Fire in Her Eyes

by Ruby Dixon

  The look of pride in his eyes when I finished my fire ceremony and became a fully fledged female.

  The sadness I felt when he willingly left our family behind, choosing to be conscripted into the Salorian army so our father would not have to battle to keep him free. Some are not full-fledged memories, but wisps of images or thoughts. Kael’s smile when he was amused, or his scowl when he was irritated. The way he loomed over me, tall even as a youth. The faint scent of him, or how he was the same color as our father but had our mother’s eyes.

  A breeze brings his scent closer. So close that if I close my eyes, it is almost as if we are standing face to face. Kael, I reach out, seeking to connect with his mind.

  Come no closer, female, comes the response. It is both my brother and somehow…not. No one is welcome to my nest unless I invite them. His thoughts clearly indicate that no such invitation has been granted.

  My own hot-tempered irritation surges. Then invite me to your nest, brother. I have come a long way and traveled for a great distance with my mate. We want to see you and your child.

  I do not know you, comes the crisp, searing answer.

  The response guts me. I suck in a breath, wounded. Gabe pulls me against him, his hand cupping my neck as he presses me against his chest and kisses my brow. I have not shared with him why I am distressed, but he can tell from the look on my face.

  My brother does not remember me. There is nothing but truth in the touch of his thoughts, and yet it pains me to hear it. He does not remember me. He has no memory of his little sister Teva. I should not be so hurt—is my mind not broken? It stands to reason that his would be, too. And yet…it still wounds me deeply.

  I do not wish to cause harm, Kael says, and I realize I have been leaking my hurt out to him. But I simply do not know you.

  I know you, I send back. Now that the initial shock has passed, determination replaces it. I make my thoughts forceful. Confident. You are my brother. I am your sister. Allow me to come and see you and your family. Perhaps seeing my face will bring the memories you need.

  There is a long pause and I hold still, clutching to Gabe as I wait.

  Finally, Kael responds. My mate says yes.

  His mate. She is the one that chooses for us to visit, not Kael. This is another stab in the gut, and I swallow back my frustration and hurt. It does not matter, I tell myself. He will remember me when we are face to face and he can breathe in my scent. Then I will have family once more. Belonging.

  I did not realize until just now how badly I want those things.

  So I look at Gabe, my mate, and share my thoughts with him. We are invited. Are you ready to go?

  He glances up at the buildings, where all the uninvited dragons hover nearby, waiting. When I graze over their thoughts, I quickly pull back. There is nothing but madness. Nothing but chaos. There is no mind to connect to in the maelstrom of their spirits, only emptiness and instinct. They are drawn to the infant, as I am, but unlike me, they will remain out here. I should be pleased, but my belly is full of bitterness. “I’m ready to get away from this crew,” he murmurs, and then gestures that I should lead. “After you.”

  I take his hand and lead the way.

  20

  TEVA

  There is no way to get to Kael’s nest from the ground. The building once had stairs, and Gabe’s mind tells me this even as it tells me they are impossible to climb, broken beyond repair. We approach the foot of the building and there is a large basket at the base with a sign on it.

  VISITORS, the sign says. I pluck this information from Gabe’s thoughts, and he is amused by it, and by the fact that this is a basket from something called a hot-air balloon. We climb into this, he tells me, holding my hand tightly and leading me forward. When we are inside, he shuts the door.

  Immediately, a shadow falls overhead. A dragon descends, and the scent is immediately that of my brother. I raise my hand to my eyes, unable to see him clearly due to the angle of the setting sun, but even so, I ache with humiliation.

  I am being carried to his nest. The shame is unbearable. A drakoni female should fly in, not be carried like a child. I endure this humiliation because I must, because my Gabe worries that if I shift to battle form, I will lose control all over again. I do not want that; I want my mind as healed as possible. I want to be strong and sane, so I grit my teeth and ignore the shame I feel. Or try to, anyhow.

  When we get to the top, I can feel Gabe’s surprise at our surroundings. The nest is far more open than I anticipated, because the vague memories I have of my family’s nest are of snug, cozy caverns and a sunny ledge to perch on. This is just another human hive with the roof torn off and pieces of human furniture scattered about. There seems to be a living area under the open sky, and a woman comes out from behind a door, shutting it behind her. She has bright red hair to rival mine, but her face is pale and scaleless. She holds a large covering-wrapped bundle in her arms and I pick up the scent of the child. Sallavatri. My brother’s child.

  Joy and yearning fill me at the sight. There is not just Kael here, but a child that is family. A child that I share blood with. A young, vibrant child with a strong mind and a proud name, and just the realization that such things are possible even in this awful world fills me with a strange sense of hope.

  The dragon lands on the roof above, his mind closed to me. He shifts forms and then jumps down to stand in front of us, between Gabe and me and his mate. He is all golden skin and hard muscle standing between us and the human female. Even so, I recognize the scent and my heart sings with joy once more.

  My spirit is only cheered for a moment, though. The stranger in front of us wears my brother’s face, but he is still a stranger. There is no recognition in his eyes as he gazes at me. He inhales my scent, his mind closed, and he is treating me as if I am an interloper, a threat to his mate.

  Kael, I send to him, my hands held out in greeting. I cannot believe you are here. My brother, I am both elated and sad to see you.

  He sends out a mental wave of warning before I can step forward. I do not know you, he states again. Are you sure it is not the drakoni madness that makes you think I am your brother?

  I am sure. I have memories of you. I know your scent. Your face. Can you truly look at me and remember nothing?

  His eyes whirl as he gazes at me. I open my mind to him, pushing memories to the forefront, of smells of our home, of growing up together. My memories are fragmented shards but I give him everything I have.

  There is no recognition there. I am sorry. That is not me.

  It is you, I insist. You are Arkael!

  Hearing his name startles him. The male drakoni’s eyes go wide. I feel a flash of…something go through his mind, too quick and violent to be muffled entirely. It is quickly gone once more, though. Arkael died in the Rift, he says after a long moment. Kael is the one left behind. I am not that person anymore.

  But you remember your name, I insist. Surely if we put the pieces of our memories together—

  I remember it now that you have said it to me. That is all.

  My heart aches to hear that. I look at Gabe, but he watches me curiously, waiting. Surely he can feel the emotions coursing through both dragons right now, just like the female behind Kael wears a concerned look as she gazes at her mate.

  Do you remember me at all? I cannot help but ask, even though I suspect I know the answer.

  There is a long, long pause. Kael’s eyes are whirling with a mixture of black and gold as he focuses on my face. Then, finally he answers.

  No.

  I suck in a breath and close my eyes, turning my back to him. I feel so alone and abandoned, as if I have fallen through the Rift all over again. Gabe’s arms go around me and I let him tuck me under his chin, but I can still feel Kael’s gaze boring into my back, so empty of any memories we once might have had together.

  It is like losing my family a second time. If I have no family here, there is no reason to stay—

  Kateva. The thought
seems to surprise Kael almost as much as it does me. That is your full name, is it not?

  His confirmation overjoys me. Kael is not as lost as he thinks. That is right. So you do remember me.

  I can feel his frustration as it bubbles to the surface. His face remains impassive, grim and hard. Even after this, there is no welcome there. Bits and pieces, perhaps. What will I do with this information now that I have it?

  I am not prepared for such a question. It shocks me at first, and then fills me with sadness. He might remember my name, but in his eyes, nothing else has changed…and he does not want it to. I do not know, I admit. I hoped… And then I stop, because what did I hope? Did I hope he would have his memories back instantly? That his mind would be whole? That will not happen. I am broken. He is broken. This strange human world has bent us and reshaped us into new people.

  We might share blood, but we are no longer family. He is not to be my link to home, to our world and our people. He has no interest in such things.

  Kael’s mind touches mine again, in an almost-apology. While I do not love this world, I have a mate and child here. I have made a new home, a new family. They are everything to me. Even if I were offered the chance to return to our homeland, I would not leave their side for a heartbeat, and I cannot risk their safety by trying to take them back with me. This is now my home, and this is who I am.

  I understand.

  And I do. I truly do. Would I not feel the same if Gabe looked at me the way Kael’s mate looks at him? If I had a child of my own in my arms? If I had a home? I would not want to leave those things behind either.

  Gabe strokes my hair, his body language stiff. What is he saying to you? he asks, his mind gently prodding mine. He’s been quiet up until now, letting me speak uninterrupted with my brother, but now his thoughts are protective and full of budding anger. He thinks Kael has offended me and wants to protect me.

  And that makes me ache for what we cannot have. I want this protective, fierce human as my mate…but he does not want me enough.

  It is all right, I tell Gabe, and pull out of his arms. He feels a sense of loss when I do, but he lets me go. For a moment, I hate that he does. Why does he not fight harder to keep me in his arms? Do I not matter enough? Am I not worth fighting for? But I swallow my feelings and turn to look at Kael and his mate once more. He has moved to the human female and put his hands on her shoulders, pulling her against him. I notice his claws as they curl against her clothing, two of them shorn short on the same hand. I notice the way she leans against him, her child in her arms. They are together, one unit. Whole.

  For a moment, I am intensely jealous. Gabe and I are not the same. We are not one unit. He might be protective of me, but we are not whole. Why can’t we have that?

  A bubble of joy crashes into the tense undercurrent of unspoken thoughts. It is the baby, her delight simple and unfettered as she reaches up and taps her mother’s chin with a chubby hand.

  The human female studies me, her eyes curious. Then, she takes a step forward.

  My Claudia wishes to know if you would like to hold Sallavatri. There is warning in Kael’s thoughts, but apology, too. I know I cannot be the family you want, but perhaps here with your mate, you will make a new one. A new start.

  My throat clogs. I gaze at the beautiful baby in his mate’s arms and I am full of yearning. I have always wanted a child of my own, and to see that my brother has one with such a strong mind and born to a strong, proud name? It only increases the hunger in my spirit. I would like to hold her, I admit.

  The female approaches, the child held carefully in her arms. I can hear its gentle cooing before Sallavatri’s scent touches me. His mate’s scent fills my nostrils, too. She is a mixture of strange human things and Kael’s stronger, drakoni scent. His bites are on her neck and her blood is full of his fires, and that fills me with a different kind of hunger.

  My Gabe is not covered in my scent. In fact, we have not mated for days now and the scent of our connection grows less with every passing day. That hurts me, but I do not know how to be human enough to please him, and I am too drakoni to try.

  But I do not want to think about such things now, because Kael’s mate holds her child out to me and I take her carefully, mindful of my claws. I gaze down at the child in awe, fascinated. The baby is large and heavy, her scent a mixture of both drakoni and human. The eyes that blink up at me whirl with color, but her skin is so pale a gold that she almost seems translucent. Her hair sticks up in wild tufts like a drakoni’s thick locks, the color a deep gold. She is not red-scaled like I am. Tiny budding horns peek out from her hairline and I lift her to my face, breathing in her scent. I touch my mind to hers gently in greeting, and receive a slight touch back. It is more of an inquisitive poke, because Sallavatri is too young to speak, but she is curious all the same. Her laughter burbles up in her throat and her mind is full of joy as she notices the bright red fall of my hair, so I offer her a lock—and she grabs a happy fistful of it.

  I laugh, and my thoughts are full of joy as I hold her close. Tell your mate she is beyond beautiful, I say to Kael as I gaze down at the baby. She is not weak at all.

  Why would she be weak? His thoughts immediately grow defensive.

  I meant no offense. Just that humans are weaker than we are.

  Are they? I thought the same when I first came to myself again, but my Claudia is very strong. It is just that her strengths are different than mine. It does not mean she is weaker because she cannot beat me in a physical fight. We are strong in different ways. His thoughts fill with wry amusement. And your mate must not be weak if he defeated you.

  I press my mouth to Sallavatri’s sweet brow and turn to look at my Gabe. His hands are behind his back, clasped, his legs slightly apart. There is a tension in his body and a watchfulness in his pose. For a moment, I think he is afraid I will scare the child, but when I touch my mind to his, I realize I am wrong—he is mindful that I am not hurt by the others.

  That they do not harm me. Because he will attack if they try.

  That fills me with a curious sort of wonder. No, I tell Kael. I suppose there are many things I think about humans that are wrong. They are not weak. Not at all.

  Perhaps I am the arrogant, wrong one.

  21

  GABE

  It’s clear that this reunion didn’t go the way Teva planned. I can feel the misery rolling off of her as the afternoon passes awkwardly. Kael—the big male dragon—switches back to his large, golden battle form and flies off, leaving me with his mate, Claudia, and Teva.

  “He’s hunting some fresh meat for dinner,” Claudia says awkwardly. “You’re welcome to stay with us, considering he flew off without taking you back down. And it’s been a while since I’ve had human company. It’s a nice change.”

  So Teva and I hang around in the open-air apartment that Claudia and Kael have set up as their home, waiting for the dragon to return. It’s a pretty nice place by apocalypse standards. The roof has an enormous hole in it, so everything that’s open air is all patio furniture and items that won’t be destroyed by the weather. She has an open firepit with chairs parked around it, a couple of barbecue grills set at the edge of her “kitchen” area and a few doors lead off to the actual “rooms” of her apartment, where things like books and clothing are kept, as well as the bedding. It’s not perfect, she tells me, but it’s a compromise between her and Kael, who prefers to have open air close at hand at all times.

  We chat and have coffee while the baby sleeps. Claudia is welcoming to Teva, but it’s clear my mate isn’t interested in conversation. They can’t understand one another and Teva averts her gaze, staring off at nothing in particular, so even hand gestures and facial expressions are useless. After a few awkward tries, Claudia gives up. I hold Teva’s hand because she seems so sad and isolated, but even when I try to talk to her, she ignores me, too. She just holds my hand silently, so I drink coffee and Claudia and I talk about all the things we miss from Before.

 
It’s a long damn afternoon.

  Eventually the big dragon returns with a dead deer, and the baby starts to cry at the same time. Claudia gives us an apologetic look, picks up the baby from her crib, and moves to a quiet chair to feed her. Teva watches, her eyes whirling, as Kael drops the deer in the middle of the “living room” and then roosts high over his mate, watching her. Claudia chuckles every now and then, lost in conversation with Kael. I reach out to Teva, but she just watches them intently. Hungrily.

  All right, then. I get to my feet and butcher the deer. It’s the least I can do. It feels like the very least, but it’s something.

  We roast it up and eat, the awkward, occasional conversations almost painful. It’s clear to me that Kael isn’t entirely sure what to do around Teva and she’s hurting because of it. I want to shake the damn man for hurting my girl. Even so…he’s not much like my Teva. She has edges of wildness, but her ferocity is equaled by her sweetness.

  Kael seems completely wild. There are times he looks as if he’ll snap, destroying us all in a fell swoop. He makes me uneasy, because I want to protect Teva from her own damned brother.

  But Kael doesn’t look at her like a family member. He thinks of her as a stranger…so I stay on my guard.

  Claudia has a guest room she’s set up in their “apartment.” She says it was originally Amy’s room but now that she’s moved to Fort Shreveport, she keeps it comfortable for the inevitable guests that drop by. “You wouldn’t think visiting a couple of exiles is high on the list, but ever since Sallavatri was born…” She trails off with a shrug. “We’ve been the most popular people around.”