Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows)

by Kathryn McNeill Crane

  Tripp’s grandparents weren’t able to be with us because Nana had been admitted to the hospital that morning. Saddened by the news, I made plans to leave at the same time my family left, so I could go visit with Papa in Smyrna and help him out for a few days. As I packed a bag for Annie and myself, Dad loaded all the miscellaneous baby equipment into my car so that when I finished, we would be ready to hit the road. Because he knew that I would be traveling back and forth to my parents while he was gone, Tripp had insisted that I get a cell phone, so as I walked out the door, I remembered to grab it and the charger.

  Liam drove my car, and as the miles ticked behind us, he and I caught up on all the things I’d missed. It felt good to spend some time with him, because even though I tried to come home every other month, Liam was still in college, and his job and the sports he played kept him there most of the time. When I touched on girls and dating, he gave me a mean look and told me to move on to something else. I almost asked him about Lara, but ever since she’d literally disappeared on him, Liam had never been the same. He still joked around, and was pleasant and polite, but with his spirit crushed, the light in his eyes had dimmed. For months, he turned over every stone to find her, but with no leads to follow as to where she’d gone, he finally gave up looking. I hated knowing that it still hurt him after all this time. I knew that losing Tripp would leave me devastated, so I could understand why Liam felt this way.

  By the time we pulled up to the hospital, Liam was still sulking, and Annie let me know that she was hungry. Since I hoped to spend some time with Nana before heading to the house, I had thought ahead and packed plenty of snacks. We met Mom and Dad at the entrance, and when we stopped to identify ourselves as family, and ask for Nana’s room number, the receptionist informed us that her transfer to the Intensive Care Unit was still in process, and that we should go to the family waiting area for further news.

  After making our way through the maze of hallways, we found Papa in the waiting room anxiously pacing back and forth along the worn carpet. When he heard Annie’s excited ‘Papa’, he turned to us with a cautious smile in place. As Annie broke loose from my hold on her hand, and ran towards him, he carefully dropped to one knee, and wrapped his arms snugly around her little body. Tears seeped from the corners of his closed eyes as he held her in his embrace.

  I slowly walked over, and, laid a gentle hand on his head. “What happened, Papa? When I talked to you yesterday, you said she had a cold.”

  When he opened his eyes, the pain and fear he felt inside showed the seriousness of her illness. “I couldn’t wake her up this morning, and when I touched her face, she was burning up. I called 911, and when we got here, the doctor in the ER immediately sent her for X-rays. Everything happened so fast, and now I’m just waiting to hear what’s going on with her.”

  Liam came over, picked up a squirming Annie, and then helped a shaken Papa back to his feet. “If y’all don’t mind, I’m going to take this munchkin to the house and get her settled while y’all wait for answers.” Liam placed his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me into his side. “I’m here as long as you need me, Wrynn. Just say the word.”

  After kissing my baby girl goodbye, I took Papa’s hand and led him over to the chairs so that he could rest while he waited. Mom and Dad joined us in quiet conversation as the minutes ticked by.

  Several hours had passed when a doctor finally came to speak with us. After explaining the course of treatment for the pneumonia, he then went on to tell us that fluid has gathered around her heart, and Nana’s kidneys were failing. Her Creatinine level was more than double, and her Blood Urea Nitrogen was more than triple normal levels. Because of her age, the impending renal failure, and the advanced pneumonia, the staff was doing everything within their power to keep her comfortable, but the outcome was not promising. If she improved after a few days, the doctor would prep her for dialysis, but he clearly stated that he didn’t believe that was going to happen. After dropping that bomb on us, he made his apologies, and quickly left us to our scrambled thoughts.

  As we sat in stunned silence, the thought hit me that Tripp needed to tell his nana goodbye. Having been gone for twelve weeks already, I knew that he should be home soon. I could only pray that Nana held on until Tripp could get here. I quietly told the others what I was doing, and then stepped out of the room to call Lori with the news. She promised to find Tripp as soon as they landed, and in the meantime, she would notify the Commanding Officer of the circumstances.

  Unfortunately, time was not on our side. Early the next morning, Nana slipped into a coma, and several hours later, she passed away. The fluid surrounding her heart had exerted enough pressure to stop its beating. Papa was holding her hand when it happened, and as he gave her one final kiss, the tears from his eyes landed and rolled down her cheeks. After sixty years together, his soul mate had left him. Gone was the strong, vivacious man we all knew, and in his place was a somber, broken shell.

  Mom, Dad, and Liam stayed on in Smyrna to help with the funeral arrangements, and the following Tuesday afternoon, we laid to rest a vital piece of our family. Gone were her bubbly spirit, the encouraging words, and the helping hands. In their place were the memories of a woman who loved with every fiber in her being. After the minister finished the service, we said our goodbyes, and waited patiently for Papa to say his. The somber mood followed us back to the house where we talked about nothing and everything. We decided that Annie and I would remain for a few more days, and after that, Mom and Dad would take Papa with them back to Highlands until Tripp came home.

  While we sat talking, Papa quietly slipped away. When I finally noticed that he was gone, I went in search of him. As I neared his room at the end of the hall, a faint voice carried down to me. Pushing the door open, the sight that greeted me brought tears to my eyes. Papa and Annie were snuggled together under a quilt on the bed, and he was telling her all about the Nana who loved her. With eyes half-closed in sleep, and thumb tucked in her mouth, she seemed content to just lay there and listen to his stories. Refusing to disturb such a peaceful, healing scene, I quietly backed out of the room. This came to be a familiar occurrence in the days ahead, and laid the groundwork for a beautiful, close relationship between those two. An unbreakable bond they would share forever.

  When Tripp finally made it home, it was near the end of June. Because of the nature of his job, he could share very little detail about what he’d done, and he rarely told me where he’d been. Whatever happened on this last mission made him moody, irritable, and snappy, and my only thought was that it had to have been bad. After hearing about his nana’s passing, Tripp became distant, and for the first time, I didn’t know what to say or do to help him. Several weeks later, he finally opened up, and told me about the things that had gone wrong. Somehow, his unit had become separated, and two of his men were captured and injured before they could be rescued. He took this as a personal failure, and adding his nana’s death into the equation, he just needed some time to get his head on straight. When I suggested getting away for a few days, he thought it was a great idea, and put his request in right away.

  Tripp managed to get a five-day pass, so we loaded up the truck and headed home to Highlands. On our way there, we stopped and picked up Papa so that they could spend some time together. Because of Tripp’s latest deployment, it had been months since they’d seen each other, and it was a bittersweet reunion. Without Nana there, a huge piece of our puzzle was missing, but Tripp and Papa had a wonderful time looking through photos, reading letters she’d sent Tripp, and reminiscing about the beautiful person that she had been.

  On our last night home, we ate supper at Mom and Dad’s house, and when it came time for dessert, Papa made the announcement that Nana’s estate had been settled, and divided according to her will. We should have known something was up because Papa had a twinkle in his eyes that had been missing since Nana had passed. He handed an envelope to Dad, and one to Tripp, and then sat quietly while they opened them. To sa
y we were surprised would have been a gross understatement. Nana had left a nice financial gift for my parents, along with a beautiful letter thanking them for loving and caring for Tripp as their own, and allowing her to be a second mom to my parents. The staggering news though, was that all the stocks, bonds, and the remainder of her assets went to Tripp and me. If invested and spent wisely, Tripp and I would be more than comfortable for the rest of our lives. Nana’s final gift to us was more than we’d ever dreamed.

  When we tried to argue with Papa, he set us straight in a New York minute. Everything she had left us was what she’d brought into their marriage, and it didn’t begin to compare with what he still had. Charitable donations were the only things that Nana had used any of the money for, and she had chosen her latest charity, the Wounded Warrior Project, when Tripp had joined the Army. The decision for us to continue her support was an easy one, especially since Tripp personally knew a few soldiers who’d benefited from this organization. The knowledge that we could give back to others in her memory was both exciting and daunting. She’d left big shoes to fill, and as we left for home, we were determined to take our time making any decisions, and hoped that the choices we made were wise ones.

  We had little trouble convincing Papa to come stay with us for a few days. Being alone was not an easy adjustment for him, and besides, Annie had him wrapped so tightly around her little finger that he would do just about anything to spend more time with her. Lively conversation filled most of our drive back to Fort Benning as Papa discussed his days with Nana. When he got quiet, I looked back to see him holding Annie’s hand, and both of them were sound asleep. Since we weren’t far from home, I took advantage of the moment, and snuggled next to Tripp on the front seat. I was more than prepared to enjoy the peace of the moment after a busy visit, but that just wasn’t meant to be.

  Tripp put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me tighter into his side. “Babe, Mother came by to visit while you and Mom were at the grocery store.”

  This news surprised me. Though we’d left numerous messages for her, we hadn’t heard a peep from her since she came to the hospital when Annie was born. We’d even invited her to supper at my parents’ house tonight, but she never even responded to that. “That’s weird. What’d she want?”

  “It was weird. She knocked on the door, but refused to come inside, and when I came out on the porch, she was all jumpy-like. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she was nervous, but we both know she’s not scared of anything.” Tripp looked over my head into the backseat, and smiled at the sweet scene that greeted him. “Good, he’s sound asleep. Anyhow, she wanted to make sure that her information about Nana’s passing was ‘accurate’, as she put it. When she started asking me questions about the will, I told her I had no idea, that I hadn’t even given it a thought. She accused me of lying, and ‘withholding information’. Those were her exact words. What the heck?”

  I sighed deeply, and snuggled closer to him. I hated talking about his mother. Nothing good ever came from it. “I don’t know what’s going on with her. She’s one strange bird. She say anything else?”

  “No, and I think that’s part of what’s got me bothered with the whole situation. She didn’t ask about you or Annie. Nothing! Strange doesn’t even begin to cover it. I just don’t get it, you know. She’s always been cold and indifferent, but I swear, there’s something wrong with that woman. I don’t think she has one mothering bone in her body.” Disappointment, and even a little hurt, seeped through his voice, but most of the scars on his heart were old and scabbed over.

  Just the thought of her hurting him all over again made me angry, but I tried to keep that from coming through my voice. “Baby, you can’t let this get to you. You’ve got too many things on your mind right now that you’re already dealing with. Don’t let her be another issue. I know it’s easier said than done, but please, just try to forget it.”

  “I’ll try, I promise.” He pulled the car into the driveway, parked, and then turned to face me. “I guess I’ll never understand why she is the way she is. But she was different today. I don’t know the word I’m looking for. Maybe, erratic? Crazed?” He opened the door, and sliding me across the seat, pulled me out and into his arms. “Whatever it was, I’m just glad that we don’t have to be around her very often. If we lived closer, I’m pretty sure she’d make our lives miserable.”

  I gave an exaggerated shiver. “Ooh, scary thought. Thank God, we’ll be here for quite a bit longer. Now, let’s get these two sleepyheads in the house so we can all go to bed.”

  His arms tightened around me as he pressed a firm kiss to my lips. “Bed. Now that sounds like an excellent idea.” And there it was. My smile.

  Bringing Papa back with us was the best idea ever. His very presence seemed to lift some of the worry and guilt from Tripp’s shoulder. Because he believed in the old adage, he was in bed early every night, and up early every morning. When Tripp would come in from his morning workouts, he and Papa would sit in the kitchen and talk over coffee before Tripp showered. With an extra person in the house, Tripp was back in his ‘water conservation’ mode, and I really enjoyed the alone time with him. By the time we would make it into the kitchen, Papa would have Annie dressed and fed, and ready to head out to the park. Seeing those two together made my heart smile, and I knew that she was helping him through the heavy mourning period.

  Because we lived on post, there was a time limit on how long a guest could stay with us. As we neared the end of Papa’s ninety-day clearance, the days seemed to fly past us. Summer had faded to autumn, and the green leaves changed to beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows, and then finally fell to the ground. Annie was nearing her second birthday, and we made plans to head home to Highlands to celebrate it and Thanksgiving with our family.

  The Monday before Thanksgiving started out like every other day. Tripp worked out, visited with Papa over coffee, and came in to wake me up for our quiet time together. When I sat up in bed, a familiar wave of nausea washed over me. With one hand covering my mouth, I pushed Tripp away with the other and made a mad dash to the bathroom where I proceeded to noisily lose the contents of my stomach. Gentle hands soothed me and a cool, damp washcloth made its way to my neck.

  “Ugh!” I plopped down on my butt and rested my head on my knees. “Here we go again.” At least this time, I had some idea of what was happening.

  Tripp almost managed to hold back his chuckle, but when he lost the struggle, I raised my head and attempted an evil glare. Judging by the look on his face, I’d have to say it worked. He immediately worked to smooth out his grin.

  “Sorry, babe. I know, not funny.” That darn grin was trying to come back. “I knew this was coming. I’ve just been waiting to see when it would start.”

  He wasn’t joking. He turned to the cabinet, opened the door and reaching under the sink, he brought out a sleeve of saltines, and a ginger ale. I could only stare at him in shock.

  He opened the soda and passed it to me. “Sip it, slowly though. We don’t want it coming back up.” He watched me, making sure that I followed his directions, and when I’d taken a few quick swallows, he handed me two crackers. “Take it slow, babe.” Then he sat down, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me onto his lap. “You looked surprised. Did you really not know?” I just shrugged my shoulder and slowly shook my head, praying that the movement didn’t make me sick again. “Babe, how did you miss the signs this time?”

  I laid my head on his chest, and melted into his warmth as I listened to the steady beat of his heart, and nibbled on my crackers. Tired and emotional—check. Irritable and snappy—check. Strange, but not scary dreams—check. All of these things had started happening over the last several weeks, but the biggest sign I should have recognized was that slight queasy feeling that just would not go away. I snuggled closer to Tripp and sighed. “You know, sometimes I feel so stupid. I should have known, but I haven’t been paying attention to the clues my body was giving me.”

  Tripp
just chuckled as he rubbed his cheek against the top of my head. “You have been kinda busy lately, what with keeping up with an active monkey and a senior citizen. Between that and trying to work around my crazy schedule, you’ve not had much time to just sit down, relax, and think.”

  “Just tell me one thing. How the heck did you know this before me, AGAIN?”

  “Babe, really? I know you inside and out. And you know I can’t take my eyes off of you. I’ve noticed your restless sleep and the faint circles under your eyes. And you never crash on the couch while Papa watches Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. But here the past couple of weeks, you’ve had to fight to keep your eyes open past eight o’clock. What really made me wonder though was when that Folgers commercial came on, and you cried like a baby.” That rat started chuckling again. “I mean, really, a few tears or sniffles are one thing, but you were sobbing. I think you call it ‘ugly crying’. It just reminded me of when you were pregnant with Annie and any little thing would set the waterworks off.”

  Oh man, he mentioned that commercial, and the tears started leaking from my eyes. “But it’s such a happy commercial when that soldier comes in on Christmas morning, makes coffee, and then surprises his family.” I sniffed, and as I wiped my eyes on Tripp’s shirt, his body started shaking with his laughter. That earned him an elbow to the ribs, and his swift grunt made me feel a little better. “I know it’s stupid, but that one gets me every time.” Oh my gosh. He was right. I was overly emotional, and was only proving that fact by sitting on the bathroom floor, crying over a commercial that I’d seen a week ago. Good grief.

  “Uhm, babe, I hate to say this, and it may earn me another elbow, but you’re kinda proving my point.” He was smart enough to wrap his arms around mine, and lock them to my sides. Otherwise, yeah, he probably would’ve gotten another quick jab. “Now, come on, we’ve gotta hurry. Papa and Annie are going to wonder what happened to us.”