by Belleza
When I thought about my sons, I punked out, but a nagging voice in my head kept telling me I was going to die regardless.
Once the tub was filled, I stepped into the bathtub and eased my body down into the water. For a few minutes, I just stared at the knife not really wanting to go. I was only 28 years old. It was too soon to die, but I didn’t have nothing else to live for.
Pressing the blade against my wrist, I pulled it down swiftly, and I screeched out as my skin burst open and my blood seeped out.
I was shaking uncontrollably and as I stared at the open wound tears poured from my eyes. I picked up the bottle of liquor and kept drinking watching the clear water quickly turned into a little spot of pink and then red.
MILL
Despite the fact that my shoulder was still bandaged up, I still had deadlines I had to meet in order to graduate. After a short day of student teaching, I went to go study at my school's library and then stopped at my parent's house to talk to them.
My mind was still rattled from the entire ordeal of being shot at. Even with the bodyguards riding close behind me in the car I was now being chauffeured in, I was a slightly shaken up when a car rode too close or cut us off. Asahd reminded me that he paid top dollar to keep me out of danger. I didn’t want to get shot at and I damn sure ain’t want no one else taking a bullet either. I couldn’t stay in the house forever, so I had to chalk it up and just hope nothing bad happened again.
When I got to their house, I was surprised to see that neither of them were home and when I called their phone it went straight to voicemail. It had me in a panic because the first thing I thought of was that they got kidnapped.
After locking up the house, I rushed back to the car and called Asahd immediately. My heart was beating rapidly scared my parents got caught up in the mess as well, or maybe it was their own shit with a local drug dealer.
“Sup babe,” he spoke after answering on the third ring.
“My parents aren’t home! It looks like they haven’t been there for days and they aren’t answering their phone.” I released a deep breath to calm down and control the thumping of my heart before I passed out in the back of the truck. One of the bodyguards named shark passed me a bottle of water, and I graciously took it and drunk some of it.”
“They’re cool, Mill.”
“How you know?”
“I’ll explain once I see you. I just need you to calm down. It sounds like you’re ready to pass the fuck out.”
“Please just tell me that they’re ok.”
“They are babe. They don’t like my ass, but I know they’re chilling. Relax, and I’ll see you in a little bit. I gotta make this run with my brothers.”
“Ok, I love you,” I said and pursed my lips when I realized I said those words to him. It came out of nowhere. Was it how I really felt? Yes, but I didn’t mean to express that. Just when I was calm, my heart began to race again, and I was mentally kicking my ass for saying that.
I knew Asahd cared for me. It could’ve been love, but he never expressed that verbally of course. His actions did show that what he felt for me was deep, very deep.
My nerves calmed down when he broke the pause and told me he loved me as well and told me he was going to see me soon. I exhaled a sigh of relief once I hung up. I allowed my body to relax in the soft seats of the Suburban and cleared my head.
***
“Milly Rock, are you going to tell me what happened to your shoulder?”
Keira and I glanced at each other before we focused on Za’naa who had her eyes trained on me waiting for my response which would more than likely bring out another question.
Once I got home, I didn’t feel like being left alone, so I got washed and changed and headed down the street to Zayne’s house.
He was out, and Keira was doing her wifely duties getting dinner together. She was making chicken and shrimp Cajun pasta, and I had bowls ready to take back with me.
“I got into a bad accident, and my shoulder got messed up.”
Za’naa stared at me before a slight frown formed on her pretty face.
“Are you ok?”
The genuine concern she showed warmed my heart and had me smiling. She was definitely the sweetest girl ever.
“Yes, I am.”
“That’s good. I wish someone would’ve told me because I would’ve made you a get well card.”
“You know what, I can still use one of those. I’m sure it will be better than these pills I gotta take.”
“What pills?” she asked back right away. Her bushy eyebrows that graced her face turned into a deep arch.
Oh goodness!
I snickered once her sad expression turned into a concerned look that resembled a mother talking to a child.
“Pain pills. Sometimes my shoulder aches. I don’t take it often though. Pill police Asahd makes sure of that.”
“Well, that’s good. I’m about to make you a card so you can take it home with you,” she said sliding off the chair. “I’ll be right back.”
I watched her leave out of the kitchen to go fetch whatever she needed to make this card for me, and Keira just giggled.
“You got her started.”
“You know how Za’naa is. She wants to make sure everyone is happy which is why I love her.”
“That’s my baby.”
Keira took the cutting board where she was dicing up the diced chicken breast and slid it into the sizzling pan.
“Speaking of babies, how’s the little one doing?” I questioned her.
“This baby is doing just fine. I’ve been sick as shit the past couple days though.”
“Welcome to motherhood!” I told her, and she looked back at me rolling her eyes hard.
“Don’t get me started, please. When you gonna get knocked up. Our babies can be close in age. Wasn’t that our dream?”
“No hoe. You never wanted to have kids. You don’t remember that?”
All Keira did was smile because she knew I was telling the truth. Whatever Zayne was doing to my girlfriend he had to keep it up. I accepted her crazy ass, but she was a whole new woman now in the kitchen making meals and playing her role as a stepmom and girlfriend.
“Yes, I do. I don’t need you reminding me, but seriously, when will you have a baby? Asahd has been very inquisitive about me being pregnant.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, asking me about my prenatal pills and stuff. He asked me if I thought you’d have his baby.”
“And what you say?”
“I said of course! Which is why instead of taking them pain pills you need to take some more vitamin D.”
“Vitamin D?” my eyebrows snapped together, and then my mouth dropped as she snickered because she realized I caught on. “You’re disgusting.”
“I’m disgusting? I believe you do the same exact things I do. I’m your best friend, and you knew my sex life was like an open book.”
“Still disgusting.”
She waved me off and went to go stir the pot of the sauce she made from scratch. “About that baby.”
“There will be no baby. Can I enjoy my freedom for a little bit longer? Besides, Asahd and I are new, very new, we don’t need to add a child into the equation. His nephews, Za’naa and your bun that’s currently still cooking are just enough.”
“But everyone you just named gets returned to a sender. There’s nothing like having your own little one to love on. If Asahd wants a baby, you gotta give it to him. You know how he is so maybe a miracle is happening to him.”
“He’s just happy.”
“And in love,” she added which caused my face to flush. I still haven’t accepted that that was what it was between us. Yes, I said it, but I often questioned myself if it was real. I loved Joshua, shit, at least I thought I did and he didn’t make me feel as good as I did with Asahd.
“You think he loves me?”
“I know he does. A blind man can see that shit. I’ve been around the man, I’ve seen him inter
act with women, and he only paid them mind when it came to one thing. There’s no comparison. Yes, the relationship is new but who said there was a time limit on love? You can’t control how you feel, and if you hold back from something good, you’re only cheating yourself.”
“Who are you again?” I questioned tilting my head to the side because I couldn’t believe this was my friend speaking this way.
“Bitch, don’t do me. I’m a changed woman.”
“I see. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” she gushed sarcastically, and I shot her a bird.
“So have you spoken to your father.”
“I text Alexander back once in a while. We’re cool, but we ain’t all like that. He keeps asking for me to come over but I see myself just ending up in jail. Rachel be testing me.”
“I can’t stand her,” I admitted knowing how shady she’s been towards Keira.
“Fuck her and Alexander for real for real. I’m only being nice because I don’t need pent up negative energy.”
The conversation quickly turned into one about my parents which reminded me I needed to talk to Asahd about whatever he did to them. Soon as the food was finished, Asahd and Zayne returned, and Za’naa was all done with my card. We all ate and sat around watching a movie Za’naa talked us into watching. She ended up falling asleep halfway into it.
Asahd and I got our packed up food, said our goodbyes and headed down the street to his house. I got there before him and waited for him to open the door when I had the key and actual code to let myself in.
“Why do you keep doing that? You know you can open the door yourself unless you’re big on the whole chivalry thing,” he said punching in the code, and I rolled my eyes to the top of my head.
“No smart ass, it just feels weird letting myself into someone’s house.”
He looked back at me as he keyed in the code. He pushed the door open and held it back slapping my ass as I walked past him.
“This is your house too unless you forgot.”
“It was yours and whoever else’s before I was forced to move here,” I stated just to get him started.
“Now you know no bitch stepped foot in my place,” he said defensively, and I laughed because I knew exactly how to get to him.
I continued to the kitchen and placed our food in the fridge and joined him upstairs where he was already peeling his clothes off his body. I was in a trance watching the layers of clothing get taken off revealing his hickory brown colored skin.
Asahd was a work of art perfectly crafted by God, and my body reacted simply off just watching him like a prized possession.
I slipped my Ugg slippers off my feet and followed suit taking off my clothes and getting into the bed. Asahd got in as well, laying on top of me, and wedging his body in between my legs. He kissed my lips and laid his head on my chest, and I circled my arms around him.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked him.
“You. Weren’t you supposed to ask me about your parents?”
“Yes, what did you do to them?”
He lifted his head, and I peered down at him.
“I got them checked into rehab in Allentown. I know it’s not my place to do some shit like that, but ya peoples need to get their shit together. They were almost about to lose everything, and I know that would’ve made you feel like it was your fault even though you had nothing to do with their addiction.”
“You’re right, but you don’t either. My father gives you hell.”
“It’s a good thing I ain’t a weak nigga right?” he chuckled. “I ain’t sweating ya pops. I know he only means well and you love them. I did this for all of you. In a way it makes me think about my mom. I spent so much time resenting her because of her addiction. Now that I’m older I can actually see it from a different point of view. What if she had someone to help her get off that shit, would she be here?”
Asahd got quiet, and I enclosed my arms tighter around him. When he spoke about his mother, I realized how his body got tense but as we allowed the silence to take over and I held him close his body relaxed.
I was grateful that he took that initiative in getting my parents on the right track again. I didn’t know how bad their addiction was or if the program was worth a shot, but what I did know for sure was that Asahd had a heart of gold and for him to go out his way to help people that didn’t like him spoke volumes. There was nothing like having that one person in your life that not only loved you but everything that was a part of you.
ZAYNE
“Why can’t me, you and Keira go out?”
“Because your mom wants to spend time with you.”
“Well, why isn’t Keira with us? She can come too. She shouldn’t have a problem with Keira being with us.”
“You’re right about that. I’ll ask both of them if they're cool with that Naa.”
“What about how I feel?”
I glanced over at Naa who had her face in a pout. She was not bending when it came to the fact that Qwinae wanted to be in her life. It didn’t make sense at all to me, but it was corny as shit to keep her from her child when she wanted to play her part. That was some bitch shit.
“How you feel?”
“I feel like she should’ve just stayed where she was at because I have Keira now. Keira does more for me than she ever did.”
“How you figure that?”
Za’naa fell silent and then slowly lifted her shoulders. “I don’t remember her at all, but I can tell you everything Keira does for me.”
I nodded my head. “I can understand that. Just give her a chance. Her being in your life doesn’t change a thing.”
“I hope not,” she mumbled crossing her arms over her chest.
When I got to the red light, I leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “I promise, Naa.”
Once we got to the family fun center we agreed to meet up at, I parked my car and got out opening the door for Za’naa.
Her hand automatically went to mine, and we walked together to the center that had kids running all around. I paid for our admission and went to go find a table once I noticed Qwinae didn’t arrive.
“Dad, my ponytail got messed up.”
I laughed when I saw Za’naa struggling to fix the slapback I put in her hair. Today she just so happened to want that hairstyle, and I gladly hooked her up with our now throwback hairstyle because she now had Keira slaying her hair, as she would say.
To my surprise, Za’naa had a little brush in her JoJo Siwa bag. After handing it to me, I got up, and she sat down so I could fix her ponytail.
Moments like this always made me feel like a great father. Za’naa traded on me a little with Keira, but she always made up for it when she asks me to do some little shit like fixing her hair or watching one of them little shows on TV with her. Sometimes she didn’t even ask. I can be chilling watching TV, and she will come change the channel and curl up next to me. I couldn’t even be mad at her because times like that had a man soft like putty.
“Who taught you how to do that?”
We both glanced at Qwinae who was walking up with her other children.
“No one did.”
“I thought you would get your aunt or somebody to do her hair. That looks so gay.”
“Gay?” Za’naa repeated with a questioning expression.
I sighed heavily and shook my head. I finished up her hair and told her to go play with her siblings. She left right away with the other children and didn’t bother speaking to her mother. I made a mental note to make sure she always acknowledged her. As fucked up as she was, Za’naa had to still respect her. If I can do it, I know she could as well.
“Listen, we gonna set some things straight,” I told her once I made sure Za’naa was cool. “Shit like that won’t go down in front of my daughter. As you should know I’m far from gay and won’t let no one question my sexuality when it comes to my daughter’s well being affect me as a father. For years it’s only been Za’naa and me. I wasn’t
going to lean on no one to do anything for her. I had to learn how to do her hair, so I did.”
“It was a joke. Damn.”
“Me being a father isn’t a joke. Unlike you, I take being a parent serious.”
“I do too! Them three kids I take care of on my own.”
I chortled because she couldn’t even include her firstborn which was fine with me. Like I told her if no one had Za’naa, I held her down with no questions asked.
“Whatever. Watch what you say around Za’naa.”
“She’s my child too.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?” I asked back, and she rolled her eyes. Qwinae sat down at the table I was seated and went through her purse and pulled out a thick envelope.
“Explain this shit to me,” she huffed taking out the paperwork and sliding it to me. I slid it right back because I knew exactly what it was and everything was self-explanatory. I was fighting fire with fire.
She wanted to throw around paperwork and threats I was making sure my rights as a father were protected as well. I could’ve easily made sure she was buried six feet under ground and sleep peacefully at night with my daughter in her bedroom right down the hall, but she had her other children to take care of. I wasn’t that callous to make them suffer because they had an incompetent mother.
“You know what that is. We’re going to go to a mediator. If we can’t agree to the same terms, we can go before a judge. At this point, I don’t give a fuck. This is just me being nice to you.”
“How can you take me to court?!”
“Easy. The same way your ass went and filed for custody and got my daughter from school. Regardless if you want split custody or full. I’m getting my name on that paperwork, and I will do things the way I want to handle it. You can either agree and be in your daughter's life or not agree and not be in her life. The choice is yours.
“You know that’s not fair at all. They will give you full custody automatically.”