and often infatuated—with them.
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10: It’s All about Relationships 129
To effectively stop HCPs from getting elected we have to think in terms of
relationships—in a similar way to this five- part emotional message—but with a
better and more genuine approach. As we’ve discussed, Wannabe Kings build
relationships based on their fantasies, with emotional repetition. We need to
build relationships based on reality, with positive emotional repetition.
The following relationship skills are the same whether you are a can-
didate, a campaign staffer or volunteer, or a voter who wishes to influence
other voters:
1 GIVE ALL VOTERS (AND NONVOTERS) EMPATHY, ATTENTION, AND RESPECT AT ALL
TIMES In other words, provide a lot of EAR Statements™. (I trademark
my methods so that other people won’t claim them or change them. But
feel free to use them.) EAR Statements include one, two, or all three of
these emotional messages:
●
I have empathy for you (or care about you and your concerns).
●
I will come and pay attention to you.
●
I have respect for you.
Be prepared to speak respectfully to every audience—and always speak
respectfully about everyone—even the HCP (who gets energy from
being disrespected and doesn’t really understand himself anyway).
2 KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE Yes, it can be good to listen, but what voters
really want is someone who already knows and identifies with their inter-
ests without them having to explain. Be an “us” from the start. Refer to
yourself and your audience as “us” from the start. Talk like an “us” from
the start. Don’t approach them as strangers you are trying to understand
from afar. Approach them as peers who you mostly understand, but from
whom you want to hear even more.
3 KNOW THE REALITY OF YOUR ISSUES Explain your issues as problems you
need to solve, rather than people you need to hate or fight.
Say things like We need to join together to solve our problems, not fight
each other.
Explain that when we simplify issues and turn them into “Us against
Them,” nothing gets solved and new problems arise.
4 KNOW WHEN TO FIGHT AND WHEN TO COMPROMISE You can say, I will fight
to be heard and to represent your concerns. But I will also think hard
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130 Part III: How to Stop High- Conflict Politicians
about our problems and work hard at creating solutions. I will work with
others who want to solve our problems. I will be flexible when flexibility
is wh
at’s needed. I will compromise when compromise is what’s needed. I
will fight when fighting is what’s needed. And I plan to bring the wisdom
to know the difference.
5 BE STRONG AND ENERGETIC AND POWERFUL Voters want a relationship
with someone who gives the appearance of strength. Voters also want to
think of their candidates as winners. Some voters even switch sides close
to an election to be on the winning side once they realize which side is
going to win. It appears to be part of human nature to want our leaders to
be confident, strong, and powerful, and we want to identify with them.
Avoid showing weakness or too much doubt. Don’t defend yourself too
much. If you change your mind, be confident about it. Above all, match
the HCP’s strength and energy at all times.
Don’t spend much time on anyone who you know is already solidly
behind the Wannabe King. Treat these people courteously and respect-
fully, but don’t make them a focus of your energy. On the other hand,
everyone will notice if you pay some attention to them. The people that
really matter in elections are the Moderates, but they like it when you
pay respectful attention to the Loyalists—and they do notice.
Here are some more tips in each of these five categories of relationship
building:
1 Give All Voters Empathy, Attention, and Respect
The key idea here is that no group of voters wants to be treated in an uncar-
ing and disrespectful manner. That is how we get divided and how Wannabe
Kings get elected. We have to take an attitude of inclusion toward everyone.
We must reject a personally adversarial approach to politics and create a
sense of “us” that includes all of us, without creating a sense of “them.”
Now, it’s clear that this is not going to be easy and that it goes against
our biological adversarial heritage. But we also have a biological cooperative
heritage that we can build on. All human beings are born with the capacity
to fight and to cooperate.
Our adversarial tendencies can be very helpful. In healthy competition—
team sports and business innovations, for example—these tendencies can
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10: It’s All about Relationships 131
serve us brilliantly. But in politics, we need to go beyond the adversarial