Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows)

by Kathryn McNeill Crane

  Charlie knows that Debi is one of my weak spots. She and her sister Lea have helped me a lot since I’ve come to work here. They always try to cheer me up when I’m in one of my blue moods. Because my girls can’t exactly let me know ahead of time when sickness is going to hit, I never know when I might need to call one of them and ask for shift coverage. Knowing that Debi needs the hours gives me a twinge of guilt for my earlier whining. “Okay, Charlie. You win. Well, Debi wins, but you know I’d do anything to help her or Lea out. If she wants, she can have my hours tomorrow, too. That’ll give me a chance to catch up on some things while the girls are at school.”

  “Well, since you’ve mentioned it, would you mind if she works for you on Wednesday, as well? She said she’d take any hours that I could find.” Charlie gives my hand a squeeze, and turns to walk away. “You could use a little time off, you know. I’m surprised you’ve not made yourself sick yet from all the running around. Go. Enjoy. Don’t let me see you back until Thursday.” With that said, he gives me a satisfied grin and heads back into the kitchen.

  As I put my time in on the computer, I start to think of all the excuses I can to avoid going to the parade. What it boils down to is the simple fact that my girls will want to be there. Because I have been working so much, we’ve not gotten the together time that we all need. Poor little Maggie has never experienced the fun loving mom who planned picnics at midnight, finger painted with pudding, and made sand art on the back deck, all just for fun. The only mom she has known is the one who drags herself in at 2 am, exhausted beyond belief from working double shifts, or even worse, the one who sometimes curls up in a ball on the floor of her closet and weeps from her yearnings for yesterday.

  Holy cow. That is SO not who I want her to remember me being, and the only person who can change her perception of me is ME. As I walk out the door of The Smokehouse, I feel as if I’ve been hit upside the head. At the same time, I sense my former self, peeking her head out from around the corner in my mind, and saying, “It’s about time you just suck it up and move on.” Wow, I’m not sure I like her very much, but yes, she’s right. I do need to abandon the wallowing and the whining, and quit trying to work myself to death. I need to find me again—the fun me, the happy me, the living me. What better way is there to start the search than by taking my girls to something they love? Looks like I’m going to a parade today.

  “Mom, can we have ‘ice scream’?”

  “Mom, look. There’s the firemen. Can we ride on the big truck?”

  “Mommy, I tiward. Oo tarry me?”

  Deep breath. I am ready to admit right this very second that I do not want to be here. I guess the new me decided not to stick around for too long. My stomach is in knots, my heart is pounding, and I’m lightheaded because I forgot to eat yet again, and it’s already 2:00. Come to think of it, ice cream sounds pretty good. “Okay, girls, grab the walking rope.” I’ve learned that when I have Maggie in my arms, it’s all but impossible to hold the other girls’ hands when we’re out in public. Having taught school for many, many years, my mom has all kinds of great ideas when it comes to keeping kids safe. When she shares those ideas with me, I almost always learn something new and easy, and the ‘walking rope’ is no exception. It’s a simple six-foot piece of rope with four knots, and when we need to cross the street, or walk down a busy sidewalk, each of us grabs a knot and holds onto it with both hands. The girls think it’s hilarious, but they know not to let go until we’ve safely arrived at our destination. “I’m thinking we need to stop by Buck’s first and have a bite to eat, and then we’ll go get ice cream.”

  From the squeals and giggles coming from the munchkins, you’d think we’d won the lottery. I’m hoping that I can convince them to watch the parade from in front of Buck’s. It’s a couple of blocks from Town Hall, and that means it’s also further from the mayor’s eyes. My main goal outside of enjoying the day with the girls is to avoid being noticed at all costs. If bribing the girls with ice cream accomplishes that, then score one for me.

  We step through the door at Buck’s, and there it is. “Hold on, girls. Stop, just one second.” I take a deep breath in through my nose. “You smell that? Coffee!”

  “Mooooom.” Annie giggles, puts her little hand on my back, and with a small push forward says, “You and your coffee.” She giggles again and rolls her eyes at me as we make our way to the counter to place our order.

  That giggle, it’s music to my ears, and reminds me again just how long it’s been since the girls and I have just cut loose and laughed. My Annie has grown up so much faster than she should have had to. When Tripp died, our laughter died with him, but he wouldn’t have wanted that for us at all. It’s going to take some time, and a lot of effort, but I plan to reclaim that laughter for us. “So girls, you’ve only got two weeks of school left this year. What would you think about me being home for the summer? I was thinking that maybe I could cut back to only a day or two at work. Good idea?”

  Maggie has no idea what I’m talking about, but Bekah and Annie go crazy jumping and pumping their fists in the air. When Elle calls out our order, I can barely hear her over their noise. Once I get the girls settled and seated at a table, I head back to the counter to grab our food.

  Elle stops me before I head back to the table. “They’re so cute. What did you do, promise them a pony?” She’s worked here for the past several years, so she’s used to seeing me when I stop in for a quick fix. She’s always so sweet, but my favorite thing about her is her mad coffee making skills. If she’s the barista behind the counter, I know that I will be getting an extra shot of vanilla in my latte.

  “A pony? Not hardly. They’d want to bring it in the house to sleep with them at night.” I smile because that is the truth, and I can just see the mess that would create. “Nah, I told them that I am thinking about cutting my hours at work so that we can have more time together. Judging by their reaction, I’d say I’ve made a good decision.” I glance over at the table and see Annie passing out napkins, and Bekah helping Maggie tuck hers in the front of her shirt. My girls. Sigh. “I’ll talk to you later, Elle, but right now, I want to spend time with my girls.”

  As I grab the tray with our drinks and snacks, and turn to walk away, Elle calls out, “You definitely made the right choice. That’s time spent together that they will never forget.”

  No, they won’t forget it, but more importantly, I won’t either. We will make some new memories together, and I will hold them tight. And, when my girls are grown up and living on their own, I’ll have those memories to keep me company when I’m all alone.

  We put our time at Buck’s to good use. Borrowing a pen and paper from Elle, the girls and I sit and talk about all the things we want to do over their summer break, between nibbles and sips. Some of their requests make my heart sing because it reinforces that, even though I’ve not been myself for a long time, I have subconsciously set a good example for them.

  Annie is quite adamant that she wants us to volunteer at least once a week at the church food pantry and clothes closet. I only receive minor complaints when I follow her request with my statement that we need to take the time to clean out our own closets in search of donations. Annie brightens up a little when I tell her that we’ll check with her Girl Scout leaders to see if we can make this a troop project, too. I feel a sense of pride when she reminds me that, as a Girl Scout, she pledges ‘to help people at all times’ every time her troop says the GS Promise.

  Bekah shows just how much she and I are alike when she asks if we can take some time to go on waterfall walks and picnics. I feel a twinge in my heart when I realize just how little time I have spent with my girls at my favorite nature spots. I vow then and there to take my girls to the same places that their dad took me when he proposed. While that will take both mental and emotional preparation, they deserve to see just how much Tripp loved me, and to know how far he would go to show me.

  Not wanting to leave Maggie out of our planning session, I ask w
hat she would like to do this summer. I can’t hold back my laughter when she plainly states, “I wanna eat ice scream with Pop-Pop and swing on da swing.” This sets the girls to giggling, and by the time we finish being silly, I hear the first sounds of the high school band warming up for the parade.

  A chorus of yeses greets my suggestion of leaving to find a spot for watching the parade, so after we clean up our trash and tell Elle goodbye, we head back out into the crowd that lines the street.

  Finding a place where little eyes can see proves to be difficult, not that I expected any different. With Maggie perched on my shoulders, she has the best view of us all. So, of course, when she sees her Unka Liam sitting high up on top of a fire truck throwing out candy, her screams and squeals reach epic levels, and her excited kicks to my chest almost knock me to the ground. As Liam scrambles down the ladder, firm hands to my elbow and back put a stop to my swaying. As I scramble to regain my footing, Liam plucks a squealing Maggie from my shoulders, and I lift my eyes to a familiar face that I have tried so hard to block from my memory. My words of thanks evaporate as a vise grip tightens in my chest.

  “NO! YOU ARE NOT HERE!” The rapid words pour from my mouth like lava from a volcano.

  Liam, sensing my distress, grabs my chin in his hand and plants his body firmly between him and me, but my eyes stay glued to the blast from my past. I can’t say his name. I can’t even think it. This is not happening. He’s not really here. I keep telling myself that exhaustion is the problem, because there is no way that Sergeant First Class Randall Lee Underwood is standing in front of me on a busy street in MY little corner of the world. Not. Happening.

  “Wrynn, talk to me. WRYNN, snap out of it.” Liam is frantic in his attempts to draw me back to the present. “Don’t do this, Wrynn. Don’t fall apart in front of everyone again.”

  Claws begin an attack on my lungs, as every breath becomes a struggle. I fight the panic, the fear, and push the memories away, but the tears pressing against my eyes force their way to the surface. The look on Randy’s face, the compassion, the empathy, gives me the strength I need to draw much needed air into my depleted lungs. I bury my face in Liam’s chest, and whimper, “Get me out of here.”

  Liam gathers the girls, and with one arm holding Maggie and one arm around my shoulders, he leads us over to the firehouse. Once inside, I drop to the couch, bend my head towards my knees, and wrapping my arms around my midriff, I rock back and forth, holding on for dear life. The pain comes at me from all sides as the memories run on repeat through my head. Agony fires its random missiles straight into my heart. I hear Liam’s voice as he speaks to Randy, but only random words filter through the waves of grief.

  “Has she been … whole time?”

  “Lately, she’s done … you brought …”

  “ … I was there when … told her.”

  “That explains it.”

  “I’m going to go …”

  “ … That might be… ”

  “Lori and I …”

  “ … I’ll tell her.”

  As my mind once again attempts to climb out of the endless pit of despair, I feel the weight of a little body sitting on my feet, and the warmth of a strong hand as it rubs soothing circles on my back. Arms around my neck randomly tighten and small fingers gently comb through my hair. Soothing noises and loving murmurs surround me, and I embrace the comfort they bring. Family. My family. I’ve failed them once again by giving myself over to my most ravaging memories. I slowly pull myself up from my cramped position, and as I lay my head against the couch, Maggie lurches into my lap, snuggling deep into my arms.

  “Liam,” I whisper in a cracked voice, as my parched throat burns, pleading for moisture. “He—”

  Liam smoothes down my hair, and then drops his hand onto my shoulder. “It’s okay, Sis. You don’t need to tell me who he is. He explained everything before he left.”

  I sit straight up, concern now edging out the pain. “Oh my gosh. The girls. Did they hear ya’ll talking?”

  Liam rubs the back of his neck. “Aww, Sis. I didn’t even think about that. There’s no way they didn’t hear.” He plucks Maggie from my lap and snuggles her against his shoulder. “I was worried about getting you here, and then when I looked back up, I realized he’d followed us. Honestly, I think that your reaction scared the girls more than anything.”

  Annie, bless her little heart, has brought me a bottle of water. As I take it from her outstretched hand, she issues a broken plea. “I wanna go, Momma.” Those four words explode inside me, leaving nothing but splintered ruins. I gather her in my arms and just hold on tight, aching to soothe and comfort my hurting little girl.

  I whisper in her ear so the other girls can’t hear. “Do you want to go get that ice cream first?”

  Annie just shakes her head ‘no’, and I realize that her pain is deeper than I’d thought. As I stand, I scoop her up in my arms, and walking to the bathroom, I let Liam know that we will be right back.

  I feel drained and confused from my little time out from reality. My eyes are swollen, my cheeks are red, and my nose is all stuffy. My hair is all stringy and messy. I would love to take a shower, but a few wet paper towels will have to do. As I set about repairing the damage, I try to get Annie to open up, but her lips are sealed and no amount of prying will get them loose. All that I manage to get out of her is that she’s tired and just wants to go home.

  As we leave the bathroom, I prepare myself for the fight that Maggie and Bekah are sure to give me. After all, I did promise them ice cream, and I always try to do what I say I will. Much to my surprise, the girls are tired, hungry, and more than willing to just head home.

  I look around and find it hard to believe that most of the day is already gone. When I question Liam about how long we’ve been here, he just shakes his head and mumbles something that sounds like hours. Sure enough, when I look at my phone, I realize that it’s almost 6:00. No wonder my girls are tired. After a quick call to Flipsides to order some burgers, fries, and milkshakes, the girls and I walk across town to grab our food. When we get in the car, the smell of the food hits us, and we fall on the bags like a pack of wolves. After cleaning up our mess, we make the short drive home, and the silence in the car is like a soothing balm to my wounds. We’re all anxious to get to our haven and put this day behind us. Ahhh, home.

  After giving the girls their much-needed baths, and settling them into bed, I decide that a shower would feel great and help me relax before bed. As I hang up the damp towels and pick up the bath toys, I hear the phone ringing. I hesitate, but then decide that I have an answering machine for a reason, and I might as well let it do its job. Walking down the hall, my hand reaches to push my bedroom door open, when a familiar voice reaches my ears. I stop dead in my tracks as another blast from my past shatters all remnants of any peace that I have managed to hold on to.

  “Hi, Wrynn, it’s Tiffany. I know, I know. It’s been a while, but you’ve been on my mind. Marcus and I miss you and the girls, and well, honey, we need to see you. Give me a call when you get this message? Thanks…. BEEP.”

  I simply slide down the wall, and when I reach the floor, I stare off into space and remember. Too many memories are flying at me, and I don’t have enough time to absorb them or dodge them. I just have to take each hit.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Past

  The smell of salty breezes, accompanied by fingers lazily running through my hair, greeted my sleepy senses. As I stretched, my foot encountered a warm leg, and the arms wrapped around my stomach gave a small squeeze. Small kisses rained down on my shoulder and slowly made their way up my neck. Gentle nibbles on my earlobe sent chill bumps racing down my body. “Good morning, Mrs. Tidwell,” a deep sleepy voice rumbled in my ear.

  “Mmmmm. Good morning, Mr. Tidwell.” I gave another small stretch, and as I turned my head to receive my very first good morning kiss, the minty smell of toothpaste hits my nose. I quickly turned back, and pulling the sheet tighter aroun
d me, I tried to stand from the bed, but Tripp’s strong arms prevented my escape.

  “Not exactly the reaction I was looking for.” Tripp rolled me to my back, and carefully climbing on top of me, trapped my arms down by my sides. “Let’s try this again.”

  The sparkle in his eyes told me that he understood exactly what I was thinking. As he drew closer to kiss me, I turned my head to the side. “Tripp! Yuck! I’ve got morning breath. Please, pretty please, let me go brush my teeth and use the bathroom?”

  As I strained my head away from him, my neck presented itself, and unable to resist the temptation, Tripp bent and pressed a line of kisses that made me squirm. “Babe, I’ve waited for this morning for a long time.” His teeth scraped my jaw. “Do you really think that something like morning breath is going to deter me?” His hand came between the bed and my cheek, and gently turning my face up to his, he tenderly placed his lips to mine. Good morning!

  After a slow, leisurely wakeup call, Tripp and I talked about our plans for the day. While this was our first trip to Charleston, we knew that it was also our last two weeks together before he left for Basic Training and we didn’t want to spend a minute apart. All hints of sadness over our pending separation exploded into pieces when Tripp wiggled his eyebrows and suggested we take all our showers together to save water. I couldn’t help but laugh, but after a few more minutes, he had thoroughly convinced me that his idea of water conservation had merit. When yet another hour had passed, I managed to persuade him to order breakfast from the local delivery service, and while we waited for it to get there, we finally took that shower.