Disconnected
Page 30
"I really am sorry, Rachel." Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. "I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I really thought I could be. I'm sorry."
He'd broken my heart tonight, and shattered my last remaining delusions of a future together, but it was clear I'd hurt him as well. I suddenly felt bad for being a bitch. He'd acknowledged screwing up, regardless that he wasn't taking responsibility for his inability to reign his behavior. There was no point in continuing to harp on him. Lee was still a boy, masquerading as a man. And I knew this about him from the beginning. I just didn't bother listening to my intuition.
I wanted to get out of there, and away from the twisted characters inhabiting the place. I could feel them through the wall of our room. "Let's get out of here. Go take a drive, look at the night sky." The only good thing about any desert is their endless sky.
We drove north on a small highway for several miles until we were clear of city lights. He lit a joint and offered it to me but I declined. No point. I'd be partaking out of pure habit. Reality grounded me now, and I knew I wouldn't cop a buzz. He parked on the side of the road and we got out and sat next to each other on the warm hood, leaned back against the windshield and stared up at the black velvet dome twinkling with a million tiny diamonds. The Milky Way glowed soft white and arched across the heavens above us. The air was still, cool and dry. We didn't say much, except to point out constellations, and exchange Wows and Look! at the flash of a falling star. We marveled at the vastness of it all, and though I felt his affection, the electric connection between us was gone.
"Is it over? Are we done, Ray?" He'd read my mind again, or maybe just a good guess with my silence.
"Truth is, we were over before we started, Lee," I said grimly.
"We were just having too much fun to care." His delivery was lilted with humor. "So, you're not still mad at me?"
"No. I'm sad we can't make it together, but I'm not mad." I had no energy left to be mad at him anymore.
"Makes me sad too, breaks my heart, actually. I know you hated me when I was playing poker tonight. I hated myself for disappointing you. The truth is, I will again and again. I'll never live up to the potential you see in me."
“I know,” I whispered. And it stung I'd set him up to fail, knowing who he was from day one, whether he did or not. "I'm sorry, Lee. We should never have gone beyond friendship."
A brilliant light streaked across the sky from east to west, leaving behind a blazing white tail for a blink of an eye.
"Look!" Lee shouted, pointing at the light as it disappeared beyond the hills. "Did ya see it?" He was exuberant, his sense of wonder one of the many things I adored about him.
"Yeah. It was beautiful." I stared at the sky in awe hoping for another falling star.
"I really do love you, Ray. And I don't want to lose you. Can we still be friends? At least play racquetball, since you're the best partner I've ever had?" He looked at me but it was too dark to see his expression clearly.
"Right back at ya.” I paused, listening inside for guidance. “But I do believe we're gonna have to cut the cord completely to quit each other, Lee.”
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Chapter 32
Face was ecstatic to see me when I came in the back door late Sunday afternoon. She had food and water as always, and access to the yard through the doggy door, but it was rare I left her alone overnight. She jumped all over me wagging her tail wildly, whining in greeting. I sat on the kitchen floor welcoming her wet licks of affection. I stroked my dog and we revealed in each other's company a moment. All affection should be this easily exchanged. Ah, to be a dog...
"We're on our own again, baby. No more Lee." I bit my lip to keep from crumbling. “We're done this time. Fait accompli,” I said to Face, who rolled onto her back for a tummy rub.
Pathetic spinster, ugly old maid echoed in my head, as the words always did when I was back to alone. It was time to resume my search for a partner, though the notion of putting on a face for the next 20 dates from ads and fix-ups gave me an instant headache, especially after not wearing one so much of my time with Lee. I was 34 years old, and felt so done competing with all the young cover-girls here. I really had to get out of L.A., away from the menagerie my siesta town had become. I had to ignored my family's continual barrage of devaluing messages that a woman's worth was giving birth. I wanted more— to be more than a sparkly but not too bright wifey. It was time to cut the cord with my parents, from the perceived security they offered and stop allowing them to undermine me. And it was suddenly obvious how to close the chasm between awareness and action.
I got my duffel bag from the closet, packed it with the clothes I'd need. I'd wasted far too much time searching for a man to validate me. The truth was, and had always been, I was going to have to do that for myself. It was time to change the trajectory of my life, to live where I wanted, and become who I wanted to be instead of what I was told by everyone from my mother to the media women should be. With or without a man, kids were doable with the right income, and I'd find a way to make the money to raise a family of my own if need be. My longing for a partner to share life's journey would likely never leave me, but I didn't need a man to save me from Lonely. My imagination did that quite effectively, and it was time to celebrate it. I'd start with writing a novel on this last year with Lee, perhaps be the voice of reason for other women who believe their value comes from fitting into antiquated roles constructed for us, roles we no longer need to remain in.
I called Frankie, told her I was coming up to San Francisco to find a work and a place to live, then asked to crash in her guestroom for a couple of days. She graciously invited me to stay as long as I needed, then asked why I finally decided to make the move up to the Bay. I repeated her words to me a month earlier, “It's about time I stand on my own, create the life I want, right?” I grabbed my portfolio, called Face to come, and we headed out the back door.
I rolled down the window half way as I accelerated onto the 101. The dog stuck her nose out and her jowls flared with the wind. The setting sun reflected the black cover of the notebook I'd left on the dashboard and obscured my view out the windshield, so I moved it to the passenger seat. I noticed writing scrawled across the cardboard back cover from almost a year ago, and laughed at myself for the wisdom I chose to ignore, and swore right then— never again. From here forward, I'd trust my intuition to guide me.
10/26/91
Intuition is a flash of insight. Neither telepathy, nor stroke of divinity, its enlightenment comes from empirical evidence, consciously or unconsciously attained. Intuition may not tell you what you want to hear, but if ignored, you're basically fucking yourself.
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Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as clinical depression, unipolar depression, or as recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by pervasive dark or negative thoughts and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. MDD is a leading cause of suicide.
Studies have shown major depression to be about twice as common in women as in men.
For information, as well as resources for treatment and support for those suffering from depression, please contact The National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
or the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mental_health/management/depression/en/
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About the Author
J. Cafesin is a novelist of taut, edgy, modern fiction, filled with complex, compelling characters so real they’ll linger long after the read. Her debut novel, Reverb, hit #1 in Kindle Store Contemporary Romance, and #4 overall in Amazon’s Best Sellers Rank during a recent promotion. Recent reviews: “Riveting; Compelling; An original and unique read.” Reverb was also #1 in Read Our Lips Book Reviews 2013 Yea
r In Review.
Other works include her fantasy YA/NA/A crossover series, Fractured Fairy Tales of the Twilight Zone. In Volume #1, Fractured Fairy Tales Meets The Twilight Zone in this collection of four “uniquely captivating,” edgy, fantastical character-driven tales, each sprinkled with a touch of magic, and a powerful message that lingers long after the reads... “5 Stars. Great read for young adults, and even some not-so-young adults!”
The Power Trip (the first in the upcoming techno-thriller series) follows the misanthropic adventures of four Stanford students, who implement an online game in which players manipulate each other using predictive modeling. Due to release summer 2017.
Her essays and articles are featured regularly in national publications. Many of the essays from her ongoing blog have been translated into multiple languages and distributed globally: http://jcafesin.blogspot.com
She resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband/best friend, two gorgeous, talented, spectacular kids, and a bratty, but cute Shepherd pound hound. Find her on her author site: http://jcafesin.com, or on Facebook and Twitter.