Summer of Seventeen

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “We are sorry for your loss,” he said.

  Then he wrapped his arm around Yansi, nodded at Julia, and turned to leave.

  Yansi paused just before she reached the door, and she smiled. Her lips moved, sending me a silent message.

  I love you.

  And that made it a little bit okay.

  “You know what? Sean would have hated that fucking funeral!”

  It was four days before school started and I was still ranting. Yansi was watching me patiently, as she’d done for the last two weeks. Well, almost patiently. She’d heard the same thing several times now, but it was an itch I couldn’t scratch and it got to me.

  I knew he’d have really hated the pretentious crap at the gathering afterwards. Suit jackets and fucking ties—he hated all of that. That was what his mom and dad wanted; it wasn’t what he would have wanted. And that’s what bugged me—even now, Sean didn’t get to have it done his way.

  Yansi smothered her yawn. I guess being the supportive girlfriend came with an expiration date. I could tell I was nearing it. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, but I kept on going over the same old ground, never making any progress.

  “So what would he have liked?” she challenged me. “You said the only things he ever really enjoyed were surfing and screwing. Maybe you should plan a mass orgy on the beach—check two boxes off at once.”

  “Yeah,” I grinned at her. “That sounds like a plan. I’m up for it.”

  “You’re always up for it,” she whispered, a warm breath across my cheek that made me shiver.

  It was true. We hadn’t had a chance to have sex again. I was allowed to see Yansi, but she was still banned from being at my house alone with me; at her house, we never got any private time at all. We were working on it. But damn, it left me feeling horny as hell.

  But it made me feel ashamed, too. Not because of the sex, but because I was ashamed of being happy; ashamed for feeling anything positive now that Sean was gone. Well, flashes of feeling good, but at other times, all I wanted was to be alone—foul tempered, exploding without warning.

  I knew it made no sense, and I knew that Sean would call me on it and say I was being a whiny pussy. And Mom … she would have just wanted me to be happy. But how could I be happy when I’d lost both of them? Sometimes I forgot, and then I could allow myself to feel the good stuff. It was confusing.

  Yansi’s question made me think: what would Sean have liked? And then the answer came to me.

  “We could have a paddle-out,” I said, although it sounded more like a question, with my voice curving up at the end.

  It was a surfers’ tradition, I guess you could say, to honor a fallen comrade. Everyone took a board and paddled out on a calm day, forming a circle on the ocean—maybe bring flowers or say a few words. I hadn’t figured that part out yet, but I thought it was something Sean would have liked. Guy always did enjoy being the center of attention.

  “Oh! That’s a great idea!” agreed Yansi, a huge grin lighting her face. “He’d really like that.” Then she kissed me quickly, because we were at her house again, and Beatriz and Pilau were sitting on the floor in front of us watching TV. “See! I knew you were more than just a pretty face—that’s brilliant!”

  I relaxed into a smile, and it was okay—it felt like it was allowed.

  With school starting in four days, I didn’t have much time to pull things together. The first thing I had to do was speak to his parents. I wasn’t looking forward to that.

  I’d finished working for Mr. Alfaro, although he asked me if I’d be interested in working Saturdays when school started. The Sandbar were cutting my hours now it was the end of the season, so I’d need the money. I said yes.

  We’d come to an agreement, I guess. He still didn’t talk much, but he trusted me to get on with the work, and the slow, easy rhythm of the day suited me. And Yansi liked the way it hardened and sculpted my body, and as she was running her hands across my chest at the time, I wasn’t dumb enough to pass up the opportunity to keep her interested.

  I told Julia about the paddle-out first.

  Her eyes got glassy and she hugged me hard enough to break a rib.

  “I’ll come, too,” she said.

  I was stunned. Julia hated going in the water because she said it made her hair frizz out or some shit.

  “But you’ll have to lend me one of your biggest surfboards—one that’s got really good buoyancy, please.”

  “Sure thing, sis,” I grinned at her.

  She smiled back, but her lips turned down again. “We could take some flowers for Mom, too,” she said quietly.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “And she kinda loved Sean.”

  Julia laughed sadly. “Yes, she did. Although she said once that if she’d been his mom, she’d have tanned his hide for some of the stunts you two pulled together.”

  “You’re talking about the saran wrap in the staff restrooms stunt, aren’t you—back in ninth grade? We’d planned to do the whole school, but we got caught before we’d finished.”

  Julia raised her eyebrows and shook her head, but she was smiling again.“That was one of the times, yeah.”

  Sean’s parents were surprised to see me, and even more surprised when I put my suggestion or request or whatever the fuck it was to them.

  I was just glad that they weren’t yelling at me. I thought they might have.

  “Will anyone come?” asked Mr. Wallis.

  I blinked, not having expected that question.

  “Well, yeah,” I said, kind of stunned that he’d asked that. “Sean was real popular.”

  Mrs. Wallis gasped, and put her hand to her chest. “He was? Sean was popular?”

  “Yeah,” I said quietly. “He was always laughing—always joking around, you know? He was kind of a goofball, but he made people happy.”

  She swallowed several times, then looked at her husband with an odd expression halfway between smiling and tears.

  “Oh,” she said softly. “That’s good.”

  “Yeah, he was a good guy.” I took a deep breath. “He was my best friend.”

  Mr. Wallis clapped me on the shoulder. “Thank you for doing this. I think … I think Sean would have liked it.”

  On the way out of their house, I ran into Patrick. When I told him the plan, he immediately said he’d tell his brothers and see if they could fly back for it. Then he looked at me and frowned.

  “The house is so quiet without that little prick. Who knew I’d miss him so much?” He shook his head. “And I’m so fucking mad at him for drowning in three foot waves. It really sucks.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “I know.”

  Paddle-out day was set for Sunday at sunset.

  Word had spread quickly and it looked like most of the high school was going to be there, along with some of the teachers, all the guys who surfed, plus friends of Sean’s brothers and his family, and, well, just about everyone we knew.

  We were doing it Hawaiian style because Sean would have thought that was cool. Julia asked the local florist if they could make some leis for any of our friends who might want them, and then started crying again because the lady said she’d make them at cost. I guess death brings out the best in some people. That’s a joke. Well, it would have made Sean laugh.

  Yansi said she’d taken care of getting some leis for us.

  Then she scared the fuck out of me because she said, “Have you decided what you’re going to say?”

  “Huh?”

  “Nick, you’re organizing this—people will expect you to say a few words.”

  “You’re shitting me!”

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in for a hug, ignoring her brother’s disapproving glare.

  “You were his best friend,” she said, trying to calm me down. “Just say whatever you think he’d like.”

  “Such as? I don’t know what you’re supposed to say at these kind of things.”

  “Just say something about him. You know, his good points
. Some funny stuff. Anything that comes to mind.”

  “He’d laugh his fuckin’ ass off,” I muttered.

  “You’ll think of something,” she said soothingly.

  If that was supposed to be comforting, it wasn’t. I’d just sort of figured that we’d paddle out, form a circle, someone would say a few words, and we’d throw the flowers into the water. It never occurred to me that I’d be expected to say anything.

  I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay in bed listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the beach, quiet, peaceful. When it was like this, it was hard to believe that the surf could rise into monsters higher than a two-story house and come breathing salty smoke, thundering onto the sand.

  It was even harder to believe that the beach where I’d grown up and lived and fallen in love, that it was the same place Sean had died. I didn’t know how to feel about that.

  I thought again about the two things that he’d really enjoyed in life. I couldn’t say anything about fucking, even though Sean would have gotten a laugh out of that, so I’d have to speak about surfing.

  And then I remembered something we’d read in English class once. I think it was the only time I saw Sean pay attention.

  I got up and padded down to the kitchen, then fired up our cranky laptop. I surfed a few sites before I found what I wanted. Then I printed it out and took it upstairs with me.

  I must have slept after that, because when I woke up the sun was bright and the air was sticky and humid, and even though school was starting back the next day, it was hotter than fuck and nothing like Fall—it felt like everything was ending, because summer break was over, but maybe it was just a beginning. I knew I was a different person now, for lots of reasons: Mom, Sean, Yansi, and maybe just being older, and my eyes wide open. I had now and I had tomorrow and I had a future—whatever that was going to be—and I was okay with that.

  Julia spent the day doing school work and filling out forms and all the shit that went with her job as a teacher assistant. I did a couple of loads of laundry, and then Julia shoved some money in my hand and told me to do the grocery shopping. Plus she gave me an extra $10 to go crazy, providing I got everything on the list first.

  Yansi came over after an early supper, carrying two beautiful garlands. One was made up of purple and white flowers, the other red and yellow.

  “Papi made these leis for you,” she said quietly.

  “Wow, that’s … that’s great. Thank him for me?”

  She smiled and brushed a soft kiss over my lips.

  “I think he’d like it if you thanked him yourself.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  By 7 o’clock, my stomach was tied in knots, and I was almost shaking with nerves at the thought of speaking in front of a bunch of people.

  Yansi kept rubbing circles on my back, soothing me as I was a wild animal about to bolt.

  And I really wanted to.

  Instead, I passed her my smallest shortboard, and pulled out a longboard for Julia and another for myself. Ben had resurrected a surfboard he’d used when he was still in high school, and Julia frowned at him when he started brushing cobwebs off it in the middle of the kitchen.

  We secured all the boards to the roof rack of Ben’s car and headed down to the pier.

  Yansi looped the lei around her neck and Julia carried the other one; the scent of the flowers filled the car.

  As we got closer to the pier, the crowds were thicker and I nearly puked my guts out when I saw the number of people who were gathered underneath the pier, as well as the small knot standing at the end by the fisherman’s hut.

  “Jeez,” Ben breathed, “there must be 500 or 600 people here.”

  “More than that,” Julia stated.

  Yansi grabbed my hand. “You’ll be fine,” she whispered.

  I nodded automatically, even though I felt anything but fine. I checked again that I’d got my ziplock bag around my waist with the paper that I’d printed out last night folded inside.

  “I think we’d better park here,” Ben said. “We’ll never get any closer by car. Looks like we’re walking the rest of the way.”

  We unloaded the boards and dumped our clothes in the car. Seeing Yansi’s body in her cute yellow bikini was a welcome distraction. Even so, my mouth was like a freakin’ desert, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get any words out at all.

  We started walking down to where everyone was waiting. It was the weirdest feeling as the crowds parted to let us through. I saw Sean’s brothers right away, and Aidan came across, pulling me into a tight hug.

  “Thanks for organizing this, man,” he said. “It means a lot to Mom and Dad.” He pointed to the end of the pier. “They’re waiting up there. They were stunned when they saw the number of people who turned out.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I croaked. “Sean would have been stoked.”

  He smiled sadly. “Yeah. I can’t believe he fucking drowned in three feet waves. I taught him better than that. I thought I did…”

  I looked away, but Aidan didn’t seem to notice.

  “I guess we’d better get going,” he said.

  Yansi came up and took my hand.

  “You can do it,” she whispered.

  I took a deep breath and walked down to the water’s edge, feeling the cooler sand beneath my feet. When the water was at waist height, I slid onto my board and started paddling. Yansi, Julia and Ben were on one side of me, with Aidan, Patrick and Dylan on the other.

  When we reached near the end of the pier, we started to form a loose circle. It took over 10 minutes for everyone to paddle out. We sat there, a quiet murmur wrapping around the splashes as the last few found their places. There were so many people, we had to form two circles rather than just one.

  Finally, when everyone was situated, we all joined hands. The murmuring fell away and Yansi looked at me and smiled.

  “You’re on,” she whispered.

  I had to let go of her hand to pull the piece of paper out of my ziplock, nearly dropping the darn thing into the sea. There was a ripple of laughter as I almost overbalanced.

  I cleared my throat several times, and then spoke.

  “Sean was a giant pain in the ass.”

  Everyone laughed, and it made me even more nervous. I looked across to Yansi and she smiled at me encouragingly.

  “I’m not sure Sean ever read a book, a whole book all the way through,” I stated, as more laughter rippled out, “but I think he’d have liked these words by Jack London. He wrote them back in 1911.

  “ ‘The whole method of surf-riding and surf-fighting, I learned, is one of non-resistance. Dodge the blow that is struck at you. Dive through the wave that is trying to slap you in the face. Sink down, feet first, deep under the surface, and let the big smoker that is trying to smash you go by far overhead. Never be rigid. Relax. Yield yourself to the waters that are ripping and tearing at you. When the undertow catches you and drags you seaward along the bottom, don’t struggle against it. If you do, you are liable to be drowned, for it is stronger than you. Yield yourself to that undertow. Swim with it, not against it, and you will find the pressure removed. And, swimming with it, fooling it so that it does not hold you, swim upward at the same time’.” My voice faltered and I had to take a deep breath before I could continue. “ ‘It will be no trouble at all to reach the surface’.”

  There was silence among the crowd of people, just the soft slap of water against our boards. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I folded the piece of paper.

  “I never thought I’d be doing this,” I said, my cracked voice carrying across the water as the sun dipped toward the river in the west, and the sky darkened around us. “I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to Sean. I thought he’d always be there. And I didn’t get to say goodbye, so I’m going to say it now. Sean, buddy, thank you for everything you have ever done for me. For being there for me, for listening to what I say, for making sure I’m okay. I’ll never forget you till my last breath. I love
you, man.”

  Yansi gripped my hand, tears trickling down her cheeks.

  She passed me the lei that she’d worn, and I threw it into the center of the circle. Julia did the same, and I knew that was for Mom. Everyone tossed in leis or small bouquets, and from the pier, flowers rained down from all the people who hadn’t been able to paddle out with us.

  In our own way we each said goodbye.

  Yansi squeezed my hand.

  “You did great, baby. I love you.”

  I nodded, but I couldn’t speak. I’d said enough words today.

  I didn’t get much choice though, because dozens of people stopped to talk to me as I walked back up the beach. Each one had a story they wanted to share about Sean. Some were laughing quietly, several of the girls were crying (which I couldn’t help thinking Sean would have liked a lot), and most of the adults said something, like it was a darn shame and such a waste. I had to agree with that.

  Sean’s mom and dad came down onto the sand from where they’d been watching on the pier, and I saw them wiping their eyes several times. I was glad they’d come; I was glad they’d finally learned that Sean was a good guy who was liked, loved, by a lot of people—even if it was too late.

  His dad shook my hand. “Thank you,” he said.

  It looked like he was trying to say more, but in the end he put his arm around Sean’s mom and they walked away, their heads bowed.

  It took me an hour to get back to the car, but Julia and Ben were waiting for me.

  Julia pulled me into a tight hug.

  “Mom would have been so proud of you,” she said. “I am, too.”

  It was dark by the time we drove home and unloaded the boards. The sky had turned purple, and stars were filling the night with diamond points of light.

  A small piece of the weight that I’d be carrying fell away. You should have been here, Sean. You shouldn’t have given in.

  I guess I’d never really understand the decision he made; I hoped I never felt that desperate, that level of despair. Then Yansi’s hand curled around mine, and the world was a little bit right again.