by D T Dyllin
I had to bite back a laugh, but a sincere one this time. She reminded me of Jenna so much. “I just can’t drink is all,” was my response. “But since we’re spilling secrets, why are you so excited about being invited, and why are you being so nice to me? I mean you’ve kind of been hanging around with me, and not with a whole lot of anyone else since I’ve met you.”
Laila’s cheeks flushed briefly. “I—ah—well—most of the kids I grew up with around here . . . they’re just different. It started happening sometime around middle school. At first it was just a couple of them, and I just chalked it up to people changin’ as they grow up, but lately . . . I don’t know, it’s like I don’t even know half of them anymore.” Her shoulders slumped and she let out a huge sigh. “It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? I mean some of them just creep me out somehow.”
I reached out and touched her shoulder briefly, meeting her eyes in the mirror. “I don’t think it’s weird at all. But if they creep you out then why do you wanna go to the party?”
She started applying lip-gloss as she talked to me. I decided to try and avoid my own appearance for as long as I could. I was getting more used to the white hair, but I still wasn’t a fan. “I’m just tired of feeling left out by the people who used to be my closest friends. They just stopped inviting me to their parties after this one night when . . .” Her mouth clamped shut in a thin line and her eyes took on a vacant look as she obviously relived the night she was referring to. “It just got really weird is all.”
“Okaaay,” I drew out as I lifted an eyebrow in question. “Care to elaborate?”
Laila made a big production out of stuffing her lip-gloss back into her bag and fussing with her hair before answering. “Not much else to say. It was weird.”
I could tell she was lying, but I also could tell that was about all I was going to get out of her for the moment, so I decided to temporarily drop it. “But you’re all gung ho to go to this party now? Aren’t you worried it’ll . . . get weird again?”
She gave me a nervous smile as she turned to leave the bathroom. “It was prolly just a misunderstanding of sorts, and I just overreacted.”
I frowned at the back of her head before I started to follow after her. “Yeah, okay.” I so didn’t have a good feeling about this.
The next couple of days passed by with nothing out of the ordinary. How going to school, while pregnant with a child who I didn’t know who the father was, while I tried to remain undiscovered by alien parasites hiding inside of my peers, had become ordinary was beyond me—but it had. Nala mostly kept to herself, except when she was attempting to push healthier food down my throat or stinky tea for my morning sickness. But my nights were filled with Bryn. Some were memories, and some were nightmares, but every night when I closed my eyes, I knew I would come face to face with his fathomless dark blue eyes and the man who owned them. I wasn’t sure what it meant that the longer I was away from Khol, the less I thought about him and the more I did Bryn. I was starting to question how I had any romantic feelings for Khol at all after what happened between us. He had forced himself into my bed, and caused me to attempt to end my own life. Forgiving him, knowing what I did now, yes . . . but the rest . . . everything was just so mixed up in my head.
I was currently caught up in the memory of the first night Bryn and I had ever been together. It was so real I could almost believe I was reliving that night.
I could hardly wait to feel Bryn’s arms around me, and I fully expected to be greeted with the same enthusiasm from him, and yet when I went to him, his arms stayed limp at his sides and his eyes regarded me with dark emotion. “What’s wrong?” I asked studying his face for some clue. He didn’t say anything; he just kept watching me, his eyes churning with something I couldn’t read. When I looked closer, I could see his whole body was wrought with tension. “Bryn?” I licked my lips nervously, noting that his eyes followed my every move. He slowly stalked toward me, backing me up against the wall. His hands came to rest on either side of my head, balled into fists. And even though he seemed so angry, so dangerous, my breath caught in my throat and my pulse began to race with excitement. “Bryn?” I said again, my voice coming out breathy and low.
“I couldn’t stand seeing you leave with him,” Bryn practically growled, his voice so low I barely recognized it. “I had to fight everything in me to not come after you.” His chest was heaving as he tried to keep himself calm. “You’re mine. I won’t share you.”
“It’s not real Bryn. You know that, I’m yours—all yours.”
He stared at me a few more seconds, his eyes raging with so many dark emotions. “It felt real, Peej—so real. It felt like I was losing you to him.”
I reached up and cupped his face, feeling his jaw tick with tension. “I’m here now. And I’m yours. Always.”
He caught my lips with his, taking my mouth forcefully, dominating me like he never had before. I welcomed the feel of his jealousy turning into passion as he explored me with his tongue and mouth. Our clothes began falling away, and soon we were both left in just our underwear. Usually this was the point where Bryn and I stopped. We hadn’t gone much farther than heavy petting and neither one of us had been completely naked in front of the other. Our physical relationship was just so new that we were both in awe of the simple things, like kissing and touching, but tonight—tonight Bryn didn’t show any signs of stopping. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to protest. I’d wanted to give my virginity to him since the first night in the woods. He was the one who didn’t feel like it was the right time or place; he was the one who felt I needed more for my first time. Even though all I really needed or wanted was him—that’s all I’d ever need.
“I need you, Peej,” Bryn rumbled as his fingers deftly dipped down under my panties. I moaned as his long fingers explored areas where no boy had ever gone before.
“Yes,” I gasped into his mouth. Bryn made quick work of getting my bra and panties off, lifting me up and setting me down on his bed. He joined me there, but not before sitting back to study me in all my naked glory. I fidgeted under his rapt gaze. “Bryn,” I pleaded reaching for him. It was one thing to be naked with Bryn while we were kissing and touching but I didn’t like him studying me while I just laid on his bed stark naked.
“You’re so beautiful,” Bryn whispered in reverence. He then came to rest over me, his pelvis cradled in between my legs. I attempted to swallow back my nerves as it really sunk in that Bryn and I were going to have sex. I locked gazes with him and his sea storm eyes pulled me under, washing away all my trepidations. “You still taking the pill?” Bryn asked huskily.
Reality check. “Yeah.” My mom would be absolutely furious if she knew I was using the pill for its intended purpose and not just to regulate my period. Especially if she found out I was using it with Bryn on the heels of a date with someone she had set me up with. “What about your parents—”
“Not here,” Bryn said as he dipped his head delivering me with more kisses before pulling away again. “You ready? I don’t wanna hurt you.”
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I whispered, looking deep into his dark blue eyes. The way he looked at me in that moment, the love that emanated from him made me feel like the most beautiful and special girl in the entire world. Someone who looked at me like that deserved to have everything that I was, mind, body, and soul. So far he’d only received two of those three. Tonight he would have everything.
As he pushed into me, filling me in a way I’d never been able to imagine, I tried to mentally prepare myself for the pain. From all accounts, the first time for a girl was almost always painful, and I thought I was ready, but no amount of mental preparation could have readied me for the level of pain I was currently experiencing. I gritted my teeth and dug my nails into Bryn’s shoulders, not wanting him to know how much it really hurt. But it was short lived, the pain I mean, and slowly, ever so slowly, as Bryn rocked back and forth inside of me, the pain began to be replaced by pleasure. A deep-seated pleasure that
made me truly understand for the first time why people like Jenna were so sex crazed.
My entire world narrowed down to Bryn and me, and I could no longer tell where I ended and he began. Surely there was nothing closer to bliss than being in the arms of the man I loved, and sharing such intimacy with him. A feeling of warmth bloomed in my center, pushing outward into spasms of ecstasy. Bryn captured my face in his palms, forcing me to look at him instead of throwing my head back like I wanted. He didn’t last too much longer after that, and I slumped down in his bed feeling completely boneless. Never, ever had I imagined sex would be so wonderful, or maybe it was just that way with Bryn.
I smiled up at him as he collapsed above me, careful not to put his full body weight on me. I ran my hands through his silky tasseled hair, and then down over his sweaty back.
He shuddered at my touch, leaning forward to kiss me with a slow languidness that spoke of shared intimacies, and unspoken promises. “I love you, Peej. More than I can even begin to explain.” His voice was so low and husky it seemed to brush things on my insides, making me shudder in turn.
I gazed up into his eyes with adoration. “I love you too,” I whispered, surprised at how husky my own voice sounded. I wished I could stay in his arms forever, forgetting about the outside world and all the problems it contained. But our love wouldn’t be enough to protect us from our parent’s wrath if they found us like this.
I must have frowned because Bryn’s brow furrowed as he looked at me. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“No, Bryn.” I bit my lower lip thinking about what we’d just done. “You made my first time more amazing than I ever could have imagined.” He grinned at me, a look of pure male pride washing over his features. “I just wish I could stay here with you and not worry about everything else.”
He rolled onto his back tucking me into his side so my head rested on his chest. “I hate this, Peej. I just wanna be with you. I wanna be able to touch when I want, to kiss you when I want. I wanna yell from the roof tops that you’re mine.” He pulled his fingers through my hair. “I don’t wanna have to watch you go out on dates with other guys.” I felt his fist ball up in my hair.
“It wasn’t so bad tonight, was it? I mean, yeah, it sucked that I had to go on that date, but”—I lifted my head so I could look in his eyes—“look at where we ended up.”
He frowned at me. “I’m sorry, Peej. I really wanted your first time to be more special, not in my bedroom because I was crazy with jealously over some guy that you’re not even really dating. I just—”
“Shhh . . .” I brought my index finger up to his lips. “I’m glad it happened. I wanna give everything that I am to you, Bryn. The rest doesn’t matter. Tonight was the best night of my life so far because I just shared something with you that I’ve never shared with anyone else. You own me now—heart, soul . . . and body.”
“You own me too, Peej. Everything that I have—that I am—belongs to you and only you. Always.” His lips sought mine out and our kisses began to become more fevered again.
Then my dream shifted to another night that held a first for me, but of a much different kind. It was the night that I was first been with Khol . . . so really my dream shifted to a nightmare.
“Khol,” I croaked. “Khol—I’m ready.” Am I really ready to die though? Could I really do this?
Khol appeared in front of me only a few inches away and pushed me back onto the bed and covered me with his body as he aggressively kissed me. He was obviously ready to get down to business, and maybe it was better that way, so I wouldn’t have a chance to over think things and lose my nerve.
My body immediately responded to his heated kisses, even as my heart felt like a block of ice inside my chest. As he tore at my clothes, I found myself arching up to meet him, wanting, at least physically what he had to offer. Too soon, or not soon enough, we were both naked and Khol was claiming parts of my body with his touch that I swore only Bryn would ever know. I clawed and bit at Khol, wanting to hurt him in some way as he rocked into me, hating and loving what he was doing to me at the same time. Things with him were different than they’d ever been with Bryn. There was no soul deep feeling of connection. There was no feeling of being exactly where I belonged. All I felt was intense physical pleasure, which maybe would have been enough, if I didn’t know what I was missing.
Intense heat seemed to seep out of Khol and wrap itself around me as the back of my neck started to burn. “You’re mine,” Khol growled as he looked down at me capturing my gaze. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
“Yes,” I said on the tail end of a moan, wishing I could deny the words, but I felt it—I felt his magic branding me.
“And I’m yours. Say it.”
“Yes. You’re mine.” And then I arched up one last time before I blacked out.
I had let Khol claim me, I remembered as I slowly fought my way back to consciousness, and it left me feeling empty—oh, so empty. When I’d been with Bryn, I’d felt so good, so right . . . but being with Khol had been wrong . . . even if he had brought me pleasure. Maybe it wouldn’t be as difficult as I thought it would be to take my own life after letting Khol claim me. Had Bryn felt our connection breaking? Surely he had to of. What must he think of me now, knowing what I’d done to make that happen?
I blinked my eyes open to find that I was alone, no Khol to be found. Well, isn’t that nice, he finally got what he wanted and he didn’t bother to stick around afterwards. I lurched from bed, stumbling toward the bathroom, not caring if I was naked or not, it didn’t matter for what I was about to do. I shut and locked the door, and started the water running for the bath. As the hot water filled the tub, I scanned the bathroom for options. My eyes stopped when they ran over a small hand mirror. I snatched it up and broke it on the counter, picking up the largest shard. I had to do it—I had to do it now before I lost my courage. I stepped into the tub, hardly noticing when the much too hot water practically scalded me, and sank down in the nearly full tub. I set the glass shard on the edge. When the water covered me up past my chest, I turned it off, picked up the shard and leaned back in the tub.
I passed the glass shard back and forth between my hands, watching the lights glint menacingly off its surface. I had to do it—there was no other way. I refused to doom Bryn to a miserable life; my death would bring him happiness. Besides that, the emptiness that I felt knowing that I could never have him again was enough to make me want to end my life all in itself. But I wouldn’t have done it for myself. I’d always thought suicide was the coward’s way out, an easy escape from problems that would only make a person stronger if they stayed to face them. What would have happened if the hero of a story died before they had a chance to become who they were really meant to be? I never thought myself capable of doing such a thing, but then again maybe I wasn’t the hero of this story. I wanted to live—even now as I readied myself for death—I craved life. There was still so much to do, so much to experience, the good and the bad . . . I didn’t want to die now. No—it wasn’t time for selfish thoughts—this is for Bryn. Everything is for Bryn.
I held the glass tightly in my right hand, so tightly that I drew blood, just not from the right place . . . yet. I pressed the glass to my left wrist making sure I cut deep and quickly, barely able to grip it in my left hand to repeat the process on my right wrist. I just had to hope it was enough. Dropping the shard and sinking back into the tub, I closed my eyes and waited for death—my death.
“No!” I heard someone roar with outrage, but it was far away, much too far away to care.
“Peej! How could you do this? How could you let this happen?” Another voice sounded from much too far away. “Save her!”
But I was just sleepy . . . too sleepy to care.
I came to in my bed, the sheets clinging to my sweaty body, and my hair plastered to my face. Why was my mind insistent on showing me things like that? I thought I had memories such as the first time I was with Khol and the night I tried to take my ow
n life suppressed far enough down that I wouldn’t be plagued with such nightmares. What was the point? What was my subconscious trying to tell me this time? It was clear that it had shown me my first times both with Khol and Bryn . . . as what . . . a comparison? Did I want myself to remember how I used to feel about the both of them as opposed to what I felt now? Did I want myself to remember the type of love I felt for Bryn that led to my attempted suicide solely for his happiness. That was before he walked away from you, a not so helpful voice in my mind offered. No. Suddenly it felt like an internal light switch had been flipped on. A feeling of resolution settled over me . . . finally.
Real love, true love . . . the kind of life altering love that Bryn and I share just doesn’t go away that easily. That kind of love takes root in your heart and spreads throughout every fiber of your being. That kind of love makes you feel only half alive whenever the other person isn’t around. That’s what Bryn and I have, and it shouldn’t matter that he walked away from me. It shouldn’t matter that he was acting on some misplaced sense of duty to protect me—because he did those things out of love. He loves me just as much as he always has; he’s just an idiot is all.
I laughed out loud. Of course, that part has always been true as well. It’d be different if he had cheated on me, or abused me, or some other unforgivable offense. I thought Bryn had been the one to break our relationship, but maybe the truth was that we had both done that. But the kind of love that Bryn and I shared could fix anything. Had The Princess Bride taught me nothing? I loved Khol, the man that he’d become for me, but I could never love him the way that I loved Bryn. I was kidding myself to think so. Bryn and I had promised each other always, and I wasn’t going to let my own insecurities stand in the way of that, or his for that matter either. When I saw Khol and Bryn again, I would let them know my decision. I would let them know that it would be Bryn or no one for me . . . always.