Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows)

by Kathryn McNeill Crane

  Thanks to my Heavenly Father who has richly and abundantly blessed me.

  Jennifer Heatherly and Wendy Thomas, my personal Jen and Wendy, two-thirds of the Three Musketeers. Thanks for being there from start to finish, for early morning bagels and coffee, for playing taxi and hostess to my Elizabeth, and for loving me enough to force me out of the house when anxiety and depression become almost too much to bear. Your encouragement and support has meant everything to me, and my world would be a much darker place without the two of you. When you say you love me, I know it’s a fact because you put feet and hands to your love through your actions. Wherever life may take us, know that I am truly your friend for life, kinda like that gum that is stuck to you shoe. I love you both!

  JB McGee is the first person I met on my Indie journey, and I can tell you right now, I would not have started this book without her encouragement, support, and advice. I will forever be in her debt for pushing me to ‘just sit down and write. Worry about the rest of it later.’ Wise words!

  Crystal Spears was the second person that I met. She is officially my baby girl and I’m her Southern Mama. Girl, you have put up with me through so much, and you’ve never once left my side or let me down. Thank you will never be enough to express my gratitude. You’re not only my peer, you’re also one of the bestest gals that I know, and I love you! Never forget that.

  Debi Barnes, or as some of us know her, Dominatrix Debi. You’ve never once hesitated to tell me to shut my whining up, but you’ve also been the glue that has held me together. You’ve managed my time for me, and given me goals and encouragement. When I’ve needed to shut down and back off, you’ve stepped up to the plate to make sure that everything is covered in my absence. Girl, you keep cracking that whip. We’ve got another book to write, so get ready! I can’t do it without you! I look forward to talking to you EVERY morning.

  Lori Underwood. OMGosh! Girl, I don’t even know where to start with you. You’re like in my brain or something and that is so, very scary! Just saying. Your sarcasm and wit keep my world turning on its axis, and I love the way you keep me up to date with Baby Leah. Yes, I am going to paint polka dots on her nails, so just get over it. And, she and I are gonna whip your tail at UNO. Seriously, though, you are amazing and wonderful, and I am so glad that we met. I can’t imagine going through all of this without you!

  Lea Burn or whatever your name is today! You have spent so much time brainstorming with me to make this story line work. AND you spent so much time cleaning up my errors. She’s beautiful, and I thank you for that. Thanks for being my cheerleader and companion on this journey. Now, if I’m not mistaken, there is a story or two in your head that need to come out. Trust me, you just need to sit down and write. Worry about the rest of it later. I promise that I’ll hold your hands like you’ve held mine, and we’ll walk the path together.

  Lara Feldstein, you convinced me that Liam (Zack) needed his own book, so you’d better get ready to see your name in lights. Thanks for all the awesome pictures when my brain paused and providing music to inspire me. You’ve kept me motivated and excited, and I couldn’t have done it without you.

  Julie Deaton, you’re my twin. You get me like no one else does. Your constant encouragement is a true blessing, and I can never thank you enough. Just know that all your hard work and willingness to help doesn’t go unnoticed. We’re GRITS, right? Love ya!

  Sloan Johnson or whatever you’re calling yourself today. Yeah. I went there. You are a fierce defender and an amazing friend. Thanks for letting me bend your ear and for talking me off a ledge or two. You rock, sista!

  Kicking beta readers make the world go round for me. I would like to thank the following people for ALL of your hard work, dedication, and help to make SFT what it is today. Your suggestions were so amazing, and I loved working with each of you. I hope you’ll stay on for Liam’s story, because I KNOW that I’ll need your help! These names are in no particular order. (Yes, I copied them from the beta group page. Y’all know me too well!) Julie Deaton, Lea Marika, JC Emery, Jennifer Diaz, Kristina Amit, Amber Vaughn, Debi Barnes, Elle Wilson, Kathy Kindler, LU Ann, Lara Feldstein, Nicki DeStasi, Stacia Newbill, Mel Ballew, Jessica Louise, and Kimi Flores.

  Last, but certainly not least. Jennifer Diaz and Amber Vaughn sure as heck know how to put together an efficient street team. I truly could not do this without you girls. As of right now, the street team members are as follows: Author L. Chapman, Jennifer Diaz, B.A. Wolfe, Kimberly Trivette, LU Ann, Kris Chipman, Ann McBride, Amy Garland, Sarah Larson, A.J. Warner, Kathy Kindler, Amber Vaughn, Nicki DeStasi, Julie Deaton, Loretta Richardson, Beverly Jenkins, and Susan West. Thank you so much for believing in me enough to want to be here with me. Good things are coming, and I can’t wait for us to get to experience them together.

  About the author

  If you are reading this, I think you should know that ‘About the author’ sounds so very pretentious to me. I guess that is what I am supposed to write about, so here it goes!

  Kathryn is a simple country girl who likes to spend time with her hubba, hunka hubby, her three kids, and her friends. She loves to cook and really loves to eat! During the spring and summer, you will more than likely find her outside puttering around in her garden. When the veggies start coming in, she will probably be sweating over a hot canner in the kitchen, canning all the goodies she is blessed with. Kathryn likes to hike and go camping, and as a Girl Scout leader, she gets to do this pretty often! On cold winter nights, you will probably find her wrapped in a warm blanket, lost in a good book, while sitting in her rocking chair on the front porch!

  Kathryn was born and raised in North Carolina, and while she loves to travel, she can't imagine ever leaving the mountains that she has come to call home. Not a day goes by that Kathryn doesn't thank God for abundantly blessing her. He has been so good to her, and she is very grateful. She holds Jeremiah 29:11 very close to her heart and believes it with every fiber of her being. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

  Kathryn loves flip-flops, chocolate, sweet tea and dirt between her toes. As far back as she can remember, she's had a book in her hands. Reading has carried her to places she will never go. It has introduced her to people that she will never meet. When life is great and when it is rough, she's always been able to find a book to carry her through. She finally decided to write down some of the stories in her head (yes, be scared) and heart after dawdling around and wasting years dreaming. She hopes you enjoy reading those stories as much as she loves writing them!

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KathrynMCrane

  Website: http://kmcrane.blogspot.com/

  Twitter: https://twitter.com/KCrane_katiemac

  DESTRUCTIVE CHOICES

  By L.U. Ann

  November 2013

  If the decisions you make don’t define you,

  What price would you pay to change them?

  “Close your eyes. This is the darkness I see, I feel, I live because of my choices."

  I spent my life running. Running from my past. A past that changed my life, robbed me of my childhood, and bound me for a life of silence. Silence protected me from further hurt. When I couldn't control my life, I found reprieve in my silence. Dark, cold silence. I’m trapped, trying to find my way out, trying to make a stand, trying to finally live; but is it too late?

  Lacey Edwards fought emotional turmoil most of her life. She made choices that unknowingly put her through more painstaking heartache. She found bits and pieces of happiness in all the wrong areas except for one. This one gave her hope for a fresh new life full of promises. Could she hold onto it, or would it slip through her fingertips?

  ***Warning*** Mature content. Not appropriate for audiences 17 years and under. This novel contains explicit language, sexual situations, abuse and social issues that some might find offensive.

  Prologue

  Lacey

 
Black, everything is black.

  There is no noise, nothing.

  Complete and utter silence.

  What just happened? Why is everything so dark and quiet? What is happening to me? Everything is blank and I don't know if I'm alive or dead. I cannot feel anything. Confusion is all I know. I would give anything to feel something, pain even.

  What if I'm dead? EVAN! I will never be able to see him again. Tell him I love him again. What is going to happen to Evan? Dear God, please don't let me be dead.

  I need to get to my baby boy. My Evan.

  Caine

  My heart stopped.

  I know the very moment it stopped beating.

  There is nothing circulating throughout these veins as I watch my future die in front of my eyes.

  I can't breathe. I try to run, but my feet are glued to the ground. I'm still fighting my internal battle as I finally move, hitting the hard pavement welcoming its stings falling to my knees.

  What have I done? "Lacey, oh my God! Lacey!" I shout but she doesn't move. "Please wake up. Please baby I love you." Her limbs are limp allowing me to position her body to avoid more injuries. "HELP!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Where the hell is everyone? Someone should have called 911 by now. I look around and see a crowd of bodies encasing my better half.

  "Help!" I cry waiting for someone to move. Throwing my hands in the air, I continue to yell at the crowd, "What the hell are you all doing standing there? Fucking help!" Shaking my head, I return to my girl who still takes my breath away, even now. Why did I do this? I'm liable. I was so worked up from dancing with her that I needed a release and I found the quickest way to get it. Damn she felt so fucking good; almost better than the first night I laid eyes on her. I wanted to take my beautiful girl right there on the dance floor but I knew I couldn't. We were starting over and Lacey was getting there. Were and was being the operative words. She's never going to take me back now. I run my hands through my hair trying to keep from picking her up and driving her to the hospital myself. But I can't. I know I can't move her. Lacey needs help, where's the help? Please God save her.

  I gently brush my fingers along her cheek, there is blood everywhere. Scared to move my eyes over her body, I close them and pray.

  "What on earth? Oh my God, Lacey. NO! Lacey!" Lane screams in hysterics. "Caine?" I know Lane is asking me what happened. "Please Caine. NO. No, no, no!" I have to turn back to Lacey, I can't face Lane right now. My fucking heart has been ripped out knowing my insecurities put her here but to witness it all unfold on Lane's face is too much. Shit, I need to hurl. Moving swiftly to the side, I lose the contents of my stomach and then some. I'm so fucking scared to lose the only person I've ever loved.

  Fucking hilarious, right? I caused Lacey so much damn pain and all along I loved her so much more than I ever showed her. I knew I wasn't good enough for her and it would only be a matter of time before she left me like all the men left my mom. I'm toxic, I know. Dad told me plenty of times growing up how messed up I was. I'm fucking toxic. There is no way Lacey would've stayed with me. No fucking way. I thought it would be easier for her to hate me. I was fucking insane to ever think that. Every time I hurt Lacey I hated myself a little more. Why the fuck did I cheat on the one thing that could bring light into my darkness? When I found out she was carrying my child, the most gorgeous woman on the fucking planet was carrying my child, I lost it. There is no way I fucking deserve it. No way! I love her. God how I love Lacey. And all I did was fucking hurt her. I turned into my fucking mother who loves herself more than anyone else. Laying eyes on the little man we both created filled the empty crevices my dead beat dad and codependent mother left. Evan is the sun in my dark, the water to my drought, and the calm to the storm running through me. And I fucked it up. I want to change and be the person they need. I was fucking changing and then the stupid broad grabbed me on my way to the restroom. I didn't want to go but I also wanted to get rid of the fucking pulsating hard on Lacey gave me. Just thinking of her gets me hard. "I'm so sorry Lacey, so damn sorry baby. I love you so fucking much Lacey!"

  Dear God, please let her live and I will never turn my back on her again. I'm such a fuck up; a sick fuck up at that. Turning back, I spot Becca walking in a daze. Oh shit, this is not going to go over well. Becca stops about ten feet from Lacey. She doesn't move, doesn't talk, shit she's not even blinking. I can't leave Lacey by herself on the ground, I run over and drop to my knees. There is so much fucking blood. Bunching the shirt I just pulled off, I gently place it under her head careful not to move her neck too much. I hear sirens - about fucking time.

  "Lacey," Becca whispers. "Lacey?" She repeats her name over and over not moving from the spot I found her moments ago.

  The sirens are getting louder and I know they are close. Close. I was so close to getting her back. Lane's still screaming but there are some girls holding her back. "Lacey baby, help is coming. Hold on please babe. I love you, hold on." I pick up her hand and kiss it, moving my fingers to her wrist looking for her life line. I need to feel it, to know everything is going to be okay. Nothing, I can't feel anything. Bending over I kiss her cheek and beg her to hold on.

  "Sir," someone pulls me to my feet. "Sir, I need you to move out of the way so that we can help her." I nod not taking my eyes off Lacey. Suddenly a swarm of people rush over calling out things I cannot comprehend in my frozen state.

  "Excuse me sir?" I look over to see who was spitting words out while my girl is dying. "Sir, I'm sorry. Is she okay?" The stranger looks down at the ground nervously moving a foot back and forth in front of him. "Um, I'm sorry. My phone buzzed and I was worried because I had to leave my daughter home while she was sick. I was scared she needed me." In that moment all I saw was red.

  Finding my voice, "You fucking hit my wife because you were checking your fucking phone? I going to fucking kill you, you asshole!" Moving so that my fist can meet his jaw, the taxi driver beats me to it. "Get the fuck off me you sick bastard!" He rears his fist into my stomach and knocks me off balance.

  Thank God for giving me the adrenaline I need at this moment so I can beat the piece of shit. "How fucking could you? You killed my wife!" I cry. My wife, beautiful wife and mother of our little boy. Thinking about Evan only makes me angrier.

  "You asshole, you killed the mother of my child!" I hit him over and over. I don't know how many times I wish the mother fucker dead.

  "What the hell was she doing in the middle of the fucking road dumbass? If she didn't want to get hit, she shouldn't have been in the road." His words set me off even more.

  I was still throwing punches when I was pulled off of him and feeling the sting of metal on my wrists. Shit! Total fucking fuck up. Lacey needs me and I'm not there. "Why are you fucking arresting me?" I ask the officers. "I didn't kill her. This piece of shit did. He was on his fucking phone texting. His phone was more important than my wife who is on that stretcher. Please let me go, please. I need to be with her. Please! He threw the first punch. I was protecting myself." I plead looking one of the police officers straight in the eye.

  Mr. Piece of Shit starts to talk, "I'm so sorry Sir," and then lunges himself into me again. "Don't you ever lay another fucking hand on me!" This guy is mental. What a stupid dipshit. I mean really.

  The other officer pulls him off securing his hands behind his back and starts to read the asshole his rights. Good fucking riddance bastard. I return my eyes to Lacey watching the people working on her. By this time she has tubes coming out of fucking everywhere. One of the guys working on her, yells something and they rush to put her in the back of the ambulance. I turn to the cop, "Please, he started it. I need to be with my wife. Please, she's dying. I need to go."

  The officer must understand how desperate I am. He turns to speak to the other officer and they exchange words I'm not even listening to. I'm too busy staring at the back of the ambulance. Only when I feel the handcuffs come off am I aware I'm running to jump in. I stop briefly turning to Becca and Lane. One of t
he other girls who was sitting with them earlier in the booth says she'll drive them straight to the hospital. I nod and climb into the ambulance praying these people can save the one and only woman who stole my heart.