by Belleza
“Wow, I wish my son father thought like you.”
“Every man isn’t the same.”
“Tell me about it.”
From there we started talking about our sons, and she wanted advice on how she could get through her son when it came to his academics.
In the midst of our conversation I learned, she was a single mother that worked at a Cafe Bakery in the city as a shift supervisor. Her job made it difficult for her to be there for her son’s games but she wanted to make a better effort at being there for him without letting work interfere.
I couldn’t really relate, but I knew this was a struggle many parents faced. We all had to make money to survive so many people were faced with the only option to do what makes them money.
She wasn’t exactly sure what she was passionate about besides her child because she had to worry about surviving. Her son's dad checked out on her years ago and left her in crazy debt, so she was trying to stay afloat.
I had so many opportunities with the club which was mainly night gigs, but shit, I was the boss so I could make any position I wanted. I felt compelled to help her out, and it worked in my favor because I honestly didn’t want to make this the last encounter I had with her.
“I own a few businesses, and I can use an extra manager to run a location.”
“What kind of business?” she asked.
“I own a few clubs and lounges. I know you have your son and if it works out with your schedule you can be the kitchen staff or a part of the inventory team. They only work three days out the week and have flexible hours.”
She looked like she was in deep thought about my offer and shook her head. “Three days? I can’t take a pay cut.”
“Who said it was a pay cut? What you’re making as a shift in two weeks my people probably make in a week.”
“Sounds like you’re wasting money.”
“How am I? These billion dollar companies are basically modern day slavery paying employees pennies on the dollar to run a business they don’t even step foot in outside of little tours to make sure shit is running the way they see fit. I’m not like that and trust me nothing I invest in is a waste, and that includes everyone that’s a part of my team.”
“It sounds tempting. I just been with the company for ten years and they worked with me so much being as though I’m a single parent.”
“Work with you how? You’re missing out on what’s important to you and your child to benefit them. Believe me when I say, they don’t give a fuck about you or what you have going on. Pretty much, it sounds like you’re afraid of change you will never know what’s out there for you unless you go out and see for yourself.”
“But you’re a businessman as well. I’m sure you don’t give a fuck about what I have going on,” she shot back, and I found her feistiness amusing. It showed she at least stuck up for herself and asked questions instead of just going with the flow or jumping ship.
“That’s very true to an extent, but before the business, I was a starving struggling kid who looked after my two brothers. We never really had anything to eat, barely could wash our ass. I was left with the option to drop out and hustle just so my brothers wouldn’t suffer. So, yes I am a businessman, but I’m so many other things that trump any establishment I have. The money is going to come, and I can’t take it with me when I die.”
Her facial expression softened after I briefly gave her a rundown on who I was. I was a big man, and my heart was just as huge as my body. As ruthless as I could be I loved just as hard.
But she was a stranger.
Why the fuck am I thinking about love?
“And for the record, I do care about what you have going on. I wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation willing to change your whole entire life.”
She fought hard to fight back the smile that was threatening to creep up on her face. “Why though?”
I blew out a deep breath reminding myself I was getting in my feeling.
“Let’s finish enjoying the basketball game, and we can talk business another day. I pulled out my phone and asked her for her name and number.”
She told me her name was Natavia, and she rattled off her phone number. After storing it in my phone, I called her and told her to lock me in as Johan.
As much as we were supposed to finish enjoying the game we were talking and laughing, and I could say it honestly felt good to have my mind taken off everything that was going.
Natavia was really sweet and down to earth and it was rare to be able to connect instantly with someone you didn’t know. Normally people that knew me more than likely saw dollar signs and wanted to hop on my bandwagon. Either she was good at pretending, or she really lived under a rock. It was a good feeling that she wanted to know Johan the businessman, rather than Johan, the street king.
We were so deep in a conversation I didn’t notice Tabitha standing over us giving Natavia the death stare. Natavia looked at her and then back at me confused.
The buzzer sounded, indicating the game ended and I checked the scoreboard, and my boys won of course by one point this time.
“Um… am I missing something?” Natavia asked when she realized that Tabitha wasn’t going to stop grilling her.
“This is my-“
“Wife,” she added in lying her fucking ass off.
“Ex-wife,” I corrected.
Tabitha lifted her left hand, and she happened to still have her wedding set on.
Natavia shook her head and stood to her feet.
“Excuse me,” she said sliding past Tabitha. She didn’t bother to look back my way or say goodbye. Tabitha knew exactly what she was fucking doing. I was glad I had Natavia’s number so I could apologize for her childish ass behavior.
“What you doing here?” I questioned her.
“Well, I am their mother. I came to support my sons.”
“How when the damn game is over? And what’s up with that wife shit. You know me, and you aren’t married anymore.”
“So that means you hop on the first bitch that smiles in your face? Or maybe she’s been around the entire time?” she quizzed, and I waved her off.
“None of that should matter to you. You’re here for the boys or to worry about what I got going on?”
Tabitha sucked her teeth and sat down next to me, and I left her where she was seated to go meet Jarod and Jace. I quickly scanned the gym room in hopes that Natavia didn’t leave but was only disappointed to realize that she was gone.
TABITHA
What I was hoping to be a nice family gathering turned out to be dinner with just the boys and Johan in his own world on his phone. I sat across from him and Jace in the booth with Jarod next to me wishing I was a fly that landed on his shoulders so I could figure out what in the world held his attention.
I was praying it wasn’t that woman at the basketball game because he, sure enough, snapped on me because I said I was his wife. Yeah, I wasn’t technically his wife anymore, but I still had feelings and those didn’t just erase over time no matter what paperwork I signed.
At first glance, I thought there was no way he could be into her, but I couldn’t even lie mystery girl was a plus-sized beauty. She wore it well and had confidence out of this world. She definitely was mature because she was not feeding into the bullshit I was throwing her way.
Regardless, the thought made me sick. I ordered a salad and had no desire to eat it because my stomach was twisting and turning thinking about the man I loved being involved with another woman.
It was a selfish way to think being as though I cheated most of our relationship with someone who was technically his family.
“Who or what is so important?”
Johan just lifted his eyes and his phone rang. I tilted my head to the side waiting for an answer, and he sighed before he stood to answer his ringing phone and take the phone call away from us.
I released a deep breath to calm my nerves and pushed my plate of food away from me. Easy thought getting back
on his good side was going to be a piece of cake. Shit, I did as well but Johan as really done. He rarely looked my way and only communicated when it was about our children.
My life was spiraling out of control. There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about Shirley and what I did to her. I tried to reason with myself over and over again that it was something I had to do. Easy was ready to kill my ass. If the shoe was on the other foot would she spare my life for hers? Fuck no!
It just hurt seeing how Johan been so distant and in another world. He was already a closed off person so I knew the pain ran deeper than what I could see.
“Ma, is everything ok?” Jace asked as I swiftly wiped away a tear I didn’t want him to see.
“Yes, I’m fine. It’s just a lot going on?”
“Like what?”
“Your father didn’t tell you?”
Jace shook his head, but Jarod spoke up. “Nah, but it’s pretty obvious that y’all aren’t together anymore.”
“Who told you that?” I snapped.
Jarod shrugged and took a sip of his Pepsi. “No one but I don’t see his ring, and you’re never at the house.”
“That’s doesn’t mean anything Jarod!”
“Well he is right,” Jace added.
I glared at both of my sons feeling like a boulder was crushing my chest. Were my baby boys turning against me?
“Stay in a child’s place!” I shot back at them, and they shut their mouths immediately.
“Why are you talking to them like that?”
Johan startled me. He shot me a look as he slid in next to Jace.
“Don’t tell me how to speak to my sons who are speaking about crap they know nothing about. You’re brainwashing my kids to hate me.”
“Really? They’re old enough to realize bullshit when they see it. What we go through is between you and me and honestly, we shouldn’t be discussing this right now.”
“No! We’re going to talk about it since they know we aren’t together.”
“You ain’t tell them?” he asked with a shocked expression on his face. I assumed he did, but the look he was giving me and the question now led me to believe he didn’t.
“No.”
“Well I gave you time to discuss that on your behalf, and you didn’t.”
“There’s no point now because they see you don’t have your ring on!”
“Yeah because when you’re not married, you don’t wear one. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
My mouth dropped, and I wish I could shrink and crawl under the table. As bad as I wanted to forget he no longer was my husband he painfully reminded me we were done.
“I’m ready to go.”
“Then go. We came in different cars,” he responded. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to cry in front of my sons, so I slid out of the booth and shamefully left out of the restaurant without saying bye.
***
“All you do is cry. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I glanced over at Easy rolling my eyes at her. She’s become so annoying, and I felt foolish for even getting caught up in her mess.
“Why don’t you leave me alone?”
“Did you go see Johan?”
“I went to see my kids. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“What you mean?”
“Nothing in life is free and the rent is high as fuck in here. It’s time for you start putting in work.”
I sighed and rubbed my throbbing head. As of late, that’s all I’ve been doing. With the drama and lack of sleep. I was falling apart.
“I have money, Easy. How much is the rent?”
“I don’t want your money. I want you to work-“
“Did you tell the bitch?!”
From the shrill of her voice, I knew it wasn’t anybody but Karla. She strutted into the bedroom with her five-inch heels looking like she was fresh off the runway shooting daggers at me.
“Who you calling a bitch?” I asked back.
“You’re the only bitch that has to go!” she retorted, and I lunged off the bed wanting to wrap her hair around my hands and bash her face in.
Easy caught me in her arms and threw me back on the bed.
“Didn’t I tell your hard headed ass to wait in the fucking car?! Get the fuck out!” she shouted at Karla.
She eyed me and then swiftly left back out from where she came in from. I jumped up from the bed and went to the closest to grab my suitcase. There was no way I was staying somewhere I wasn’t wanted. Shit, I wanted to get away from Easy’s crazy ass, and this was the perfect opportunity.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving. I don’t have to put up with this.”
“Nah, your ass staying right here.”
Easy grabbed my arm, and I spun around swinging on her. I don’t know where I was hitting, but I balled my fist up and let loose.
Once she got control of my arms, she enclosed me in a bear hug preventing me from swinging again.
“Make this the last time you put your fucking hands on me,” she said through gritted teeth.
“I’m so tired of you!” I belted out with tears streaming down my face. My body shook violently from the pent up anger I had inside. Easy wasn’t the person I fell for, and she got me in tied up in her web of deceit.
She let me go with a shove and pulled out a gun and pointed it at me.
“You want me to help you out with that?” she snarled. “I’ll take you out our fucking misery and have your body delivered to your fucking kid's house. Is that what you want since you’re so fucking tired.”
I rapidly moved my head from side to side scared for my life. Thoughts of my sons flashed through my mind, and I knew I couldn’t just give up on them. But then I thought about once all the smoke cleared, I was as good as dead. There was no question about it.
“Go ahead and shoot me! Whether I die now or later, it’s going to happen.”
Easy laughed and put the gun down. “Of course and that would be too easy. I’m not going to kill you because once it’s all said and done, I’m sure your ex-husband, his brothers or their uncle will be the one to do the deed.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat thinking of all the ways I’ll be tortured to the point I will be begging to die. It made goosebumps cover my skin and my heart race. In the cool room I felt hot, beads of sweats covered my skin before tears poured from my eyes.
“Just kill me! I have nothing to live for.”
I felt Easy come closer to me and she crouched down to where I sat on the floor praying for it all to end. It made me a little more at ease to know I can die at this very moment versus constantly looking over my back wondering when I’ll be snatched up and locked away.
“It don’t gotta be like that. I can protect you Tab. Remember when it was just me and you against the world? You was my ride or die. What happened?”
Lifting my face from my drenched hands, I glared at her knowing she had to be playing with me. There was no way I would reminisce about anything we did. It was all fake, and she used me to only get what she wanted. Hell, she was still using me.
“You told me you loved me when you didn’t.”
“I loved what you could do for me. The sex was a’ight.”
My eyebrows furrowed and she laughed sinisterly and pressed her lips hard against my forehead.
“Just remember it’s either my way or no way. I will hand you over to the Moseley’s with the same gun your fingerprints are all over. Which one is it gonna be?”
“What do you want from me?” I cried. “Just do as I fucking say. I’ll be back later. They’re short in one of the traps and need your help. You ever bagged coke?”
I shook my head staring at the lines of the hardwood floors.
“It’s simple. If you can do that with no problem, you’ll move up in no time.”
“I don’t want to move up. I want out. I’ll work to pay off whatever debt you ca
lculated in your mind, but just allow me to leave. I promise on everything I love I won’t be an issue. I won’t say shit.”
“My way or no way,” she told me standing up and heading towards the doors. “I’ll give you the address later. Make sure you’re ready and on time.”
I didn’t move until I heard the front door open and close before I burst into tears. I was sick of crying but at this point what else could I possibly do? Easy was going to make this really difficult for me.
Easing up off the floor I went to the kitchen and got my bottle of Honey Jack and went to the bathroom.
In front of the mirror, I stared at my reflection no longer recognizing the woman I used to be. Back then, I was vibrant. I was happy. I was definitely loved. It ate me up inside now because I took advantage of all the things I had for this shit. Telling Johan, I wasn’t happy when it was just my guilt and my mind making me believe Easy was what I wanted.
She said all the right things. She was the devil in sheep's clothing and covered my eyes with her lies only allowing me to hear what she wanted me to believe which is why I flipped on my husband. Johan was a good man. He wasn’t always picture perfect, but I could say he did change to become a better man for my sons and I. Like they said, you don’t miss what you have until it’s gone. And I missed the life we had.
My days were long and my nights were even longer because I was too afraid to even sleep because all I did was dream about Shirley. It was a never-ending cycle, and just when I thought I could possibly get my old life back, Johan was making googly eyes with another woman.
My life was over.
I snatched my view from the mirror and gazed at the knife that was on the sink. I had no clue why it was there, but something in my mind told me I should use it to speed up the process of my life ending. Why wait around for someone to kill me when I can get it done myself?
I opened up the bottle of Honey Jack, and turned it up. The golden brown liquor burned my throat as it went down and I squinted my eyes to shake off the vile taste.
I then sat at the edge of the tub and placed the stopper in the hole and turned a mixture of hot and cold water on. As I watched the water fill up the tub, I guzzled back the bottle and held on tightly to the knife thinking about the life I was never going to have.